Why do you want a boy or a girl?

[atomic sagebrush]

I have a different take on this because I was happy with my two boys for quite a while and they were adults by the time my daughter came to me so I have really had the experience of raising a boy from start to finish, whereas many of you ladies I know are still "in it" with small boys (who can def. be rambunctious at times) I personally have TONS in common with my sons and we get along great. We like the same books, movies, music, tv, and so on and I really do not imagine how I could possibly BE closer with a daughter than I am to my adult sons.

Re, sons growing up and moving away - first of all, in my family, my husband's family, and our extended family this has NEVER been true. 9 times out of 10 it is the daughters that move away for their or their husband's careers. My dad, my uncle, my husbands dad and uncle, and my stepmother's brother, were all the caretakers for elderly parents while the daughters lived thousands of miles away. And in most Asian countries it is the case that the son is the one who cares for the parents anyway. This is in no way set in stone and does not reflect reality.

Beyond that, as you get older you may find that you are really ok with that anyway. When your kids are small they are your whole world but you may find, as you get older, that you may want more space from your kids anyway. You may not even WANT them to be super close to you. I know my MIL loves us to come visit but she's glad to see us go, too LOL. IT is hard to envision when you're younger, but as you get older it's actually nice to have time to follow your own dreams and pursuits - it is fun to fantasize about shopping trips and going out to lunch and babysitting every day but you may not even want to do those things.

And just like you say, it may very well be that your daughter doesn't get along with you, etc and as we all know that happens in many families. WE hope it won't be ours, but it happens. It would be too bad to get so focused on an imaginary relationship with an imaginary daughter that you could end up missing out on what could be an amazing and close relationship with sons (not saying you are doing that, but I do see so many women think "oh my son only likes Thomas and I hate Thomas so I have to have a daughter". Well, he's 4. When he's 14 or 24 you may find you have much more in common with him!!!)

OK so all that having been said, I did indeed want a daughter. I felt that even though my sons are great and I really enjoy them, there was like 10% of my life experiences that I wanted to share/pass down to a female that they really couldn't relate to. Interestingly, I found that I was actually able to do that through friendships and through my "atomic" moniker. But, I was still lucky enough to get a daughter and maybe someday she might listen to about .0001% of that LOL.

[jmomof3girls]

I very much long for a mother-son relationship

[maidentomother]

It's great to hear your perspective atomic! My closest friend here in Germany had one boy then 3 girls, they are now 24, 22, 20 and 17. When my brother was 12 their family fostered him since as with me, once my brother started to become an adult my mother couldn't handle him and sent him away. They are a lower middle class family and live from month to month, and my mother never sent enough money to cover the costs of caring for him. He was 2 years older than their eldest, the boy. Despite their finances they are an extremely close-knit family and all the children, including my brother, absolutely dote on their mother. My brother runs errands for her all the time and talks to her on the phone daily, and her own son moved next door just a year ago, but still spends a great deal of time at home. They are JUST as close to her as their sisters. Oh, and my brother does still talk to my mother; their relationship, while never good, was never as bad as mine with her.

I think my friend actually spoiled and still spoils my brother, and her children, including my brother, can do no wrong in her eyes, which is a bit biased IMO but definitely better than being so critical and judgemental that you drive your children away like my own mother! So I really think it comes down to personality and maybe mothering technique, but not gender. Of course how we feel is usually not rational so I also understand fearing something even if it isn't based on logic.

[hanseer]

Really enjoy all the replies!

Adding on to my story at bit - before I had my DS, I REALLY wanted a son. It was my sister and I growing up and I wanted to experience raising a boy. I also adore my dad and DH (both of whom are the "responsible" ones taking care of their parents). I also wanted a mamma's boy.

This whole fear of being abandoned by my son comes from other's actually. It started when I was 5 mos prego at a party and a random lady asked me what gender I was having. I happily answered "boy!" and she gave me a look of pity. And then went out to tell me how her sons were just awful. I remember being completely freaked out and even going into a bit of depression (combined with prego hormones!) afterwards. But my son is totally awesome.

Whatever God grants me as our 2nd LO, I will welcome with open arms. It would be wonderful to experience one of each though.

[Midwest_Complex]

I grew up with 3 brothers & ironically, 2 out 3 are closer to my mother than I am. They are like BFFs. So don't base it only on that!

I have 2 girls & I am so thankful i do. I love having daughters. Like someone mentioned above, my daughters too are very much so "daddy's girls". I want a son because i do think biologically we are drawn more to the opposite gendered parent. Even growing up, getting praised from my mom was NOTHING like getting praised from my dad to me.

I also am just sick of buying dresses & ruffles. Lol the boy clothes, little monster outfits & vests & knitted striped sweaters...I want that now! Lol

[1+2+3boys]

I always wanted a mixed gender family but on the more boy heavy side. If I could only have one gender then I would have chosen boys but I just want one girl so badly. It is hard for me to understand my painful desire because I was a tomboy growing up and got along better with boys and beat them all at tag and hide and go seek like games and never wore pink or dresses.
I know there have to be some all boys Mums and I feel selfish sometimes that I should accept myself as one of the chosen ones because I am a really good candadite and have a blast with my boys and DPs boys too when they stay over. I wish I could just own it. I could if I really tried but everytime life gets hard I start feeling sad over my not having a daughter and I don't want that feeling for the rest of my life.
I can't let go of the dream of a daughter. It hurts so much knowing I may never have one. I made a big list of why I thought I wanted one and I managed to tick alot of the things off already as being fulfilled by my sons and many more I know I can fulfil in other ways. But I just want a child who is female too to feel like I have passed on a part of myself I suppose. I realise in hindsight that I never was truely one of the boys as much as I thought I was. From teen years on they did treat me differently and I get along better with Women now. I don't believe in gender stereotypes ( I love frilly things now though and poo poo that I can't use them in my sewing) but believe that gender is still a huge part of who you are and effects the relationships you have in life. I want the chance to raise a strong girl to Woman and have what I don't with my Mums. I am not close to my Mum and neither is my Sister, her biological child. She just aint that maternal. And my birth Mum is so lovely and we are super close but she didn't raise me and can not support me now as she lives far away and has three boys like me too so I feel like I have two half Mother Daughter relationships and I'd love the chance to just have my own one with my daughter. Not to set things right but to get rid of the wondering and sadness I feel over not having a person in my life that I always assumed I would. I'll take her in any shape or form, as long as she is a girl and she is mine and my partners.

[1+2+3boys]

In short, I thought for a long time that I had to justify my reasons for wanting a girl but really it is something I can not fully understand and just a deep desire within my heart and it is hard to fight the heart

[maidentomother]

1+2+3 I know how you feel. It is strange desire to put into words. Like you I'm not a girly girl and my personality and many of my interests are 'masculine'. I think there is a biological component that drives at least some of us. I also value strength in females and emvision that for any daughters I have, though I know strength takes many forms.

hanseer, I am so sorry that others have disturbed you so with their own unfortunate misery. Do you think you would never have suffered GD otherwise?

[Kittybear]

I have spent a long time thinking about this, and as pp said, it is hard to put into words and justify my desire, but my heart yearns so badly for a daughter.

I am an only child. I have had, at times, a very tempestuous relationship with my mum, but for the most part now it is good. I had only female friends growing up, who only had sisters (I only met my first friend who had a brother when I was 11) and I went to an all girls secondary school.

The picture in my head growing up was very similar to my own experience; one little girl. I never really considered having a son, let alone 2... I didn't not want a boy, I just didn't think it would happen (twice)

I have a very small family (no siblings, no cousins) so I now acutely feel that my only close female relative is my mum... After her there is no one else I miss those other blood related female relations (and I wonder if I had a niece or sister if I would feel so strongly). Also my mum only has the grand kids I produce and I know she would adore a granddaughter as well as her grandsons. I also want to look into the eyes of my husband's daughter

I worry I will not be able to contribute my life experiences with my sons when they are older and they will (justifiably) seek their dad's opinion and guidance rather than mine.

There is that part of me that wants to buy pretty pink, frilly, kitty covered clothes, but it is more intrinsic than that. As well as what I previously wrote, Mostly I don't want to live in the shadow of GD for the rest of my life; the jealousy of finding out people have their pp, looking in prams to see if there is a pink blanket, seeing other mixed gender families and wondering how they did it. I've carried this damn b*tch with me for 3 years and it has robbed me of enjoying 2 pregnancies and the early bonding with my beautiful boys. I'm done with it and just want it gone. I think/hope that if I do have a daughter 1 day I will appreciate my boys more.

Good luck with your sway Hun xx

[atomic sagebrush]

In short, I thought for a long time that I had to justify my reasons for wanting a girl but really it is something I can not fully understand and just a deep desire within my heart and it is hard to fight the heart

THIS. I really think that quite a lot of this is innate and while we look hard for some deep-seated psychological reason why we feel the way we do, a lot of the times it's the desire that comes first and then all the justification is only jsut because we are taught we have to have something "wrong" with us if we have any gender desire. There is no pattern to it - I have talked to thousands of women over the years now and there is no pattern to it - some want daughters because they were close to their moms, others because they weren't close to their moms, some of us are girly girls, some are tomboys, some want a daughter from the very beginning and others it starts slowly and builds over time.

In short - sometimes the heart wants what it wants and all the analyzing in the world doesn't shed any more light on it than that.