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  1. #1
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    LacePrincess's Avatar
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    Unwelcome FB Xmas surprise

    I hate cutesy FB announcements. Especially ones that come out of the complete blue.

    So I was already having a pretty miserable Christmas. I caught some awful tummy bug that hit me RIGHT on Christmas Eve, so I was alone by myself with soup on Christmas day as all the kids and DH went to my inlaws for Xmas dinner. So it already SUCKED being alone and sick.

    Then, scrolling through FB, like a punch in the gut, I see our neighbour's cutesy FB preggo announcement. The neighbour that already has a perfect pigeon pair, and while she didn't announce gender I just bet it's another girl.

    Yeah, Merry Christmas to me, that evening ended in some bitterly jealous tears. Now I feel like it's a race for me to even get preggo before her new baby gets here so I won't feel even MORE bitterly jealous not to be preggo at all. I can't win with my GD envy anyways - if the baby is a girl, I'll be jealous that it's a girl. If the baby is a boy, I'll be jealous watching her daughter be a new big sister. UGH.

    I've been a LTTTC'er before (long term TTC) and the feelings of feeling infertile and the GD really are so similar. The two combined are just a double whammy of pain. And of course, then there's the guilt that I don't have the right to feel ANY of this when I truly am already blessed thrice over, but there it is. I really hate how bad it hurts when what happens to someone else (especially not even a relative) has nothing to do with my life at all, and yet I still feel like utter sh!t.
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  2. #2
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    nuthinbutpink's Avatar
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    Well, I was just on FB and read this from Joel Osteen-

    When you’re in tough times and it looks like you’re never going to break out, you’ve got to say, “I won’t be staying here long. This may be where I am but it is not who I am. I am blessed.”

    Say 10x. Hugs.
    Mom to

    and my IVF/PGD

    Become a Dream Member to access the private forums

  3. #3
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    LacePrincess's Avatar
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    Thanks NBP.

    I don't really resent my neighbour for her blessings, she's a wonderful mom and really nice woman. We're friends. It would be easier maybe if she was a bitch, then I could hate her freely, but she's not so that makes me feel worse.

    Not that I think my pain in any way compares to infertile ladies AT ALL, but in a way there's more guilt with GD. With GD, we get similar longing feelings but HUGE guilt too, at least I do. I *am* blessed and I wouldn't trade my boys for anything. The thought of another chubby baby boy makes me delighted at the thought! But it doesn't fill this gaping need I have either.

    I wonder if some of this ridiculously intense yearning comes from this need to have a mother/daughter relationship that I never had? I really do. I had an absolute crap relationship with my mom (to the point where we've cut off contact years ago) and I wonder if this intense yearning to have a girl is a way of filling that missed experience of having a nurturing, healthy and happy mother/daughter relationship.
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  4. #4
    Dream Vet
    1+2+3boys's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about your Crappy Christmas and I hope that you are feeling better now. I know how that feels re the FB announcement. It really does suck. Your bad relationship with your Mum could very possibly have a bit to do with it. I think it does with me too. But sometimes you can just not explain it. It is just there and it has nothing to do with how greatful we are for our boys or any more that would come.
    I heard a song today that said
    "A dream is a wish your heart makes,"
    I think it describes the longing for a daughter well
    DPs sons 21 +13 11 + our 6 4 year old identical twins!

    I might actually be over my deep yearning for a and it's an exciting feeling

  5. #5
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    LacePrincess's Avatar
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    I'm a Disney girl so yes, I know those lyrics well!
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  6. #6
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    atomic sagebrush's Avatar
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    i have no advice, just ((((Hugs))))!

    Something I find very interesting is that there seems a pretty even split between those who didn't have a great relationship with their moms and then those who had a wonderful relationship and want to recreate it. I really, truly believe that GD is innate and when we go looking for reasons, we always find them, but it's really just born into us and no amount of psychoanalysis can ever really explain it - the heart wants what it wants!
    !!! Questions?? Check out the NEW and improved Complete Index !!!

    If you appreciate my help with your sway plan, please consider a donation:

    https://www.paypal.com/donate?hosted_button_id=C92U9TVWTRTDQ

  7. #7
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    LacePrincess's Avatar
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    I totally agree, I can't explain it intellectually. Everytime I try I can 'devil's advocate' my way right out of any logical argument for wanting a girl. It doesn't make sense, it just is what it is.

    And of course I know that life isn't going to magically get perfect if I get a girl. It just feels like there's a piece of pie that's missing....that missing piece is probably not going to taste any better than any other piece, and in fact maybe the first piece even tastes better, but it's still missing. And, dangit, I'm a completionist (to use video game terminology) and OCD and it doesn't feel right when there's an empty space!
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  8. #8
    Dream Vet

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    New Zealand
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    I know exactly what you mean Lace. The other day when we were going out I counted the kids like I always do. They were all there but I was like one's missing. I went back inside to look for the missing one
    Very blessed with

    Due 24th March 2016

  9. #9
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    LacePrincess's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by covered in blue View Post
    I know exactly what you mean Lace. The other day when we were going out I counted the kids like I always do. They were all there but I was like one's missing. I went back inside to look for the missing one


    I haven't felt that quite so literally yet, but spiritually for sure.
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  10. #10
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    Adia's Avatar
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    Its so interesting the way GD hits all of us differently. I have a brother and SIL who are VERY religious. They have a few boys but really want a girl.
    It almost strikes me as 'unwarranted' GD because they are SO into religion which dictates - be grateful for what God gives you.....you have no right to ask God for more than what you already have, etc.

    But they REALLY want a girl. They are funny and I think they both really want both sides of the coin and want the experience of a girl. I think they would feel the same about a boy if they had all girls.

    My brother has a tough relationship with my mom and his relationships with me and our sisters is fine, but not close. SIL comes from a family with a lot of girls and one boy....so who knows! Like Atomic said, the heart wants what it wants!!!


    My Gender Dreaming

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