What I would do differently

[pink_bean]

Sorry if this is long. So, only have the two boys, I'm not pregnant and according to my husband we are done. But i still hold out hope that maybe in a few years we can have another and maybe this time do a proper sway with a personalized plan. But I know I can only have another child if I am 100% ok with another boy. So, I've been trying to sort out my feelings in the meantime.

It seems like I had (and oddly still have) the worst GD with my first son. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death and he is a beautiful and brilliant child. I'm lucky to have him and I know that but as you all know GD is a complicated issue. The issue that is all mine and has nothing to do with my son.
But since the 20 week mark of pregnancy with him I have just felt disappointment, dread and a whole host of other negative emotions about motherhood. I waited until I was older to have kids and by the time I got pregnant with him, I couldn't believe it was actually happening to me and I was so paranoid about something happening and it being taken away from me. When i was 16 I lost a baby at 12 weeks. Everyone around me was pressuring me to terminate and I feel like the stress caused the miscarriage. I know I was too young to handle a child at that time but I mourned the loss of that baby for a long, long time. In that pregnancy I felt immediate and all consuming love for the baby my gut told me was a girl. I never felt that way again with either of my children during pregnancy.

So, I guess I thats why I was overly cautious with my son. I was disappointed when I found out he was a boy. Even though I knew he was. And oddly I probably would have also been disappointed if they said girl because I thought boy for 5 months. But I started to get excited again when I imagined what he would be like, a mini version of my husband. Calm and sweet with dark features. I got so attached to this little boy in my head.
Well, after a horrible birth experience I felt extreme shock and disappointment after seeing my son who looked nothing like I imagined. But looking back a lot of that was from the drugs and pain. He was also an extremely unhappy baby but he also had had a traumatic birth experience. For the first year of his life, I felt this horrible GD which I now know was probably also PPD mixed with sleep deprivation and the reality of motherhood versus my idealized version. So, for the first year and a half of my sons life I obsessed over having another baby, a girl specifically. Because I guess I thought that would fix everything? And by the time I got pregnant again, i had a wonderful bond with my son (who was now also a great sleeper lol) so much so that I felt a lot of guilt about having another baby. Which my gut told me was another boy.
With my second I hoped and prayed it was a girl but wasn't surprised when I heard boy. I think this time the GD was because it was my last chance to have a girl and I felt like I blew it (not a good sway.) but i was determined to love him, have a good birth experience and NOT have any expectations of how he would look or act. And I was not disappointed when he looked much like my first son but was very calm and a happy little one. His birth was very healing for me.
Needless to say, I still feel an emptiness in my heart for the daughter I may never have and that's hard to live with sometimes. But if I ever have another pregnancy, I don't want to know the gender. I don't want to hope for a girl or even imagine what my baby might look or be like. I would just want to get attached to the tiny person growing inside my body. I even fantasize about not knowing the gender until after baby is placed on my chest and I can just hold them and love them for whoever they are without any expectations of who i want them to be. I would probably experience GD if it's another boy but maybe not. I may never know the answer to that.

[The Anchor]

GD is such a hairy beast isn't it? I'm so sorry you're feeling down.

I don't know how old you are, but I just want to say, if you want another baby, don't sit on the fence! JUMP! I having been TTC #3 since Oct 2012, and no luck. Your fertility drops off the chart at 40.

Huge hugs to you

[Mrs_Incredible]

When we had our 3rd son we (my husband!) was done. Even when i was convincing him that i wanted another, i has some reservations too but didn't voice them. I knew not having a fourth child would cause me more heartache, regret and upset than GD could. My last pg for our 4th i dealt with gd from the start, and just wanted to know [it was a boy] so i could deal with it as the hope was the worst part, i felt ready to grieve my dream and move on. I'm glad my husband got onboard. We would have loved our baby just as much had she been our 4th son (sure, i would have struggled with saying goodbye to my dream for the last time) but feel very blessed with our only daughter. GD is a very personal journey and we need to remember we are only human, we have a strong desire for our dg but that doesn't make us bad. You sound as if you've worked through your feelings and are in a good place for either outcome. Good luck, xx ps most dh's can be talked round xx

[atomic sagebrush]

Huge (((hugs))), I remember when my first was born and he came out and I was like omg IT'S A BABY!! It was really a shock in a way, even though I knew I was having him and he was my DG at the time (I had a boy preference when he was born) it was still a huge mega adjustment. It is for everyone!!!

Thinking of you and let me know if I can help in any way.

[pink_bean]

GD is such a hairy beast isn't it? I'm so sorry you're feeling down.

I don't know how old you are, but I just want to say, if you want another baby, don't sit on the fence! JUMP! I having been TTC #3 since Oct 2012, and no luck. Your fertility drops off the chart at 40.

Huge hugs to you

Thank you! I'm sorry you are having such a hard time ttc. I sincerely hope it happens for you soon! I'm 39 so I know it's highly likely I won't conceive easily or at all or if I do my age poses a risk for chromosomal abnormalities, etc. I just can not see myself having another one for at least another 2 years. Also, I really can't see hubby coming around before then. But who knows?

I thought it would take much longer to conceive both my boys because of my age but I was under 40 (35 & 37)I actually wanted to be done before 40 so maybe I should just count my blessings and let it go.

[pink_bean]

When we had our 3rd son we (my husband!) was done. Even when i was convincing him that i wanted another, i has some reservations too but didn't voice them. I knew not having a fourth child would cause me more heartache, regret and upset than GD could. My last pg for our 4th i dealt with gd from the start, and just wanted to know [it was a boy] so i could deal with it as the hope was the worst part, i felt ready to grieve my dream and move on. I'm glad my husband got onboard. We would have loved our baby just as much had she been our 4th son (sure, i would have struggled with saying goodbye to my dream for the last time) but feel very blessed with our only daughter. GD is a very personal journey and we need to remember we are only human, we have a strong desire for our dg but that doesn't make us bad. You sound as if you've worked through your feelings and are in a good place for either outcome. Good luck, xx ps most dh's can be talked round xx

Congrats to you on your daughter, I'm glad your DH came around to having a fourth. I kind of have a feeling my husband may come around in time but I have to be sure I would be okay with a third boy.

[pink_bean]

Huge (((hugs))), I remember when my first was born and he came out and I was like omg IT'S A BABY!! It was really a shock in a way, even though I knew I was having him and he was my DG at the time (I had a boy preference when he was born) it was still a huge mega adjustment. It is for everyone!!!

Thinking of you and let me know if I can help in any way.

Thank you, this forum really helps and I'm glad I'm not alone in my feelings. I'm pretty isolated in "real" life from other mothers that I feel I can open up to. maybe someday soon I can try to sway again if my husband comes around. I just hope he would be on board, he didn't take it too seriously the last time.

[Mrs_Incredible]

I was 39 by the time i had my dd. My dh just turned 40. He had put a sort of limit on wanting to be done by 40, so i knew it was now or never. I got my plan from atomic 12 months before our first attempt, but kept putting it off. I was scared to try and that made postponing it easy, along with my sister falling pg after being told she couldn't have kids, being diabetic since childhood made her pg high risk (she was also told her baby was 1:17 for ds). I took the £600 harmony test as i felt selfish wanting another when my plate was full with my 3 sons, and needed to have a fuller picture as it affects the whole family. I think when swaying it comes down to thinking about what would you regret more, not having your desired gender or not having another child. GD sucks. We all get it. And this forum is full of ladies who know how you feel. Hugs x

[Mrs_Incredible]

I also think to myself, if she had been a boy, i would have loved him the same but would also have a part of my heart that would be sad forever. I feel guilty for that thought. I don't dwell on it tho. I lived gd guilt with ds2&3. But each time i let it go. I'm only human. I love all my kids. I wont always get it right, far from it, but they are all my world and exactly who they were meant to be. Your outlook on a future pg is very positive, you sound as if you've come a long way xx

[kitkat18]

I could not agree more with everything the other ladies have said! Most if not all of who are on here have experienced GD it well and truely sucks! After DS 2 I was determined to get pregnant straight to have my girl and make everything perfect ( take away all the GD I felt mainly when pregnant with DS2) thank god my DH put a stop to that as I was so focused on just having a girl I never would have coped had it been my third boy. We waited this time, there will be a five year gap between DS2 and DD1 and for me time healed I realised I wanted another baby regardless of gender. Thanks to this site and atomic I did get my dream gender I'm 38 weeks with DD. My DH did not know I was swaying he would have thought it was all hocus pocus so I kept it to myself. Good luck and I look forward to following your journey XX