Less than 24 hours 'til I find out

[anothercuppa]

I've cried on and off all morning. I'm exhausted, disgusted with myself and in a very dark place.

I'd done an OK job of tricking myself into peaceful acceptance of either sex during the first trimester. I dropped the sway over 9 months ago as I've been depressed and my therapist urged me to eat a healthy diet (read: boy) because she thought it was having a big impact on my moods and ability to cope.

Once I stopped the LE sway I felt better in myself - it was the final piece to my mental health recovery alongside weaning off anti-depressants a year ago. I was not planning to get pregnant on my normal diet as it's textbook blue, but once it happened I happily persuaded myself it could go either way and tried not to think about it too much. I was doing OK before I fell pregnant. Not amazing, but OK.

After 6 weeks of pregnancy, my depression started to creep back in. I think it's the absence of drugs coupled with the rush of hormones. The cloud has grown bigger, and I'm fairly sure I have proper ante-natal depression now, although I've not told the doctor (not sure why, i think I'm worried they'll think I'm not able to look after my two boys) Everything is hard, nothing is rewarding, I'm exhausted, and take little pleasure in anything.

Anyway, it's now 1pm here and I get my Harmony result at 11am tomorrow. I've been crying all day as I finally admit to myself I'd be totally devastated with a third boy. I've been consumed with thoughts of booking an abortion - and then wept as I've realised how despicable a person that makes me. Cue, the cycle of self loathing, hatred and self disgust. Eventually, when I grow calm again, I think of how I will probably hear that it's a boy tomorrow - and I'm grief stricken again, for the loss of the baby girl that I carry in my heart, always.

And then the dark thoughts of termination come again, followed by the horror at my own plans and thoughts.

I'm so very tired. My children are at nursery school today and I'm home alone. I'm drained, feel horribly sad, I'm already grieving for my little girl that wasn't to be and I can't stop hating myself for all of it

I should consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. And all I feel is a black cloud pressing down on my chest, suffocating and alone

[Kittybear]

You have to speak to someone Hun, really. Pre-natal depression is real. If you don't like your GP ask to speak to another/ the practice nurse/ your MW/ a HV/ your councillor. I promise you they have heard it before and the professionals are best placed to advise you on the next course of action be it further counselling sessions or going back on the antidepressants; I know you may not like this but there are some considered safe for use during pregnancy and your mental health is v important.

Sending hugs xxx

[Claire33]

I'm so sorry to read that you are in such a dark place I just wanted to say that even though I have not experienced depression myself, I have experienced the dark place after hearing DS3. It was awful. I wanted that baby dead, I wanted him to disappear from my belly. But I got through it and I'm ok now, and love that boy with a passion. He is the most delightful child, very smart and sweet, always wanting a cuddle.

That said, I do hope you hear girl. That nub just screams girl you know.

[anothercuppa]

Thank you for your kind words. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. I've turned full circle and am now telling myself I'm the last person on earth who deserves a daughter, and it would serve me right if I never did, for having such dark and horrible thoughts.

Depression and GD are harsh and unforgiving - I wonder whether I'll ever be free, no matter how many, how wonderful or what sex babies I have.

It's a lonely place. Thank you for taking a minute to reply - it's a little comfort x

[foxymrsg]

Ah Hun I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, I have had a look at your scan and am guessing girl. So hope you hear girl tomorrow. I will be thinking of you xx

[pink_bean]

I've cried on and off all morning. I'm exhausted, disgusted with myself and in a very dark place.

I'd done an OK job of tricking myself into peaceful acceptance of either sex during the first trimester. I dropped the sway over 9 months ago as I've been depressed and my therapist urged me to eat a healthy diet (read: boy) because she thought it was having a big impact on my moods and ability to cope.

Once I stopped the LE sway I felt better in myself - it was the final piece to my mental health recovery alongside weaning off anti-depressants a year ago. I was not planning to get pregnant on my normal diet as it's textbook blue, but once it happened I happily persuaded myself it could go either way and tried not to think about it too much. I was doing OK before I fell pregnant. Not amazing, but OK.

After 6 weeks of pregnancy, my depression started to creep back in. I think it's the absence of drugs coupled with the rush of hormones. The cloud has grown bigger, and I'm fairly sure I have proper ante-natal depression now, although I've not told the doctor (not sure why, i think I'm worried they'll think I'm not able to look after my two boys) Everything is hard, nothing is rewarding, I'm exhausted, and take little pleasure in anything.

Anyway, it's now 1pm here and I get my Harmony result at 11am tomorrow. I've been crying all day as I finally admit to myself I'd be totally devastated with a third boy. I've been consumed with thoughts of booking an abortion - and then wept as I've realised how despicable a person that makes me. Cue, the cycle of self loathing, hatred and self disgust. Eventually, when I grow calm again, I think of how I will probably hear that it's a boy tomorrow - and I'm grief stricken again, for the loss of the baby girl that I carry in my heart, always.

And then the dark thoughts of termination come again, followed by the horror at my own plans and thoughts.

I'm so very tired. My children are at nursery school today and I'm home alone. I'm drained, feel horribly sad, I'm already grieving for my little girl that wasn't to be and I can't stop hating myself for all of it

I should consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. And all I feel is a black cloud pressing down on my chest, suffocating and alone

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I also had prenatal depression and found comfort talking to my midwives. I hope you can find some support and know you are not alone!

[anothercuppa]

One hour to go.

I had a nightmare last night, where I was shopping for groceries and a group of women physically attacked me. I woke up knowing it was linked to this. I feel like if the women around me could see my thoughts, they would attack me.

And so I probably deserve it - even my subconscious is telling me I'm a monster

[zahararose]

You're not a monster- you're struggling with some real sadness and pregnant hormones too. You will get through this, and be totally in love with whatever gender baby you have in there, I am sure but until then, you have lots of support and understanding here - we have lived and survived it ourselves

[anothercuppa]

It's a boy.

Of course it is.

I won't be posting again. I've booked an abortion for in 4 days time. I think that will give me enough time to know whether I can go through with it, but right now, it's all I can think of, short of hurting myself.
And if it wouldn't hurt my sons, who even now I'm having to force myself to have feelings for (I am numb), I probably would hurt myself. I feel such darkness, and grief at the loss.

I know that this site 100% does *not* support termination due to the sex of the baby and so respectfully, I'll say goodbye and thank you for those who have offered kind words. I'd also like to emphasise that I'm not encouraging this course of action for anyone else, simply saying that for me, it's all I can see ahead of me.

[XXforhubby]

I'm so sorry you are in such a dark place. I'm praying for you and your baby....


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