How do you decide when to move on (without your DG)?

[trifecta]

I think there will always be a biological drive for more children as long as we are even potentially able. It's just never going to be a clear, comfortable decision but it sounds like for now you are still committed to trying. I guess the question is: if you don't end up with your daughter will you find solace in having done all you could to make that dream come true?

In my case I've ruled out HT so I haven't contemplated its issues as deeply as you have. I don't have any bio-ethical problems with it and think everyone is the best judge of their own situation. For us spending that much money would deprive my existing children of experiences and security. I come from a large-ish lower-middle-class family where everything had to stretch and I feel pretty clear about not wanting to do that again.

I'm 90% sure we're done and even without deeply considering HT it was a hard decision. It really came down to very practical considerations for me, the main one being that I suffer from depression and although I am in therapy and feeling better I spent the first two years after my son's birth in a haze of emotional pain. I just can't lose any more of the kids' childhood to depression. When it's at its worst I'm nowhere near the kind of mother I hope to be. I love my younger son and bonded well with him immediately but I just didn't have the energy to talk or sing or make happy expressions at him as much as I did with my oldest, and I feel guilty because I think that is part of why he is such a timid child. I've been prone to depression throughout my life but pregnancy and the postpartum period definitely exacerbate it.

I'm 39 and I question my decision not to try again all the time but I don't see myself changing my mind. I see myself gradually adapting to the family I have and little by little putting it behind me.

[LacePrincess]

Trifecta, thank you. I agree with everything you say. For sure a priority for me as well is being fair to my sons. If I felt like this journey was starting to take away from them, I would stop. It's not fair.

Financially, thankfully, we are at a place where we can afford to try IVF a few more times. But we do have to put a hard cap on it for sure. We certainly don't plan on going into bankruptcy or credit card debt or anything else fiscally irresponsible to keep cycling. We're pretty lucky that with DH's career, he will be more comfortable financially with every year that goes by, so I'm pretty lucky that we can afford to not worry about our financial stability in the future.

As to whether I can find peace and closure if my journey ends without my DG, to be honest, I don't know. I sure hope so! I'm sure if it comes to that day I will manage it, probably with a whole lot of therapy, lol. I am glad that I did savour every moment of DS3's babyhood/toddlerhood as at the time we weren't sure we were going for baby #4. So I definitely didn't waste a moment of DS's baby years at least.

[atomic sagebrush]

Sometimes I think how much easier this all would have been if we would have stopped with 2, or 3, or 4. God knows I wouldn't trade her for the world but our lives would just be easier now. They really would. I look at some of the ladies that I started this journey with back in 2008 and their youngest are 7 1/2 years old now and they look like they're having a blast. They travel, the kids are doing all these neat activities, they go out with their husbands and post pictures of margaritas. I"m in debt up to my eyeteeth and have to work constantly and have hardly any time or money to enjoy my kiddos. My husband and I are at each others' throats because everything is hard all the time. I get up every day and it feels like I work a series of miracles and stay awake all night worrying (and being kicked by my daughter who is still in our bed at age 3) I also sometimes feel that my two oldest boys have been basically left high and dry because of this dream - I really can't parent them in the way that they deserve, and they do still need some parenting even as adults. If you would have ever told me back in the day that I'd all but kick them out the door at the age of 23 and 19 totally self-supporting, because I had a passel of other kids to take care of I wouldn't have believed it, but that's pretty much how it went. :/


Now, the question is, would I have been so consumed with GD if I hadn't had her and would that not have affected my life and it probably would, but I have also found that people make their peace with it when the door is really closed. It's the possiblity that is so haunting. I even know a lady who had moved on with her three boys and had a girl oops and was actually unhappy about it because she had to start up with the mommy thing again, you know?

So - while I would never change anything and have no regrets, I can see how the "chase" even when successful holds the potential to wreck not only your life, but lots of other people's in the meantime. And I haven't gone to the lengths that some have.

[LacePrincess]

AS, thanks very much for your perspective. It really isn't always going to be a fairytale ending even if I get my DG - it's reality after all, not a Disney movie.

I do think if we continue to chase another baby, and hopefully my DG, I will be going to therapy - regularly. I'm an obsessive type and now with my infertility challenges I'm seeing it as a gauntlet thrown down by Mother Nature. So now it's like this challenge I HAVE to beat. And I realize that that is perhaps not the healthiest way of looking at it!!

I too am concerned about being fair to my other kids! I already do feel like it's taken away from them a bit in the past few years of trying and swaying and HT. And if we continue with TTC when we're now needing fertility treatments, that's going to potentially affect them even more. It's totally unacceptable to me to negatively affect my living children chasing a future child who might never come into being.

For now, me and DH are on the same page. I do think that if he ever says we're done, that's enough, then I will be done too. (With lots of counseling perhaps, lol). But definitely my marriage and my boys are far more important than TTC for another, if it comes down to having to choose.

[trifecta]

I have also found that people make their peace with it when the door is really closed. It's the possiblity that is so haunting.

When I look back on other disappointments in my life that at the time completely consumed me none of them now seem at all important. I'm hoping that one day this will be how I feel about it.

[LacePrincess]

ITA that it's an obsession that drives me in a lot of ways. But hey, I'm an obsessive person!

Recently have taken up my piano studies again (was a serious classical pianist as a child/teen, but burnt out), and working towards my professional performing certification. It's giving me a goal that's something OTHER than baby related to focus on. The reason for my renewed interest was because DS1 recently started to take lessons and it has really motivated me.

So something new to focus on at least!