Stupid comments

[hopper]

Hi ladies, I've taken a break from the boards for a while after finding out we are having our third little man this summer. It was an unintentional break as I was genuinely ok after our scan at 15+2 and was, in my own words, "embracing the blue" this time! We decided not to tell people straight away. Just because I was ok with having a third boy doesn't mean I was ready for inane comments people can make!

We've slowly told my family (that's just my parents, only sister and her OH) and I've dealt with several less-than-sensitive comments (as they knew how much I wanted a girl) like my sister, who's ttc her first at the momen, saying things like "You better hope I don't win the race for the first grand-daughter" or my mother "get a grip and just be happy with what you have been given" (as if I'm unhappy with what I HAVE, I'm unhappy with how I feel and the notion that I quite possibly will never have it but as she had two girls and never had an inclination for a boy she doesn't understand at all)

We've also told my FIL (who was lovely and said nothing at all) and one of my SILs and her DH (who just said "What do you want girls for anyway, they're just a load of trouble" and proceeded to tell us about their DD who is almost 14 and a complete hellion right now - which was them trying to be helpful but just re-enforced the idea in my mind that no one "gets" it. I AM a girl, I KNOW what girls are like and I STILL want one of my own so nothing anyone says to portray daughters negatively will change my feelings - unfortunately!! I wish their words would!!)

I also chose to tell one other person, my friend who has a PP and has claimed in the past to understand my want for a daughter as she has often said she was disappointed her second child was a boy as she wanted two girls, but since I told her this is another boy she has been really insensitive (maybe I'm being overly sensitive, I'll admit I probably am but she's been so understanding and careful with certain words before this and now I feel like she just doesn't care.
Her DS was recently officially diagnosed ASD and I understand that she's grieving and coming to terms as she was in complete denial before so I haven't said anything about her comments but it still doesn't make them any easier. Things like "Oh I told *insert her DDs name here* you were having another boy and she started to cry. She said its just not fair that *DS1* and *DS2* don't have a sister" (I understand a child said these words but was there a real need to relay them to me?!) and other really silly ones like "My cousin is being induced this morning. She's *finally* having her little girl! We are all so excited but *insert cousin's name here* was so worried her DD will be ugly in her newborn photos cause her son was a really ugly baby!" Like WTH?!?! Worried about her DD being ugly? And "finally" having her girl - after only one boy!! Sorry but I'm on my third and no girls, can I get a bit of tact please!! Its just silly stuff like that and I feel its really driving a wedge between us!

The other thing is comments from people that don't even know I'm having another boy. Like last week I had a wedding of an old friend. DH couldn't go as we had no one to mind the boys so I went stag. I still had a great day but at the meal I was sat with some girls I don't see very often but we always get on very well. They were saying that since I haven't had hyperemesis this time, after having it so bad on my first two, this baby has to be a girl. Fair enough, I was thinking similarly myself a few weeks ago despite trying to lie to myself and say I wasn't. But then one of the girls (who has two daughters and no desire for a boy whatsoever) puts her arms around my shoulders and gives me a squeeze before saying "I'm so happy you'll finally have a girl. I've always felt so sorry for you only having had boys!" Are. You. SERIOUS?! For all she knows I could be having another boy - oh wait, I AM! How am I supposed to tell people now after comments like that.

It's something I struggle with every day but the comments are making it SO much harder than it has to be. I'm perfectly ok, more than ok really, with having another son. In all honesty I am probably more suited to rearing boys. I'm a difficult enough woman without adding another to the mix but the heart wants what the heart wants. The struggle I have is the feeling of "losing" my girl. I genuinely had no doubts in my mind that I was having a girl this time until I posted my 13 week nub shot and got boy guesses. I did my grieving then at 13/14 weeks but there are days when it hits me really hard and I feel so sad - and then I feel guilty for feeling this way and then I think well why can't I be honest with how I'm feeling. DH doesn't get it at all. He thinks I'm being selfish wishing for a girl. I'm not wishing this baby away and I'm grateful for him and hope he is as perfect as his big brothers. He will be so loved and slot right into our lives but I am grieving the life I feel I should have had - with a daughter. If that even makes sense?!

We are going to have to tell people its another boy as now that we've told some people it will slowly get around, as news always does in a small community, and I wanted to own it and be ok with it but stupid comments can make it so much harder than it has to be!

Sorry for the long winded rant post. I feel a bit better having written it down!

[sweetdream]

Maybe just maybe just throw it in there faces!
Say with you greatest fake smile thank you but there is a suprise! I'm getting An amazing another Son!!! Well we do make very beautiful boys!

I can write a book About those stupid comments!
And we do understand. You are not alone. You can be super proud at yourself!
And you will be just fine.
Ppl will stop with the comments evantually but you will never stop loving them.

[XXforhubby]

I'm so sorry you are going through this Hopper! I honestly believe that people don't think before they speak sometimes.

I dreaded the comments too, not because I wanted a DD, but because I felt I had to defend me wanting a third boy. I think people expected we would have a DD after two boys, and assumed I wanted a DD. I actually had anxiety when TTCing a DD for my DH, because I wanted a third boy and I didn't want to upset him.

When announcing our third boy, I always said it with a huge smile on my face and followed by saying we are super excited. That always shut them up. Everyone always congratulated me and said how lucky we were.

It will get easier. My DH is so happy with our boys now and is ok with not having anymore kids.


[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]

[Babygirlquest]

People are idiots! Trust me it gets easier when baby is here. I actually pretended to go team green with my third boy even tho we did find out because I didn't want the comments. When I announced his birth with his beautiful face no one dared say anything!

With my fourth son we actually went team green and everyone was genuinely thrilled when he arrived!

[Beau82]

I definitely got loads of awful comments, especially with DS4. We found out at 20 weeks and while I wasn't ready for the comments, I wanted to get it out there so I could get all the stupid comments out of the way well before he arrived. Just to make you feel a little better about people, I got some really lovely comments too. Like my friend who said "wow! A house full of boys sounds so charming". And my aunt who simply said "you are so very blessed to be surrounded by sweet, handsome boys".

My SIL is pregnant with her first child now and just found out it's a girl. So this will be the first granddaughter for my husband's side of the family. MIL had 3 boys so first girl for a while. SIL has always been very sweet but when she sent me her little announcement video, she also made the comment that she couldn't stop crying all day since she found out she's having a girl. Made me wonder if she would have reacted like that if she heard boy, guessing not at all. That comment just really irked me since she knows how badly I want a girl. It was almost like she was rubbing salt in the wound by proclaiming how extremely happy she was not to be having a boy.

[familymatters]

Can I just say, that the majority of people as so incredibly stupid. And not very emotionally intelligent. That woman at the wedding, omg what a daft twit. The thing is, is that you're very happy you're having a boy, but you also wish you were having a girl. These emotions are complex enough without the general public muddying the waters. If you lived in China or India, you would be told a million times over how lucky/blessed/fabulous/clever you were for having three boys. And the truth is, you are! You will be surrounded by love and loyalty in the shape of three little boys that will grow up into three delightful men. And they will marry and you'll can have close relationships with their wives and they will have children and you will have a mixture of beautiful grandsons and granddaughters who you adore and spoil etc. You're life is full of love and happiness, don't let the insensitive comments of people dampen that for you xx

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[oceancitymom]

Seriously I feel so pissed off just reading this. I'll never forget running into a friend of my mom's at the mall shortly after finding out we were having DS2, and she said, "Oooh...a girl???" And I said, "No, a boy." And she WINCED and turned to my mom and said, "Sorry." And followed up with a question to me about how in the world was I going to continue to work and have two kids. It might be petty, but I still feel contempt for this woman and don't feel sorry that she has no children and her husband recently left her. There. That's my contribution to this rant thread!

[atomic sagebrush]

I have occasionally been in the situation where I said something undeniably stupid and it was largely nervousness and lack of thought (blurting out something I heard once upon a time said by some nitwit and then somehow it's coming out of my mouth.) It is one of those situations where you have to embrace your inner superhero and realize "this is one of those times where I have superior social skills" and just know that living well is the best revenge.

[atomic sagebrush]

Can I just say, that the majority of people as so incredibly stupid. And not very emotionally intelligent. That woman at the wedding, omg what a daft twit. The thing is, is that you're very happy you're having a boy, but you also wish you were having a girl. These emotions are complex enough without the general public muddying the waters. If you lived in China or India, you would be told a million times over how lucky/blessed/fabulous/clever you were for having three boys. And the truth is, you are! You will be surrounded by love and loyalty in the shape of three little boys that will grow up into three delightful men. And they will marry and you'll can have close relationships with their wives and they will have children and you will have a mixture of beautiful grandsons and granddaughters who you adore and spoil etc. You're life is full of love and happiness, don't let the insensitive comments of people dampen that for you xx

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my husband said, "In China, I'd be a God!" LOL. We are really blessed many times over and if others can't see it, that's their problem.

[atomic sagebrush]

Much of this gets better when you're out of the baby stage and into the "look at my awesome family" stage.