Hoping and praying for a boy, find out tomorrow at elective U/S!

[cheriex333]

Hi Throwaway panther - Thanks for your honest feedback. The therapy sessions are helpful, we are doing both talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy to retrain the way I think. My therapist suggests I have a catastrophic view of this pregnancy, seeing only the "possibilities of negatives" rather than the reality.
Yes, you're right I am projecting my insecurities and fears onto this unborn child. My head is very logical, so I know my fears/anxiety are unfounded. However, my feelings are harder to control.

I am no longer severely depressed and crying every single day fearing of the future, I can actually function now. I actually wrote in another forum, ingender, about my ordeal with attempting (and not going through) with a tx. At this point tx is no longer an option, so it's good that I don't have a choice, but it also makes me feel "trapped". Like the impending due date is getting nearer, and she'll be here regardless if I'm "cured" or not.

I compare GD to grief. I am "losing" my much wanted son, AND also having to raise someone I don't want. I know how awful that sounds, but it's the way I feel.

I feel like a dichotomy, I sometimes look forward to baby girl, and wish she was here already. There have been a handful of times when I felt loving/protective feelings towards LO.
When we got the full anatomy scan, got to see her round head, hands, profile, etc. It was moving, and it made me cry bc I realize she's not just a blob anymore, she's a real life baby, waiting to be born.

Then just as easily in another moment I get annoyed at her kicks, and think it would be so much easier to deal with stress if it was my desired gender. I know it's awful, but I still fantasize about being unpregnant (miscarriage), about nature taking its course and relieving me of any guilt so I can try again (IVF PGD) for a guaranteed son. Had I known what I am experiencing now, we would have done IVF PGD to begin with, the past few months have been true hell.

How are you feeling and is your GD getting better? I notice you're due in June, I'm due shortly after you in early July. Do you find that as your due date approaches, you're getting better? I'd like to keep in touch as I think we can share and learn from each other's experiences. I rarely find other ladies who are disappointed in a first born daughter, it's usually multiples and most women want a girl.

[Throwaway_panther]

I'm so glad you're finding some gradual healing with a professional, days getting better, etc.

I'd definitely like to keep in touch, particularly because... wow! I had to scroll up to make sure I wasn't just rereading an old post of mine -- we are nearly identical in how we are thinking and viewing our pregnancies.

As for my own GD -- it has (had?) gotten better. I actually just found out I failed my 1 hour glucose test and have to take the three hour now, which really set me back for today. I struggled with anorexia for most of my life (and had been dealing with a major relapse before conceiving, hence why I think I ended up with a girl -- major LE lifestyle), and so to hear that I may have to monitor food and numbers (blood sugar) is really anxiety-inducing for me; my immediate coping was to "just not eat at all then," which I know now can apparently throw the glucose numbers anyway.

I went to that dark place again, after weeks of being "okay" and feeling like, "Well now I know what to do for a blue sway, so I feel more in control." Hearing the possible diagnosis of gestational diabetes after years of anorexia had me thinking all the same things again -- I wish I wasn't pregnant, I don't want this baby, I wish I had control over my body again, etc. etc. I even looked up "7 month abortion," which I'm mortified to admit (and obviously wouldn't do, since it's pretty much not a thing TO be done AND I know I was just spiraling into really severe negativity).

So I know that might not be the "good news" to relay, BUT... I had been getting better. Already I'm just fueling my controlling tendencies into ways to lower blood sugar, which apparently means dropping my full fat dairy I'd introduced to get ready for my postpartum blue sway ;(

That said, some of the things that helped were:
* My husband is so excited and so enamored of our daughter; he's even said, "I love her" and she's not even here!
* I don't know if this is scientific or normal or what, but I sometimes feel just these sort of random surges of what must be oxytocin? I only started feeling them the last few weeks, but it makes me feel more pleasantly inclined towards this baby... which makes me wonder if it's some sort of preggo mechanism I just hadn't heard talked about?
* Being active on here -- I feel like this is the most supportive gender related forum on the internet. I think ingender has the potential to "re trigger" our negative feelings, so I'd recommend staying off of there.

I'm going to send you a friend request just so we don't lost track of each other, but I definitely hope you seeing a professional continues to help. I should note that I ALSO just went through a lot of unrelated stress + having to go 2 weeks without seeing my therapist, which was of course all terrible timing for this re-acquaintance with my GD.

[cheriex333]

Hi Throwaway Panther - Yes yes yes, I can so relate to your post. I also battled an ED through most of my adulthood and I think the pregnancy weight gain exacerbates it, especially harder bc it's not the desired gender. I'm afraid a girl will "look up" to me and try to be like me, which is something I do not want. The pressure of trying to be a good role model, praying she doesn't develop an eating disorder or body image issues.

You mentioned you were doing better and then had some dark moments, how are you feeling now? I'm glad your DH is a positive influence and helps you to feel better about your baby. My DH is so excited about this kid (he's in his 40s and this is his first baby), but it makes me feel guilty bc I'm not on the same wavelength.

I too have my good/bad days. Most of the time I'm just angry at the world, annoyed by everything. If I had a boy, I would be in such a happy mood and can take anything, but now it's just hard to even fake a smile. Mornings are the worst, when I wake up and feel her kicks I'm reminded that I AM STILL PREGNANT, this kid is real and she's going to be here soon. I still pray/wish for a miscarriage (or rather at this point, it'd be a stillbirth). But then I feel awful after seeing online that at this gestational age (I'm 24 weeks), they are fully formed and are mini babies, most are viable at this point, and can feel/hear.

I feel like it's a lose-lose situation. The baby deserves a mom who is excited about her, who is counting down the days to meet her. She's not even here yet and I am already a bad parent, one who doesn't deserve a beautiful innocent daughter.

[ejk741]

I know this is a few weeks old... But I figured I would respond since I've been there and am now on the other side. I remember the day I found out my daughter was a girl. I felt trapped.. And what was trapping me was inside me and I couldn't do anything about it. I went through the stages of grief... Denial, anger, bargaining, the whole deal. It was so hard to get excited. Then she was born. Like others have said, the moment you see her things will change. It felt like I had been in a dark room by myself for months and then suddenly someone turned on the lights. My daughter is beautiful and intelligent. She is thoughtful and funny. She is the girliest girl I have ever met and I wouldn't change any of it. I hate to say this... Because when I was in your shoes these words seemed so fake and unrealistic... But just wait until you meet her. I promise it gets better!

[Boyzmommy]

Well said ejk741


Mom to two princes
Princess in belly