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[Complex Emotions]

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[3'sacharm]

You'll never regret a child that's for sure, you may grieve for the daughter you never had, but you're highly likely to regret never having tried for your girl! Only you can make that decision.x

[squigglepink]

Complex - you will never regret another boy. You will more than likely, by the sounds of it, have GD - BUT that will fade as your boy grows up to be amazing like his older brother! After my first lovely son i was only expecting a girl next. There was nothing else i was meant to have but a daughter. At our 20 week scan when baby was confirmed a boy, i cried. Hard. For two days. I was bummed the remainder of my pregnancy. Its safe to say now, however, he is the apple of my eye. I cannot tell you how important it is that he is here, in our family. He totally makes sense and ticks all the boxes. My husband and i are constantly saying how delighted we are he turned out a boy. Him and his older brother play cars and trucks. They play in the garden with their spades and dig for worms and bugs. They are buddies and brothers and i know a brother is what my eldest son needed in his little life. The real reason im going for a 3rd is my own desire to have a girl. That is all. Even my DH is fine with another boy. I just wanted to let you know how you do not stand alone in your anxiety to have a second boy after already having one, as i was there. As for having only one child, i think that is totally ideal in many ways. I can only speak for myself and say that whilst raising two boys is tough, i dont think its any easier raising two daughters, or BG. I almost want to say, go on, have more, because here i am at 39, trying for a 3rd, wishing i had started this process years ago! I personally am rather pleased i have a brother and a sister. I would like my kids to have each other, for many reasons later on in life. But, some only children have big families and cousins etc which works out fine too.
I wish you all the very best in your decision. I think all of us on here have had similar feelings to you re GD. I even have days when i think im crazy to want to add a possible 3rd boy into our mix. But im running out of time to contemplate this much longer.. and also - i look at my second boy and think he will make a great middle child and older brother!

[Erin514]

I would say that if you're feeling this way, you should give yourself a break from ttc. LOTS of women have kids after 35, and you don't have to close the door permanently. But it really sounds like you're not in a healthy place physically or emotionally right now. Could you maybe just agree to take 6 months off where you don't have to focus on a second baby and then see how you feel after that?

[trifecta]

I would say that if you're feeling this way, you should give yourself a break from ttc. LOTS of women have kids after 35, and you don't have to close the door permanently. But it really sounds like you're not in a healthy place physically or emotionally right now. Could you maybe just agree to take 6 months off where you don't have to focus on a second baby and then see how you feel after that?

I agree that you should take a break, maybe just a brief one to take the pressure off, and try to reframe how you think about some of these issues. It might be ideal to have kids when you are under 35 but it certainly isn't dangerous to have kids over 35, or to put it off for a little bit to decide what you really want. There's no emergency, only a gradual decline in fertility and I think it's more dangerous to rush into something you don't want.

I also think nobody ever needs to justify not having another child. Studies have been pretty clear that children benefit more from the attention of their parents than from adding more children to the household. I'm glad my kids have each other but I don't think anyone should ever feel guilty about not reproducing.

I don't think you should expect the decision to suddenly become clear--it's never clear--but I think you should find a way to relax and not spool yourself up too much over these issues. If you can I think you should try to relax about the gender issue as well. I have GD, you have GD, everyone here knows what that absence feels like, but separately from that there is nothing awful about raising two boys.

[atomic sagebrush]

No, that is NOT what I said (regarding genetics). In fact I have said the opposite on many occasions, that gender is NOT genetic in the way that we think about it - it is very, very unlikely to be a heritable trait and there is complicated science and math backing this up. Starting with how such a trait could have possibly come to be (because humans have lived in small tribes historically, how could such a trait have possibly evolved, it would quickly spread through the genome and the gender ratio would be completely out of balance), secondly because of all the men that have ever lived only 40% of them have survived to have living ancestors today (80% of all women that ever lived have living ancestors today) so any gene that linked itself to male offspring would be putting itself at a huge disadvantage to begin with, and finally because men so much more often are killed off young, any gene that linked itself to male offspring would run an astronomical risk of completely being wiped out in one fell swoop. Genes are weirdly "smart" and they don't link themselves exclusively to things that put them at such an impossible disadvantage as "male only".

There may be qualities such as height, muscle mass, etc. that may be somewhat linked with gender and genetics, but if a tall man married a short woman and had short, slight sons, those short sons would NOT be at a reproductive advantage and thus it would make more sense for their offspring to be more female dominant. It is all about what gives the genes the best chance of being handed down to future generations and the best chance lies with remaining flexible and open to receiving signals from the environment and conceiving the gender with the better shot. It makes NO sense for a gene to link to only one gender or another.

[atomic sagebrush]

I too am concerned about your anxiety level but at the same time I have found, with my anxiety, the longer I drag things out, the higher the anxiety becomes. It grows and grows and does NOT improve with time. I suspect that if you postpone the decision, it won't get any easier and may even get worse. But that is just me and you may be different.

My opinion for whatever it is worth is that I concur that an only child boy is also something that I really, really wanted to avoid based on my personal observations. I'm not trying to color your decision but just that I have formed a similar opinion from my own life experience. It is not impossible to raise a male only child well, I'm sure, but it's just not been my experience that they turn out very good. :/ I think boys should come in pairs like shoes. (But yes trifecta has it so right that there is no reason to ever feel GUILTY on behalf of others for following your own heart.)

I think you're overthinking the 2 boys idea. I had my first two boys for 13 years before my little batch came along and while I of course love all my children equally and my oldest son is and will forever be my baby, my second son and I have a very special relationship that I cannot imagine not experiencing. They have both always been unbelievably sweet, loving, and supportive sons and I can't imagine life without them. It's like you're saying no to a new best friend that you don't even know yet.

They are only little for a short while. The yelling and bouncing and running and hollering (and let me tell ya, girls do that too) that is only for the blink of an eye. If you've only been around multiple little boys at a party or event or the McDonald's playplace, well, of COURSE they're worked up and energetic then. That doesn't mean that there aren't many many other times where they are peaceful and calm and you can enjoy them one on one just like you can with any child boy or girl.

I think we talked about this already but the "35" idea is really not true. It's based on data from the 1600s that doctors are taught in medical school (without ever learning the source) and they report as fact when it isn't. As more and more women are successfully having healthy babies at older ages it's become impossible to believe this hype any more and the science does not support it. http://genderdreaming.com/forum/late...d-article.html

[Babygirlquest]

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[Pink Pony]

Hi Complex, I just want you to know that what you are feeling is so normal for an "over thinker" type personality. When I heard I was having a boy for my first I was ok with that and that I would just try again as I always believed I was destined for a daughter, 7 years passed before I fell pregnant unexpectedly ( thought we couldn't due to a surgery on my husband) anyway, I was devastated to find out I was pregnant as I hadn't planned for my girl and was terrified beyond anything it would be another boy. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant apart from hubby. I truly believed in my gut that the universe was giving me my girl and that my years of prayers were being answered. I was so scared for the scan at 19 weeks that I told my husband not to come because I knew I wouldnt be able to hide my dissapointment if it was another boy and I couldn't bare the thought of trying to pretend that I wasn't completely and utterly gutted!

Sure enough... It was another boy!!! Honestly I cried for about 2 months, everyone knew how much I wanted a girl so I felt I was being pitied by everyone when I told them it was a boy. Time passed and I the day arrived to have him and once he was there, my heart melted, you couldn't not love him. Before I was stressing about how I could possibly love another boy as I had one already, I didn't want too.

My point is.. I love my second boy more than life itself, he is a real mummy's boy and when I do look at him and he is smothering me in kisses I feel so guilty for thinking I didn't want him.

Honestly, GD doesn't go away because I still want my girl and I have been trying since October, on the diet since May 15 and still haven't fallen pregnant, but I will keep trying. I am 38 in June.

Sometimes I think when we are given the choice to plan, we overthink everything and it makes the decision so much harder. I think you should just try to better the odds of having your girl through the diet and exercise.

My view is that I feel like swaying is like preparing for an exam where you can study your heart out and be confident in your ability in what you can possibly do to achieve your goal, but then circumstances at that time might be more powerful than what u can control. Hope that makes sense.

I promise you that you can love another boy, I am living proof of it. Sometimes you have to face your fears because when you do, they don't seem that big anymore.

Overthinking kills your mind and your happiness! I constantly pull my mind out of the "what if " gutter everyday!

Hugs and good luck.

[tata]

I m a mom of 2 boys . Im like you was terrified of having a second boy and now my little man is the best . I know the feeling . I'm preg of my third and I'm terrified of having a third boy . I would love him but I would always miss having a girl . This is my last baby . My husband already scheduled his vasectomy. That is how serious he is about this issue , so I know how you feel . Well think positive . You will get your girl I'm on my third try so I guess I forgot about my disappointment .
Good luck



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