My story.

[Serenity]

I will never have a daughter.

These are the words that keep echoing through my mind.

I can't quite believe it, I can't quite adjust to it. It's like I don't even really understand the concept.

I hate myself for feeling this way. Why can't I just be happy with my boys? They are beautiful, sweet, smart, caring boys. They love their mommy and I love them. Why can't I just take them to Disneyland and be done with it?

MY DAUGHTER DOESN'T EXIST. She never did. Why can't I get this through my thick skull?

I'm so angry at myself for allowing this to take me over. For allowing hope to take me over. I've never been the lucky one, why would it be any different this time? Why am I putting myself through this, when it will probably end in miscarriage or another lovely boy who I will bond with fiercely and tenderly, but who still won't be my daughter?

I miss her so much. I've been waiting for her all of my life. She was my hope in dark places, when I was just a child growing up in hell. She's what got me through and made me survive. She's always been my rainbow, my light at the end of a very long and scary tunnel.

My father was a very sick man. He did things to me and my siblings that I don't talk about with anyone but my therapist, because I don't want to traumatize people with the knowledge of what I went through. My mom left us for awhile when I was 11 years old, so at that time it was just us and him. I wanted to die for most of my childhood, but I encouraged myself to survive for the hope of a better future.

I had a friend when I was a child who had a beautiful home and kind and loving parents. I slept over at her house one night and couldn't believe how lovely everything was. She slept in an upstairs bedroom with a cathedral ceiling. She had nice clothes and ate pancakes for breakfast. Her mom laughed and joked with her, and her dad was gentle. It was really all too good to be true, except that it was true, for her. She had such a beautiful life.

I didn't consciously envy her much at the time, just a bit, kind of wistfully, but what I did do was make an internal blueprint of her life. I saved it all for my daughter. I decided that my daughter's name would be Sara, just like my friend, and that she would have everything my princess friend had. So I grew up and found a gentle man to love and to marry, I bought a house on an acreage, with upstairs bedrooms with cathedral ceilings, and I got an education and made money so there would be enough for nice clothes and nice things. And then I waited for her.

And she hasn't arrived.

I'm so tired of waiting for her. She seems less and less real as time goes on, like she's fading out of the picture, never to be replaced.

I don't know why I can't just adjust to the reality of my life. I have had princes instead of my princess. They sleep in upstairs rooms with cathedral ceilings. They have nice clothes, and on the weekends they have pancakes or cinnamon buns with icing for breakfast. Their father is gentle and kind, and their mother laughs and jokes with them.

I hate that I didn't get to have a childhood like that, and that I don't get to give that to a little girl, either. I think that was my ultimate plan for healing. I'm not like my father, taking power over others to feel triumphant, so I had to find another way to overcome everything that happened to me. I wanted to turn the past on its head, and watch as my daughter lived out the beautiful life I would have so loved to experience. I truly had no other expectations of her - just that she would be happy, safe, and free, and do with that gift whatever she wished.

Although the past rears its ugly head inside me quite often as I raise my children, I think I have been largely successful at giving them a life I would have wished to have as a child. Why isn't that enough for me?

My daughter would be so loved, so treasured, and so protected. She would have all the space she needs to fly, and a soft, warm place to land. I have so much to give her. She would truly be the luckiest little girl in the whole world. Everything that was in my power to do for her, I would do.

My DH tells me to give this gift to my sons. I am trying. It is harder, somehow...it's like it gets lost in translation. It's like a beautiful room full of pink clothes that I have saved forever inside of me, and now I have to paint them all blue, piece by piece. It hurts to have to do this. I don't want to give it up.

I feel like I need her in my life, to be my happy ending, and to prove to me that I'm not cursed, that I'm not unlucky. That it all really wasn't my fault. That I am good, and capable of being a good mother to a little girl that looks like me. To prove to me that at the end of the day, love wins.

I know I need to be strong enough to believe this no matter what. Even if I never have a daughter, even if someone abuses my boys, even if someone in my lovely new family dies. I need to choose to believe that LOVE WINS. I need to hold on to the strength I have always had, the strength that is only my own and that brought me through the worst things anyone could imagine. I survived all that. Love already won in me, and it wins in me again every day as I mother my children.

Maybe I can be grateful to my daughter for helping me survive, even if I never actually get to meet her. But what I wouldn't give to touch her skin one time. To stroke her hair. To see her eyes. To hold her in my arms, just once. To feel all the evil of the past melt away for good. To tell myself, see, it was worth it. It was worth every second of it. Every horror you survived, all the pain, all the heartbreak, it is truly gone, and IT WAS WORTH IT. Because, look, you made it...here she is.

[XXforhubby]

Huge hugs! I wish I could tell you it will be ok, but I honestly don't know. I think it's a work in progress. I too had a horrific childhood, except it was my mother that did and allowed unspeakable things happen to me. I've healed from my past and have forgiven her. I have a relationship with her, but I don't allow my kids to have alone time with her. I've seen subtle glimpses of the woman she used to be, and I will never allow them to be alone with her for that very reason.

I never thought I wanted children. I wanted to make sure that I dealt with everything, because they didn't deserve to come into the world with a mom who had hellacious baggage. I had my first child with a leap of faith that I could handle it, because I had done the unspeakable- forgive my mother and allowed the little girl I used to be heal. I prayed to God to give me little boys because I was so afraid I would somehow damage a little girl. While I knew that I would never be the kind of mother my mother was to me, I couldn't bear to let her down, to even raise my voice in fear I would ever go too far, that I would be insensitive her her feelings. Sometimes as mothers life happens. We don't mean to be dismissive but we have to prioritize at times. See, I'm afraid of crossing the line. My mom crossed it and then some. I cannot mention what occurred because it's too horrific. I knew what not to do as a parent, but I lived with someone who wasn't always a monster. I lived with someone who could be nice and appear to have my best interest at heart. Then something would happen and it would end up like a horror movie all of a sudden. I thought that the stress of having little ones at times would be easier somehow if they were little boys. While it has been true to the extent my sons are all I know, I've learned that it didn't matter if I raised boys or girls, children have similar needs and go through similar things. I am proud to say I'm the kind of mother that I always wanted to have. While I make my share of mistakes, I will never be the monster I experienced with my children.

I believe if you want to try again for another baby, I would go for it. It's hard putting yourself out there- it's vulnerable. I can't guarantee you'll get your daughter, but you'll never know if you don't try. Having another little person to love and nurture will hopefully get you through should it be another little boy that joins your family.

Huge hugs and great job at overcoming such adversity! [emoji8]




[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2 [emoji602], & DS3 [emoji577][emoji170]
[emoji166]One last pink sway 2016[emoji166]
My Ovulation Chart

[A Mad Swayentist]

Wow. Beautifully written, Serenity. I can't really say anything because I'm not there (having 0 children right now) but I do know the feeling of a connection to a daughter who doesn't exist.

There may be someone out there who may meet you someday and you will realize she is partly there: a girlfriend of one of your sons. A clear-eyed daughter-in-law blessed with a gentle man for a husband - a man you couldn't have raised without the help of a gentle, loving father. A bubbly, delightful granddaughter. A young friend from church or work struggling with parallels to the ones you struggled with in your own childhood. These are not your daughter who may never exist - and yet these are women to whom you will have a profound and deeper connection to than an imagined daughter, whose existence will always be framed in a way that a real person never could.

Since I know we will only have one or two kids myself, I try and reassure myself that these are the ones we are seeking, even if we end up with two sons: the real women out there who will benefit from our kindness and wisdom and comfort, and who will benefit from our raising strong, good, gentle men who will make the world a better place.

[pink_bean]

I can relate to so much. I wonder if for many of us, that little girl was the inner child who so desperately needed to be loved in the way that we were not as children. We held on to her as a hopeful dream for our whole lives, so of course we grieve never having her. Big hugs.

[signingmommyfor3]

Wow Serenity, you sound just like me. I had a very sick father as well and when my mother did something to protect us we were taken away and given to his parents who were just as bad as him and allowed him to be around. I grew up hating myself and my mother for not being in my life. I want a daughter to be able to give her a life I didn't have. My boys have had it rough with their bio dad, my abusive husband, and I am just now finally being able to protect them legally, but they have had it hard and my husband is different. I wanted a daughter to give a good life and God is giving me another son. I wanted a daughter to have that bond and relationship I didn't have. I even have a spiritual medium that insists I will have 3 boys and a girl, where is she?

[Heart desires pink LP]

Sorry to hear Serenity! That's such a moving story. Hugs to you for being such a great mom! You can be proud of the fact that your boys have 'Sara's magical life'. Have you considered HT/IVF?

[Serenity]

Thanks to all for your replies, and hugs to anyone who feels like I do. It's really tough.

Heart desires, I have considered HT. Right now it's definitely not an option for us, as my husband is not even sure he wants to have another child at all. If I do manage to have another child, it will probably only be with considerable sacrifice on my part - I've told my husband he can have pretty much anything he wants in life if he will go ahead with this for me. If I'm being honest with myself, I think he really doesn't want to have any more kids. He's an excellent father, but it's not the be all and end all for him the way it kind of is for me. He likes fishing and quadding and outdoor stuff, and wants time for all of this. He also finds dealing with the kids pretty stressful. He doesn't like the noise and the fighting and whining that often happens, and there's no way for me to stop the kids from being kids. Things are pretty heartbreaking between us right now. I'm getting sadder and sadder as I come to understand how he feels about things, and he's getting sad, too, as he comes to realize how deeply I feel about this. I love and respect him very much, and I'm not sure how to find a good solution.

signingmommy, xxforhubby, and pinkbean, I'm so sorry you feel this way as well. I'm sorry we all didn't get what we needed as kids. It's not fair, and there's really no replacing what we lost. I'm trying to grieve it as best I can, but it's just so big. I know I need to let it go when I'm able to.

xxforhubby, I think the fact that you are aware that there is a line, and not lying to yourself about that, is the difference between you and your mother. You can't cross a line if you totally, deep down know it's there, YKWIM? I think that's the gift that Sara's family and other positive people in my life gave me...I know what my kids deserve, and I'm determined that they will have it. I'm definitely not a perfect mom, and my kids have been impacted by my history (because of my fears), but they aren't living anything remotely like the life I had to go through, and that's something I am grateful for every day. We are not in contact with my father at all, and actually managed to get him put away for a while because of the things he did.

Swayentist, thank you. I try to tell myself this as well. I think this cuts so deep for me because I've already lost so much...I moved away from my family of origin when I was very young to try to start a new life, so I don't have my mother or sister around, and I'm a very shy, introverted, sensitive person who prefers the company of family over friends, so connecting with female friends is hard for me. I'm working from home right now and have literally no females in my life at all, and it's lonely in a way I didn't bargain for. When I moved away from home, I think I was just thinking about getting away from my father, and didn't realize that I was leaving everyone else at the same time. I'm very sad about all of this, and I'm tired of overcoming. I'm not sure I have much left in me.

[Serenity]

I hope it's OK if I use this thread as my place to process everything that's coming up for me. Maybe it will be of help to someone someday, and it's definitely helping me to get what I feel out into words instead of leaving it trapped inside of me.

So today I was at the grocery store, starving because I'm skipping breakfast for swaying and I hadn't eaten anything yet. I was in line loading up my groceries, and this lady and her daughter got in line behind me. They were really cute, and what was cuter was that they didn't seem to have any idea how TOTALLY FREAKIN' CUTE they were. The girl was maybe 11 or 12, and she looked EXACTLY like her mom. They both had glasses and blond hair, and they were both looking at their cell phones in just the same way as they waited in line. I forgot something I had meant to buy, so I ran back to get it, and when I got back to the line the girl stepped very politely out of my way and smiled at me with a lot of kindness in her face.

Part of me wanted to beat them both to a pulp. Seriously. I wanted to smash their faces in, just for existing, and even more so for daring to get into the same lineup as me when that was the last thing I wanted to see right now.

I'm realizing that I have always been deeply envious and bitter because of the way my childhood played out. I am an envious, bitter, angry person. I am full of hatred and rage towards my father and myself. I want desperately to fix everything that has been broken in my life, but it's all unfixable. I've always felt that living a good life would be the best revenge against everyone who ever harmed me when I was little, but the problem is that I have that now, and it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't change one thing that happened to me. Giving this good life I have built to my children is a profound blessing, but it doesn't satisfy. There is no satisfaction to be had. If I got to hurt my father as much as he hurt me, it would not change anything. It's nothing he hasn't already suffered, of course.

There is nothing that can give me back what I have lost: my innocence, my right to grow up free from harm, my entire childhood that was so dark and twisted and insane, and that should have been what Sara had. Isn't that every child's birthright? Not the clothes, not the fancy house, but just the right to grow up loved, and free from harm? I know it is.

What's ironic about all of this is how lovely my family is being to me right now. I had a long, sobbing talk with my DH the other night about all of this. I told him the story of Sara, and how my dream of a daughter helped get me through my childhood. I talked about all the moments I feel I am losing by not getting to have a mother-daughter relationship with a child of mine. I told him how much I wish to hold my daughter's tiny hand and paint her nails for the first time, and put flowers in her hair. I told him how jealous I am of him, that he has got to have two perfect sons, both of whom share some of his interests, and how hard it is for me to know what to do when they all sit at the beach, digging in the sand together, when I don't like the outdoors much and hate getting my hands dirty. He told me gently that I do need to come dig in the dirt with them ("join the pack" is how he put it), and I know he is right. But IT HURTS.

So the next day we were playing outside in the backyard, and I was trying very hard to participate more. I stood with them as they all played soccer together (I meant to play too, but DS2 kept hogging the ball ). I helped DS2 collect rocks to put into a bucket with sand and water. Then we went for a ride around the yard on the ATV together (we all fit on it, for now). We went past some wildflowers and each of my sons picked me one and handed it to me. DH picked one and put it in my hair. I wept for quite some time.

...

I was in the middle of writing this post and my best friend/sister by choice from childhood called. I haven't mentioned her here, but she was another person who helped me survive, by being a true, loyal friend to me and showing me what real love looks like and feels like. She didn't know until later what was happening to me all those years, but she was still there helping me through every step of the way. She just called to tell me that she is pregnant with her first child. If it is a girl, she is going to name it after me, because she feels that I am "so strong to survive everything you went through, and I want her to be surrounded by your strength." The baby's name (very similar to my own, but not exactly the same), will mean "spiritual warrior."

I am truly humbled before God at this moment. Obviously my own plans mean nothing in front of the beauty he wishes to give me. If the child is a girl, she will be deeply loved and honored by me. I would honor and celebrate a boy as well.

[Kittybear]

Whatever happens serenity, I truly hope that one day your heart is whole, and you feel free and safe. Xxx

[Serenity]

Thank you, Kittybear. I really hope so too.