My story.

[Babygirlquest]

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[pink_bean]

I agree with babygirlquest, you are an amazing writer. I am so sorry for all you have suffered. But I would like to thank you for your honesty as I have felt similar feelings of anger about my own upbringing. Your post gave me a lot of clarity. I completely relate to feeling anger and jealousy towards people who either had a loving upbringing and/ or are able to have the mother/daughter relationship we missed out on.
I remember reading on another forum a thread were someone boasted about being raised by loving parents who was treated equally to her brother and how amazing is was that she could now do the same for her daughter. And how there was "nothing like raising a girl to be a confident woman." I was so angry after reading this, how some people just take for granted what others go though and will never experience. I don't know which made me angrier, her loving parents or the fact that she gets to repeat it with her own daughter.
I also married a gentle man and wished with all my heart to see him love, cherish and protect a daughter in the way that I was not. He does this for our boys but it's different because my brother was favored for being a boy, I have seen the father and son bond, I know boys are special to their fathers. I know girls are too but that was not my experience. although I am so glad to have my boys. One thing I realized is I need to seek therapy to help me deal with my issues and that this would be the case even if I had a daughter. I need to do this for the children that I do have, so they don't suffer because of it.

Sorry if I am rambling. I am just really grateful to hear someone articulate so well all my deeply internalized feelings. Wishing you all the best.

[ksmom]

Pinkbean, I can relate to what you're saying. My own father wanted nothing to do with me from the start. He told my mom he wanted her to miscarry and since I was very young, I've never felt an ounce of love from him. I still don't have a relationship with him and I never will because I don't think he deserves to see his grandsons, let alone even know about them. I always felt like he favored my brothers and never wanted me simply because I'm female. Even my father's parents never wanted to have a relationship with me and they made sure of that. Growing up I always wanted to find a man that would be the best possible dad to our children and that's what I did. I found him. Ever since we first got married, I kept envisioning my husband with our little girl and it just felt right. My husband is the kindest, gentlest, most sensitive man I've ever had the privilege of knowing. It always made my heart happy to picture him with a daughter but instead we're having our third boy. Fortunately my husband is open to going HT but I have no idea if we will actually end up going for it or not or if it will even work. Hope is all I have at this point.

[Serenity]

Babygirlquest, first of all, congratulations on your girls. My wish for you is that every time you are able to build strength and confidence into them, and every time you see the knowledge of their own beauty and worth reflected in their eyes, the child in you that did not get to have this heals a bit, more and more every time, and comes to find deep and lasting satisfaction in being able to give this gift to them, and to share in it.

I have thought about HT, but even if I could convince DH, I'm not sure it's the right choice for our family. My sons (especially my eldest) are very sensitive and intuitive, and uniquely tuned in to me. I know most parents are able to hide things from their kids, but I can't hide anything from mine. This might sound strange, but my kids, at least my eldest, would definitely know/figure out what was going on if I went the HT route. I believe that knowing that I would go to those lengths to have a girl would give my boys the message that they are not good enough as they are, and I'm not willing to do that. I also think that given our particular financial circumstances (we are doing reasonably well, but don't have a lot of extra put away), going HT would not be fair to them. It would mean a lot of unchosen financial sacrifice on their part, and this is my issue, not theirs. My oldest son recently asked me why I was drinking diet coke, and did it have something to do with wanting to have a girl baby. I had not ever mentioned wanting to have a girl before that; that is just how tuned in he is to people, and especially to me. (For the record, I told him that yes it did, that I already have two wonderful boys and thought it might be nice to have a girl, too, and that maybe I am being silly but some people think diet coke might help to make a bigger chance of having a girl so I thought I would try it out. I made sure to tell him that if we do have a baby, it could also be a boy, and that would be really great too).

Thank you for complimenting my writing. I have actually thought about working as writer somehow, but just haven't really got into it yet.

pinkbean, I'm so sorry that you are hurting too. I highly recommend therapy if you are struggling with similar issues to myself. I've been in therapy for a few years now, and although I'm obviously not fully healed, I credit therapy with allowing me to be a generally positive parent to my boys. I know that without it, all of my positive intentions about parenting them well would likely have been massively overshadowed by my pain. As it is, they sense the shadow of my pain close by, and that has some impact on them, but they never live in it, if that makes sense.

ksmom, I'm sorry you are having to experience GD all over again. I am preparing for this myself as well. The thing that is most helping me is remembering that my eldest is getting older more quickly than I would like, and will probably start bringing home girls for us to meet in the not too far off future. Until then, there is always my niece to buy clothes for, and more cute little nieces might well arrive soon, too. If I have three boys, I plan to dress them to the nines in the most awesome clothes we can afford, to give them all the skills they need to overcome and be successful in life, and to teach them how to be kind, respectful gentlemen so they will have no trouble eventually finding amazing wives. I'm also really curious about what kind of people sway opposites are: as a survivor and a fighter myself, I think I could find a lot of kinship with a baby that beat the odds in this way. There is actually a part of me that really likes the idea of three boys, because then you're the queen of the castle forever, and having three of a kind is very lucky in its own way...I keep having this vision of Katniss Everdeen surrounded by three strong, protective sons, crowing triumphantly. Obviously there is a personality based reason why I keep having boys, and it's this part of me that is totally, perfectly fine with more of them. I think that at that point I would have to put my foot down and make them take turns going shopping with me, though. I could always promise them ice cream.

So there's another reason not to go HT...part of me is really interested in meeting baby Alexander, if that's who's coming. DS2 wants to have a little brother, and has already named him this.

I think that there is more than one way to resolve these kinds of issues. One way is to have your girl and give her everything you didn't get. Maybe another way is to allow that terrified, hurt, hungry part of you to accept and bond with the healthy, kind males in your life. I know that this part of me doesn't trust men, but that is slowly changing over time. Just as Babygirlquest will heal a bit every time her daughters receive the gift of security and confidence from her and her DH, maybe I could heal a bit every time I see and experience the inherent kindness of my husband and sons. Perhaps by taking the risk of fully opening my heart to these boys and this man, I will come to understand that my father is not the norm, and that I really am safe and free now. If it is actually possible to have a healthy relationship with a male human being, that in itself would probably be more healing for me than anything else I can imagine.

I'll always remember the time we took DS1 to the fair, and there was a petting zoo there. In the corner of the petting zoo was a lady with baby bunnies that the kids could pet and hold. DS1 was three years old, and I wasn't sure that he should be allowed to pet the bunnies, because I didn't want him to be rough with them. He really wanted to, so I decided to give it a try, and just stand nearby. DS1 sat down in a little chair and the lady carefully passed him a baby bunny. I was completely on edge, ready to snatch the bunny out of his hands right away if he was rough with it. And do you know what happened? DS1 held that baby bunny more carefully than I've ever seen anyone hold anything before or since. He held it firmly enough so that it didn't jump out and hurt itself, even though it was scared and wanted to run away, and with indescribable gentleness. His beautiful, tiny hands were trembling from the effort of being kind to this scared little bunny. And just like that, something inside me healed. That's who he is, and he loves me.

I think that if I allow myself to look at and reach out to my family with open eyes and an open heart, they will heal me more every day. I think it's the bravest thing I could do, and I do think that I am ready to try to do it.

I think that scared, tortured, lonely little girl has not really missed her chance. I think she is still here inside me, wanting desperately to be loved, and at the same time desperately scared of being hurt or left again. I'm telling her to take a chance now, maybe she'll get lucky this time...maybe she already did, and she just hasn't fully realized it yet.

[Babygirlquest]

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[1+2+3boys]

Thanks for sharing your story. It was amazing to read. I really hope you continue to heal whatever happens

[Throwaway_panther]

I relate deeply to your post -- but interestingly, with a girl.

I had an identical childhood, and having kids period was what got me through it -- I worked with kids from a very early age because I so desperately wanted to care for kids in a way I wasn't cared for.

When I really started working through in therapy what my father did to me, shortly before I conceived, I had a very opposite reaction to you: I was terrified of having a girl. I was terrified of her experiencing anything I did, because being a woman is hard and is dangerous in my experience. I was desperate for a boy, someone not born inherently a victim, someone who could be raised to fight for what's right for women as an ally on the other side. Every misogynist comment online, every political attack against women, every publicized rape only grew more fear in me -- if I couldn't protect myself, how could I protect my daughter? And frankly, little boys have always loved me, and I wanted my own little boy to give me that love.

When I see moms with all boys, or even pigeon pairs, I'd get the similar bitterness. The envy. The asking of the universe, "Why me?"

My DH is also not a fan of swaying, and would be fine if we had a million girls, so I often feel my pursuit for a boy could destroy our marriage if I'm not careful

Overall, I just want to say I truly relate, despite having a girl. My feelings have changed dramatically since she was born, but I know myself: I won't ever feel complete until I have a son, too. You talking about finally feeling free really resonated with me, too -- I'm glad you're getting there, and I hope one day I get there too.

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[Serenity]

1+2+3 boys, thank you. My sense is that these issues will likely continue to be a part of me my entire life, but that they will indeed also continue to heal. I can't choose what happened to me as my brain and my sense of myself and the world was forming, but I can choose what I will do with that. There are so many ways to look at my situation; in one way, I feel I have been really lucky. I worked as a social worker in a psychiatric hospital for a while and was surprised to discover my compatriots there. For the first time, I heard some stories that were quite similar to my own. I have come to believe that many people who experience extreme things like I did end up in long-term mental health care. How lucky am I, then, to have an education, my own business, a nice place to live, and most of all, my sanity somehow generally intact? I do have ADHD and partial PTSD, and depression sometimes visits me a bit, but the people I met who had similar experiences to mine had all decided that life was too painful to endure, and had escaped into psychosis. I created a beautiful place in my mind to visit during trauma, but these people moved there permanently. I'm grateful for my ongoing connection to reality.

Throwaway_panther, I'm sorry to discover another one of my compatriots here. I'm very sorry for all you endured, and for everything you lost.

I can absolutely understand your perspective about having a girl, but I can also immediately see where you are mistaken, and the core beliefs that might be keeping you a bit stuck. You write: "someone not born inherently a victim" and "if I couldn't protect myself, how can I protect my daughter?"

You were not born inherently a victim. In fact, you had nothing at all to do with being victimized. That happened simply because just like sometimes people accidentally fall to their deaths, sometimes fathers abuse their kids. It's like getting struck by lightning. Sometimes bad things just happen. You were simply in the wrong place, with the wrong person, at the wrong time. You didn't choose it and you didn't have ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT, and it definitely didn't happen just because you were a girl. My dad abused all of my siblings, boys and girls, and many abusers do this. It happened because of him, not because of you. I was also revictimized later as a teenager, many times, and this happened to me so much because some jerks made bad choices, and because I had been taught by my struck by lightning father to get along with psychos, to expect attacks, and to submit to attackers. I learned to do this in order to survive, but when I used this life-preserving strategy out in the world, it made me into psycho bait...I had also been taught that I would never be safe, and so I walked around alone a lot and put myself in a lot of very unsafe situations, had no boundaries at all, and then just accepted and was unsurprised when bad things happened. I never learned the first thing about protecting myself. What happened was still on the assholes that took advantage of me, because seriously, WHO DOES THAT, and I couldn't have done anything else at the time because I didn't know how, but it really didn't have to go the way it went.

Which brings me to point two, your feeling that you cannot protect your daughter. You are so, so wrong about this! You're right that you can't ever be with her all the time, and you can't ever control the people around her. But first of all, you probably don't have to, because lightning doesn't often strike twice, YKWIM? She probably has a nice father...so confession time, it's taken a long time for all the parts of myself to believe that my DH is not secretly hurting my kids. It's my worst fear. He seems to be a wonderful father, they look up to and trust their dad in the loveliest of ways, they show no signs of being abused, but part of me just always assumes that it never ended, that one day I'll find out that this life, too, is all a lie. That I will find out that just like my mom, I, too, failed to protect my kids, and that my heart will break all over again, just as it shattered when I couldn't protect myself or my dearly loved siblings when we were young. So I left my phone at home a few times when I went to work, with a background voice recorder running, and taped what happened. I had to, just to feel secure in my house. I was terrified to listen to that recording, seriously, shaking all over. And guess what happened? I heard my DH caring gently and kindly for my kids. I heard my youngest, DS2, saying, with a voice full of pure love, "Daddy!" and my DH saying lovingly back, "Mr. Boo!" (his nickname). I heard my DH being his usual kind, wonderful, goofball self. I heard DS1 fighting with his dad because he wanted to play a video game that he wasn't allowed to. I would never, ever fight with my dad, especially when we were alone - it wouldn't make sense to provoke him like that.

I'm slowly starting to believe that I actually made it, and that this is a different life. And with that comes a lot of efforts to protect my kids. Here's what I've done so far: I've read them age-appropriate books teaching them about their anatomy and about sexual abuse, so they have the language to tell if anything ever happens to them. I've taught them through my words and my actions that their birthright is to be safe and loved, and to stay far away from anything or anyone that doesn't make them feel that way. I've built relationships with them that are full of trust and closeness, so they can tell me about anything that worries or scares them. I've been very clear with them that they come first with me, and that I'll always protect them from anything. And most importantly: I refuse to believe that I should ever, for one second, accept any of this kind of treatment directed at myself or my children again. I am ready to fight for my kids. No one is allowed to harm them. Not ever. I've stood up (kindly and respectfully) to DS1's teachers when they don't understand him, and I'll stand up to anyone or anything that ever even remotely threatens their well being in any way. I pity the fool who tries to go up against my little angels...I'll be there right away to send him or her packing. I find deep, immense satisfaction in standing up for my little guys. I can't stop someone from attacking my little ones, but I sure as hell can teach them to avoid psychos, and if they do get hurt, I can find out right away and stop it from going on and on. I can be the protector I never had. If you come to really understand and believe that what happened to you wasn't your fault, and you also come to understand the difference between now and then: then, of course you couldn't protect yourself or anyone else, but now, you're big and strong, you have a phone, you know about the police, if you're me then you have pepper spray and spiky key rings in your purse in case things ever do go sideways again, you have a strong relationship with your kid - EVERYTHING is really different now, and you can keep making it different every day. Besides, not everyone gets raped, you know. Apparently most people don't.

I figure that if I do have a daughter, and she does get raped sometime, it'll hurt like hell, but it's a pain I already know how to endure, and a pain I know how to help her heal from. And even if that piece of her story is the same as mine, the rest of it sure won't be. Imagine how your story would have been different if you had had someone in it who was completely determined, and able, to do everything in their power to love and protect you. No matter what happens, that's still a completely different story, isn't it? You just have to make sure that you're as healthy and healed as possible, and OK with fully facing your own pain again if you have to in order to keep her safe or help her through something. If you can do that, then you'll definitely always be able to protect your daughter.

[Throwaway_panther]

Thank you Serenity ♡ I have more to say when I have a chance, but truly thank you. And knowing someone like you is out there raising boys into men really warms my heart.

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[1+2+3boys]

I apologise in advance for not having time to proof read which I need to do to all bits of long writing to make them make sense! I'll do it later as I have to go now:

ADD sure makes us obsess over things more. I have it and it makes life harder which intensified my longing for a daughter many a time. Depression also runs in my family and I really have to look after myself or I feeling it coming back and I know I have to get back on track so it doesn't take me over.
Part of my longing for a daughter was to create my own Mother-Daughter relationship that was better than mine with my own Mother. I think the whole inner child thing is very real and will always be there in our mind. And of coarse for us as Women it is a little girl who we want to protect. I worked through alot of my issues through counciling and it helped so much. I now know that having a daughter would have made some things better but would not have fixed everything. My issues with my Mum are nothing compared to what you went through though. I also think GD can mask other things that are wrong. After I figured all that out and the going through the other reasons for wanting a daughter I found none of it mattered anymore and I still couldn't let go of wanting a girl, like it was an un-explainable desire of my heart.
But then I went through a really hard time in my life and coming out the other side I think I was lucky because all in all I think it healed my GD.

There is a housing shortage where I live right now and almost 10 months ago we had to move rental properties. We had three months to move but we couldn't find anywhere. I seriously thought we would end up homeless or having to move to a different town and leave our whole lives behind. I had never been so depressed in my whole life and everything as too much, especially being a parent. In the end we got somewhere on our very last day left and only by paying so much more than what we were. I couldn't shake all those feeling after we got into our new house for quite some time as I was quite traumatised. I realised though that the whole time I had not being thinking of 'my daughter'. There were other things that were so much more important at the momment in time and combine it with how much of a hard out attachment parent I have been plus doing it with three highly spirited boy including the younger being twins I needed some time for me. I mean serious time for a long time to make up for it all and to be me and not just a parent. I was upset over not having a daughter as much as any Woman on this site and reading what I am about to write as if it were written by someone else whilst I was in the midst of my worst GD I'd have thought "She can't have wanted a daughter all that much. Anyway I don't want any more children. I didn't before but I was willing to have one more if it meant I could get my daughter. Well now if magic were real and I could garantee getting pregnant with a daughter I still wouldn't do it.
Perhaps I will change my mind again one day if HT becomes available in Australia and money is more plentiful but if that's not the case I'm pretty sure I'll be O.K.

btw, how do you write so eloquantly with ADD!? Things sound amazing in my head but when it comes to getting the words down they get all scrambled or I forget.