Not pregnant -- ME?

[Throwaway_panther]

I really believed I'd get my boy through swaying. I even had my hypothetical sway post planned out.

I'm heartbroken we have to go HT at all. I'll never be able to get the joy or hope from a positive test. My ability to get pregnant so easily is apparently a complete waste. Even sex has become just a constant reminder of loss. I even bargained with the universe that I'd have been fine with a girl in this last pregnancy. I'm so tired of all of this grief.

Since we will be using condoms from now on as we wait for my third IVF consult at the end of the month, I'm throwing in the towel for HE. Which makes me sad. Who knew the cure to my lifelong disordered eating was my desire for a boy? But I've read keto and even a 5% decrease in bodyweight has great results for IVF success, so I'll revert to what I do best: dieting. I can already feel the familiar whisper of my ED as I plan out my meals everyday. But what else can I do? I underate the last two days just out of depression, and I slip so easily back into it I almost laugh.

Now set in the fears that I won't even get my boy through HT...

[MiaMelb]

TP your journey has been such a rollercoaster to follow, I can not imagine how difficult it must have been to live at times.
I am sorry the swaying part of your journey is over and wish you the best of luck as you move onto ivf. I will miss having you as the fountain on knowledge in the blue swaying world.
I hope your sticky (blue) bean is not too far off and dare I hope to perhaps be in a due date group with you in the not too distant future.
On a side note I hope you are able to stay healthy and happy with your eating. I have not always been the healthiest with my eating habits but I am becoming very aware of what I can teach my daughters in terms of both good/bad relationships with food and their bodies.
Hugs to you.

[atomic sagebrush]

Just keep in mind, Panther, that too low in weight and too few carbs is also not good. I don't want you to slip back into disordered eating here because that's not going to help anything at all.

[atomic sagebrush]

Agh i never caught up to this thread since it had so many responses - I'm sorry it didn't work out this time but I have high hopes for IVF. ((((hugs)))))

[nicoler]

Just keep in mind, Panther, that too low in weight and too few carbs is also not good. I don't want you to slip back into disordered eating here because that's not going to help anything at all.

THIS!

If you already have a normal BMI you do not need to lose weight for HT. Don't over think it and go crazy planning perfect meals or calorie/carb/protein counting. Just eat a normal sensible diet, fruits, vegetables etc. and don't be afraid to indulge in the odd treat from time to time! It truly won't make or break things.

[4blue2pink]

devastated to see this TP it has been such a long and heartbreaking journey for you, i still truly hope to see a post from you announcing your healthy baby boy
ivf is not the end of the road it is a new route towards your end destination of a healthy baby boy, wishing you all the strength, luck and happiness there is as you start on this new path and i would love to see updates from you if you still want to post them xx

[Erin514]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this TP. When I first found this site you were still pregnant with your daughter and I remember many of your posts. You've gone through so much to try to get your son. I really hope that HT works out for you and that one day you'll have your son in your arms and be able to look back on this as a dark time in your life that's behind you.

[Pbn3]

Subbing in [emoji173]

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[Throwaway_panther]

Thought I'd update just to vent I guess.

We just had a spectacularly unsuccessful cycle of IVF. We have only 2 blastocytes to check, and after a discussion with the embryologist, it's looking like official our losses have been because of a male factor. My eggs looked great, all 9 that were mature fertilized (out of 16 eggs, but we think the drop off there was because they barely stimmed me!) and were great until Day 3. Then after that they started to drop off, which is often a sperm issue.

His sperm count in the sample was apparently only 2.9 million. If ICSI wasn't already the standard, they would have been doing it for sure. But even then, ICSI is just literally picking out what looks the best and has okay heads and tails. If you've followed my story, you might remember his semen analysis (that I pushed for) in October was already wonky -- unexpectdly abnormal and low normal numbers. Total count then was 23.9 million. So despite supplements, less caffeine and alcohol, and his continued healthiness, his numbers have only dropped.

Next step would be to investigate sperm DNA fragmentation, a possible varicocele, etc. Husband is refusing to listen to any of this. He refuses to acknowledge this is the issue and says it's me "just pushing for an answer." But we got the answer :/

I don't know what to do. If there's any semblance of something in the universe that takes pity on me, I hope those blastocytes are normal, and I really hope they're boys. But I'm not holding my breath for either. I can't allow myself to feel any hope, not after how I've been chewed up these last several years.

Thanks for reading.

[atomic sagebrush]

What is he taking?

Some of the stuff on the market is worse than nothing. I am super concerned about a drop off from 24 million to 3 million because that, to me, indicates something serious has changed between then and now. We need to get to the bottom of why this is and the first thing I'm suspicious of since many of the fertility supps have actually harmful things in them.

I have literally NEVER heard any embryologist worth their salt tell anyone the reason why their IVF did not succeed. They can't tell if an egg is good based on looking at it (if they could they'd just discard the bad eggs right at the start!) The fact is they do not know why these things happen and they should be and usually do investigate every possible angle because there is always room for improvement in other ways too - protocol, etc. I am feeling very very wary of a rush to judgement about why this has happened because I want you in with your best chances and deciding that it's this thing or that thing when they really don't know why.

Hugest hugs and please don't hesitate to get back to me about the supps, because something has changed and we need to know what it is.