Am I an awful person??

[rachel]

i understand totally what you feel you went through a great loss i know i love my boy and when i get snardy comments like maybe next time u will get a girl i pretend i dont mind when it really hurts my dh does not understand this at all......

[Tiggerian]

You are NOT an awful person..!

I lost my DD 7 years ago and it was awful... By mistake they put me on the post-natal ward after misreading my notes and I was put into a room to a mum who had had the most beautiful baby girl. Seeing her sat there cooing over her, her husband beaming proudly and their visitors marvelling and exclaiming loudly "Has a more beautiful baby girl ever been born!?" I sat there.. in my own little cubicle, and just wanted to disappear.. It became even worst when the very kindly meaning new-grandmother asked where my baby was and I had to explain that my daughter had died.. I was moved, thankfully, not long after that when the nurses realised the mistake, but God.. it was torture! To this day it pains me!

6 months later my brother had a daughter! And then 10 days after my daughters first anniversary my sister had a daughter! At this point I genuinely believed the universe was out to get me!..

Most people "assumed" that after a few months I'd be "over it". I could always have more kids, couldn't I? And maybe it really was for the best as she had a chromosomal defect. But for me, I will never get over it. I didn't care that she had a defect, she was perfect to me! I loved her for everything she wasn't - she wasn't perfectly healthy, but that didn;t mean she wasn't perfect! People just didn't understand...

My sister was deeply offended when I couldn't bear to hold her daughter... When I couldn't pronounce proudly that yes she was indeed the most beautiful baby girl ever born, because to me - that will always be my Lily! She didn't understand... In the midst of my family's joy, my sorrow seem minuscule - but to me, it was maximised by seeing the joy, the love and the pride. My daughter should have been the first granddaughter, instead she went into oblivion - never mentioned, never known. We do not speak of it...

It still pricks when I hear friends or family exclaim "IT'S A GIRL!". I want it SO bad, but part of me feels I can never had it. I lost my chance... the only daughter I was ever to have was gone before I even got to have her and that is heartbreaking. I don't dare to hope the next one will be a girl - everyone tells me it won't! So I fear that hoping will mean I will crash and burn if I hear "boy". But in the end, we don't know what's coming next!

Maybe, in 2 years time both of us will sit with a beautiful baby girl on our knees, laughing at the silliness of our despair. And although the pain and grief of loosing our first born daughters will never go away, each child you have and bear will mend your heart just a little bit more..!

The birth of my sons gave me back my heart, my life and my happiness. I never thought I'd feel the way I did when I was handed DS1. Like all the clouds and storms disappeared and the sun finally came through for me. It was painful, watching him do all that Lily was suppose to have done before him, but never got the chance to do, but my God, it was also affirmation that all isn't lost.

Life will return back to a sense of normality. You will cry, for many years, but in the end the pain becomes less acute - although always incorporated in your life. It becomes part of you, because in the end, your daughter may be gone - but she will always be a part of you and she's only ever lost if you allow her to be. I know that isn't a comfort right now... there are many stages you will need to go through, but you will make it. You will survive it. And one day, you will sit in that delivery suit, with you daughter in your arms, and think "I made it..!"

[Mrs_P]

What sad sad story, tears are ********* down my face and my heart aches for you as i read this. A pain no mother should ever have to bear. I always thought it was harder for those moms who have had the dream but had it taken from them but this just puts things into a whole new perspective. I truely hope that you both get your little girls, i know this will never replace what you have lost (you will grieve this for the rest of your life) but it will hopefully heal that hole in your heart a little. I feel really ashamed for my selfish longing when there are mom like you both out there who are truely deserving of a second chance or their dd xxxxx

[rachel]

how sad your stories are you both have amazing courage...... very sorry for your losses

[Praying4Pink]

Very sad for both of you lovely ladies. I can't say I understand but please know that you CAN be blessed with DD's. My SIL lost her baby girl at 6 months. She had a NT defect and it didn't close properly. She had to deliver and then have a service for her. She lost her first DD after 3 sons. Well by the grace of God she did become pregnant again with another DD. She is a healthy girl with TONS of attitude, lol. All that to say that I do believe that you ladies WILL have your daughters just because it is simply an injustice if not. Lots of Love and Hugs to you both!!!

[fish2012]

Ladies I'm crying too! You are both amazing and strong women!

No you are not a horrible person I hope both of you are blessed with your dream babies xx