Losing hope :(

[1moregirl]

I totally agree with you PinkBean and no, I didn't think you had previously implied that I was ungrateful...but sometimes I think I myself sound ungrateful and might do so to others as well.

[Dreamsister]

1moregirl I have been in exact same situation. The last 3 years I have had baby fever and trying to persuade DH to comit to a 4th child (we have 3 boys aged 5, 8 and 9). We have discussed it over and over again a million times. He thinks 3 is enough. He think it will destroy the harmony we have in our family. He is happy for the place we have come to finally after many hard years of baby-work where we can do a lot of things with our boys, we have more freedom and he don't want us to move back to square one. I am 40, he is 38 and he thinks we have become too old to start over again with a baby in the house. Plus he thinks there is too little time for the 3 darlings he already have. And then there is the financial aspect: bigger car, more expenses.... Long story short: DH is totally right, from a rational point of view I should just accept and enjoy my family as it is, but aghhhhh I just can't take away the baby craving. So after 3 years of discussing the issue back and forth DH have finally said ok to another baby. He totally do it for me and because I have promised him that I will take care of it and not complaint when I am tired after sleepless nights and I have promised him that the baby will not come between us. I am so gratefull. It is the biggest gift ever. I am also aware of the huge responsible by bringing a new member into our family. I think he thinks that I am selfish because it is MY dream - not his. But I can't help it. Just hope I am doing the right thing - for all of us.

So I just want to say to you don't give up. Keep discussing your baby dream with your husband. Don't get mad at him. Show him your love. Try to see it from his perspective and assure him that everything will be ok, that he should not worry and nothing will be taken away from him by adding a new member to the family. Cross my finger that you will be able to convince him.


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[atomic sagebrush]

One of these days I'll be in a bad mood and come back and share my "cautionary tale" - which is even when it's agreed to at the start there is nothing preventing men from either changing their minds, or making your life so difficult that you change your own mind even when it isn't always in your own self-interest. I will just say again - look out for number one, because you can't count on anyone to do that for you. :/

[Dreamsister]

Just want to add that I think men are totally right to say no to having more kids if they already have 3 or 4.


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[adnilleinad]

I will agree with pink bean. I might come from a different society, perhaps bit more gender equal, where men actually do take (almost) 50 % of the work with the kids.. I think having a child is not just a compromise that is a huge commitment for life. And he did have 3. That Said, who am I to say 3 is alot. Everyone have their own preference and desire. I'm really sorry you struggeling with the clock here, and that you dont share the same dream. My DH would have been fine with just 2, but happy with a 3rd too. he did support HT for a girl. I'm very greatful. Now, i would not have wanted a 4th, but f I would have, he would NEVER Agreed. Sorry and good luck, accepting or getting him to change his mind.

[1moregirl]

This post is a bit dated now but, as Atomic knows, I have since posted a new thread somewhere stating how my DH has agreed to one last try. It's not ideal, but to me it's better than nothing and I won't look a gift horse in the mouse, so to speak. If I have the courage plucked up, we will be trying this next cycle. I am due for AF in a few days time. We will just Bd every 3 days and do our one attempt when I get a positive OPK. I will then pray like crazy and leave the rest in God's hands.

[atomic sagebrush]

Just want to add that I think men are totally right to say no to having more kids if they already have 3 or 4.


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Why?

[Dreamsister]

Because I think it is okey to 'deny' your partner more children if you already have 3 or 4 together. I think that some woman can be really persuading. On the other hand I sometimes feel sorry for the woman that openly has a desire for more than two children but the husband won't let them. I have a friend who's husband only wants one child and the women has luckely accepted that although I know she is secretly suffering and wanting more. I think the number of children can be an issue and fight for many couples. Sorry for my bad english.

[atomic sagebrush]

I will agree with pink bean. I might come from a different society, perhaps bit more gender equal, where men actually do take (almost) 50 % of the work with the kids.. I think having a child is not just a compromise that is a huge commitment for life. And he did have 3. That Said, who am I to say 3 is alot. Everyone have their own preference and desire. I'm really sorry you struggeling with the clock here, and that you dont share the same dream. My DH would have been fine with just 2, but happy with a 3rd too. he did support HT for a girl. I'm very greatful. Now, i would not have wanted a 4th, but f I would have, he would NEVER Agreed. Sorry and good luck, accepting or getting him to change his mind.

Well, let's not start bringing people's cultures or societies into it, ok?? It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Things start to look different once you get to a "certain age". Take this for whatever it's worth, I know that all middle aged women seem unhinged and faintly hysterical when they try to warn younger women about stuff, kinda like Bruce Willis in "12 Monkeys". I come from the future, I"m trying to help you. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassandra_%28metaphor%29

It is just a biological reality that women's fertility is limited by time and men's isn't. Men can and do get bored with their marriages and start up again with a new family and it happens every day. They may try to dress it up in glowing romanticized terms or blame their wives' postpartum weight gain, but it's boredom. It is a huge commitment for life, true, but one that men can walk away from at any point and simply write a check thereafter, and studies have shown their quality of life goes up afterwards while their ex-wife and childrens', declines. If it doesn't happen to you (and I don't mean you personally, I mean just any female individual), that is because you're lucky, not because you're better or wiser than any of the poor women it DID happen to. Women who do everything right, married to the nicest guys in the world just wake up one morning and find a text on a phone that turns their worlds upside down.

A LOT of us ladies are in situations where we postponed families for our husbands' careers or schooling or because they made bad financial or personal decisions or because men "just don't want to settle" down till they're 40 or whatever. Their decisions affect us HUGELY and we go along with it because we're young and dumb and eager to please. They absolutely change their minds about the life plan all the time, changing the terms of the agreement we thought we had made, taking different jobs that we may not want them to or wanting to move to a different house or buy a boat instead of going to Disneyland, etc etc etc and their choices impact our lives just as much as the decision to have a child might affect them.

These decisions that husband/partner makes and made, even years ago, may mean we don't end up with the family that we wanted or the son/daughter that we wanted or the security and lifestyle that we wanted for raising our kids in. It may mean we can't enjoy raising our child(ren) as much as we wanted to, because of their choices. It is a lose-lose for us on every front because first we were good girls, so understanding, and let our men set the pace, and then when we are supposed to get what we want, they won't go along with it. We may change our minds and decide we want 4 instead of 3. And that is ok. Women should have the right to change their minds as we get older and have more experience and self-awareness about what is really important to us. Maybe we missed out on some stuff and want another chance to experience it again. The decision to have more children has no more an impact than a decision that a husband makes to switch to a different job, or return to school, or any number of things that men decide that have an effect on our long term lives. I just do not see the sense in we women sacrificing for men again and again and then them giving up on the families that we want to have and not even being willing to negotiate on that. It isn't fair.

WE are the bad guys if we aren't totally supportive of their choices with careers and schooling early on, and STILL the bad guy 10-20 years later if we want another baby. They say no, no, no, and then in 3 years they shack up with the secretary and have 2 more kids and we move on to the "Lean Cuisine in front of the TV stage of life" In the meantime men certainly do seem to be able to have just about everything their own way and we play the role of bad guy in everything no matter the stage of life.

"Insane unsupportive woman who doesn't want to live on food stamps and wants husband to slave away at unfulfilling job when he'd rather be skydiving"

"Insane unsupportive woman who wants ANOTHER kid, she already has 3 for Christ's sake, it is cutting in on my skydiving"

"Insane unsupportive ex-wife who is so all consumingly bitter and jealous of this beautiful love that I have found with Felicia the Fake-breasted skydiving instructor"

Look out for number one, ladies. Because while I'm painting with broad brushstrokes here for the sake of humor, it does kinda go down like that for a lot of very nice women who thought they'd done everything right. :/

[atomic sagebrush]

Because I think it is okey to 'deny' your partner more children if you already have 3 or 4 together. I think that some woman can be really persuading. On the other hand I sometimes feel sorry for the woman that openly has a desire for more than two children but the husband won't let them. I have a friend who's husband only wants one child and the women has luckely accepted that although I know she is secretly suffering and wanting more. I think the number of children can be an issue and fight for many couples. Sorry for my bad english.

Would you want her husband to be suffering at a job he hated for the rest of his whole life though?? And at least, he could hope that his job got better and the door wouldn't be closed FOREVER for him the way it can be for us. I just think the expectation is women are expected to "get over it" and (many) men act like it's some huge deal if they're not totally fulfilled every second of every day. Total double standard IMO

There are definitely some women who ride the baby train too long but at the same time I just see this difference in expectations between men and women where women are the compromisers on pretty much EVERYthing.