Hoping and praying for a boy, find out tomorrow at elective U/S!

[cheriex333]

Thanks atomic and nutinbutpink for your words of support and encouragement. I hope this will pass and am resolved to loving this baby. A part of me blames DH because we were swaying blue yet he kept drinking alcohol which sways pink.
I haven't told him this because he'll feel upset and nothing good can come from it.

DH has said he only ever wanted one kid and due to our ages (40s and 30s) as well as finances.

[Boyzmommy]

Cheriex i can understand how you feel. But please dont beat urself up with gender disappointment.
As a mom when you ll have that little girl in ur arms you ll feel guilty of feeling this way. I have all boys and have longed for a daughter so long. Daughters are so special. I have a great bond with my mom.
And trust me you dont have to have experience to raise a specific gender.
Babies r babies for their mom when they r born. You ll know what to do for sure. Hormones in preg plays a role in putting our emotions too strong. That is so common. I went through same situation n i was depressed but now love my sons more than anything n wont change them for a world.
These feeling will go away dont worry. Relax.
May b in future finances r better and u can have one more and tht could b ur boy.
40 and 30 is not old. I m 34 and hubby is 44


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[cheriex333]

Is it possible the boy parts hadn't dropped yet? 14w

[Boyzmommy]

I doubt that. As usually if its a boy at 14 weeks. They should see something dangling


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[cheriex333]

I realize now the real issue is that don't want a girl.

That revelation was SO hard to admit because it's taboo and foul and just plain wrong. But I have to acknowledge it before I can deal with it. I don't want a girl because I had a hard childhood body image issues, A strained and tense relationship with my mom. I don't want a daddy's girl who will manipulate and eat up all of my husbands attention. I've seen daddy/daughters bond and the mom is usually left out. I don't want to feel jealous of my husbands bond with his daughter and watch her bloom as I start aging and growing old and wrinkly. I also don't want to deal w teenage girls and their sassy hormones.

I am ashamed that I feel this way and I know deep down its wrong. But when I think of a future with a daughter I break into tears and anxiety.
I know this was awful to hear and I know I probably have a few loose screws.
I am going to seek professional help tomorrow. Called out of work today because I am still debilitated by the pain and anger of GD just needed to put it to words.

[oceancitymom]

I'm so sorry Cherie. I had some dark moments when I found out my first was a boy. I still remember my mom stopping over unexpectedly and finding me curled up on the couch sobbing a few weeks after my gender reveal ultrasound. I just did not want a boy - didn't want to be a mom to a son; only a daughter. I feel horrible even now, 6 years later, typing that, especially now that I have my precious firstborn and he is the most wonderful child anyone could ask for. I had in my mind what parenting would be like...decorating a pink room, going for mani/pedis together, planning a wedding, etc. etc. etc. I really, really suffered. I remember being pretty subdued even at my beautiful baby shower - everyone was oohing and ahhing over the cute boy clothes I was opening up except for me. My mother actually said to me, "Are you even excited about this baby?" The truth was, I wasn't, not really.

All of that changed the moment my son was born. I remember clearly feeling a deep relief that I was immediately overwhelmed by love and wonder at the sight of him. Even now I love to look back at those hospital pictures of me cradling him - so tiny and perfect and MINE! That maternal thing smashed me like a truck! The same thing happened with DS2. I was disappointed when I found out he wasn't my longed-for daughter, but I wasn't devastated, not like the first time. I was on cloud 9 after he was born. I don't even understand GD. Sometimes I'm sitting around watching my boys laugh and play and love on me and I think, dear God, I am so lucky, look at my perfect family. Why can't I let this desire for a daughter go? I just don't know.

I think you will be okay when you have your little girl in your arms. And not all girls are like how you described. I was never a daddy's girl - I went to boarding school and was so homesick that I called my mom twice and three times a day, and when my dad would answer, we would speak for about 13 seconds, and then he'd say, "Okay, here's your mother." It wasn't until I was an adult that we became close. And even now, I call my mom every day...usually twice a day. And I'll also add that my dad always puts my mom first, no matter what. I know he loves me, but Mom is #1.

I'll be thinking about you. I understand you. You're not a bad person and you can't help how you feel. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and congratulations on your baby girl. You KNOW so many of us here wished they heard GIRL at their ultrasounds!!!! xoxoxo

[cheriex333]

Thank you so much for this oceancity on, your post made me cry. It gives me hope to hear others who had extreme GD and got over it. I am not going to lie the thought of raising a daughter still frightens me but I hope my anger and sadness will disappear when I meet my baby.

[Hopefaithson]

I always thought my first would be a boy (I'm not sure why, I don't have GD) but I'm so glad she is a SHE! She is the best thing that has ever happened to me Wait until you meet this baby. She is the one you were meant to have!

[Beau82]

I hope you're feeling better! I just wanted to say that while I was always close to my father, I was/am also extremely close to my mom. I can honestly say she is my best friend. Even through my teen years, I loved to just sit and talk to her. It may be scary right now, but try to enjoy growing that little life inside of you. What helped ease the gd with my fourth son was looking at nursery decorations online and going shopping. You'll know exactly what to do when she's here

[Throwaway_panther]

I realize now the real issue is that don't want a girl.

That revelation was SO hard to admit because it's taboo and foul and just plain wrong. But I have to acknowledge it before I can deal with it. I don't want a girl because I had a hard childhood body image issues, A strained and tense relationship with my mom. I don't want a daddy's girl who will manipulate and eat up all of my husbands attention. I've seen daddy/daughters bond and the mom is usually left out. I don't want to feel jealous of my husbands bond with his daughter and watch her bloom as I start aging and growing old and wrinkly. I also don't want to deal w teenage girls and their sassy hormones.

I am ashamed that I feel this way and I know deep down its wrong. But when I think of a future with a daughter I break into tears and anxiety.
I know this was awful to hear and I know I probably have a few loose screws.
I am going to seek professional help tomorrow. Called out of work today because I am still debilitated by the pain and anger of GD just needed to put it to words.

I know this post is several weeks old, but I hope you are having success with talking to a professional.

We were going through the same feelings, about the same gender, for sort of similar reasons at the same time (and I found here after being in the very dark part of InGender, because I was thinking very, very dark thoughts about finding out my first was a girl).

One key thing that's helped me sort of get through my GD that I noticed in you is: projecting ourselves onto our future daughters. I had a very bad childhood in an abusive household, which led to a lot of very bad issues with "father/daughter dynamics" (sexual and physical abuse) and a completely ignorance over healthy mother/daughter dynamics, too, as a result. I was petrified of having a daughter -- I was so depressed that my husband was sending my flowers at work (which he never does) because he was so at a loss as to how to help me.

All I could keep thinking throughout this pregnancy was, "How can I raise a girl? She'll be born into a world where THESE things happened to me; where no one liked me, so how will they like her?"

Well, 1.) People liked me -- just my parents didn't. 2.) She can benefit from my horrible experiences in that I (and my husband) will be more aware of what can happen and will try to empower and protect her.

Ultimately: Your casting aspersions to your daughter who's not even here yet. Not all girls are girly girls. Not all father/daughter dynamics are "the daughter eating up the attention from the dad"/seeing her grow as you grow old -- in fact, that right there is clearly an issue of your jealousies and insecurities. That's no shade to you, but an acknowledgment of, "We have these things we're projecting onto FETUSES -- time to figure out why!" And, as many women on here desiring boys can attest, mom/daughter dynamics are actually pretty yearned for -- you can GET this that you never had by forming and shaping it with your daughter. And the "sassy hormones" is a stereotype -- did you have that as a teen? Just because you did doesn't mean your daughter will. And I can tell you -- I was definitely not a "sassy" hormonal teen! Everybody's different!

And because everybody's different, YOUR daughter will not necessarily be this feared image in your head -- whether it's an image of yourself growing up, or an image of someone else you know. She'll be her, and with the guidance and love you yourself didn't necessarily receive, you can help create a young girl without these issues.