The return of GD and now with it's BFF, jealousy

[amo]

I admit this is the one thing that still bothers me to this very day. Literally everyone I know IRL who is having kids right now, has gotten a BG or GB just like that, didn't try, didn't care and then I'm sitting here with 4 boys over 20 years and had to do all this work and effort to get one measly girl when I'm too old to enjoy her whole life the way I want to. haha joke's on me, right??

I know your girl was worth all your time and effort and I'm sure you will get to enjoy her life exactly like you want to.

[pink_bean]

I understand. My husband has a huge extended family here. He has a cousin who had a boy with his girlfirend a few months after we had our first. We spent time with them once when our boys were little and I was completely turned off by how smug and competitive she was then. Well, about a year after ds2 was born she announced she was having a little girl. Hurt like hell plus the family made a big deal about it of course. She even invited me to the baby shower but never invited to me to anything else. We didn't go. My only consolation was that her husband wanted another boy and was bummed after the big u/s (hubby told me) also the rest of the family talks about how poorly behaved their son is and how good our kids are...I can't imagine the smugness I will have to endure if I ever allow myself to be around her.

[amo]

Oh god yeah this SIL is super smug & competitive too, because my second & her first are so close in age both myself & my husband who usually tells me I'm exaggerating or imagining things (I am quite a paranoid person) we've both noticed how much they've pushed their baby to do everything first and if ours could do something theirs couldn't they'd push & push him until he could. They even weaned him early which I was like really?? I put off weaning for as long as I could get away with!! It's just ridiculous. Well I guess she'll be happy knowing she's got this one on me for the rest of our goddamn lives!!!

[amo]

And I'm sure I will be invited to the pretty pink girly baby shower she'll just have to have eveh though it's her second baby. Ffs. Can I just not go?!?! Lol.

[trifecta]

Oh god yeah this SIL is super smug & competitive too, because my second & her first are so close in age both myself & my husband who usually tells me I'm exaggerating or imagining things (I am quite a paranoid person) we've both noticed how much they've pushed their baby to do everything first and if ours could do something theirs couldn't they'd push & push him until he could. They even weaned him early which I was like really?? I put off weaning for as long as I could get away with!! It's just ridiculous. Well I guess she'll be happy knowing she's got this one on me for the rest of our goddamn lives!!!

This is something that will almost certainly mellow as your kids get older. Some parents will always be more competitive than others but in the early years parents seem to have this biologically-driven need to believe their kids are the fittest specimens for survival. It's an awful part of the first years of parenting but as kids grow into being their own people parents are usually able to separate their own egos from parenting a little better. I see and feel much less of this now that my kids are bigger. When your kids are five neither of you is going to be worried about who walked first and although there is still some opportunity for competition when it comes to sports or academics kids often have such completely different interests and talents that direct comparison is no longer so simple.

[Kawazza]

Hi Amo, Thanks for your post, I understand what your feeling as I'm feeling the exact same way. I had GD with my first son. I'm now pregnant with my second son (failed sway) and was dealing with it...then my cousin announced they were pregnant 2 days ago. I've got anxiety about whether they will have a girl, she is also someone who has/will say insensitive comments. Also our family are waiting for a girl announcement after 6 boys in a row so I'm feeling like I failed. I'm feeling pretty bad about feeling jealous. I keep thinking 'I don't want their girl, I want my girl' and that makes me feel better. So I understand

[amo]

Hi Kawazza. Well you are definitely in great company here, i can't tell you how much support and understanding I have received from the ladies on this site. It makes such a difference to know someone feels the same as you and everyone on here understands, especially me! As you read my second pregnancy was filled with anxiety about what my SIL was having. And when I recently found out her second is a girl I did not deal with it well at all, I was enraged with jealousy and thinking some pretty awful things.
Know whatever you're feeling I have probably felt too. My husband's family are over the moon my SIL is expecting a girl and I feel like a failure too. But we're not, we have beautiful boys who we have to raise into gentle loving men, it's a responsibility for only the best of us so embrace it. And you never know, you may go on to have a little girl of your very own one day.

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[Throwaway_panther]

I admit this is the one thing that still bothers me to this very day. Literally everyone I know IRL who is having kids right now, has gotten a BG or GB just like that, didn't try, didn't care and then I'm sitting here with 4 boys over 20 years and had to do all this work and effort to get one measly girl when I'm too old to enjoy her whole life the way I want to. haha joke's on me, right??

I'm sorry atomic -- you are VERY likely to enjoy her whole life though, truly! While it helps to hear your feelings on this, I feel so much for you too. You've done and continue to do so much for all of us, I want you to have the happiest life ever with your daughter.

I know I can never share the same feelings as many of you since I'm so new to this, and most of my feelings are of the, "Things never work out for me, so watch this end up being something else that doesn't," but I know seeing ALWAYS the effortless pigeon pairs around me is hard when not having the ignorance to shrug my shoulders and "leave it up to" whatever... :/

[Throwaway_panther]

Hi Amo, Thanks for your post, I understand what your feeling as I'm feeling the exact same way. I had GD with my first son. I'm now pregnant with my second son (failed sway) and was dealing with it...then my cousin announced they were pregnant 2 days ago. I've got anxiety about whether they will have a girl, she is also someone who has/will say insensitive comments. Also our family are waiting for a girl announcement after 6 boys in a row so I'm feeling like I failed. I'm feeling pretty bad about feeling jealous. I keep thinking 'I don't want their girl, I want my girl' and that makes me feel better. So I understand

I'm sorry for all your feelings Kawazza (though my GD is flipped around). If it helps -- both of my SILs ended up being pregnant the same time as me (I'm the last due; my SIL just had her second son in a BGB family, my other SIL had her daughter in March in a now BG family).

The latter SIL has always made awful, insensitive and often passive-aggressive comments. Her and her husband were all very "THIS BETTER BE A BOY" for their first, who ended up being a boy, and I was bummed (despite loving my nephew something fierce). Though the husband made the same comments for #2 (he didn't want any girls... eesh), she had her girl. I felt even more upset to see her so easily get a pigeon pair, but realized, too, the stress she must have felt with her husband's comments... and also realized she STOPPED making comments to me that she used to. I think pregnancy, motherhood and certain experiences can affect even the worst of people, and you might be surprised at how your cousin changes with her baby -- girl or boy. Hoping for your sake this happens, too, so that you don't have to hear any upsetting comments <3

[amo]

Well my SIL has now started sending me pictures of all the pretty little girl clothes she's buying whilst also telling me she sort of wanted a second boy but is so happy to be having a girl. She's also gone from never wanting to meet up to wanting to see me all the time. Could all be innocent but I just can't help but feel she's trying to bait me into exploding or is just trying to make me feel bad. :-(

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