Coming to terms with it - my positive story

[Roma Rose]

Thinking I will find out the gender next time by having it written down for us to open at home. And not reveal the gender to anyone until after the birth and the sweet baby is there. Who could say anything other then sweet things then?



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If we were to ever consider a fourth child, I think that's exactly the way I'd do it too. I'd 100% want to know before the birth to get any feelings out of the way in advance. But I'm not sure I could hack a sonographer breaking the news, and I certainly wouldn't be telling people that we had found out!

[Wantanother2017]

I'm learning as I get older to just not put your personal information in other people's hands. Example; our child's name when I was pregnant. I just said "we haven't decided" when people asked and then no one had their comments they feel necessary to share with you. People can be so crazy.
Our next baby will be the same way. I'll be telling people we don't want to know until delivery just to stave off the b.s. [emoji849]


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[Roma Rose]

I'm learning as I get older to just not put your personal information in other people's hands. Example; our child's name when I was pregnant. I just said "we haven't decided" when people asked and then no one had their comments they feel necessary to share with you. People can be so crazy.
Our next baby will be the same way. I'll be telling people we don't want to know until delivery just to stave off the b.s. [emoji849]


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Even then though it's still not ideal, as you get all the speculative comments like "Fingers crossed for a girl / boy!" "Were you trying for a girl / boy?" "I bet you are hoping for a girl /boy!"

I found that before we knew (and for the people that we just didn't tell that we'd found out), we discovered people's preferences for what they hoped we were having, which was actually incredibly hurtful and added to the feeling that I was somehow disappointing people.

I'm just not sure that you can win either way with this one!

[Complex Emotions]

Thank you. I've also started to realise that any grandchildren that come along will also be genetically a little bit of me, so all is not lost, I might still get to experience a part of myself reflected in a granddaughter one day.

Roma Rose, thank you so much. You put this into words very well: "the desire and intrigue to see a part of yourself reflected in the same gender as yourself"

I imagine that this would deeply meaningful. That said, I once read an interview about a mother who struggled with eating disorder and self-hatred. In her case the dark feelings she had towards herself and her own body mirrored to the point that she felt shame about her daughter's body. So perhaps there can be a dark side to the self-mirroring aspect of mothering a girl. Maybe it's something a mom doesn't have to struggle with as much with her boys... even a blessing in disguise?

My son is just two, but there have already been dazzling moments when I've seen myself reflected in him. It's such a surreal and exhilarating thing, to see aspects of yourself reflected through the lens of the other gender.

[Claire33]

Thanks for your honest and wonderful post! Been there, done that! Except that I kept my extreme GD a huge secret, only my husband knows. I just didn't want any pity from anyone, or want anyone to ever know how I felt about my baby. I'm so impressed at your honesty and that you post for the world to see. But it takes brave people like yourself to admit to these feelings, so that people out there realize that it's actually pretty normal. And all the comments, OMG, they just make everything 10 times worse! The one thing I have learned from GD is to NEVER comment gender or family amke up in a negative way, and as you say, "congratulations, how wonderful!" (or whatever) is just about the only appropriate reaction. GD has made me humble, understanding and I have learned to keep my fleeting thought for myself. That is one good thing that has come from it all. One of my friends even said "Yuck, a boy?!" when I was pregnant with DS1. She went on to struggle with infertility for years and ended up having a miracle boy herself 7 years later, I'm pretty sure she feels differently now!