there no words to express how i feel............

[Kittybear]

Oh ladies, I am truly so sorry for your depression (and if I caused you more upset Buro when you first announced your baby's gender - that was truly not my intention).

I cannot say if the GD that I experienced is greater or less than what you both are experiencing, I just know that it was completely $h*t and I feel that I need to respond to anyone having the same/ similar visceral reaction even if it is for fundamentally opposite reasons (like with throw away panther when she was preggo, and *stalker alert* I sometimes drop in to see how she is doing)

I don't know how either of you will feel if/ when your babies are born. All I do know is that I felt a little better after my '110%' sway opposite ds2 was here and he existed rather than just the thought of him.

It's true that I 'only' have 2 boys, but that is 2 more than I ever wanted (I wouldn't change them now though). I also stopped posting on my dd board and went to hide with the ht ladies.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Everyone 'deserves' their desired gender, just some never quite make it there. If nothing else, I truly hope you blessed with good sons-in- law and many lovely grandsons in the future.

Xxx

[atomic sagebrush]

I'm going to delete some threads here, so just wanted to fully disclose that before I do.

I also do want to mention something. Deena is my good friend and has gone on to have a rich and full life and I don't want anyone to take that post as a snapshot of who she is at all. I know she would be happy if it helped people in some way but she is just so much more than a "person who had GD." She had and has a lot of courage for always being open and honest with people and is a huge hero of mine.

[Burakoam]

Edit: I went back and read the story posted and realized that was deena. I can see why you love and respect her atomic and thank you guys for sharing her story.

While i understand why you deleted my post and babies and the 'other persons'...

That person has sent baby totally off the edge. (i want to really push the point that it was nobody else in this thread, i want nobody else to feel guilty) i had her as a friend on facebook to keep in touch because she was going to post less here and now she has gone into deeper despair and deleted her facebook. I have no way of knowing if she is okay now, and yes i am certain she deleted her facebook entirely and didnt just remove me because she said shortly after that post with her comment and some others in real life for her she was feeling worse and worse and was going to delete her facebook.

If anything happens to her and she never posts here again or facebook, i do not feel like a terrible person in saying i hope honestly you are racked with guilt that you couldnt just leave well enough alone and push your beliefs off on others. She has/had 3 other girls who needed her! Your comment about how she is just 'a girl mom' was especially devastating to her because thats like telling someone such as yourself between your boy and your girl "oh you are just a boy mom, god gave me 4 daughters and i love them and thats just how god works"

I am astounded that when someone is in pain and needs help and comfort a person rushes in there to totally disrespect their wants and feelings because their point of view is so much more important and right.

If this post gets deleted i will have lost all respect. That person NEEDS to know what they have done, they need to watch how they respond and treat others in the future. They shouldnt be protected and coddled so they dont have to deal with consequences of what they have potentially done.

baby if you read this i love you and i am here for you and wish at the very least you would reactivate your facebook so we can keep in touch. Please hang in there with me, you and i really will get through this together, one way or another.

edit 2: and baby has liked this post. well thank goodness.

[Throwaway_panther]

Oh ladies, I am truly so sorry for your depression (and if I caused you more upset Buro when you first announced your baby's gender - that was truly not my intention).

I cannot say if the GD that I experienced is greater or less than what you both are experiencing, I just know that it was completely $h*t and I feel that I need to respond to anyone having the same/ similar visceral reaction even if it is for fundamentally opposite reasons (like with throw away panther when she was preggo, and *stalker alert* I sometimes drop in to see how she is doing)

I don't know how either of you will feel if/ when your babies are born. All I do know is that I felt a little better after my '110%' sway opposite ds2 was here and he existed rather than just the thought of him.

It's true that I 'only' have 2 boys, but that is 2 more than I ever wanted (I wouldn't change them now though). I also stopped posting on my dd board and went to hide with the ht ladies.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Everyone 'deserves' their desired gender, just some never quite make it there. If nothing else, I truly hope you blessed with good sons-in- law and many lovely grandsons in the future.

Xxx

Aww, you've always been so sweet Kitty! 😚 (and know the rest of my post isn't directed to you!)

And I know the "baby being here" changes things, and was very true for me, but that unsourced story of that woman's GD is the the real totem of what can go wrong. Hell, I've definitely already thought, "I want a son so bad -- watch me get a sociopath or someone with autism, since those affect more men than women." But the fear of just not wanting a child, even years after, is horrifying and DOES happen, as this story shares. And that story only seems to have highlighted how choosing to terminate (in addition to therapy) really would have been the healthier option. I know what it's like to be the unwanted child, specifically with gender too... it's not good.

I'm truly worried about baby here too, and ultimately our comments could hurt more than help, but I do think saying she would live to regret aborting isn't helpful period. I don't think there's a woman alive who doesn't know the potential consequences of an abortion -- but millions of women have lived happy, regret free lives because of choosing that option.

I think the hard discussion is on abortion over gender, which has an unsavory cast (especially when it's conducted illegally in so many other places). I maintain that our bodies are our bodies -- so I think if it's a healthier option than other things, it's not wrong to be considered. But I too falter at the idea myself because of the "but what if this child is the light of my life."

It's hard. And I, like that story teller, have been in therapy for years. Finally talked about the sexual abuse I faced. Was fortunate to have a therapist who didn't bat an eye at my GD. Did end up loving my daughter in an indescribable way.

But I'm still here. I still want my son. And there are many people with succesful sways who disappear off here because they DO finally feel happiness.

I think therapy and all of that is good, since I think GD is also often a result of other factors. But I also think, sometimes, it's in isolation. We can talk about our pasts, work through our obsessions... but it doesn't mean taking away that desire.

But, of course, therapy -- imo -- is a necessary course for someone with GD. Because it order to find out if having the desired sex is really the root, that other stuff needs to be talked about.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[sigrid86]

Hi baby2016baby, thanks a lot for your kind words. I'm ok with people saying wrong things, I guess that's normal since people don't know how to deal with this kind of situation (I'm not referring to you btw, just replying on your post ). She was indeed beautiful (what any parent would say ofcourse ).
Like you said, life is sometimes really cruel and you wonder why some have to deal with these kind of situations and others have all the luck. But I think I'm passed that. I know it's just really bad luck unfortunately. I just hope that we don't ever have to deal with this again. I'm sorry for your miscarriages, I can imagine that's terrible too.

You say that you feel guilty towards people like me. Please don't. I really understand...I even feel guilty for my feelings of wanting a girl so much more than a boy. Especially after all we've been through I don't dare to tell anyone because everyone would be like 'just be glad having a healthy baby'. And they're maybe right, but I'm scared I won't love my next baby as I loved Liv and I think it will be even worse with a boy

Ofcourse I can't understand what you're going through. The only thing I hope is that you won't feel guilty the rest of your life. That seems unbearable to live with. So please don't think I will judge you because of what I've experienced. I was just telling you that because I don't want you to feel worse afterwards than the way you feel now.

I understand very well that your chances were high with such a sway, but unfortunately there are always people falling from the stats (if you know what I mean)
I really believe that the lady was trying to help, but it just came out wrong. And indeed, it's really not the same if you don't have any chance left for having your desired gender.

Just a last thing, I'm going to a counsellor for my loss and last time we discussed a new pregnancy (that I really fear ofcourse). I told him that I'm afraid that it'll be a boy and I immediately noticed that he didn't understand. He told me that I should be thinking of where this is coming from. But that doesn't matter. I have the feeling of being a girl mom and would just love to have a girl (or 2). Just like you'd love to have a boy. It's strange that it's such a taboo topic...I really hope you find someone who can help you with these feelings.

I hope that you really think things through and hope you feel good with your choice. Wishing you all the best with your family xxx

[sigrid86]

Hi Burakoam, I indeed meant well. Maybe she didn't read the whole post...
I understand the thing of leaving religion out. I searched on some forums regarding stillbirth (American, since there aren't many Belgian) and I see that so many people are religious. I'm totally fine with believing in some kind of God (I just don't - never have and never will) but I just can't understand that my baby being dead has something to do with it. Then what kind of God is that So I didn't feel comfortable on that forum most of the time and stay away from it now.

Thank you for your kind words btw. I do feel that we should be grateful but I also find it normal to have a gender desire! I don't know how it feels to have GD but I'm really afraid of it. Would you really love a baby less because of the gender?
I really can't tell. Like I just told baby, I'm really afraid of not loving my next baby as much as I love Liv*, let alone that it's a boy...
Ofcourse I don't want you to be the mother who kills or abandons their baby, you only want the best for your child. But also like I said to baby, I just hope you won't feel guilty the rest of your life.
I know about extreme depression (my sister suffered from this a few years ago - I almost didn't have a sister anymore). It's something you can't really understand unless you dealt with it, but it's really necessary to talk to a professional and if needed, take meds.

I get that the odds should have been in your favor, especially with a great sway, but I think some people just don't get the luck they deserve Life isn't always fair I know.
I wanted to give some advice but I just can't. I think counselling (with someone who understands) is the only/best way to feel happy about your life again. I hope that you can find joy again and wish you all the best!

[Burakoam]

Sigrid- i posted about it a bit in a TTC boy thread but i have tried therapy and meds and my depression is not treated with standard anti depressants or mood stabilizers..the only time i have ever actually been 'happy' is when i was on Vyvanse. They say there is a specific type of depression that comes with ADHD that wont be treated with normal depression type meds...its like a genetic depression, as opposed to a life circumstance depression if that makes sense.

However right now i have that plus the GD.

Liv will always be special because she was your first. You will find you do love your other babies wether they are girls or boys...liv will always have a special spot because she made you a mommy. and you are still her mommy wether she is here or not. And i know there is some trauma from losing her and i think its that trauma that makes you fear you wouldnt love a boy as much as her. Also the unfairness that your dream daughter was taken from you so why couldnt you just have one more girl? I can understand all that thinking even if i havent experienced it myself. I think you will ultimately do just fine with either gender though, and yes i expect because of the trauma you have experienced so wrongly that regardless of gender there will be some issues to work through but i see bright and beautiful things for you Sig

[sigrid86]

I'm going to delete some threads here, so just wanted to fully disclose that before I do.

I also do want to mention something. Deena is my good friend and has gone on to have a rich and full life and I don't want anyone to take that post as a snapshot of who she is at all. I know she would be happy if it helped people in some way but she is just so much more than a "person who had GD." She had and has a lot of courage for always being open and honest with people and is a huge hero of mine.

Oh Atomic, I'm sorry didn't knew about that. I saw that in another thread and thought it maybe was a good quote for baby; I hoped that this would make her see that she isn't the only one and that maybe this story would be an inspiration and would change her perspective.
But I'm very glad that she has a rich and full life

[sigrid86]

Sigrid- i posted about it a bit in a TTC boy thread but i have tried therapy and meds and my depression is not treated with standard anti depressants or mood stabilizers..the only time i have ever actually been 'happy' is when i was on Vyvanse. They say there is a specific type of depression that comes with ADHD that wont be treated with normal depression type meds...its like a genetic depression, as opposed to a life circumstance depression if that makes sense.

However right now i have that plus the GD.

Liv will always be special because she was your first. You will find you do love your other babies wether they are girls or boys...liv will always have a special spot because she made you a mommy. and you are still her mommy wether she is here or not. And i know there is some trauma from losing her and i think its that trauma that makes you fear you wouldnt love a boy as much as her. Also the unfairness that your dream daughter was taken from you so why couldnt you just have one more girl? I can understand all that thinking even if i havent experienced it myself. I think you will ultimately do just fine with either gender though, and yes i expect because of the trauma you have experienced so wrongly that regardless of gender there will be some issues to work through but i see bright and beautiful things for you Sig

Burakoam, I'm really sorry that you feel depressed so often but I'm glad there is medication that helps with it. Ofcourse, GD can't be fixed I'm afraid I suppose it's just something you should look at differently I guess. Really don't know how you should deal with that.

Thanks! Liv will indeed always be special and will always be the one who made us parents, although it's awful that we became parents for the first time like this Indeed, I think the trauma is maybe a part of the reason I'm afraid I wont' love a boy as much as her. But I even have it with a girl, just not that much as with a boy.
Thank you! I hope my counsellor can guide me real good whenever I get pg again, I think it'll be necessary. I hope I will do good
Thanks for those sweet words! I really hope you can change your thoughts about GD and live a wonderful life

[Complex Emotions]

...And there are many people with succesful sways who disappear off here because they DO finally feel happiness...

This is a fascinating thread - I think a lot about all of these perspectives. I add want to add something in response to what Throwaway Panther wrote above.

I've noticed that a lot of us, myself included, have mentioned having previous fixations and other issues that have dominated our hearts and minds in ways similar to how GD is driving our lives right now. I'm guessing, just judging by how my own mind has worked in the past, that if I do have a baby girl that my GD will be "healed"...but then sooner or later something else is going to start feeling like it's "dominating" me. It's something about my mind, some kind of vulnerability in who I am.

At the same time, I also think it's true that my life would be "richer" in a really special way with a daughter, it would be a resonant, life changing thing that I would profoundly enjoy and grow from. So that's there too.

In short, there's a valid sense of a significant loss I'd experience in never having a daughter, but it's being exaggerated due to something in how my mind works. And I'm also not fully capable of appreciating how much a second boy might add to our family.

Those people who have a baby of the gender they're dreaming of, their GD is dead... but who knows what happens next in their lives? Maybe something else comes to take it's place.