Failed Sway Hurts so Much

[JenB17]

Hello Babs,

I am not active on this site anymore, but from time to time I pop on for some reassurance. I saw your post and I literally could have written it myself about 3years ago.
After DS1 (which i genuinely couldn't care whether he was a B or G), I desired a girl. Everyone of my anti-natal girls had had boys first and when we were all pregnant with our seconds they ALL had girls next. I was literally the ONLY one who had a second boy and I was gutted. I wished the pregnancy away and lost my desire for the baby. Well, he was born and of course, love at first site. He was just the most happy, charming and easy going little lad ever and I was just smitten. DH wasn't fussed on having anymore but knew I terribly desire a girl, so 2yrs later (after a lot of lurking and researching on here) I embarked on my sway. DH appeared very supportive and was happy to go along with it but he didn't sway with me. I swayed for 3-4months and put in a good effort. I too, just like you, don't really do breakfast and I have been vegetarian since I was 5yrs!! I am naturally a Martha type and it suits my personality to do a kitchen sink sway, so I decided to pick 3-4 things that I felt were important to sway with and I concentrated on doing those as best I could. I wasn't able to exercise as much as I wanted and I think this let me down,as well as snacking more than I should have. But I was losing weight and trying hard. I didn't find out what I was having but was 95% sure it was another boy. Sure enough DS3 came along. He has been the apple of my eye That was it - we were done and I felt a bit sad but totally complete at the same time. I knew I was always going to struggle with not having a girl but neither I or DH wanted any more children. Well, 18months later and I find out I'm pregnant! Total surprise. It was hard because I was grasping on to the fact that surely this was my girl. The surprise baby to complete my family and girl desire. Plus, I had lost my Nan and Auntie recently and so this baby needed to be female to fulfil those girl gaps! I wasn't planning to find out the sex, but during the 5months scan DS4 flashed his bits at me! I was devastated! It took me a few days to stop the tears, and although I knew 100% that he was going to be loved, I really struggled to deal with the fact (all over again!) that NOW there was no hope in hell I was ever going to have a daughter, (i don't want any more babies). Thats has been super hard. DS4 is just amazing and the other boys love him to bits. Its amazing. My desire will never go away but most of the time its at bay. Until someone else flares it up (usually without realising!) - like my sister who has just announced she is expecting a boy after her girl and she is over the moon as 'having one of each is perfect' and she gets to 'enjoy the best of both worlds' (saying these things to me I felt was quite insensitive as my family is perfect just the way it is!
Anyway, i have totally rambled on - sorry! But, I just wanted you to know that I have been exactly where you are and things do get better. I can't say the desire ever goes away, but it does get easier. Just give it time. Once your new little man is here it will be magical. Your feelings are totally normal and you are not a bad person. So so many of us have felt the same and its easy to think that was before you have met your baby, but you already know that once he is here things will change a lot. Just remember you are not alone xx

[BabsNMK]

Thank you JenB. One of the hardest parts is that almost everyone (not a generalization just fact) who have two children or more around me have one of each. I literally don't know a single person with 3 boys. 5 of my friends are all due within a month of me, they are all on number 2, and inevitably many of them will have opposite genders as well. I could've lived never having a boy (my husband might be a different story) but never having a girl to me and seeing others have them is really hard to handle. I admit to them I'm jealous. But now it hurts. It's more than jealousy, its pain. I'm sure you're right that in time I'll mainly avoid the painful days, but I'm so afraid of being the grandmother that looks back in her life and still holds onto the pain.