Heat on sperm and some personal ranting

[atomic sagebrush]

Eh, I've been married for 27 years and it is what it is at this point. I learned over time not to expect him to ever meet my needs for, well, really anything, and worse, to actively stand in my way as I try to meet my own needs. I mention all this not to have a pity party but to let you know you are not alone dealing with these issues. It does feel at times (many times) that being alone is actually preferable because you're alone anyway and at least theres not someone actively dragging you down and giving you some other massive amount of things to deal with in addition to all the other things you've already got on your plate. But, I muddle through it somehow and you will too, for as long as you can. And at such a point where you can't do it any more, then you can reevaluate and make a different choice if it comes to that. Or, maybe things will get better and you find a way to make it work that doesn't crush your soul and you come out on the other side. No matter what you and your kids are going to be ok.

What I want you to try to focus on here and now is that you're doing this for YOU. Not for DD, not for DH, but for YOU, Panther. NO matter if this baby is a boy or a girl, it's for you. It is your personal baby, a gift you are giving to yourself. That's why they call it a rainbow baby, it is the reward for going through the dark clouds. YOu've been through a lot of s--- the last two years and it hasn't been fun, but this is NOT another bad thing that's happening, even if the baby is a girl, it's a good thing that's happening. And you're doing it from sheer selfishness as a reward for all the bad things that have happened.

Right now this baby is a present that is still wrapped up and it's hard to see the joy that comes with it. Right now all you can envision is the downsides and negatives that come from getting a present you're not entirely sure you want. But when you open it up, you'll be surprised over the course of time about how rewarding it's going to be. Nothing in life is ever all bad or even mostly, and our fears about the badness of unknown events are virtually always far beyond what the reality ends up being. I know so many people who had just as bad gender desire as you, or even worse; who were in very dark places for many years and unlike you they didn't have the wherewithal to handle it, now 10 years later it's like they're different people and if I hadn't been on this journey with them I would never have known that they ever had doubts or disappointments. Their fears were worse than what the reality is and over time they learned that GD is not a destination that you stay in forever, it's a temporary pit stop on the way to someplace much better (whether or not you ever get your desired gender).

You are one of the toughest, strongest (sometimes maddeningly so, ) chicks I've met on this journey. I KNOW you can handle anything that is headed your way, come what may. You got this. And it's not because you're so selfless you're doing all this for other people to please them, it's because you're a badass who can do anything and it's not going to be so bad anyway. Not only are you very well equipped to handle another baby, boy or girl, with or without your husband's love and support. It's because it is going to be awesome for YOU and you're going to enjoy it more than you ever dreamed possible.

[2blue1pink]

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with atomic, you are strong and will get through this, come what may.

[4blue2pink]

i hope you are ok TP i know its your scan today, whatever you decide (team green or find out) we are all here ready to help however we can. i must admit my dh becomes most difficult/negative and least supportive right when i really really dont need it, and he does it like clockwork right after i have a baby.

he eventually gets over himself and goes back to normal but its got to the point where i know having a baby doesnt give me any break from doing all the housework, cooking and childcare, it just means ive gotta do it all while dealing with the newborn and being completely ignored by "His Lordship" for however long he needs to get out of it.

prime example.. i was walking the school run on less than 1 hours sleep with 5 kids in tow and a newborn in a sling less than 24 hours after DD2 was born, where was dh? sat on the couch at home.

i hope everything goes well at your scan and that things between you and dh improve.

[atomic sagebrush]

It's almost like they know when we're on the ropes they have the leeway to act however they like or something. :/

[Throwaway_panther]

Thank you everyone, and atomic you almost made me cry!

I am both saddened and relieved by all of your words. I am glad I'm not alone, but am so heartbroken over why we are all facing this with our partners. Does it never get better? Is this it?

DH did end up coming to scan (where they told us they couldn't even find gender for their own records!! we actually have to go back because baby was so stubborn they couldn't get all pics needed!), but has still been cold, withdrawn and perhaps worst, when he does talk to me, he acts like nothing happened and certainly has never and will never apologize for anything. He's excited about the new baby but I just sit there feeling like just a vessel since he doesn't give a shit about me...

[RaisingGentlemen3]

Oh ladies! How can men be that way? I am so sorry you all are dealing with such rotten husbands! TP I hope your next scan shows a healthy baby for sure and maybe even a little something between the legs! Praying for you *hugs*

4blue2pink- so after 2 sways, what did you find that worked for you? Do you have a link to your sways?

[atomic sagebrush]

It's a stereotype but I think men just need to feel like they're the center of the universe to some greater or lesser extent. Anything that distracts us from that cause of putting them first, irritates them and they just don't seem capable of really putting our feelz before their own. But luckily I talk to enough other women so I know it's #notallmen LOL. (which is good, because let me tell ya, it doesn't help a boy mom's gender disappointment any :/) Some guys have literally moved heaven and earth for their wives on this crazy trip we are all on. Others haven't done much of anything at all or even stand in their wives' ways. Many of these people you never even talk to; the people who are the worst off often never even post publicly. There are people out there who have horrific GD whose husbands won't TTC again under any circumstances. So there is that, at least. Most of us on here, even when our husbands aren't supportive, haven't actively moved to stop us.

Some guys are more prone to falling into these bad habits while others are mostly ok and then the stress of all this TTC stuff brings out the dark side. Maybe they're just not well equipped to offer support, like they don't know how to. Other guys can handle it for a while and then just run out of steam. But then maybe they can get their batteries recharged and hopefully return to form. If he's historically a good guy that changes things and my very great hope is that this is just a bump in the road for you guys.

Now, as for the why...(atomic pulls out soapbox) I've given this issue so much thought over the last 2 decades and what I believe is this. Most of us are living in a culture where men have pretty much been told for the last three generations that they are entitled to indulge themselves in most every way. Even so far as to say that if they feel deprived, unfulfilled, or unhappy - even temporarily - in any given situation or that they're not living their best life. Dissatisfaction is not something to be weathered or corrected over time but a sign that one is on the wrong path totally and the grass is always greener on the other path.

Well, to be fair, we all have been told that, but it seems like the message resonates more with men than ladies. I just feel like too many guys take situations of difficulty WAY too seriously and have literally no coping skills for anyone's negative/dark emotions, especially their own. So they get annoyed with anyone having feelings/emotions since they don't know how to deal with them at all, furious if the emotions dare to continue and/or if anyone asks them to help fix the situation in any way, and then they'll shut down totally whenever faced with any negative emotions that they themselves experience (including feelings of disappointment in themselves for being unable to "fix" our problems...u know men, they love to fix).

I sometimes wonder if we are expecting people who are fundamentally ill-equipped through no fault of their own, to function on an adult level when they've never even had any kind of role models or education on how to do that, and in fact instead have been fed a fairly steady diet of dudebros indulging their every whim instead being painted as mankind's pinnacle achievement. And additionally, they're told again and again in pretty much every form of media that women are here to help make those whims a reality without ever asking anything in return (unless we are like, u know, being chased by Transformers or something.)

[Throwaway_panther]

Wow, insert applause gif here. This is exactly it, atomic. I'm doing an amen hand here.

DH is actually a bit infamous for going down these weird binges when he feels dissatisfaction -- he dives full in and reads a bunch of philosophy books and then quotes from them ad nauseum for a few months then stops. Then whenever the next time something happens, he does it again, just with a new realm of philosophy. It drives everyone crazy, and sure enough for the last few months he was doing it again (this time I'm pretty sure work stress drove him to it).

In the meantime, he becomes this condescending asshole during these moments and loses what little empathy he has already!

Your description of men culturally and so on is also big one in his family, and I see it in his (very misogynistic) father. Luckily DH is not this, but I definitely observe how DH treats me versus DD (much like his own father takes advantage of their mother but treats their one DD like she is Aphrodite incarnate).

Your last point even informs my own GD! Obviously I've waxed poetic pretty often on here about the million reasons I want a boy, but a big drive has always been to hopefully influence the next generation of men to not be like their forefathers. So I feel you on how seeing this affects boy mom GD -- it affects my own, even!