Can't believe I'm here...

[pinga]

Hey hon... I'm right there with you. I found out on Friday I'm expecting boy #3. I was hoping so desperately for a girl... but just knew it would be a boy. I've been tearing up loads.... but not so much today. I still feel pretty flat but I think once I'm able to focus on the baby rather than on what I'm missing out on... things will be better.

Hugs

[annabel♥lee]

Thanks everyone.

I just feel so empty right now. All I can think about is trying for a fourth. I'm not even thinking about this baby. Just almost pushing it aside waiting for the pregnancy to be over so I can try again for my girl.

But in reality I don't want 4 kids. I'm so mad at myself. I should have done PGD, then I wouldn't be in this mess.

[Prayn4Haven]

Im so sorry Annabel. I wasnt as upset with my second but i am preggo again and know that i will feel the same as you if i hear boy again. Just know that you are not alone.

[zanacal]

Oh Annabel, I'm so sorry x

[indigoviolet]

I'm SO sorry to be reading this. Sending big hugs your way.

[annabel♥lee]

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate all of your support. It's nice to vent to others who understand. So far I've been dealing with it by shopping. I have been buying alot of Gymboree outfits and I'm about to spend about $250 at Zutano.

It definitely hurts to go into the baby stores...because the girl stuff is right there in my face, and it reminds me of what I'm missing out on. But online I'm ok. I'm coping by telling myself my baby will be the cutest dressed little boy.

[HopingWishingPraying]

Annabel I wish I could reach through the computer screen and hug you because your post resonates so strongly with me. I was EXACTLY where you are this time 12 months ago. My bub was due (and born) mid July 2011, so this time last year I too received the news that I was expecting #3. Just like you, I was completely devastated. I cried for days (and weeks and months) like my heart was broken. I couldn't sleep, eat, or function for days after the scan, my DH had to take time off work as I couldn't look after our boys or leave the house because I couldn't stop crying. I was a total mess lost in grief. I also felt a massive disconnection from the baby and the pregnancy. I had my 2 boys, I didn't want or need another, I thought. It didn't seem another boy could bring anything to my life that I didn't already have. Getting the blue clothes out for a 3rd time made me cry, it was all just more of the same, the same.....

I want to reassure you though that you are absolutely in the hardest part of this journey right now and it WILL GET BETTER... a lot better. The pregnancy is so hard, so so hard... you have empty arms and know nothing about this little guy at all except the one thing you dont want to know... that he's a boy. You dont yet know what his personality will be like, what will make him smile, what his little laugh will sound like, what will make his eyes light up, anything that makes us love our babies like we do. For me it started getting easier after about 12 weeks of intense mourning, but was still hard until he was born. Since then it has gotten easier every day. This baby and I, we are in love, so in love with each other. I still have a longing for a daughter that is always with me, but my GD is no longer about this baby.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and you would be 12 months down the track. As I write this I have a beautiful little cherub of a 6 month old baby happily playing with his toys at my feet. He has filled a spot in my heart I didn't know was there. He is not "just another boy" or a repeat of his brothers, he is his own unique little person and he has brought so many moments of wonder, joy and awe into my life in his 6 short months with us. God has definitely given me something I never knew I needed but obviously did in this little lad. Despite my other 2 being blonde and myself and my husband being blonde as children we were shocked and surprised to get a little lad with dark brown hair this time... so lovely to have something so different and unexpected. He makes my heart sing everyday and I thank God all the time that he "beat the lime juice". He was meant to be, and he was meant to be mine.

I was so worried that he would have felt my rejection of him in the womb, that he would have been affected by my disconnection and damaged by it, or that he would somehow know that I didnt want him. He doesnt. This little boy of mine loves his mummy in the most purest of ways, I wish I could bottle it. He looks up at me with his beautiful big blue eyes and the trust and love that radiates out of them for me is tangible. He spots me from the other side of the room and his whole body shimmies and writhes with delight that he has seen me. If he is given to someone else he tracks my every movement around the room and he just knows that I am his mummy, his "special someone" and that he belongs with me. He grins at me with the biggest, gummiest grins and he is just so secure, so innocent, so contented. I can sense it oosing from him, his trust that I love him and will care for him and do anything for him. He has never seemed to question his place in this world, his right to be. He knows he is mine and that I am his, and we are meant to be together. It sounds all so airy fairy, but it is true... I just want to reassure you that it will get better, and the way you feel now is no reflection at all on how you will feel about your baby once he is here. The pain will fade with time and you will love your little man. He will bring things to you that dont seem possible right now. We all know what you are feeling and are here for you. big hugs!

[KnockYourBallsOff]

Hoping Wishing...that was beautiful! MAde me tear up. I completely agree.

[coocoobananas]

I got teary too, WOW well said! I'll go for my sway but think of all you said when I find out it's a boy! I will be waiting til the end this time as I know this is how I will feel no matter how much I tell myself I am ready to hear it! All I know is that when ds2 was born, it didnt matter what sex he was because it was him.

[auroara78]

HopingWishingPraying, that was beautifully said! It moved me to tears too...and I hope it helps Annabel too some

Annabel, I think shopping online is great. I think having a focus on getting him awesme clothes is good too.