grandparent favoritism

[lindi]

It is dumb, of course it's dumb. The whole thing is dumb. But it IS Grandpa's toy, right??? I mean, Grandpa bought the toy and so doesn't he really get to decide who plays with it and who doesn't, even if his criteria is totally flawed?? I just think it sends a message that in the long term, you ~might~ not want to be sending to a child, that whenever someone who is in a position of authority, says your son can't do something, that dad is going to step in and "undo" that because the rules don't apply to him. Does that make any kind of sense?? Teachers, bosses, even the police "inflict" rules that are at times unfair and arbitrary and are based on nothing other than stupidity and yet we all have to follow the rules, even when we don't like them.

ALL of us came from families with all level of weirdness going on and politics and playing favorites and we all got our bumps and bruises from it, KWIM?? It just seems like there is a way to express the idea that yeah, what happened there wasn't fair and that sucked but we completely trust that you are talented enough to handle that situation and sometimes things just go that way and you gotta roll with the punches, as opposed to instilling an expectation that a child needs Mom and Dad to fight battles for him, because he never learns either the ability to fight battles for himself OR the ability to deal with it when a battle simply shouldn't be pursued. And in a lot of cases, the exceptional kids are the ones who need that lesson the most.

I'm sorry if I come off wrong here, I am just trying to save some other people some woe that I've had to go through the HARD way!! :/

I totally hear you, Atomic. I had pretty good parents who really let me and my older brother "work" things out when we had squabbles... and my mother told me recently that because I was tall for my age and considered pretty far head in terms of academic kind of smarts, she saw me and my brother more as equals. I was really picked on by my brother who didn't like me (very common), but because I did, as a kid, have a lot going for me that my brother didn't have my parents really never stepped in and figured out a way to have my brother treat me better. It just got worse and worse, and the dynamics of being the younger one, who just idolizes the older one while the older one hates you, eventually becomes very painful and I really got angry at my parents as a child for not seeing how I was treated by him- but that anger fizzled out when nothing ever changed and when they seemed to just ignore it and even become accomplices (chuckling at the demeaning nicknames he gave me if they were funny), or telling me it my fault (my dad said "pulling his chain") when he would be verbally abusive towards me- and my recollection, my point of view as the younger one was just that I wanted to play with him, and have him include me. After lots of therapy..($$!)...realized this was a cornerstone of picking men who treated me VERY badly (until DH of course). I thought it was normal an accepted that I was given demeaning nicknames, ignored in pretty profound ways, made fun of for the "strange" things about me...(like what I see in DS)...and this was a pattern I would repeat because nobody stepped in and said it wasn't OK.
So I struggle with balancing that reality with the wisdom I also *understand* of letting children build their own strength and learn social skills, through having to face all the different kinds of people and situations they will meet. I practice this ALL the time on the playground much to other parents' annoyance when I don't insist on "sharing" and meddlign with every little scuffle. I am sure people look at me like I don't care or something, but I am a big believer in kids learning through figuring it out for themselves.
I just feel, deep down that whatever benefit I got from being treated so poorly as a kid- and I know there is one- but that benefit didn't outweigh the major ramifications of how I repeated that behavior in my own life as a young adult. It was just so normal to me to be belittled and ignored that I couldn't even see there was a problem in several relationships...
ugh. complex.

[atomic sagebrush]

It is complex!!! I wish parenting was easier.

My experience was that I had a very tough childhood and suffered a lot but I DID grow up extremely strong in many ways because of that. Then I tried to protect my kids and right all the wrongs for them only to have that all blow up in my face too and end up with teenagers who had a whole different set of issues and yet despite being very coddled, were STILL unhappy and blaming Mom and Dad for everything that ever went wrong in their universes - though we have worked it out now mostly, at least with my older son, still working on my second.

Just looking for the happy medium between throwing a kid into the deep end of a pool full of sharks without swimming lessons and wrapping em in cotton wool and setting them on the mantelpiece!! Again, I did not mean any offense, sometimes it's helpful to hear another perspective and sometimes, it's NOT.

[LolaInLove]

A happy medium is an excellent way to put it, Atomic. Personally, I just hate when family is difficult. The world full of strangers (the teachers, bosses, policeman, etc) are gonna make life tough enough. Why can't grandpa just share the f'ing toy??? But that's just my opinion. That's why I tell my kids that we are to love and support family. I hope you are doing ok with all of this, Lindi!

[Glittergirl]

Atomic I agree with you in many ways....I used to step in when DS1 andDS2 would fight--they are 3 years apart and I would always take DS2 side cause he was a baby and DS1 was much bigger and "should know better" well, DS2 started playing victim. I would catch him being the perpetrator yet he would cry and play victim (for instance he would hit DS1 r walk by and break his legos, then when DS1 would hit him back-- DS2 would cry and be victim...even though he started it!) I have learned to step back now. They never are too physical just enough to annoy each other then they are best friends. Another example--I coddled DS1 a lot....first born etc etc. I remember he was like 3 and we would play games and of course I would always let him win and tell him how smart he was. My dad would always tell me "let him lose, he needs to know he can't be perfect and life is not fair" the first time he began losing, his world turned upside down! He cried and would give up and just get upset that he didn't win! I quickly learned to let him lose and show all 3 boys now that life is not fair...your brother may get compliments for being a great artist or getting an A on his math test, but that doesn't take away from who you are. I tell them just cause one of you gets praised for something doesn't take aways anything from the other...never compare yourselves or your worth with others.

[lindi]

It's really hard... I read in a blog I like and follow that the most important relationship is the one you build with your kids. Period. All decisions stem from that. I have thought about it, and I realize no matter what I am going to be blamed for doing something wrong as a mother, coddle too much, ignore too much...I do see value in just letting DS get sh*t on a little bit, and maybe I'm the one who it hurts the most. Maybe DS is caught as an instrument if my own anger about my own childhood... I look at DH, who was also treated badly by grandpa, ANC he has turned out amazing. The most kind, thoughtful human I think I have ever met. He wasn't ruined by it. It's just so painful for us both to watch.
Thank you all so much for talking this thru!

[gossie]

I would recommend the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" to you, lindi, and anyone else who is dealing with similar family stuff. I found that it applied to so much more than just siblings, and found it a very enlightening read that contained lots of food for thought on many things touched upon in this thread - the way our own experience growing up shapes the way we parent, how sibling (and cousin) relationships have a huge impact on us, and when and how we should (or shouldn't, mostly) intervene.

[lindi]

Gossie- ordering that book. Thanks!