Losing hope :(

[maidentomother]

Amen, atomic! Like you this issue is a huge one for me, I also have personal experience so it really resonates. So much TRUTH to that post and LOLZ too, especially at the end. What's depressing is just how realistic those last scenarios are.

Unless/until mind-melding is possible I don't think a lot of men will ever be able to understand where women are coming from, bc of how strong the biological imperative is for women and bc it is just SO utterly different from male fertility & priorities.

[1moregirl]

I totally agree with Atomic too. I think it's all very well for other ladies to say - "oh get over it. You have 3 already from him so he has every right to say no to 4 or more," but it is mostly women who have their DH on the same page as them that give these comments. Unless you are in this position yourself, or have a woman in your life you are close to in the same boat, you really can't give that opinion. Marriage is a partnership and, like I explained it to my DH, people who are married and in disagreement on a major topic (such as more kids) really need to come to a compromise. I didn't get to start having babies til I was 36 (which was very lucky for me I know) yet before that I had nothing but bad luck when it came to meeting the right man and someone whom I could settle down with and have children with. I seemed to be like a magnet that attracted all the commitment-phobic men that were not interested in settling down with one woman let alone marriage and children (the very men that Atomic describes). And I know I'm not the only one. There are MANY of us women in this day and age that pay the price for living in an era where many men are against settling down and committing themselves until they are in their 30s. We pay the ultimate price of having to postpone having babies and wasting our most fertile years because many men don't want want the commitment of settling down and starting families. And, Atomic is sooo spot on with everything she says. Men just don't have the same biological clicking tock that we women do. Yes I admitted that the last time I got pregnant (when I miscarried) I slightly deceived my DH and got pregnant, yet it wasn't that unethical. He showed up and BD with me, his wife, without a condom. Yet so many other women judged me and went crook and they don't even know the first thing about me or my DH or our relationship. Unless you know someone else's history and what their story is all about, you have no right to judge them. Yes there are plenty of men out there who aren't commitment-phobic - but there are a hell of a lot out there that are. And considering it's our bodies that do all the hard work in growing a new life and then birthing it after 9 months, I simply do not believe that men should have the last and final say as to whether we should do it again or not. It should not be completely up to them. That is my opinion and no one's going to change it. Fortunately, I have gotten my DH to agree to one last try, but it did take one large argument and some compromising for us to get there.

[maidentomother]

Well said, it is hell dating in your 30s! I haaaate it.

[trifecta]

I'm glad your husband agreed to give it another chance and I hope you get a baby out of it.

I had a post encouraging you to start working out your feelings related to the end of your childbearing not only because your husband hadn't agreed to it but because realistically not everyone is able to continue having healthy children in their mid-forties and I think it's better not to get so spooled up.

Most of us do have a strong biological urge to have children but we are more than just our urges and things don't always work out. Eventually every mother--not just some but every--confronts the end of having babies or being the mother of small kids and we all need to be able to make peace with it.

I really hope it works out for you but if it doesn't it really isn't the end of the world not to be a able to realize a fantasy. I think swaying gives you a good shot at realizing your dream of a another baby girl but if you look around this board there are lots of women who have had to make peace with reality because it doesn't always match our fantasies. And that has to be ok.

Anyway, good luck and I hope it all works out the way you want.

[atomic sagebrush]

Can I just say this is an interesting thread and I appreciate and admire the viewpoints of everyone who has chimed in!?! This is not a cut and dry thing at all and I really applaud everyone who is able to share differing opinions civilly. This site and those who come here - you totally ROCK!!

[1moregirl]

Trifecta - thanks sooo much Hun for your post and I totally get everything you said. Sooo true...many of us Mums will never really be able to stop our urge to have another baby and just the sight of a newborn fills us with a nurturing desire we can't control, but yes we will all inevitably come to a stage in our life where we have to accept and make peace with the fact that there will be no more babies for us in this life. If that happens to me this next time then so be it....I won't be getting my hopes up, trust me. I am going into this completely level headed and aware of the possible outcomes. I will just be praying to God that it results in a healthy baby but we'll see.