Faint period-type cramps 4-5DPO

[atomic sagebrush]

any news today?

[Pbn3]

How did this mornings test go 1moregirl?

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[1moregirl]

Hi ladies. I've given up and am not testing again now. Just waiting for AF to arrive. This has been soooo much of an emotional rollercoaster ride for me and I think I am going to have to take at least a month or two of ttc because my anxiety has increased lately and I have just been too stressed and a bit too consumed by it all to be honest. Thursday night I was awake all night and having panic attacks and my anxiety was just terrible...I went to my doctor yesterday and I was in tears talking about it all with her. I'm already on an antidepressant but we think it was hormones that caused it that night and the fact that I'd received my youngests kinder acceptance forms that day for next year and thought of being at home without a baby or child just filled my heart with dread. And the thought of being pregnant again with risks of miscarriage, etc also added to the anxiety and panic attacks. So that was one sleepless night and my BBt jumped that next morning (so clearly not accurate even though I had been asleep for a while), but yesterday it dipped down again and I was teary and emotional, so sure AF is imminent. I had really believed that I could do it you know? I'd been thinking positive...I'm slim, I'm healthy and reasonably fit, but none of that means you have any good eggs left does it? anyway, my doctor gave me a referral thing to go see a counsellor and talk about it. I think I have given soooo much of myself to my children for the last 8 years that the thought of not being with them every day while they're at school just makes me feel lost and empty and I need to accept it and find myself again and new interests. How unfair it is that men can keep reproducing until however long, where we poor women have a reproductive use-by-date. It really really sucks and I guess I am one of those women who find it hard to accept. I've never really been a career-driven woman...my greatest role has been having babies and being a MUm...loved every single minute of it and finding it difficult to accept that there won't be another baby. Anyway, having said all of that, now is not a good time for me to be pregnant, as I don't cope well with our Victorian winters...I get the blues this time of year (obviously keep it hidden from my kids, but they just know that I HATE winter with a passion). It would be better for me to be pregnant earlier on in spring or Summer when I am at my emotional and mental best. Anyway, here's my chart and I apologise for getting my hopes up and those lovely ladies who help me along.

image.jpg

[1moregirl]

Also, if/when I ttc again, I won't be using BBT as it has become too stressful for me. I am officially going to throw my thermometer out today in the rubbish. I will just use FF for charting BD and opks and CM and that's it. Just relaxed approach. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I'll learn to be OK with that. Sorry for sharing so much emotional stuff. I just thought that others in my position who feel the same as me could benefit from it somehow. Xx

[Pbn3]

1moregirl what a strong message that was. And well done on getting counselling. I think its a fantastic idea given how you feel about things and the anxiety its causing. I really hope its beneficial. Wishing you all the very best and hope you're able to find peace and clarity in whatever decision you make about ttc or not ttc. Huge hugs xxoo

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[ever hopeful]

There's loads you can do when all of your children are at school and it will be great to think and do something for you for a little while during each day or even get a part time job that will fit around school times and holidays. i appreciate it's tough if you really want another one, but I'd start trying to really focus your positive energy on the three you already have, your DH and yourself and really look forwards to the next stage in life and you never know if you stop fretting about ttc you might very likely get an oops. xx

[1moregirl]

Thanks pbn3 and Everhopeful. The one thing I DO know right now is that I don't want to be pregnant right now. Like I probably said in my last long-winded message (Lol!) I Find winter difficult enough and winter last year was mostly taken up with my 10 week miscarriage and a few months afterwards getting my iron levels back to normal and feeling normal again. I think that miscarriage and winter has created my anxiety. I'm also sad tonight because one of our beautiful Guinea pig boys passed away suddenly yesterday afternoon. The kids have taken it quite well, but I have been quite devastated and upset by it. I can feel AF on her way and I'm ok with it. I ditched my thermometer in the bin 2 days ago so not BBTing any more at ALL. If I ever do ttc again, I don't want to be sitting around analysing my FF chart and BBTs. It has become too stressful and I'm sick of it. Anyway, that's it for me at the moment. Thanks soooo much for your support and advice. I really appreciate it and please keep in touch. xx

[atomic sagebrush]

There is something about guinea pigs that losing them is sooo hard!!! I'm sorry.

[1moregirl]

Thanks Atomic.im doing better now, just sick at the moment with a throat and awful cough. can't even sleep well at night due to the coughing. But I'll get there. I am feeling a lot more peaceful at the moment without the pressures of ttc. If/when I'm ready to ttc again, I will be upping my intake of ubiquinol and will stick to SMEP as that is how I got that BFP two cycles ago. Will still pop in here every few days to check on our other lovely 35+ ladies ttc.