Trying to find my life path... any advice appreciated 😊

[kittendreams]

Kitten - Like Pbn I’ve been trying to think about how to respond to you as well and like Pbn, prepare for my novel… cuz as it turns out I do have lot of thoughts on this subject!

So, the "practical" side of me worries – what if she does have a 4th and it’s a boy… can she survive the GD again? Honestly – I was SO worried about you after you found out DS3 was a boy and disappeared from here for awhile. And believe me – I’m not judging you at all for staying away and I totally understand why you did!! You had to go through a process to work through the news - a quite beautiful process it sounded like, as you told us about the time you spent bonding and reconnecting with your boys. But I just want you to be OK and happy and hate to think about you having to go through GD again. But maybe that’s where going Team Green may be the best choice for you if you do have another, so that you can at least try to focus your energy on enjoying the pregnancy and if it is a boy, you wont know that until you’re holding him and already madly in love with his sweet little face!

Here’s where the “non-practical” side of my thinking comes from… Exactly 1 year ago at this time I was in the middle of a horribly depressing period of my life. I’d just had my 3rd miscarriage in less than a year – the “missed miscarriage”, the one that I had to have a D&C to remove. To this day I remain convinced that baby was a little girl. At that time I was sending PM’s on here to Pbn and Mommy2Apples (they were a HUGE support to me during that period and I remain forever grateful to them for it) about how depressed I was and how I couldn’t keep trying anymore. I’d pretty much lost hope that not only would I never have my DD, I would never even have another child period. I drank a lot of alcohol that month. I cried myself to sleep every night. I was very, very close to giving up TTC completely, and yet, I still didn’t know how on Earth I could give up on my dream of a daughter. To sum it up, March 2018 really, really sucked.

Exactly one year later and I’m here snuggling my beautiful daughter and my “bonus” DS3. Never in a thousand years would I have imagined last March that one year later I would have two perfect, healthy twins, and that one of them would be the little DD I was so obsessed with meeting. Nor did I know that I could love another DS as much as I love DS3. His big, beautiful almond eyes have me completely hooked!

So all that is to say… I don’t blame you, and I will encourage and cheer you on 100% if you decide to throw out what’s “practical” and hold steadfast to your dream of finding your DD. Because you have every right and every reason to believe that she is still out there and waiting, and that one day, soon hopefully, you’ll be holding her in your arms. In the midst of my darkest, most hopeless moments last March, somewhere deep inside there was still that tiny hope that I’d find her – my sweet Miss E �� If you still feel that tiny but powerful hope deep inside that she is there and waiting for you to find her, then don’t give up. Keep fighting to find her.

Ok that’s really sappy I know but it’s what I feel. Dreams are powerful and we have to fight for them with all we have. And if you do get another DS, ultimately, I know you will be ok because I’ve interacted with you enough to know that you are an amazing mother and that you really, really LOVE your kids. You will love another little boy if that is what happens (and how could you not? You guys make the most gorgeous little boys!!! Seriously!).

Now more to the practical again… As far as 4 kids, I’m 2 months into that (we had only planned on a MAX of 3!) and yea it’s HARD. Our house constantly feels like it’s in chaos. No, I wouldn’t change it, but it’s definitely a lot of work and I do feel guilty a lot because I don’t feel like I can meet each of my kids’ needs right now. Each of my kids (even the two babies) have specific issues and things I need to focus time on addressing and I just feel already like I’m struggling with doing that. DS1’s academic struggles, DS2’s temper/behavior issues, getting the babies on a healthy schedule, some very minor health-related things with DS3, etc. etc. We're still trying to get into a groove. I’m exhausted to the point of sometimes being angry and short-tempered. And the craziest thing is I’ve also struggled a lot since the twins were born with knowing that we are “done” now. We only wanted 3 and I thought when #3 AND #4 popped out I would feel done and yet I’ve really struggled knowing the reproductive stage of my life is over. Like Pbn said it’s like the more kids I have the more I want!! �� But given that I had life threatening complications with my last two deliveries (two post-partum hemorrhages requiring blood transfusions), it’s just too risky to have more…. In addition to all the other reasons I know we need to stop! So as crazy as 4 is, overall I do love having a lot of kids and would have more if I could!

And here’s one other thing that I just want to put out there too… while I love DD with every ounce of my being, her being here hasn’t made life “perfect”. I still struggle with things, I still cry, I still have REALLY hard days. While that probably seems obvious, I say it because I think I really did convince myself before I had her that if I could just get her everything would be perfect. And I know Atomic has warned on here that that doesn’t happen, and like always, she is right. My life IS better with her, but it’s still hard and certainly not perfect. I guess I just say all that as a warning because I think a lot of us on GD get into that trap of “if I could just get my desired gender everything will fall into place”, but, I think for the vast majority if not all of us, that just isn't the case!

As far as your sway… I agree with what others have said. My first thought in reading your post is that I think possibly one of the factors that worked against you is that you swayed for so long before and I know that atomic has said things on here that perhaps long sways are maybe not as effective because your body gets too used to all the changes and as you said the effects just wear off. I have often wondered if that’s why I still ended up with a boy twin after hard swaying for more than a year and with 3 miscarriages. I’d suggest doing a short sway, even starting to TTC after maybe 8-10 weeks, so that your body really is “in shock” from a change in nutrient levels, etc. Definitely 1 attempt rather than E4D if you can (I think you guys have a history of getting pregnant pretty fast, if I recall?). With our twins not only did we do only 1 unprotected BD that entire cycle, DH released like 24 hours before our attempt and I did J&D after like 5 minutes. We did a ton to try to limit how much sperm was in me and we STILL got two babies and one of them was a boy - LOL!! Clomid for sure… but be forewarned the twin risk is real!!! ��And you do have # of pregnancies and age to increase that risk!! Did you do the regular LE diet before? The PCOS version is great because I think cutting out sugar really does help improve your insulin response which is good for swaying pink. I lost weight SO easily doing the PCOS diet and I’m someone who has always struggled to lose weight! You'll be amazing if you do PCOS how easily the lbs melt off! I keep trying to convince myself now to go back on that diet just to lose all the baby weight I gained with the twins! Unfortunately my motivation is not as strong now as it was when I was trying to get my DD!!

OK... novel done Do what's in your heart, kitten - no regrets. We are as always going to be here to support you!! And the great thing is that while you're trying to figure all this out, you've got that sweet perfect little boy to snuggle with Baby snuggles are seriously one of the best things ever!

Wahhhhhhhh! Omg ABC literally tears in my eyes right now- I loved your "novel" every word so true and heartfelt you are such a beautiful soul.
And yes you do know me, you've seen me at my worst with gd so your insight into the situation is so appreciated I can assure you.

I also vividly remember your struggles and journey to your gorgeous twins- quite similar to Pbns story actually and I am so very happy that you have come out just one year later with those precious bundles!
You do give me hope and the way you have embraced ds3 gives me even more hope that I will bond with ds4 if that's what is meant to be for us.

Yes I absolutely did sway too long last time and I think I did that to try and take my mind off my gd with ds2.
So this time I am going to enjoy ds3 and wait patiently for my ppaf to return and then like you said hit it hard with diet, exercise one attempt etc. because Like you said getting pregnant is no trouble for us no matter what we do lol!

So glad I started this thread it has helped clarify so many things for me- I am so grateful for all of you taking the time to help me xx

[nearlyalegume]

Oh hun, I've been there.

There's that perfect little man staring up at you with his beautiful eyes, and you just explode with love for him. You'd die for him.

But there's that place inside you, that longing place, that itch that you can't seem to scratch, and the overwhelming love that you feel for your boys doesn't change that. You'd never for a moment want to be without your sons, but right now, you're without your daughter. Incomplete.

My advice? GO FOR IT. You don't regret the ones you have.

But I would advise that you go into #4 with the assumption that you will have another boy. There's a 50% chance that it'll happen, after all. Expect a boy. Plan for a boy. LOVE a boy, to the point where if you have a girl, there's a wistful moment in which you miss that fourth son you now won't have. Go into it looking at why another boy would be brilliant.

The fourth time, we didn't really bother to sway. All I did was time things so that we dtd three days before I ovulated. That's it.

We had a name chosen for him. His name would have been Evan Taliesin. I whispered it to myself from the moment we chose it until I walked into the ultrasound at 21 weeks to be told that our fourth child was actually a girl. The girl I'd longed for, and as I fought back tears of shock and joy that for once I was actually getting something that I really really wanted, I did have a moment - just a moment - as Evan vanished from my life, in which I missed him, this boy who had never actually existed.

Take the plunge. Take the chance. There's a 50% chance that you still won't get your girl if you have another, but a 100% chance that you won't if you don't. And if you do have another little boy, then perhaps it's because he will do something incredible, and you needed to bring him into the world.

[Pbn3]

Awwww Abc I LOVED your post you have a way with perfectly expressing those feels

Kitten we are going well! My boys are in love with their baby sister (they would have been as in love with a boy too I'm sure) they constantly say they love 'our' baby () and 'our' baby is the cutest hey mummy. It's been my most favourite thing by far watching my older two bond so beautifully with the her and wow are they protective of her. I'll get annoyed with her over something and they're at me saying "she can't help it mummy, she's just a baby" (thanks boys )

Like Abc so wisely pointed out, I do not for a second feel my life is perfect now because of dd, BUT I do feel a contentment that I'm unsure comes from having a dd or just the fact I was able tp have one more baby? Could be a combination of both I will be here lurking for however long it takes for you to decide what you'll do and 100% support whatever decision you make

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[4blue2pink]

4blue I just love your replies you are such a treasure and so wise!

Any tips for the pcos diet it looks so different to LE and I will definitely be doing it this time as well as exercise again for sure.

I love your story of going team green finally and yes it's so true it is only something you can experience during these short years and I am a person who wants to try everything once! It will take will power and getting dh on board but I really really think I will do it this time.

I hope pregnancy is treating you well!
Thanks again for your reply it means the world to me xx

I didnt realise you hadn't done the PCOS diet yet, this makes me excited its a totally different sway!! as ABC warns though it does cause weight to fly off if you arent careful, i felt like it had a really different effect on my body compared to the standard LE diet.
i just stuck to the basic rules of no processed sugar, wholegrains (wholegrain bread and wholewheat pasta) fruit and veg, its also got to be full-fat dairy (though i did almond milk this time), i had small bits of meat here and there but mainly left it out. daily totals are higher than they are for standard LE at around 1800cals 50-60g protein and 50-60g fat.
it does end up more expensive food-wise and i'll be honest my meals were very repetitive!! black coffee in the morning then veg soup and a pitta with humus and salad (and egg whites if i needed the protein, avocado if i needed the fat) for dinner and tea was usually either a jacket potato with some cheese and salad or pasta with veg and pesto, sweets-wise i had fruit and found that worked well.
surprisingly (sugar addict here) i didnt miss sugary foods and felt much better not eating them tmi sugar gives me a bad stomach but before this sway i stupidly ate it anyway!!
one thing i never expected from team green was how much more chilled i found the pregnancy, i knew i wasnt finding out so i just let it go and hardly thought about gender which was such a huge difference from all my other babies!! by the time i reached the end i was just excited to see who was joining us also i was surprised at how cute the unisex newborn baby-gro's are

[kittendreams]

Oh hun, I've been there.

There's that perfect little man staring up at you with his beautiful eyes, and you just explode with love for him. You'd die for him.

But there's that place inside you, that longing place, that itch that you can't seem to scratch, and the overwhelming love that you feel for your boys doesn't change that. You'd never for a moment want to be without your sons, but right now, you're without your daughter. Incomplete.

My advice? GO FOR IT. You don't regret the ones you have.

But I would advise that you go into #4 with the assumption that you will have another boy. There's a 50% chance that it'll happen, after all. Expect a boy. Plan for a boy. LOVE a boy, to the point where if you have a girl, there's a wistful moment in which you miss that fourth son you now won't have. Go into it looking at why another boy would be brilliant.

The fourth time, we didn't really bother to sway. All I did was time things so that we dtd three days before I ovulated. That's it.

We had a name chosen for him. His name would have been Evan Taliesin. I whispered it to myself from the moment we chose it until I walked into the ultrasound at 21 weeks to be told that our fourth child was actually a girl. The girl I'd longed for, and as I fought back tears of shock and joy that for once I was actually getting something that I really really wanted, I did have a moment - just a moment - as Evan vanished from my life, in which I missed him, this boy who had never actually existed.

Take the plunge. Take the chance. There's a 50% chance that you still won't get your girl if you have another, but a 100% chance that you won't if you don't. And if you do have another little boy, then perhaps it's because he will do something incredible, and you needed to bring him into the world.

"Expect a boy. Plan for a boy. LOVE a boy, to the point where if you have a girl, there's a wistful moment in which you miss that fourth son you now won't have. "

Love love love this nearlyalegume!!! Thank you truly!

Such great advice. I am so happy that you got your daughter and am in awe of your mindset going into that pregnancy!

Thanks again for replying your response was so eloquent and touching xx

[kittendreams]

Awwww Abc I LOVED your post you have a way with perfectly expressing those feels

Kitten we are going well! My boys are in love with their baby sister (they would have been as in love with a boy too I'm sure) they constantly say they love 'our' baby () and 'our' baby is the cutest hey mummy. It's been my most favourite thing by far watching my older two bond so beautifully with the her and wow are they protective of her. I'll get annoyed with her over something and they're at me saying "she can't help it mummy, she's just a baby" (thanks boys )

Like Abc so wisely pointed out, I do not for a second feel my life is perfect now because of dd, BUT I do feel a contentment that I'm unsure comes from having a dd or just the fact I was able tp have one more baby? Could be a combination of both I will be here lurking for however long it takes for you to decide what you'll do and 100% support whatever decision you make

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Thank you and please do keep popping in you are such a comfort!

My boys are so similar with their new baby- especially my 4 year old who is just enamoured with his new brother.

[ABC.2606]

Pbn - Seriously, dear lady, I couldn't have survived that journey I went through without all the love & support you gave me! I've been thinking about that recently as I've been reflecting on where I was at during this time last year. So thank you again - you are absolutely the best!!

Pbn and Kitten my boys are like that with the twins too!! They dote on them to the point where DH and I get annoyed... like, just give the babies some space already!! We knew DS1 would be like that but we've been surprised about DS2 - we thought he'd have a lot of jealousy/adjustment issues. But he's just crazy about them! Nothing like watching sweet little boys love on their younger siblings! And I think it says something about what good boy mamas we are to be raising such loving, sweet boys!

Aww and I LOVE nearlyalegume's advice too! I had really bad GD with DS2 (didn't sway really with him as I didn't know much about it then), BUT, one thing that helped is that I did have his name basically picked out before we conceived him (a big part of me I think always knew our second would be a boy as well). So I think I grew attached to him already knowing what his name would be for so long. At one point - shortly before we conceived - I pictured us having a boy-boy-girl family and it seemed perfect to me in my head. Obviously things turned out slightly differently (with my bonus DS3/twin boy!) but looking back I see how DS2 was so "meant" to be in our family and that vision of him with his name and all that I had before he was conceived I think helped me with the GD that came later.

Yea like 4b2p said it's the cutting out sugar that really makes the weight fly off!! And it did make me feel better/healthier overall - even eating way less - not having all the sugar and refined junk in my diet. Seriously I think not only is atomic's PCOS diet good for swaying pink, I think it's just a good way to eat in general! So much healthier! I didn't really eat meat during my sway (even though it is allowed on the PCOS version), but I did eat salmon sometimes. I also drank a lot of red wine for my alcohol as there is something in red wine that is supposed to help lower glucose levels.

[Pbn3]

Abc was my pleasure

Nearlyalegume your post is beautiful

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[LMSM]

Love love love reading all your ladies » responses..sooo heartwarming I *may* have ( ok, I have), she’d a few (a lot) of tears
My little « opposite » is one today, and it was seeing how your « opposites » just melted your hearts and belonged like they were always there that got me through my GD back then. Now she is here, I get it... they were just meant to be.
That comment hurt as much as it helped back when I found out, but I do truly get it now.
And definitely will be planning for a 4th of a kind...and team green.
Kitten, can’t wait for our next respective sways you know you can have ALL my pink dust, we.re only like 50 km from each other so it shouldn’t get lost on the way this time haha
Xxxx

[kittendreams]

Love love love reading all your ladies » responses..sooo heartwarming I *may* have ( ok, I have), she’d a few (a lot) of tears
My little « opposite » is one today, and it was seeing how your « opposites » just melted your hearts and belonged like they were always there that got me through my GD back then. Now she is here, I get it... they were just meant to be.
That comment hurt as much as it helped back when I found out, but I do truly get it now.
And definitely will be planning for a 4th of a kind...and team green.
Kitten, can’t wait for our next respective sways you know you can have ALL my pink dust, we.re only like 50 km from each other so it shouldn’t get lost on the way this time haha
Xxxx

Oh I was hoping this thread would help you too LMSM I know you still struggle like I do with imagining 4 of a kind and actually 4 of any gender lol!

Omgosh! Happiest of birthdays to your little miss S!!! I bet she is being spoilt rotten right now. I love birthdays so much ( other people's not mine haha) and especially my children's it is such a rewarding time. Enjoy the day with your beautiful family xx


And yes we need to get that pink and blue baby dust on a direct route this time haha!