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  1. #1
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    Northern_Shutterbug's Avatar
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    Just need to write

    Evelyn was born 45 days ago, I should be 27 weeks pregnant and happy. Instead today I'm sad, I'm sat on our kitchen floor crying.

    I've been good 90% of the time, I felt I'd moved on quite quickly and was concentrating on the LE diet, getting my cycle back and trying to get our take home baby girl. I had moments of sadness, but felt I was coping. Today feels like its hit me like a ton of bricks. I want my baby back, I don't want to be constantly monitoring what I eat and feeling hungry, I should be eating what I want, eating for my baby girl, watching my bump get bigger, not watching it get flatter.

    I packed up Evelyn's clothes last week, I put them into a box for the loft ready for the next baby, but deep down I am just sure it's going to be a boy, and if Evelyn had been a boy I would have been sad, but this time I know it's going to hit me hard. I feel like someone's teasing me, being a bully. Someone said that I didn't deserve a baby when I said how I really wanted a girl, and when we lost Evelyn they said I'd brought it on with my selfishness. Am I being selfish wanting a girl? Is this karma catching up with me?

    I am just so so sure I'll be taking that pink box full of clothes down from the loft and giving them away to other lucky mums who get what I so desperately want.
    since 2005 2008 2010.

    When our dream became a nightmare
    http://www.20-week-countdown.blogspot.com

    Failed sway due April 2014


  2. #2
    Dream Vet
    Charlee's Avatar
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    Awwww no you are NOT being punished.... sometimes fate is cruel, and this is one of those times Keeping busy helps... ANYTHING to keep your mind off the inevitable drifting back to the trauma. Writing does help... it's easier to process feelings through the written word for many people.

    I can't promise you will have a DD next time... I just found out I am probably having DS3 with this pregnancy after losing my DD last year. Am I bitter? You bet! But there is a bigger picture, and that is what I am trying to focus on. Every time I start obsessing about gender, this little voice in the back of my head reminds me that if I loose this one, I will feel like a complete tool for ever even being disappointed about having another boy. The one thing I have taken from all my losses is that feeling of being grounded... of realizing what REALLY matters.

    I commend you on your strength. Like I said before, it DOES get easier with time. You will never forget, but it won't be a daily heart break .... the only thing that truly healed me each time was having a healthy baby. So on that note, I'm sending you all the rainbow baby dust I have.
    @ 9 wks
    DS - 2004 @ 32 wks
    DS1 - 2005
    DS2 - 2007
    DD - 2012 @ 14 wks
    DS3 - 2013

    Baby is here! Born December 4th, 2013 So blessed to have 3 healthy, handsome boys!

  3. #3
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    Wanting-a-girl's Avatar
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    O northern sorry your having a rough day!

    I pray that ur next baby is a girl! What happend to u was not karma...
    ( 2004) ( 2006) (2011 )

    Aug 27th 2013


    Make a pregnancy ticker

  4. #4
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    First, I'm so very sorry for your loss
    This must be heartbreaking. No matter the gender, it's always devestating to loose a baby at that gestation. But this being your little girl just adds some extra pain because you wanted it so bad.

    I don't think it has something to do with karma. Just "bad luck".......
    You just cannot be punished for feelings because we don't control what we feel.
    Sometimes the nicest people on the planet get cancer for example. These things are not ours to be controlled.

    I'm sure your little girl will watch over her baby sister in the near future and I want you to believe that and hold on to that.
    Last edited by wilma_five; June 10th, 2013 at 02:07 PM.
    Loves of our lives:

  5. #5
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    crazyladyneedsababy's Avatar
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    awh northern, your a tower of strength. Having a bad day and being hurt and angry is normal, your grieving and there always will be bad days through the week, months, years, decades. Your not selfish at all, your amazing. I don't know how you picked yourself up and carried on but you have and this proves no matter what the future holds, you can and will handle it xxx
    mummy to 2 beautiful boys time for pink i think

    'Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up'

  6. #6
    Dreamer

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    I was in the due date group the month after you and read your entire journey. My heart truly breaks for you. I think of you OFTEN and pray that you can find peace. What happened to you is NOT karma...God has a plan...and while we do not know the WHY, we just have to trust in him. I just found out I am having DS3 and my heart is heavy and I do not know the WHY, but I am moving on with it (although the days can be difficult...and in no way do they compare to your pain, but just wanted you to know we all question WHY). Just like the above poster said, the best people often have the worst things happen to them. God has a plan. I pray that you are blessed with a healthy baby in the very near future, and fingers crossed it is a girl. Stay strong for your family and I will keep you in my prayers.
    2008 2010

  7. #7
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    Dana-Alicia's Avatar
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    No, it's not karma. Babies sometimes die. Not often, but it happens. Just like accidents happen. And illness. It's like what my doctor told me when my little girl had died: it's bad luck. There is nothing you did wrong, nothing you did to deserve this. Heck, otherwise what did a little baby do to deserve this? I don't believe in karma. Life really isn't that complicated, it just happens and this time it was you that caught a lot of bad luck I hope with all my heart you will have a healthy daughter next time.
    Mummy to a girl, born sleeping & two gorgeous & loud little boys

  8. #8
    Big Dreamer

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    So sorry for your loss.

  9. #9
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    Nature can play some cruel jokes on us and I think what happened to your little Evelyn was one of them.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I read your blog and my heart absolutely aches for you. I would expect you to have days where you end up sitting on the floor crying and can't cope, I think any loving mother would find herself in the same state if we had gone through what you went through.

    Many prayers come your way from me. I hope more than anything you find peace and acceptance. And I'll always hope you somehow, someway, get a little girl to ease the ache of the one one you lost.

    Big hugs mama!!


    My Gender Dreaming

  10. #10
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    ELP's Avatar
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    Definitely not karma but a mean roll off the dice for her I wish you a speedy bfp and a perfect little person to heal your heart xxxx

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