Writing this is the only thing I have left

[Throwaway_panther]

I'm lost and heartbroken and defeated. I sit here wondering, "Is THIS the karma from all the horrible thoughts I had about having a girl with my first pregnancy? Is this karma for me feeling so determined to have a boy at ANY cost?"

Some of you on here had messaged me or mentioned me in posts, and I appreciate that and am happy I have enough presence on this board to be noticed if I'm missing. I'm sorry to have worried anyone.

Long story "short" (since we know my posts are never short): I had been debating whether or not to TTC back in March/April because my thyroid levels -- the reasons I had miscarried my last two pregnancies -- were getting much better with the new drug and doses I was on, and I'd felt this sort of "feeling" I'd get my boy. We tested my levels at the end of March since we were testing me every 4-6 weeks or so anyway, and I assumed they'd be fine since my February bloodwork had been borderline fine.

Meanwhile, Easter came, and I had an extremely traumatic event happen with an in-law. It was a run-in that involved every possible triggering thing there could be for me -- borderline sexual assault, commentary on me needing to have a boy, etc. I'm really, really being vague because I can't bring myself to go into it much more, but it involved a couple's counselor recommending me and my DD never be around this in-law again because of the sexual nature of the touching he did to me. If any of you have followed my story on here, this was... it was exhausting to go through this again. Even though I have grown so much as to have, as my husband later told me, "Handed this person his ass," it was a huge mental set back for me.

And then I got my bloodwork back. And my levels had gone the most hypothyroid they had been since the year before we conceived my DD, when I was told to hold off trying because I'd be unlikely to conceive at those levels (this was back in the winter of 2015). This is inexplicable. This is also not the first time it has happened -- I have had now four or five times in my 15 years of no-thyroid living where my levels would either go VERY hypo or VERY hyper despite being stable or nearly stable. My endo has never been able to figure out why, especially since it has happened on every single pill at least once, and it's NOT something that happens to people with thyroidectomies. I've even occasionally had ultrasounds to see if there's any residual thyroid tissue -- none. It is a random occurrence that has altered my life dramatically multiple times, and is the scariest thing about my condition to me -- wondering if, one day, no drug or dose change will make a difference and I will simply die.

To say I felt defeated was an understatement. Between both of these things happening in a short amount of time, I felt suicidal. I half-heartedly even thought, "With how miserable and defeated I feel now, I'd probably definitely not get a boy beccause of low testosterone" (lol)

I stepped away from here because it was too hard. I felt too sad at feeling so far away from TTC: I am so, so happy for all those successfully getting pregnant and even better, getting pregnant with their DGs. I was in just too bad of a place to be able to handle other people's pregnancies.

So I dug down in and did a ton of research. Got on my endocrinologist's case about being much more aggressive with my treatment since I had a LONG way to go to get back to even being close to TTC levels (which he agreed with, and we got on in May). I ended up getting a full time job to start in the summer where my DD could come with me, which was incredibly fortunate, so I began meal prepping so food would be ready and convenient. I devoted any extra time in this period to planning my DD's first birthday party (which I went all out on ).

I figured, "Okay, I'll focus on all of this, my levels will continue to grow, we'll check them in mid-June and MAAAYBE be ready to try in June or July?" With how long thyroid levels take to adjust, this was definitely a pipe dream... but again, we were aggressively tweaking my thyroid dose.

Then one day, after months of my DH's cautious pulling out (extra cautious as, remember, my first m/c was from this method as well), my nipples burned all day and I started crying during an episode of a comedy that had NO reason to be cried over and my period was due that day but hadn't come.

At this point, I wasn't new to this game. I tested the next day -- sure enough, BFP. I'd pop BFPS for the next several days.

I was in a state of complete panic. Of ALL pregnancies in the last year outside of my DD's, this had the most against it. According to my research on thyroid forums the weeks prior to even suspecting I was pregnant, all agreed my levels (especially with no thyroid) were prime "There's no way you can get pregnant" mode. Plus, again... my husband was pulling out WAY before completion. How was there anyway this pregnancy could survive?

But I was symptomatic. Nausea came and went. Nipples stayed tender. Maybe we had changed my thyroid dose quickly enough to catch this pregnancy and make it stick?

It was not to be. The BFPs kept getting lighter, even though my husband and BFF told me to stop testing. But then I woke up this morning from the pain of the pressure of cramping and began bleeding and passing clots. Nope, thyroid levels were most likely NOT ready enough.

But that's where I turn to the forum -- what now? I am lost.

I STILL somehow got pregnant against many odds here, but had trouble keeping it. We're testing my bloodwork again this Friday, and I've already called my midwives to see if I can also test progesterone *just in case*. Incidentally, I know I don't have those other, rarer clotting disorders from testing done years ago after I had a suspected stroke (which was just a migraine with facial paralysis... lol. LONG STORY).

But if I get my levels better in the next month, is it worth trying again? I wasn't even 5w with this pregnancy -- if it's just a chemical, would it alter my sway for a boy? Am I ruining things by having a few days of snacking on junk as I mope over this loss? Is my day of nonstop crying going to lower my chances for a boy? I'm miscarrying at a full moon, too -- my ovulation will be smack dab in new moon territory after this.

I'm desperate for my boy. This pregnancy felt, again, like the answer to a question I had not yet asked. Against all odds, it was here -- I felt like he was my boy. My EDD was my own birthday. But no, third time was not the charm.

I know I'm grasping at straws because I feel so, so out of control over my body. Three miscarriages? But also, getting pregnant despite all of these hurdles in the first place? Are my eggs just really thirsty, or is my husband's precum some sort of alien species?! On my bitter days, I even think, "This is something I've read sometimes happens to people who have first born BOYS, and I didn't even get that..."

I don't know. Thank you for reading, if any of you have. I'm so desperate for my baby boy. Like the first loss, I felt it deeply it was my boy. And there was some sort of almost magical quality to these babies coming outside of my actively trying, and despite all these things against them. It just kills me that, as far as we know, I really am the thing working against them.

[kelly2017]

I don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry for all you have been through it sounds so tough, hugs x

[XXforhubby]

(((Huge Hugs))) TP! I've missed you, and I am so incredible sorry you are going through this again ! I think getting your thyroid levels rechecked and progesterone levels checked will be good. I'm hoping and praying that everything gets sorted out. I believe you will get a sticky BFP and your long awaited rainbow baby will come to you. Hang in there! We will all be here you !


8/2010 6/2013 11/2015
Baby Girl EDD 9/30/2017

[kittendreams]

I am so very sad for what you have been through. I can tell through your post that you are in a really dark, desperate and confused place in your life and I want to reach through the ether and give you a big hug and let you know it will get better.
Like every horrible time before, this will pass and you will have peace and happiness again.
I hope you get the answers you need, I hope you get the medical help you require and most of all I truly hope you get that little boy who would be so very lucky to have a mum like you xx

[Kittybear]

I'm so very sorry for this, and all of your losses I hope you find the path to health, happiness... and your boy. I wish I had more insightful or helpful things to say. I think you are doing the right thing by getting everything tested. Missed you honey xxx

[atomic sagebrush]

If any of this was karma, we'd all be right there alongside you as we all had thoughts we are ashamed of.

I'm sorry for your losses and all the ups and downs you've been through.

I can't say from here if you should TTC or not. My inclination is for you not to, not only because of the chemical (even though I doubt that even sways) and the thyroid but all those same boring things we've discussed before.

It may be that being so fertile you've gotten preggo despite the unplanned nature of it all may mean you're more blue friendly anyway. And I personally think you are a blue-friendly personality as I've said before.

The one thing I can say from here is that you very well may not O at the new moon, so please don't despair about that. You won't always O 4 days after the bleeding occurs with a chemical, it varies by quite a bit.

Huge hugs and blue dust - let me know how I can help.

[Throwaway_panther]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support, and thank you atomic for the breakdown of things that still might be blue.

Don't you recommend at least 12 months for spacing though? DD is now officially older than 12 months, and since I probably will need a solid month or so for thyroid levels, it would be 13 or 14 months. I know you like more rather than less, but we're far past my earlier pipe dream of Irish twins aren't we?

I feel like my bloodwork Friday will give me more direction, if anything. If it comes back normal, I will be so distraught to not try. Baby's a year old. I've been on HE diet, supps and exercise in some form for 17 months. Still no hope to get blue? I feel like I've been in a TTC hell for almost 2 years now, not getting my boy...

If it comes back not optimal still, there's no way I could try in good conscience. I'd have to wait one, two... maybe three months. And hope my levels don't go haywire again. But then I'd also have to face the reality of using better protection in sex with my husband while desperately wanting my baby boy... since condoms are not a good thing in this house (long story... possible latex allergy discovered), maybe abstaining completely around the week of my O but having him release nowhere near me (I'm literally thinking not even the same room at this point lol) EOD would still keep him blue, right?

I'm so miserable. I don't think I will ever be anything but fearful from a BFP again. I had a panic attack a few days before losing this one because I couldn't see it sticking. I can't even take my DD out to the park because seeing little boys feels like a dagger in my heart. Little boys still gravitate to me even in the grocery store and I want to cry every time it does. And now I feel powerless to even try and carry them, and that waiting over a year to actively make a go at a boy is still not enough

I wish I could stay in my house and not leave or interact with anyone until I was carrying my healthy baby boy.

[Kittybear]

Oh honey... sending massive hugs from across the pond (((()))). Xxx

[Pinkmama]

I feel sooo much like you do, but the other way around. I have a boy and long for a girl.
I'm so sorry about your losses
You sound like an anxious person, like me. We see every month we have to wait to make our dream come true like a year. I felt so identified when you say you been in this TTC hell for almost 2 years...I feel the same way. I look back and all I see is tears, and begging and more tears
My advice is, try, please try, to be calm. Mindfulness and CBT helped me in that way, a bit.
Try to enjoy your daughter, I put myself that goal everyday with my son.
And you NEED to get those thyroid levels in order before TTC.
I really hope you can solve the thyroid issue soon and start trying for your boy.
A big hug from cyberspace


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[Throwaway_panther]

I feel sooo much like you do, but the other way around. I have a boy and long for a girl.
I'm so sorry about your losses
You sound like an anxious person, like me. We see every month we have to wait to make our dream come true like a year. I felt so identified when you say you been in this TTC hell for almost 2 years...I feel the same way. I look back and all I see is tears, and begging and more tears
My advice is, try, please try, to be calm. Mindfulness and CBT helped me in that way, a bit.
Try to enjoy your daughter, I put myself that goal everyday with my son.
And you NEED to get those thyroid levels in order before TTC.
I really hope you can solve the thyroid issue soon and start trying for your boy.
A big hug from cyberspace


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I'm in CBT, but I'm caught between appointments which is why I think I'm coming off so unhinged. I feel that way.

Yes, I want to make clear... I won't try until my levels are optimal. That would definitely be self destructive at this point -- we know what would happen. But if they somehow are better... I need to have my baby boy. I need to. I've done so much self reflection, so much waiting, so much work, so many changes. These surprise pregnancies always felt like the biggest sign... like I was being tossed a bone. Then yanked away.

I know I must he coming off awful, and I'm sorry for that.