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  1. #1
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    tm29's Avatar
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    Why I'm not finding out

    We went to our 20week scan today - I'm 19+4 - and we decided not to ask the sonographer to confirm or to contradict what we were told at 14 weeks. I reacted really badly to being told at 14 weeks that I was having a girl, and when I posted the shot on GD a lot of people said 'GIRL!' too and I felt like they were all confirming it. What I never took into account is the fact that the scan pic I posted does indeed look like a girl shot - but that doesn't mean there couldn't have been another shot taken at 15 weeks which looked like a boy. I know the angles don't change - but they are very hard to judge, and scrotal sacks can drop at different stages and probably wouldn't have by 14 weeks.

    The whole experience has been awful and I would never recommend a gender/sexing scan before 16 weeks to anyone. You get thrown into needless uncertainty. I had a very experienced NHS Ultrasound technician agree with this 100% today. She said they regularly make mistakes at 20 weeks too. And yes she was qualified and certainly did know about nub theory! She told me to forget the results of the 14 week scan - and I am going to try.

    One thing all this made me feel strongly is that we need to be gentle when people post their scans on here. Sometimes there is huge vulnerability and hope behind the question 'boy or girl? Please don't respond to this by telling me about angles and percentages - there are still plenty of mistakes made.

  2. #2
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    Ok, PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS RUDELY. It's a honest question with no negativity behind it, but what do you mean by gently? I'm just asking because a lot of women come on here asking what their baby is and how else can you answer by saying either boy! Or girl! ?? Again please know I'm asking so I can be more sensitive to people in the future and not because I'm trying to be rude.
    Thank you God and Our Lady
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    Dec '12, Feb '13, July '15

  3. #3
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    tm29's Avatar
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    I guess if someone announces the fact they want one or the other gender or you have reason to suspect they might, or if the scan picture is pre-20 weeks. After my experience I would never just say "BOY! congrats!' to someone - when I have no idea if thats what they'd be hoping to hear.

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  5. #4
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    Well.....if someone asks a question like "can you tell me the gender?" or "Am I having a pink or blue bundle inside?" then they want to hear "boy" or "girl". Most people already know it's not a professionel guess and there is a lot of room for error. They just want to know what other people think of the scan.
    'Looks blue' 'thinking pink' 'girl' 'boy' In the end they all hurt if you really had your heart set on the opposite. Most of us can totally relate to the pain that's called GD and want to support you as much as they can! All the ladies on here or just lovely and if you really have a little girl in there we are all here for you, for comfort and help with maybe a boy sway or going HT in the future (or whatever you have in mind offcourse).

    (my english is not so good so sorry for the errors in the text)
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  6. #5
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    Thanks wilma_five - that's really sweet. I know everyone is lovely on here and I know everyone understands hoping for a girl or a boy... It's just that a one word reply, or a teddy bear of either blue or pink doesn't necessarily convey a lot of empathy. 'I think this is likely to be a girl but I'm not a professional and if you need support we're all here' is a very different kind of reply

  7. #6
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    You asked a question on a public forum viewed 500,000 times a month. If you ask "what is it", we are going to answer. It's that simple. Nobody is rooting against you but when you ask and we think we know, we will answer you.

    I'm sorry it wasn't the gender you wanted to hear. Of course at 14 weeks anyone can be wrong but when YOU keep bumping the post and asking and asking for more opinions, the people will give them to you!

    If you don't want to know, the best thing to do is NOT post your u/s scan and do not ask the public what they think. Nobody here has done anything wrong. I understand why you are upset and disappointed but you are directing that at everyone here and it's not our fault for answering your posts.
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  8. #7
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    I am sorry that this has been a tough situation for you. I completely get not finding out because you are scared to hear what you dont want to hear. I have this debate with myself almost daily. One day I am definitely going to find out so I can start preparing one way or the other, and the next day I am not finding out because I know I will love the baby unconditionally at birth then I can fore-go all the GD I am likely to suffer if this baby is another boy.

    However, this babies sex has already been determined and nothing is going to make that change. Not finding out simply because you are scared that people on this website already confirmed what you didnt want to hear seems off to me. I hope you dont take that the wrong way, because I am all for going team green, but it doesnt seem like you really want to be team green! It seems like you just dont want to hear what you are afraid you already know. I hope things work out for you in the end and you know that there are people here that can and will offer support and kind words if/when GD rears its ugly head! Nothingbutpink is right, these ladies were only trying to do what you asked of them!!
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    Moving on to swaying a praying! Hopefully there is a beautiful pink bundle in our future but if not, at least we make pretty boys

  9. #8
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    Many post the scans because they want to know what others think, if they didn't then they wouldn't post it in the first place. I can't wait to be able to hopefully share my nub scan photo with everyone- if only i got a bfp.
    Also we are all gender dreaming here and are all in the same boat and we all want one thing the same which is a healthy baby regardless, so what ever the sex many be I think that deserves a congratulations.

    I really hope that you get your healthy baby boy but if not then I know you will love it all the same.

    Good luck and looking forward to hearing the good news in a few months.

    Xx
    Please have a go at guessing my nub http://genderdreaming.com/forum/ultr...ing-guess.html

    My sensitive autistic aged 7 and my cheeky chappy aged 5

  10. #9
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    I am really sorry you have had a hard time and had worry over the early scan guesses. I think this is a situation where, if you want people to treat their replies carefully, you need to ask for it. When I post mine I will want honest replies and am happy with straight "girl" or "boy" guesses, but everyone is different. If you mention what your hopes were, that you feel delicate about it, and can people please be gentle with their replies, then of course we will all oblige. We are all here because we hope for a particular outcome and all understand GD.
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  11. #10
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    meeks32 - I absolutely did mention my hopes when I posted.

    But I really didn't just say this about me. I see it on others' posts. I think if someone asks and, like I did, expresses their hope, then I will make sure to say something gentle - not just 'GIRL! CONGRATS.'

    No one has done anything wrong - I'm really not saying that. And I know that the real pain comes from not hearing what you want to hear, but I still think that we can make sure there is a sense of gentleness in the response. There is often no gentleness from doctors/nurses who don't understand the feelings after all. But everyone on this site does understand the feelings. This is not just a complaint about my own experience - I see that some of you have read it that way - I guess it's a deepening understanding of an issue I had no idea existed before I got pregnant and found this site. I'm learning and I want to find ways to be gentle to people who go through GD. I think every little bit of kindness counts to people in the thick of GD. That's what I'm learning from my experience - yes - but also from the experiences of so many other lovely women on this site. This isn't just a personal rant - it's that I see a way for us to be more supportive, more careful with each other and I wanted to say it because I know it will be understood by a group of kind women.

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