TTC Apprehension

[Rabbitmama85]

This is going to sound like a weird emo post. We are at that "time limit" for TTC #3. We are not -that- old, but DH doesn't want to wait much longer because his dad was older with kids, and he felt like his dad just couldn't do dad things because he had more "old people" physical limits. The problem is, I'm not even a little in the mindset of wanting another kid right now. With my second, I was "yeah, lets do this, it will be great". Right now I'm more like, "omg these kids are so much work, and I'm just not sure I want to add another one."

We moved last year, which completely flipped my happy "everything is perfect" bubble (worst mistake ever). And I feel like I'm finally getting back into a routine...not as smooth as it was before, but much better. Additionally, I'm just feeling down right now. I lost a family member this year, and so some of it is grief, but even on days where I'm not visibly grieving, I still feel disconnected (the holidays seem to be drawing it out more). So I'm concerned about being pregnant/TTC while going through whatever you call this feeling.

I'm also much more over weight than I ever have been, and so I'm concerned about pregnancy complications because of it (planning my second home VBAC).

So in general feeling apprehensive about taking the next step. My husband is of the mindset that either we are getting pregnant this year, or we are done. I will only TTC for guess dates between February - October, because I will not have a baby around the holidays...which means I only have another month or so before I have to start the boy diet/get my IUD out and get myself prepared for the emotional ups and downs of TTC. I want a 3rd kid, always have, but I'm just not feeling it right now....

Does anyone have any wise words of advice or ever felt like this as they were TTC?

[moose5]

If you are not emotionally ready for it try to wait a little while longer. I'm sure another year or two won't make or break things.


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[XXforhubby]

You know, this is a tough one. I would say, if you're not feeling it now, how will you feel if you got pregnant? I would table it for now, and see how you feel come February. If you still feel the way you do, I would recommend you wait. Having another child is stressful (Good stress, but still stress), and it is important that both of you are on the same page.

I'll tell you my story, if it helps you any. I want a 4th child, and my DH is just now on board and we have been trying since February 2016. He has been showing up to do his part, but he only very recently said he feels like having a 4th child fits with our family dynamics. I tell you, if I would have gotten pregnant before now, he would have come around but it would have been very touchy. If that is how you feel, then I think you should tell your DH your feelings because having a child before you're ready to will only make things worse.

FX and GL with whatever you decide!



DS1, DS2, & DS3
One Last Pink Sway
My Ovulation Chart

[Rabbitmama85]

We actually did have a good talk about it tonight. And by the end of the talk, I was feeling better about it. The fears I have, he seems to feel will be fine, and the fears he has, I think will be fine. The only thing that is still bugging me is my down-in-the-dumps feelings that I can't seem to fix, and the extra weight I need to lose.

So I was feeling all fine, then my kids went and had a meltdown going to bed - and it was a bad one. They really have outstanding timing...

I still think that by the time I get pregnant, and the long months of pregnancy...I think we will feel ready by then...who the heck knows? Lol. I wasn't really wanting to try with #1, he insisted, we survived. He wasn't ready for #2, I insisted, we survived. I think that we are both going into this cautiously means that we are at least on the same page this time, lol. I think the thing that is bugging him the most is fear over having a 3rd girl. He's worried that they will be too much for him to handle as teenagers.

[XXforhubby]

Good! I hear you on kids having great timing. The same thing happened to us! GL with your decision, and I look forward to seeing you on the boards! When you decide to start to TTC, come join us in the 2WW thread. It's usually named after the month. This one is Dreamy December, for example.



DS1, DS2, & DS3
One Last Pink Sway
My Ovulation Chart

[Throwaway_panther]

I feel you, this is a hard place to be in. I feel like planning to have another child -- especially when gender desire is on the line -- almost seems harder than the unknown of trying to plan the first!

My thoughts:
1. It's your body. No matter what sort of pressure or feelings he has because of his age, his whatever... it's you who will be doing the heavy work here. You make the call, and he should respect that since he's not going through the body changes and labor (plus all the stuff after).
2. How old exactly is you guys getting older? If he's in his 50s, I can see it. If he's in his 30s... ehh, he might just be going through the weird early-mid-life crisis I seem to see men go through in their mid to late-30s. I get his feelings based on his own upbringing, but times are very different now -- people have kids older, we're able to be healthier longer, etc. 40 is the new 30 and all that.
3. For you -- if you're not feeling it, maybe wait a little longer. You're not really planning until February to try anyway, so you have a month or two to think about things more. It helps to keep talking and writing about things, whether with your husband, here or with a therapist, too -- that's how we can process our feelings and get to a firmer conclusion. Maybe a third child could be the thing to take you OUT of the grief of losing a loved one, or can help be something new and different to help you out in your new home. There's different ways to look at things.
4. As for the sex/gender stuff -- I don't think it would hurt to get the IUD out and use protection, since that sways girl and it'd be nice to have some spacing there. Losing weight might be tricky, too, in the build up to a boy sway. I assume IVF/PGD isn't in the cards, either?

I feel for you. It's so hard -- and the "make or break" sex of the next child makes that decision even harder. I'm always of the mindset that ultimately, it's your body -- you need to do what is best for YOU, because what is best for you will ultimately be what's best for your husband and family. If that means holding off on a kid, even if your husband wants want now, so be it. If that means making hard decisions when it comes to the next kid's sex, so be it.

[Throwaway_panther]

I'd also add: nothing gets me angrier than the "worried about girls as teenagers" mindset.

I'm not sure where that stereotype keeps coming from -- I've known so many all-girl families, and there wasn't ever this weird "life is hell" period while they went through adolescence. Adolescence is hard for everyone, and every teen -- regardless of sex -- is going to have ups and downs. Hormones suck for everyone, but everyone also deals with them differently -- I mean, a girl having one crabby day every so often from PMS is no better or worse than the boy who wrestles with testosterone surges and has his own mood swings. So unsure as to why the girls get the bad rap... is it media depictions or someone just anecdotally knowing ONE girl who had it rough?

If anything, I have to wonder if the men who worry about that are thinking about themselves as teenagers and how they treated girls...

Not to attack your husband here -- I'd just point all of that out to him. There is no way to predict how kids will be as teenagers, nor that there is some guarantee that it will be harder with all girls.

[atomic sagebrush]

Well, as an older parent I will say that "old people limits" are what you make of them. My husband is 47 years old and is still very able to get cray with the kids (and has way more free time than he did when our first two were small) and I, if anything, have more energy than I did when I was young for a variety of reasons. So that may be something that a person can mitigate by staying active and healthy and just that people in the "younger than baby boomer" generations are more in the mindset of doing than older folks.

I hear you on the moving thing. Turned my world upside down too. It is much harder than people think to get settled back in again. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Is there any way to negotiate this even if just for one more year?? One more year is not going to turn a young healthy guy into an invalid but it very well may be just right for you to catch your breath and feel more settled. Having kids, boom, boom, boom is never easy under ideal circumstances and it really is a lot easier even with just a few months of age on them.

If he won't negotiate I would go for it anyway - because I'd be too worried about the regrets. It does get easier over time, when I had 3 littelz it was really hard, but it has gotten exponentially easier the last couple years.

[atomic sagebrush]

I'd also add: nothing gets me angrier than the "worried about girls as teenagers" mindset.

I'm not sure where that stereotype keeps coming from -- I've known so many all-girl families, and there wasn't ever this weird "life is hell" period while they went through adolescence. Adolescence is hard for everyone, and every teen -- regardless of sex -- is going to have ups and downs. Hormones suck for everyone, but everyone also deals with them differently -- I mean, a girl having one crabby day every so often from PMS is no better or worse than the boy who wrestles with testosterone surges and has his own mood swings. So unsure as to why the girls get the bad rap... is it media depictions or someone just anecdotally knowing ONE girl who had it rough?

If anything, I have to wonder if the men who worry about that are thinking about themselves as teenagers and how they treated girls...

Not to attack your husband here -- I'd just point all of that out to him. There is no way to predict how kids will be as teenagers, nor that there is some guarantee that it will be harder with all girls.

JMO but I think this is a salvo/platitude originally meant to soothe moms of all boys or who are actively raising little fellers.

Boys really ARE harder (on average, with many exceptions, please no comments) than girls when they are little. So I think some clever someone started saying that to make moms in the throes of struggling with young boys feel better about that. Then it just caught on, aided in part I'm sure by the universal belief that women are hormonal trainwrecks half the month or whatever. But it isn't true and I'm sure we've all seen plenty of difficult boy teens (my brother was a complete hellion OMGOMG my poor mother). It is not anyone's fault for worrying about that, after all when someone hears people say it 700 times ya start to wonder if there is something to it.

I can think of tons of very quiet, responsible teenage girls. This is just one of those crazy things people say like "are you working hard, or are you hardly working" when the situation arises that none of them ever really put one second of thought into.

[Rabbitmama85]

Thanks, I meant no disrespect to anyone on "who's harder - boys or girls".

I really am feeling better about it, I do want to lose weight, but we know that it could take a bit to get pregnant. We've been talking about it daily, and really trying to wrap our heads around it, and it seems to be becoming more real each time.

AS- I'm sending you a PM about the meal plans.