Having trouble staying positive

[momamia4]

So, I'm 4w3d pregnant and my hcg from 2 days ago was only 28 and my progesterone was only 7.1. I'm having a really hard time staying positive. After my mc last year, it just seems like it's happening all over again. I have done a lot of consulting with Dr. Google and have found that it basically is a 50/50 chance of having a successful pregnancy with numbers so low. I took a ClearBlue weeks estimator test today that came back as Pregnant 1-2 weeks which is better than the negative that I got a few days ago. I am just feeling like taking the progesterone is just delaying the inevitable and I'm never going to have another baby. I feel like I wasted a lot of money on the tubal reversal for horrible results. I feel like my body is betraying me. I feel like a failure. I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. The nurse at my RE's office apparently remembered from last year that I would prefer not to hear her interpretation of my results but she did mention that she thinks the progesterone is pointless. I feel like continuing to try is pointless because it doesn't seem like it's ever going to be a good outcome. I'm not sure what to do with myself. It seems like sometimes I feel ok about this pregnancy and then other times I just get really, really down about it. Sorry for rambling but I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I haven't told anyone in real life that I'm pregnant, except my DH and I feel bad bombarding him with all of my worry when I know he's really worried too.

[ksmom]

I'm so sorry Momamia. I know this has been such a long road for you. Please stay away from Google as it only makes the worry even greater. It really shouldn't be the individual beta number that matters but that it's doubling in the appropriate amount of time. My beta was a 16 at my first draw and when the RE's office called me, the nurse basically said I was going to miscarry yet here I am nearly 18 weeks along. Are you going to have a repeat draw? That's really the only way to know but it is good that the CB test is now positive. It's okay to have some apprehension about the future of this pregnancy given your past losses. Having a miscarriage(s) robs a person of the "innocence" of pregnancy and it sucks. Feel free to vent here any time. We're here for you. Big hugs!

[momamia4]

Thanks ksmom! I am having a repeat on Saturday and then every 4 days until I get to 2,000. At that point my RE will do an ultrasound to make sure the baby is in my uterus. I'm just stressing because my levels are lower than they were with my last miscarriage at this point. I hope they double appropriately.

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[Pbn3]

Hugs momamia. I'm so sorry to see this after seeing you post a bfp. I hope your numbers continue to grow but can also understand your concern. As ksmom said, you lose the innocence of pregnancy after having a miscarriage. Instead of feeling elated you feel a sense of dread that it wont work out and never will. Hang in there and vent anytime. I'll be crossing everything for a good number next draw xxoo

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[momamia4]

Thank you, Pbn3!! I really appreciate the support of this site. It's amazing! It really means a lot to me that you guys support me.

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[atomic sagebrush]

One HCG draw doesn't mean anything. You can start off with a level of 0-5 and all this is normal range and can vary between pregnancies by individual. Since it doubles, if you start off with 0 HCG then you'd end up with a much lower HCG level in one pregnancy vs. another if you started off HCG of 5. things are ok right now, you're pregnant and we have to simply wait and see what will happen later on.

I do want to mention (and I"m sorry if this is unwelcome) that progesterone is actually pointless. You need to continue it now in this pregnancy since you've been taking it, but studies have shown that prog. supplements do nothing to help you get or stay pregnant. They are a placebo. A healthy pregnancy will signal the body to make enough progesterone, and a pregnancy that isn't sending that signal is one that isn't working out and all the progesterone does is delay the inevitable. I do want to reiterate that you MUST continue it now that you've started it but moving forward in the future you may not want to do them in future conceptions because as I'm sure you know they are a very large nuisance that may be giving you no benefit whatsoever.

[momamia4]

Well, it gives me peace of mind and after my history of pregnancy and infant loss, that's enough to make it worth it for me. I don't really care what anyone else's thoughts are about it.

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[purple]

Sorry you aren't feeling very positive at the moment Have you been testing with other tests to see the line change? I don't really recommend this but I have done it using the ebay cheapie tests because I have had such a weird start with this pregnancy and with all the blood tests I wanted to be 'prepared' for what they were going to tell me.

Fx you see those numbers go up nicely on Saturday.

[momamia4]

I was but then I stopped. It was stressing me out too much. I might tomorrow morning before I go for my next blood test.

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[atomic sagebrush]

Well, it gives me peace of mind and after my history of pregnancy and infant loss, that's enough to make it worth it for me. I don't really care what anyone else's thoughts are about it.

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And that is fine, I just wanted you to know that in case it is something that you would prefer not to skip that is causing you more mental stress than it would otherwise. Some people are very happy to go on without it and others aren't and that's just a choice that every individual can make for themselves.