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November 6th, 2018, 07:53 AM #21Dream Vet
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Dreams I have found can be exceptionally cruel.
In late December of last year, very early January of this year while we waited on the PGS results from our first IVF cycle (where only 2 embryos had survived), I woke from the most vivid dream of my life, and it was of twin boys. I had every detail of labor (giving birth on all fours, though only remembering giving birth to one) before seeing them as small children. Two small blonde boys, one silent while the other told me, "You're our mommy!" I lived a whole early life with them. I woke from that dream with a feeling I don't know if I'll ever get back -- the only thing I think that could ever satisfy that feeling is to actually have my son. And there is always this ache for twin boys since then, too.
Our PGS results came back: 1 normal XX, 1 abnormal XY. Clearly weren't my twin boys. We said we'd immediately start another cycle, and waited for DH to return from an out of town trip. We were not TTC.
I accidentally got pregnant. And we found out it was twins essentially right as I lost them.
That dream, and that month, will forever haunt me. And while I have a friend who is very "in touch" with spiritual things point out that my dream happened right at the time I'm due with this baby now, and apparently there is a book about "spirit babies" reaching us in dreams and that was prophetic -- I just don't believe in any of that, especially not anymore. Especially when by that logic, this very vivid dream of a dark eyed/dair haired copy of my DD would imply that's my spiritual baby too, right? Sometimes I'll pity myself and think it's my already existing XX -- our healthy, frozen girl embryos I swore I would consider if I could just get my boy first. But I am definitely not one of those people who gives myself false hope Based on atomic's rec, I am definitely someone who could go Team Green forever haha. I never actually think I'm going to get what I want.
Except I thought I would before the cycle I conceived this baby. I wonder where that feeling came from. It seems so far away and foreign now.
But I also had a dream that left me with immense peace a few weeks ago where I met my (also dark haired) son as a teenager. And that dream had a lot wrapped up in it, too (it was a recurring anxiety dream I have, only HE was in it and I was struck in the dream of, 'Oh, I'm breaking this dream cycle!').
I think this is the heartbroken atheist's (me) attempt to grasp any sort of control or foresight and I'm just left sad either way.
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November 6th, 2018, 08:21 AM #22
Wow Throwaway, I have to say I actually look out for your posts. I find them so deep and thought provoking. You have such a way with words and I really like the way you write.
On another thread where you posted about your dreams I really agreed with another poster who said about our brains and dreams focusing on our deepest desires or fears.
GD and the pressure of swaying is so all consuming, it becomes such a huge focus when we are awake it is bound to creep in to our subconscious. Our emotions govern our behaviours.
I know you’re team green, when are you due? I wanted you to know that someone you don’t know, who’s on the other side of the world to you, is thinking of you. I am so rooting for you. More than I think I’ve wanted it for anyone else. You deserve that little boy, curly haired or blonde, I really think he’s coming.
Lil
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Post Thanks / Like - 1 Thanks, 0 Likes, 0 DislikesThrowaway_panther thanked for this post
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November 6th, 2018, 08:32 AM #23
True enough and I hope for you you will get your son. I guess even when things are looking grim and with no hope of ever going back up one day, we humans try to grasp something, anything, be it a belief, a dream, a last attempt at whatever... yes, maybe just to get any sort of control on what's happenning, even more so when we feel wwe don't deserve it... Or it is just survival instinct, because the pain is very real, as real as a physical wound. Hm that makes me think... If I'm not mistaken, there were studies about negative feelings really hurting as much as a physical hit. Something like our brain sending the same kind of signals as when you are knifed or worse, crushed.
2014 ------- surprise 2016
Dreaming of a
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December 6th, 2018, 06:59 AM #24Dream Vet
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I wanted to let you know since I never commented -- I really appreciate this comment and have reread it a few times. It means a ton that you like my writing too (it's my tool of the trade, and I've actually written about loss for some major baby blogs!). I'm due Jan. 1-3ish.
I appreciate the rooting. I hope all of you are right with your hopes, but I am already anticipating how to navigate the despair I'll feel from not getting my boy after all of this
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Post Thanks / Like - 0 Thanks, 1 Likes, 0 DislikesMiaMelb liked this post
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December 6th, 2018, 07:16 AM #25
Tp think of u and i still pray u will have a boy
7/1/2014
2/23/2019
Praying for one more baby girl 2020-2021
https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/5eaa0f
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December 6th, 2018, 01:10 PM #26
You've been on my mind up in Canada as well. Hope you're feeling ok in your final weeks
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December 6th, 2018, 05:15 PM #27Dream Vet
Please don't despair, we are all rooting for you and just say this baby isn't your boy he will come! Could you try the ivf again? Or another baby? I so hope this is your baby boy I'm sure you're feeling anxious in the build up x
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December 6th, 2018, 05:35 PM #28
Rooting for you here too! I know exactly how you feel (only opposite gender) and my heart aches for you. I hope so much this is your boy! But no matter what, for you and for me, we will love these precious little ones despite their gender. I’m glad you have another chance at it too it sounds like!
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December 6th, 2018, 09:41 PM #29
Came across this as I am thinking of attempting a boy sway after 3 girls. I enjoy reading about your sway and conception also! I know that I would also be team green if we decided to try again. I would rather meet her than know she was in there and feel sad about it. I love all 3 of my daughters incredibly much, but too have had dreams of that boy. Good luck to you! Blue dust!
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December 7th, 2018, 04:25 AM #30Dream Vet
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IVF is completely out of the picture, we could never afford another cycle. Another baby is the only option, but DH has been doing even more girl friendly things and this pregnancy has been very difficult, so the future tries look a lot bleaker. There's also the reality that I couldn't weather more miscarriages.
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So happy for you Treens, congratulations Sent from my SM-A225F using Tapatalk
Healthy baby girl :)