Am I alone in my struggle

[pinkplspls]

this website is really amazing, i've been reading through all the info on here for a really long time, i swayed once before following some IG rules & got twin boys.
i've got the personal plan and the diet plan which are fantastic.

i very recently lost a baby, a fair few weeks into my second trimester, which was devestating, i learned when they autopsied the remains that baby had a brain abnormality and was a little boy.
i thought this might soften the blow of the loss, make things easier, given i long for a DD, but i've realised this last week that actually it didnt, loosing a baby is one of the hardest things, healthy or not, blue or pink

when my twins were born in 2011 one of them also had a brain abnormality, the first year of his life was really hard, we practically lived in hospital with him, i was told he needed my breastmilk but obviously he couldnt feed directly from me, being he was a twin, i bf his healthy brother for 10 months to keep my milk up, whenever i wasnt feeding him, i pumped my milk for my baby in hospital. i also had to make sure my 2yr old didnt suffer. they tell me his being fed by me may have helped save his life, i really hope there is some truth in that, because all the time we were going through this, and my poor baby was fighting for his life, i was also suffering massive gender dissapointment, which sounds absolutely disgusting when i admit it now.

i was at one point during the pregnancy given the option to terminate, or selectively reduce the unhealthy fetus but the risk of loosing the healthy one was so great. i chose to keep them, i could never terminate a healthy baby but there was a part of me for a split second that hesitated.. i know i wouldnt of thought for a second if they were girls.



i'm finding getting over this recent loss really tough, i have this acne type skin problem that has just flared up in the last week, over my chest and back. i'm sure its hormonal. i am bleeding on and off, think i've had my first cycle but i have started spotting just 8 days after what i am guessing was ovulation. so looks like a luteal phase defect

our little boy had his first MRI scan yesterday, since all his major operations last year, he needed a general and whilst this time it was just for diagnostic, its so heartbreaking to see your 2yr old baby wheeled down to theatre after signing a consent form that you accept something 'could' go wrong.

i'm sorry for the lengthy boring post, its just nice to write things down sometimes and explain where i'm coming from.

.......anyway, the reason for the post, is coz, i am really struggling with the diet, i think and hope that its a phase, because of my mindset this week and recent extra stress.
i got my plan last week, and know of the importance of the diet. when i first started it i was doing really well, staying within daily limits, but this weekend has been disastrous. i've eaten so much. i long for and want a daughter more than anything in the world, from before i even concieved my first DS.

i dream about her every day, and all night, i thought and feel like i would do anything, and yet i am finding dieting so hard? has anyone else struggled?
my wonderful DH bless him, has switched to soy milk in his tea and coffee, is taking Olive Leaf, even turned veggie, and i cant even keep up my part of the sway? he's only doing it for me, he is perfectly happy with our three boys, especially given the extra care DS3 needs, but i cant let go of my dream.



maybe being a bit skint this week hasnt helped, i've not done a pink diet shop yet, all there seems to be in the cupboard is the kiddies sweets and cakes. when i am stressed or upset i always turn to food


i so dont want to delay my sway unnecessarily, i already feel like it could take months to get pg, given that my cycle is all over the place.

i know the only person who can really do this is me, i guess i just need to stop letting things get me down, and tell myself that this sway is to give myself a better chance of acheiving the one dream that i've always had, that i so long to make true.


sorry for the rant :tissue::tissue: gues i'm having a really bad day


this website / automic and all the ladies who have given me advice so far are amazing, i feel better already just for typing it down! i just need to stop stuffing my face :(:nyd:

[Dreamofpink]

Please don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds as if you've had an incredibly tough few years, you obviously have a strength within that has got you through it. It is a very difficult having a baby in hospital long-term & it sounds like you did a wonderful job for both of your babies at that time. The diet does feel strange to begin with, but there are so many wonderfully supportive ladies on here that will help you along. We all understand that deep yearning/need for your DG. Don't worry about venting if you need to either! :hugs:

Sent from my LG-E400 using Tapatalk 2

[HopeandDreamG]

Is there a genetic/ chromosomal issue going on? If so have you considered going HT and using pgd? If you have insurance coverage and it's chromosomal insurance will pay for your ivf.

[pinkplspls]

Hihopeanddream, its called Dandy Walker.
i'm from the UK, i've tried to go through every channel possible to attempt pgd given my history (which as u may know is illegal here unless its due to a genetic disorder) Dandy Walker is not on the list, getting it added will not be an overnight task, they tell me there are still known cases of females with the condition??! Although the genetic counsellor we saw when our son was born advised us there are simple reasons it does not occur in XX embryos because certain cerebral membranes in girls are slightly thinner than a boys during earliest gestation.

Swaying is the only was for me to attempt to tip the odds in my favour, i just wish i found it easier to diet while i'm so stressed out.

[3boys531]

I agree with HopeandDream. Maybe this could be your answer.

[Adia]

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine your anguish and all the sadness in your heart. My heart absolutely aches for you and your babies.

IMO, I think you should wait. Unless you are near the end of your baby making years and the clock is ticking really loud, I think you should give it a while to recover from all that you have gone through. From what I know stress isn't good while swaying any gender and swaying is stressful enough.

Can you wait a year or two? It sounds like your oldest is about 4 and your twins are about 2yrs old. I know most people love no more than a 2 year gap between babies but you and your family have suffered so much. Giving things time to calm down may be in everyone's best interest. Maybe you could get your baby healthy and in nursery school and then focus on swaying.

HTH, big hugs mama.

[3boys531]

That is crazy its not on the list. I wonder if its on the list in another country.

[luckyfourleafclover]

you are very strong and you have had such a tough few years...you must not feel guilty about how you feel you are an amazing mum to your boys.

I pray that you will get you DD one day and I also pray that they put your son's condition on the goddam list soon.

[Funkyfry]

My heart goes out to you. You have been through such a tough time and u am so sorry for your loss.

The diet can be tough especially if your not in
The mindset for it. I don't know what to say but I wish you the best and hope that you get your precious healthy baby girl xx

[atomic sagebrush]

I wonder if it's partially your body trying to recover from the process of losing a baby that is making you so hungry, in which case you need to be forgiving of yourself and just give it time. Thinking of you!!!

[Prepsina2014]

Hi :)
I just want to send you a big hug and tell you that I PERFECTLY understand your worry for your son. My son, too, was very ill as a baby and I have seen him in general anesthetic way too many times (3 in 8 months). I, too, have had strong GD since even before TTC and it is perfectly ok. A lot of women feel that way and won't admit it. It does not mean you love your sons any less. I love my son so much it can physically hurt :)
I just lost a baby girl in week 11 due to a chromosomal defect. We had the pregnancy terminated 3 weeks ago. The baby was a girl and a result of LE diet, so it CAN work :) I have started the diet again and finding it hard but I know it is the right way forward for me.
I really really found the LE diet hard in the beginning, but - once you have recovered and feel better (like Atomic said)- give it another go and start up slow and easy. Going from normal eating straight to LE diet is maybe too tough for you. I eased into it... And it worked.
Lots of warm thoughts and my very best wishes for you!
(the post might be a bit messy - I am on my way to work but really wanted to write to you before I go)

[pinkplspls]

prepsina,
Thank u so much, i cant imagine what it must of felt like to loose a baby girl, i definitely think it would of been worse for me had my baby been a girl, but i was on a totally wrong diet when we concieved - high in protien & nuts with no dairy etc.
So you've injected even more hope into the fact that the LE diet can work.
I am easing into it trying to do it to suit me for a while then will get stricter.

This site is so wonderful, so many women who dont think i'm crazy. My real friends cant understand what i'm on about when i talk about such a strong desire for a daughter

[prayingthisworks]

I to have lost a baby. She was 4 months old and I completely understand the desire to want a girl. We wanted to have another baby soon after so I also understand that. I wanted that baby to be a girl so bad. I was torn when we found out it was a boy. Looking back now (hes 18 months) I am so glad it was a boy. There is no way I could of handled having a girl so soon.

It's simply hard to even put into words the desire to want one gender after losing a baby.

WE to are now swaying for our 3rd baby. I know if we end up having another boy I will be devastated! This is our last baby.
I went to my RE and discussed all of this with him. He swore to me that diet has nothing to do with swaying. He said only timing sways. He believes in Shettles he says it will give you 70/30 (for a girl) at most. Yet, I am still doing the LE diet just dont be to hard on yourself about the diet. I think eating healthy and timing in the main key, but hey Im no expert!

Just know I understand how you are feeling. You may not feel like it now but one day your loss will not hurt as bad. You will be able to breathe again.

[1+2+3boys]

Just read this post. I don't know what to say except hugs and try not to be so hard on yourself for a while as you have been through heaps! I also got twin boys for my second try when wanting a girl and am going to try for one more. I am starting to think HT is the answer for me even though we have little money. I just want so much for my dream to come true

[pinkplspls]

Just read this post. I don't know what to say except hugs and try not to be so hard on yourself for a while as you have been through heaps! I also got twin boys for my second try when wanting a girl and am going to try for one more. I am starting to think HT is the answer for me even though we have little money. I just want so much for my dream to come true


hey,
thank you for your message. xxx
did you sway at all when you concieved your twin boys? i am convinced the huge amounts of vit b6, folic acid, cran and magnesium aided my concieving identical twins
i wasnt doing a diet then mind, i was just drinking tons of aspartame thinking that and the supplements were key.

i've swayed again since, resulting in another boy, he was sadly lost in my second trimester. i was dieting then and lost loads of weight, but nothing like the LE diet, instead i was on a high protien low carb, no dairy diet and exercising regularly with loads of weight training

i'm hoping to god with automics personal plan and this completely different diet approach i may have a greater chance to get my girl, but i am definitely struggling with the diet at the moment

my cycles are all over and its really getting me down, it took 8 months for me to stop bleeding between cycles when i last miscarried, so i'm worried history will repeat itself. i'm on cd17 at the moment, no idea when or even if i've ovulated but had a brown bleed cd13
i dont even know what it means to bleed mid cycle regularly like that, just know its not right.


fingers crossed that what ever path you choose leads to your longed for daughter too. i'm in the uk, so HT is a definite no no for me. :thumbsdown::thumbsdown:

we need some pink dust!
:ttcgirl: :HH::DD::XX::biggirl2::cheer::ballerina:

[atomic sagebrush]

also got what was probably twin boys on IG supps!! o.O

[pinkplspls]

wow Automic i didnt know that?!
do you have your sway for your daughter on here? obviously sure u do somewhere!! but i would love to read it xx

[atomic sagebrush]

Yes my 4th son was twins, but one didn't make it, and the one that didn't make it was placenta previa and while we don't strictly know if that baby was a boy, the majority of pp babies are boys http://aje.oxfordjournals.org/content/149/9/824.full.pdf

[atomic sagebrush]

it wasn't much of a sway, but it worked for me. :)
http://genderdreaming.com/forum/girl-sway-results/9388-atomics-stealth-sway-updated-july-20-a.html

[pinkplspls]

crumbs, that really puts the declining condition into play! i'm sorry you had a bit of a rubbish time, but wow you got that gorgeous daughter as a result.
reading it, i have such a healthy plentiful lifestyle, and by that i dont mean tons of money or lots of luck! i've had my fair share of crap! especially with ttc and babies, but i turn to food in everyway, be it in sadness and times of stress or when i'm happy, i have such a boy friendly lifestyle, my t levels are always high as i always want what everyone else has got! so constantly putting myself in that competative frame of mind without ever realising it before.

how do i naturally calm myself down and lower my t levels though? i'm such a stress head!

i get the point of the diet more now, its just to let your body think times are harder, and loosing a little weight along the way will make me happier anyway, so i need to stick to doing as well with that as i can, but what about my natural competative streak, or even just my natural desperation to concieve a daughter, i'm putting pressure on myself with every thought in my mind, just wondering if it will ever happen for me.

why cant we pick and choose!!! :pinksperm::bluesperm::pinksperm::bluesperm:

[Quad7114]

My first pregnancy was a girl and she passed away on my birthday :( It was 14 yrs ago. I don't think or talk about it very much b/c that's how I deal with it. Since then I've had 3 boys. I love my boys dearly and believe I had 3 boys for a reason. For the last year my husband has had sole custody of his daughter and she is 3. Her Mom has no rights of her. I take care of her b/c he works a lot. She has abandonment issues but I try my best. Before she came along my husband and I always talked about having another kid. I have 2 boys with my first husband and 1 with my current husband. I told him that I still want to have one more even tho we have his daughter now. I want my own. So I've been working on my sway and hubby is on board. I know it's hard. I've prepared for this sway since July/August and this is my one shot. So I would let your body heal a little bit and then get back on track for your pink sway. Don't put soo much pressure on yourself. I would hate for you to resent yourself as if you didn't try hard enough for your sway if it ended up being opposite.

(((Hugs)))

[1+2+3boys]

Just letting you know I had not forgotten this post, just got super busy. We did not sway for the twins. Was going to for number three but did not anticipate we would have number 2 and 3! Will reply in more detail later :)