Am I alone in my struggle

[pinkplspls]

this website is really amazing, i've been reading through all the info on here for a really long time, i swayed once before following some IG rules & got twin boys.
i've got the personal plan and the diet plan which are fantastic.

i very recently lost a baby, a fair few weeks into my second trimester, which was devestating, i learned when they autopsied the remains that baby had a brain abnormality and was a little boy.
i thought this might soften the blow of the loss, make things easier, given i long for a DD, but i've realised this last week that actually it didnt, loosing a baby is one of the hardest things, healthy or not, blue or pink

when my twins were born in 2011 one of them also had a brain abnormality, the first year of his life was really hard, we practically lived in hospital with him, i was told he needed my breastmilk but obviously he couldnt feed directly from me, being he was a twin, i bf his healthy brother for 10 months to keep my milk up, whenever i wasnt feeding him, i pumped my milk for my baby in hospital. i also had to make sure my 2yr old didnt suffer. they tell me his being fed by me may have helped save his life, i really hope there is some truth in that, because all the time we were going through this, and my poor baby was fighting for his life, i was also suffering massive gender dissapointment, which sounds absolutely disgusting when i admit it now.

i was at one point during the pregnancy given the option to terminate, or selectively reduce the unhealthy fetus but the risk of loosing the healthy one was so great. i chose to keep them, i could never terminate a healthy baby but there was a part of me for a split second that hesitated.. i know i wouldnt of thought for a second if they were girls.



i'm finding getting over this recent loss really tough, i have this acne type skin problem that has just flared up in the last week, over my chest and back. i'm sure its hormonal. i am bleeding on and off, think i've had my first cycle but i have started spotting just 8 days after what i am guessing was ovulation. so looks like a luteal phase defect

our little boy had his first MRI scan yesterday, since all his major operations last year, he needed a general and whilst this time it was just for diagnostic, its so heartbreaking to see your 2yr old baby wheeled down to theatre after signing a consent form that you accept something 'could' go wrong.

i'm sorry for the lengthy boring post, its just nice to write things down sometimes and explain where i'm coming from.

.......anyway, the reason for the post, is coz, i am really struggling with the diet, i think and hope that its a phase, because of my mindset this week and recent extra stress.
i got my plan last week, and know of the importance of the diet. when i first started it i was doing really well, staying within daily limits, but this weekend has been disastrous. i've eaten so much. i long for and want a daughter more than anything in the world, from before i even concieved my first DS.

i dream about her every day, and all night, i thought and feel like i would do anything, and yet i am finding dieting so hard? has anyone else struggled?
my wonderful DH bless him, has switched to soy milk in his tea and coffee, is taking Olive Leaf, even turned veggie, and i cant even keep up my part of the sway? he's only doing it for me, he is perfectly happy with our three boys, especially given the extra care DS3 needs, but i cant let go of my dream.



maybe being a bit skint this week hasnt helped, i've not done a pink diet shop yet, all there seems to be in the cupboard is the kiddies sweets and cakes. when i am stressed or upset i always turn to food


i so dont want to delay my sway unnecessarily, i already feel like it could take months to get pg, given that my cycle is all over the place.

i know the only person who can really do this is me, i guess i just need to stop letting things get me down, and tell myself that this sway is to give myself a better chance of acheiving the one dream that i've always had, that i so long to make true.


sorry for the rant gues i'm having a really bad day


this website / automic and all the ladies who have given me advice so far are amazing, i feel better already just for typing it down! i just need to stop stuffing my face

[Dreamofpink]

Please don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds as if you've had an incredibly tough few years, you obviously have a strength within that has got you through it. It is a very difficult having a baby in hospital long-term & it sounds like you did a wonderful job for both of your babies at that time. The diet does feel strange to begin with, but there are so many wonderfully supportive ladies on here that will help you along. We all understand that deep yearning/need for your DG. Don't worry about venting if you need to either!

Sent from my LG-E400 using Tapatalk 2

[HopeandDreamG]

Is there a genetic/ chromosomal issue going on? If so have you considered going HT and using pgd? If you have insurance coverage and it's chromosomal insurance will pay for your ivf.

[pinkplspls]

Hihopeanddream, its called Dandy Walker.
i'm from the UK, i've tried to go through every channel possible to attempt pgd given my history (which as u may know is illegal here unless its due to a genetic disorder) Dandy Walker is not on the list, getting it added will not be an overnight task, they tell me there are still known cases of females with the condition??! Although the genetic counsellor we saw when our son was born advised us there are simple reasons it does not occur in XX embryos because certain cerebral membranes in girls are slightly thinner than a boys during earliest gestation.

Swaying is the only was for me to attempt to tip the odds in my favour, i just wish i found it easier to diet while i'm so stressed out.

[3boys531]

I agree with HopeandDream. Maybe this could be your answer.

[Adia]

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine your anguish and all the sadness in your heart. My heart absolutely aches for you and your babies.

IMO, I think you should wait. Unless you are near the end of your baby making years and the clock is ticking really loud, I think you should give it a while to recover from all that you have gone through. From what I know stress isn't good while swaying any gender and swaying is stressful enough.

Can you wait a year or two? It sounds like your oldest is about 4 and your twins are about 2yrs old. I know most people love no more than a 2 year gap between babies but you and your family have suffered so much. Giving things time to calm down may be in everyone's best interest. Maybe you could get your baby healthy and in nursery school and then focus on swaying.

HTH, big hugs mama.

[3boys531]

That is crazy its not on the list. I wonder if its on the list in another country.

[luckyfourleafclover]

you are very strong and you have had such a tough few years...you must not feel guilty about how you feel you are an amazing mum to your boys.

I pray that you will get you DD one day and I also pray that they put your son's condition on the goddam list soon.

[Funkyfry]

My heart goes out to you. You have been through such a tough time and u am so sorry for your loss.

The diet can be tough especially if your not in
The mindset for it. I don't know what to say but I wish you the best and hope that you get your precious healthy baby girl xx

[atomic sagebrush]

I wonder if it's partially your body trying to recover from the process of losing a baby that is making you so hungry, in which case you need to be forgiving of yourself and just give it time. Thinking of you!!!