First time mom, resent my husband and baby

[insertusernamehere]

I know I sound like a terrible person and I feel like one too. My husband and I are expecting our first child. I never wanted kids. I like my life without them. But from the minute I found out I was pregnant, I've been excited at the possibility that it could be a girl. I have nieces and nephews and all of them are amazing, but every time I see my nieces I have always thought I could handle having kids as long as they were girls. I've spent this whole unexpected pregnancy planning around the possibility of a daughter, even though I have had a mounting feeling of dread since my 10 week ultrasound when my gut told me it was a boy.

Well, apparently I should trust my gut because a boy it is. My husband is thrilled - he wanted a boy. My entire family is thrilled (girls outnumber boys at the moment and they were all hoping boy). My husband's family is thrilled, though to be fair to them I think they would have been happy either way. As for me, the incubator? I'm heartbroken. And angry.

I deal with pretty bad depression and anxiety, but got off of my medication once I got my two lines. I stopped smoking and stopped drinking. So, no prescription meds and no self medicating! I was doing pretty well with everything until the ultrasound showed us that unmistakable little boy bit. Since then, the depression has been getting worse than ever. I hide it well - everyone thinks I'm happy. But I told my best friend I was a little disappointed and she was sympathetic, but I didn't want to unload how disappointed knowing that she struggles with her fertility and is happy to have her son at all. I ugly cried for my husband telling him how disappointed I am and he tried to say we can always try again until we have a girl. While I appreciate that he's being non-judgmental, it doesn't help.

I hate my husband a little bit. He's so happy about this. He wanted a son more than anything - if it was a girl he would be feeling this way instead of me, I think. I resent him for being happy about something I hate when I'm the one who has to suffer to bring this life into the world. I resent this baby, too. It's not the kid's fault, but I can't even bring myself to refer to it as a boy. Every ache and cramp, every bit of nausea, even the small movements I'm starting to feel - I hate it. I don't want to fuck up my body and suffer in agony to bring this thing into the world. I just want my girl. And I know that it makes me an awful mother, but I can't help how I feel. If I wasn't pregnant I could be still on my medication so I wouldn't be depressed. I would still be working (I had to leave my job because my pregnancy has been very difficult). I would rather go back to crappy minimum wage retail than have this kid. If I wasn't pregnant, I wouldn't have to take a leave of absence from school to have a baby and put off my degree, which I am so close to. My life would be better if I wasn't pregnant.

I didn't want any kids in the first place. Now I'm having the gender I really didn't want. And now that I'm dealing with this disappointment, I want a little girl more than anything. It's not fair. I don't want to have more kids just in hopes of getting a girl, because I know that I'll just resent every little boy I get more and more. But I don't want to live my life without this daughter that I feel like I lost now. Even if I had the little girl I dream of as my second child, then I would probably be a terrible mother to my son because he isn't the one I wanted. I just feel like I can never be happy in my life no matter what I do now. I'm a terrible mother no matter what happens from here on out and I will always know that and have to live with it.

I'm sorry this is so long! I guess I just have a lot more feelings than I thought I did.

[lovemybabyM]

Hi there,
Sorry you are feeling so low. I just wanted to say that I suffered when I became pregnant with some sort of depression that started when i found out I was having a boy and not the girl I had always dreamed I would have. I couldn't find myself connecting with the idea I was carrying a boy and I too felt like he being there meant Id lost the daughter I should have had, I had feelings of sadness and resentment that I felt truly horrified by.I promise you tho- you will feel so different once your baby boy is here and in your arms. I would not trade my baby boy for all the girls in the world now - he is my everything. Things may seem bleak.right now but it will be ok. Take care of yourself and take it one day at a me xxx

[lovemybabyM]

Time!

[MatildaMai]

Everything you are feeling and thinking is - believe it or not - not uncommon. You will not be a terrible mother and you are not a terrible person. Honestly. Half of us have been where you are right now. Pregnancy hormones are EVIL. They really amplify the negative stuff for some of us and your situation is compounded by the fact you struggle with depression and anxiety anyway. And given its been a difficult pregnancy well I totally understand where you are coming from. I do think you need to talk to your Dr about getting on some sort of meds that are compatible with pregnancy.

I also think you need a plan to help you feel like you are taking control back a bit. And then you need to get your DH on board. That shouldn't be hard as you are giving him an amazing gift in the son that he wants. Maybe you want someone to look after the baby a few days a week once he is born so you can get back to work or continue with your study. Maybe you want you DH to agree to do HT for a DD so you get the girl you wanted next?

I also promise you that as impossible as it seems right now. You will love your little boy more than you can possibly ever imagine. It might not be love at first sight at the birth. But it will happen. Take care and be kind to yourself.

[trifecta]

First of all, I think you should give yourself a break. You're not a terrible person or a terrible mother. I agree with Matilda that all these thoughts are common. I didn't have GD with my first boy and he was planned but I was hugely ambivalent about the pregnancy because like you I had just quit smoking (that was ROUGH) and had huge fears about "ruining" my body, which didn't happen at all. I wasn't upset about the gender but I worried about other things. I read an article about sociopathic children and I actually spent my pregnancy worrying about what I would do if my child was evil. That doesn't make me sound like a great, natural mother, does it? Then I had my son and not only was he not evil, he was beautiful, sweet, and eager to connect. In retrospect I know it was wild hormones and fear of change, fear of loss of control. I think a lot of women feel these things during first pregnancies but then you meet your child, and however different they may be from what you imagined it isn't like meeting a stranger. It's like kismet. I was very upset when I got my positive pregnancy test. I wondered how I could have done something so stupid when everything was going so well. I was so mad at myself for agreeing to have a baby. When I look back on it I think, "I was upset because I didn't know that was you in there. If I had known it was you I would have been happy." I know it's very hard to believe right now but I think you will feel differently when you meet your baby and start getting to know him. In the meanwhile try not to pile guilt upon all the other things you are feeling.

[Adia]

I have to second the others. Pregnancies hormones and gender disappointment make for a nasty mix. It will get better when you aren't pregnant and have a baby to love, I PROMISE!

As for not wanting children, unless it was a girl, many of us relate to that as well. Keep in mind that children are quite independent once they hit 18yrs old and as silly as it sounds right now, that time flies by. I had DD1 way too young and didn't want kids at that point in my life but she's here and she's almost 15 talking about college, etc. It goes fast, I promise.

If HT is an option, and you are good candidate, I encourage you to look into it to get your girl.

Big hugs, you'll get better in time, we promise!!

[nuthinbutpink]

Well, if before all this you never wanted kids and now you have changed to you really want a girl, maybe you will feel differently again when this child is born and you see him.

Birth changes you. It's weird and powerful and scary but it makes you a different person, hopefully for the better for all of us. Life no longer will be all about what you want and what you desire because there is another life that is 100% dependent on you.

I think you will be okay. I think if you needed meds before all of this, hopefully, you will get a plan of getting back on them after giving birth. Hormones are all over the place and will continue to bounce around after this child is born. You may not feel like yourself for sometime- but perhaps you will feel better- isn't that in the realm of possibility too?

As disappointed as you are, I think you will be like the rest of the community and eventually be head over heals for this little guy. Boys love their moms like no other.

If you do want another child one day, IVF/PGD is out there. It's a real possibility and that can give you a daughter if you are successful with it.

Good luck with your pregnancy, I hope you find peace with all of this.

[insertusernamehere]

Thank you all for the responses. It's good to at least know I'm not alone in this.


Everything you are feeling and thinking is - believe it or not - not uncommon. You will not be a terrible mother and you are not a terrible person. Honestly. Half of us have been where you are right now. Pregnancy hormones are EVIL. They really amplify the negative stuff for some of us and your situation is compounded by the fact you struggle with depression and anxiety anyway. And given its been a difficult pregnancy well I totally understand where you are coming from. I do think you need to talk to your Dr about getting on some sort of meds that are compatible with pregnancy.

I also think you need a plan to help you feel like you are taking control back a bit. And then you need to get your DH on board. That shouldn't be hard as you are giving him an amazing gift in the son that he wants. Maybe you want someone to look after the baby a few days a week once he is born so you can get back to work or continue with your study. Maybe you want you DH to agree to do HT for a DD so you get the girl you wanted next?

I also promise you that as impossible as it seems right now. You will love your little boy more than you can possibly ever imagine. It might not be love at first sight at the birth. But it will happen. Take care and be kind to yourself.

To the bolded - I've been on a variety of medications in the past considered safe for pregnancy (I had a psychiatrist who was convinced that I would want kids and get knocked up on purpose) but most of them didn't really help much. I was doing really well on my last medication but it's not considered safe during the 3rd trimester, so I pretty much have to wait it out at this point. I'm going back on as soon as the baby is born, but between my anti depressant and my anti anxiety medication, breast feeding isn't looking like an option. I'm fine with formula feeding personally, but as far as the rest of the world can see it's just one more reason I am a terrible mother!

My husband is trying really hard and I know once the baby is born he will do what he can to help. He's military so I likely won't be going back to work. Paying a daycare or a babysitter so I can make minimum wage and had over my entire paycheck doesn't make much sense and I can't just do nights and weekends while he's home because the army doesn't guarantee that time off. We are going to fork over the money for daycare so that I can finish my last semester of school, but I'll miss the start of the semester in September so I'm definitely going to push my degree back a bit. Not the end of the world, I guess, but it makes me sad.

I don't know that another child is in the cards for us. I've brought up the possibility of going HT for a girl but it's expensive. I guess we'll have to see how I feel about having even one kid before we start talking about more anyway.

Thank you for not telling me to expect love at first sight at birth. I feel like a lot of people say it will happen, but I feel like even if/when I connect emotionally with this kid, it's not going to be instantaneous. It will take time.


First of all, I think you should give yourself a break. You're not a terrible person or a terrible mother. I agree with Matilda that all these thoughts are common. I didn't have GD with my first boy and he was planned but I was hugely ambivalent about the pregnancy because like you I had just quit smoking (that was ROUGH) and had huge fears about "ruining" my body, which didn't happen at all. I wasn't upset about the gender but I worried about other things. I read an article about sociopathic children and I actually spent my pregnancy worrying about what I would do if my child was evil. That doesn't make me sound like a great, natural mother, does it? Then I had my son and not only was he not evil, he was beautiful, sweet, and eager to connect. In retrospect I know it was wild hormones and fear of change, fear of loss of control. I think a lot of women feel these things during first pregnancies but then you meet your child, and however different they may be from what you imagined it isn't like meeting a stranger. It's like kismet. I was very upset when I got my positive pregnancy test. I wondered how I could have done something so stupid when everything was going so well. I was so mad at myself for agreeing to have a baby. When I look back on it I think, "I was upset because I didn't know that was you in there. If I had known it was you I would have been happy." I know it's very hard to believe right now but I think you will feel differently when you meet your baby and start getting to know him. In the meanwhile try not to pile guilt upon all the other things you are feeling.

Thank you for this. Quitting smoking has definitely been brutal on this. I would trade my dogs for a cigarette right now (and I really, really love my puppies!). I can't believe what a constant battle not smoking still is, even when I haven't had a cigarette in almost 14 weeks. I think it's because I can never, ever smoke again and the finality of it is hard. Plus my husband still smokes his stupid, girly menthols so I have to smell the nastiness on his jacket (which is now an outside jacket that is not allowed in my house because menthols are disgusting).

I'm just worried that my kid will come out and be a good kid, y'know, fun, sporty, all kinds of wonderful things...and I'll still not want him. Like, if my baby grows into an asshole person I'd have a reason not to like him. But I'm scared he'll be overall a good person and I'll still just not like him anyway. We'll have nothing in common and he will just go hang out with his dad and for all it's worth to me I'll have given birth to a sack of potatoes.

I mean, yeah that's a possibility with a girl too, but I feel like if it was a girl we'd automatically have some things similar. Just the inherent struggle of being female in this male dominated world and I could shape her into a strong, independent, kick ass woman. She might like sports and be more like her dad in personality, but we'd always have that bond of mother/daughter-yness.

Even to me my reasons for wanting a girl seem silly, but the feelings are there regardless.

[insertusernamehere]

I have to second the others. Pregnancies hormones and gender disappointment make for a nasty mix. It will get better when you aren't pregnant and have a baby to love, I PROMISE!

As for not wanting children, unless it was a girl, many of us relate to that as well. Keep in mind that children are quite independent once they hit 18yrs old and as silly as it sounds right now, that time flies by. I had DD1 way too young and didn't want kids at that point in my life but she's here and she's almost 15 talking about college, etc. It goes fast, I promise.

If HT is an option, and you are good candidate, I encourage you to look into it to get your girl.

Big hugs, you'll get better in time, we promise!!

I am hoping it's a combination of pregnancy hormones and just general poor mental health making me feel like this. I hope that once I'm done pushing out my human and getting back on a good dose with my meds I can just start feeling normal tiny pangs of disappointment but overall be happy about my boy. I think the whole thing is just a lot to take in at once. I'm a little scared that I just won't ever love this baby and then I really am a jerk.



Well, if before all this you never wanted kids and now you have changed to you really want a girl, maybe you will feel differently again when this child is born and you see him.

Birth changes you. It's weird and powerful and scary but it makes you a different person, hopefully for the better for all of us. Life no longer will be all about what you want and what you desire because there is another life that is 100% dependent on you.

I think you will be okay. I think if you needed meds before all of this, hopefully, you will get a plan of getting back on them after giving birth. Hormones are all over the place and will continue to bounce around after this child is born. You may not feel like yourself for sometime- but perhaps you will feel better- isn't that in the realm of possibility too?

As disappointed as you are, I think you will be like the rest of the community and eventually be head over heals for this little guy. Boys love their moms like no other.

If you do want another child one day, IVF/PGD is out there. It's a real possibility and that can give you a daughter if you are successful with it.

Good luck with your pregnancy, I hope you find peace with all of this.

I always just feel like yeah, little boys love their moms...but grown up boys leave their moms. My husband calls his mom...on her birthday? Only if I or his sister remind him. Calls his dad once a week or so. I call my mom every other day and talk to my dad at least 2 times a week. And I mean - I want to raise my son to be a nice, independent guy. I want to cut the apron strings and let him be free someday. But I just have this relationship with my mom and sisters where we are all best friends. When I am home to visit we have girl's nights out and we gossip and even though we are all different, we are best friends. And now both my sisters have daughters who they will have that relationship with.

My brother? He lives with my mom because he is going through a divorce, but still it's pretty obvious he doesn't want to really be friends with my parents. I'm close with my brother because we have similar personalities and interests, but he doesn't really seem to want to be part of the family as a whole.

I just feel like that's what I'm destined for. A little boy who will have no relationship with me as he gets older. I want a little girl who will hate me as a teenager but then want to hang out with me again as an adult! I want all the shit that comes with having a daughter. I dread everything that comes with having a son.

I wish my BC hadn't failed. I would be much happier if I could just have dogs for the rest of my life and no children. Dogs love you until the day they die.

[insertusernamehere]

I do want to thank everyone for the positivity and support. I know I'm a negative Nancy and I swear I'm trying to find some joy in this baby. I'm just having a really hard time of it right now. But all of your kind words and reassurances that even women who feel this way go on to love their children is helpful. I'm in a bit of a dark place, but hopefully there's some light to be found and I won't feel so full of resent.

[hotdogz&boyz]

My first child was a BC baby as well. And I had LOTS of negative emotions. At the time I wasn't in the online community (anywhere) and I didn't have any safe people I could tell about my feelings. I just harbored some horrible thoughts about my child, myself as a mother, and how it could have possibly happened (not only was I taking BC, I was also told I was unlikely to have children because of a previous illness affecting ovulation). I was really angry and scared. I also had to stop taking my OCD medication and really struggled with thought patterns and anxiety during his pregnancy. Thankfully, GD wasn't a part of my struggle. I didn't have a strong preference either way, I don't remember having time to think about it, I was just so terrified about all the other changes happening (considering I got pregnant in a non-serious relationship). But I do want to give you hope that having a child DOES change things. Not immediately. I was amazed by my child right away, but it took a while to fall in love with him. I struggled a lot in his early days and throughout his first year. But I can say with surety, you are not a horrible mother because you have negative thoughts toward your child.

I'd like to suggest that you try to leave stereotypes aside when thinking of your child. It's a lot to adjust to anyway, the unplanned aspect and the shock of him being a him. I think that overwhelming yourself with negative gender stereotypes isn't going to help matters much. Boys don't abandon their mothers. They aren't all interested in sports and stuff with their Dads. Girls also aren't naturally "girly" and drawn to their mothers. I know plenty of women who despise their mothers as adults. And plenty of grown men who adore their mothers and check in daily (ahem, my younger brother). Boys aren't just dirt and noise and trucks. I think any person in this forum could bust 2-3 gender stereotypes in a single bound.

I'm certainly not saying the road you are on is an easy one. You might feel angry or upset for a while. Even after he comes. But I think that, in time, you will come to realize that he is yours...independent of gender. He will look to you much like your dogs do, with unabashed admiration and that is when the connection will begin in earnest (if not before).

(If you notice, not only did I fall madly in love with my son, I also loved motherhood so much that we have had two children since my first was born. And we want more. I am a fine mother. Not perfect. I yell and get overwhelmed and sometimes want to curl in a ball and cry. But I do adore my kids and I'm often grateful that things happened the way they did. Not saying you will feel the same. But it does happen)

[insertusernamehere]

My first child was a BC baby as well. And I had LOTS of negative emotions. At the time I wasn't in the online community (anywhere) and I didn't have any safe people I could tell about my feelings. I just harbored some horrible thoughts about my child, myself as a mother, and how it could have possibly happened (not only was I taking BC, I was also told I was unlikely to have children because of a previous illness affecting ovulation). I was really angry and scared. I also had to stop taking my OCD medication and really struggled with thought patterns and anxiety during his pregnancy. Thankfully, GD wasn't a part of my struggle. I didn't have a strong preference either way, I don't remember having time to think about it, I was just so terrified about all the other changes happening (considering I got pregnant in a non-serious relationship). But I do want to give you hope that having a child DOES change things. Not immediately. I was amazed by my child right away, but it took a while to fall in love with him. I struggled a lot in his early days and throughout his first year. But I can say with surety, you are not a horrible mother because you have negative thoughts toward your child.

I'd like to suggest that you try to leave stereotypes aside when thinking of your child. It's a lot to adjust to anyway, the unplanned aspect and the shock of him being a him. I think that overwhelming yourself with negative gender stereotypes isn't going to help matters much. Boys don't abandon their mothers. They aren't all interested in sports and stuff with their Dads. Girls also aren't naturally "girly" and drawn to their mothers. I know plenty of women who despise their mothers as adults. And plenty of grown men who adore their mothers and check in daily (ahem, my younger brother). Boys aren't just dirt and noise and trucks. I think any person in this forum could bust 2-3 gender stereotypes in a single bound.

I'm certainly not saying the road you are on is an easy one. You might feel angry or upset for a while. Even after he comes. But I think that, in time, you will come to realize that he is yours...independent of gender. He will look to you much like your dogs do, with unabashed admiration and that is when the connection will begin in earnest (if not before).

(If you notice, not only did I fall madly in love with my son, I also loved motherhood so much that we have had two children since my first was born. And we want more. I am a fine mother. Not perfect. I yell and get overwhelmed and sometimes want to curl in a ball and cry. But I do adore my kids and I'm often grateful that things happened the way they did. Not saying you will feel the same. But it does happen)


Thank you for this. For reassuring me that my thoughts aren't a bad thing and reminding me that my child will be an individual who may be everything I ever wanted in the end.

The bolded actually means a lot to me in a weird way. Comparing my kid to dogs is actually helpful to me. I read an article recently about how the brains of dogs are similar to a toddler's brain and told my husband about it. Today while I was once again hashing over my feelings with him he pointed out the article and asked me if I would love the dogs any less if they were human toddlers laying on the couch with me. And of course I laughed and told him no, I would love them the same so he reminded me but the dogs are boys and would be boy toddlers. And for a minute I was trying to say "But they're mine so it's different" and then he just gave me a funny look and I was just kind of like "Touche, sir"

Yes, I'm on of those people who treats her dogs like legitimate members of the family, but it kind of helped tonight. I have little boy dogs but I love them without caring about that because of their personalities and the bond I have with them. If I stop being so hung up on this girl thing I can bond with my little human boy and I'm sure I'll love his little personality once he gets one (how old are they when they stop just being crying potatoes? I'm not a baby person so I really don't know this stuff...thank goodness my mom will be here to help the first couple weeks!) It's all easier said than done, but at least I am looking at it as something that will happen.

I don't know if it's the words you ladies have said or just because I ate an entire pan of brownies (my husband can bake) but I do feel a bit better tonight after having a nice day full of self pity. Hopefully tomorrow I can get at least a little excited about the tiny little baby boy socks and outfits my hubs brought home. I do love dinosaur outfits, so that a plus to little boys, right?

[Adia]

As a fellow military wife I encourage you to reach out to others so you don't feel alone. Although you may not find someone in the exact same situation as yourself, you can find others who understand some of your fears and concerns.

Most military communities offer New Parenting classes or 'bringing home baby' classes. Great place to connect with others.

Their is many a military wife out there who has gotten pregnant without meaning to and then had a hard time with the adjustment which is piled on top of a lot of other things military wives have to put up with.

As I learned living overseas with a husband that deployed regularly, a bipolar out-of-control DD1, an ADHD DD2 and a new baby is the road was much easier with others to lean on. Military wives can support you in a special way that it hard to understand unless you have been there.

Big hugs, you are not a horrible person and it will get better in time. I promise!!

[lisvna]

I agree with the others!!!!

And about not breast feeding: my first son didn't like the breast feeding at all! He preferred formula and he is very smart boy and I'm really not a terrible mother hihihi.

Please don't be hard on yourself and I can truly say boys are so kind to their mothers!

[Mum to three girls]

Re the breastfeeding : most drugs will have cautions on them re breastfeeding to cover the drug companies' a**** but there are actually very very few medications that are genuinely unsafe. When Compared to pregnancy where the fetus gets the full whack of the drug with most drugs the amount that goes through to the milk is very small. Sometimes the timing of the medicine can make a big difference as well. Your family doctor can discuss your medication choice with a pharmacologist (a medical doctor who has subspecialised in medications) to clarify things, most of the time the bonuses of breastfeeding outweigh the teeny tiny dose of medication the baby receives.

Im certainly not a die hard "breastfeed at all costs" type mum but, if it's going well, breastfeeding hormones are very calming (probably nature's way of letting you have a rest).

[Kittybear]

Hi Hun, please don't be scared. What the other ladies have said already is brilliant, and I don't have much to add, just there really is a special kind of magic when you see yourself in the eyes of your child. It could be a physical similarity, or maybe a mannerism you recognise, or just a little feature that reminds you of you. But when it hits you and you think 'wow, I made you, you perfect, beautiful little person' it really is amazing. I really wish you the best of luck on your journey. :) xx

[motherofboys]

I havent read others replies, so forgive me if I'm going over old ground. I'm in a hurry but couldn't go without replying to you.
I'm sure the on fact everyone will have stated is that you will love your son. Whether you have no more, or you have 10 more, you will love your baby, eventually. With your history of depression I would talk to someone, you don't have to reveal its the gender that set you off again, but you risk post natal depression. Which is a place I can speak from. I was depressed after my 2nd son and resented him, I ended up taking 2 years (and another pregnancy) to really bond with him.
I've now got 4 boys, and love each of them dearly but STILL want a girl.
I'm also feeling some resentment towards my husband. Although he did want to a little girl, he also seems to be a bit too chipper about it all. "See if we had a girl we couldn't...." "If we had a girl we'd have had to....." "Good job we haven't got a girl or......"
I can't help my head from going "its alright for you, you got your boys, you take them to judo and karate and football. You watch match of the day with them. I will NEVER get to sit and watch my daughter in a ballet class, I'll never take her to see the new Fairy film, or sit and snuggle watching The Swan Princess and you don't even care" Which is unfair because he does care.

There are times when the disappointment is overwhelming and all consuming, and times when its just a tiny thought at the back of your head.
Take this time to grieve for the daughter you imagined. Its ok to let it out.

[Peebell85]

Just wait until the moment your little boy grazes his knee and no one in this whole entire world will make his tears stop except you. No feeling in this world quite like that. The love you feel for that little person will overpower you and all of these feeling will be a distant memory.