Feeling Defeated

[NCBeachyGrl]

Somehow through the years, I have never posted in the GD section. I still always had hope that a DD would work out for me one day so I never felt low...just hopeful about the future. Not anymore!

I love my family and I feel beyond lucky. I know there are so many out there that are dealing with real issues (sicknes, cancer, mental/physical disabilities) so I have no right to complain about not getting what I want when I am so blessed. I just had so much hope this baby could be a girl and I just never thought I would have 4 children...all boys at that! I feel so defeated b/c I just don't think there is anymore to this story.

When we found out DS3 was a boy, DH said "whatever you want to do" so we decided right then we would try for a 4th. When we found out DS4 is a boy, DH said "whatever you want to do", but I just can not handle swaying or trying for another without a guarantee. I don't know where we will be financially in a few years, but I just don't believe HT will ever be an option. I SO wish it could be so that I could keep the hope alive, but I don't want to fool myself into believing that there still is a way when that might not be true.

It is so very hard for me to accept this could be the end. I don't like being in this place and I just don't know what the future holds. I am a planner and I am having a hard time just letting go like that. I wish this didn't have to be so hard :(

[Mulberry Smurf]

Have a hug xxx you are a mummy. One day that was just a dream. Now it's your life. You are a mummy to four little precious men who will make the world just that little bit better for the other people in their lives. You have so much to be proud of. You are entitled to feel this way and to feel all hope has gone but try to remain positive because you have so much going for you. Try to shift your perspective. This that you have is someone else's dream right now. Enjoy living your blessed life xx

[angielorna]

Awww, I'm sorry to hear you're emotionally struggling. It's sweet that your DH is willing to go with the flow for you (if you decide to have another). I hope it gets easier as your pregnancy goes on. Hugs going out to you.
Angie

[Maybeaboyinthefuture?]

Know how you feel..DD#4 due in august..never ever thaught we should have 4 kids! I love my kids soooo much, and the sisters cant wait to meet her :-) i am like your husband, saying if he want to try one more time, i dont have the heart do not let him..he want sa DS sooo much..but now we are just looking forward too meet little princess, and we will see if we want to go HT sometime in the future:-) good luck with your pregnancy, we are blessed!!:-D

[NCBeachyGrl]

I'm hoping time will make things better as I get used to the idea of 4 boys. With DS3, I was seriuosly content after he was born and my feelings of a DD had gone to the wayside. I just hope that happens again and once he is here, I will forget all about the need for a DD. I'm sure my life will be so hectic that I will have no choice but to forget about it all!

I guess the only thing I can do is continue to pray for healthy baby (all looks good so far) and a healthy delivery and just have faith that everything will work out like it is supposed to. At least I do have some time on my side so will just try to stay postive.

so glad I have a place to vent. I try to be strong, but it gets the best of me sometimes!!

[Adia]

I think you should let your disappointment and sadness go through the grieving process. It is the loss of the possibilities that is the hardest to accept.

IMO I don't think you should invalidate your heartache because someone, somewhere could have it worse. This is your life and your loss of a dream.

As you well know, once ds4 is born you will be able to separate your love for him from your desire for a DD, but until then it is very hard to accept that you may not ever have the little girl you have dreamed of and tried for for so long.

FWIW I am crazy envious of you, I would have loved 4 boys, even in addition to my DDs!

[Kittybear]

Hi Beachy, I'm sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. Everything the ladies have said is excellent, and it sounds as though you know full well that it is the nature of this particular beast that there are better days and worse days. GD is a bitch at the best of times, but all those feelings are massively heightened during pregnancy because of all our raging hormones.
Sometimes I truly wish that I had a crystal ball and could see into the future; I reason that if I knew that a dd was never on the cards for me, maybe I could let her go... But it is also human nature to hope and dream, and no one can help how they feel.
Sometimes I think the hardest part is changing that image we have in our head, often as we have carried it with us from when we were little girls. For me it was 'I will have 1 or 2 daughters...' Then 'ok a boy first then a girl is fantastic'... Now I'm thinking 'maybe 2 boys then a girl IS better...?' I know our family situation is different. But all along my dh and I had discussed just 2 kids. That was meant to be our lot. Now I know he is only entertaining the idea of a HT 3rd for me and my desire for a DD, which actually makes me feel more selfish. :(
I read something that another lady posted on another GD forum, and I'm going to paraphrase here as I can't remember it exactly but it was along the lines of:
People expect closure when they experience a loss (in this case of a dream) but the reality is that our brains cannot just think 'ok that's never going to change, I better just move on', instead we have to go through the part of life where these feelings are assimilated into ourselves and become part of us, so that eventually they don't sting quite so much. You begin to understand that there will always be better days and worse days, but over time you come to recognise the triggers of these 'events' and they too will lessen in frequency and the amount of time they last for as time goes on.
I'm really rambling now, sorry. I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying. If nothing else, know that I am sending you massive ((((hugs)))). Don't bottle up how you are feeling, your emotions are just as valid as anyone else's. Come here and rant and rave and we will support you.
Xxxx

[prayforprincess]

Oh Beachy...I truly truly feel your pain. Please know you are not alone and let yourself feel everything - good or bad- it's the only way you can really free yourself from the anger and pain is to just experience it.
It is a loss, it's no less painful than a death. A dream you had, a vision you saw of your life is dying and it's painful as hell. But just like a death of a loved one you can look back and wonder if you could have done more or if only things could have worked out differently but the reality is we can't change it now because these are our cards we were dealt and we just have to grieve and deal and live on. But there will always be triggers- they'll just begin to hit us and hurt us a little less over time.
At the end of the day tho- these are our boys. They need us and they love us soooo much and that's what makes the pain lessen.
When I found out at 16 weeks this is a boy I was numb. I didn't even cry at first. It was like a void of all emotion cause I just didn't know which to feel first. I knew it was a possibility, but I never thought it would actually happen. I never thought I would never have my dd. I was never really faced with it being the end until then. And I couldn't imagine this would be my ending- after all I had been through- this was how my story ended?!
That evening it started to hit me, i felt like i didnt even want him at all now and I began to cry. But I became so angry. At the world, at life- I just believed that if I could just let go (I'm a planner to) then she would come. And it was as if someone was laughing at me from above, and I just thought that truly after all I'd put myself through after all this time now I'm just having another boy anyway?!? It was almost laughable if it didn't hurt so damn much. To be honest that day changed my life forever because I don't now nor will ever believe in things the way I used to. I had so much faith and honestly I just don't anymore. I don't think there's a reason for anything, things aren't just "meant to be" they just are. We don't have 4 boys for a "reason" we have 4 boys cause that's the dice we rolled. We're not "only meant to be boy mom's" like some say, cause that's like saying we wouldn't have been wonderful moms to daughters. And we would've, we just weren't given that oppertunity and its not because fate or God didn't deem us worthy to have daughters- again, it's the roll of the dice and how life just plays out... We have no control and neither does God. (Sorry to offend others who believe otherwise, these are just my thoughts).
Anyway, the day after all I could do was cry- like endless tears I could not control. Regardless of the "why" the sadness and loss just sank in like a knife to my heart. But with everyday that passed it got a tiny bit easier. I just decided that I wasn't going to let this ruin me. I have 3 dashingly handsome, smart, loving (and sometimes crazy and chaotic) boys who love me with all their heart and always tell me how beautiful i am and how much they love me etc. and I know #4 will be the same. Yes I may never have some of those girls moments with a dd I was looking forward to, but I'll make those up with other moments with my boys. I'll make sure I'm not just the mother-in-law and always be close. I'm going to make all the reasons I wanted a daughter come alive through my sons- just in a different way, you know- because this is the life we've been given and we have to make the most of it. Ds2 said to me the other day,"mommy, I'm gonna have all girl for you." It was so cute.

Anyhow- with this man at 18 wks I found out my cervix was down to 1cm and I was completely funneling/open. Thy did an emergency cerclage and inserted a pessery and now I'm on bed rest til my scheduled c-section Aug 1st if I make it that long. I can only get up to use the bathroom or shower 10 min every 2 days. It's pure misery. So now the stitches are the only thing holding this little guy in there. He's moving around like crazy and I would just die if anything happened because he is so healthy and cute and I'm so looking forward to holding him and loving him. But again- cards we are dealt ... The docs think this happened b/c of my ectopic last May and the baby was in the top on my cervix and getting it out obviously caused damage to my cervix they could not foresee for future pregnancies. I've always carried to term before.
Anyway, babbling on- I thought it would help to hear stories from someone whose walked in your shoes. Sometimes my friends will say "oh I'm sorry" or "things will get better in time" but I think to myself 'what do you know? You have a girl, or you have 1 of each- so you truly have no idea what it feels like' ' or 'you are still having more kids so u still have hope, you don't know what it's like til you've actually hit the road block and all your hope is gone'. after awhile my friends/family stopped saying anything at all b/c they knew there was nothing they could say since they admit-tingly truly didn't understand. So for me it was nice to hear from others who truly knew what I was going through.
There may not be hope for a daughter but there IS hope for happiness and that never dies.
If you ever need to vent I'm always here...

[Adia]

... We have no control and neither does God. (Sorry to offend others who believe otherwise, these are just my thoughts).

I am deeply religious but I completely agree with this. I don't mean to offend either but I don't think God has anything to do with the gender we get or some of the other bad stuff that happens in our lives.

I read "When bad things happen to good people" when I was going thru divorce, and other nightmares. Its basic message is that no one, not even God, can control the outcomes in life but what He CAN do is help us find the strength to overcome the heartache and realize that we are not alone. Excellent book, I refer back to it often.

[from2to3]

I am so sorry! I was really hoping this surprise would be your girl. Hugs!!! No advice because I'm dealing with the same thing, just hoping you get over this and start feeling better!!


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[from2to3]

We have no control and neither does God. (Sorry to offend others who believe otherwise, these are just my thoughts)


I do disagree with this, but am not offended by others differing beliefs, as I hope others are not offended by my beliefs. I believe that God has complete control over everything (not than people’s actions because He gave us a free will), we have so many answers in the bible (straight from the One who made us) and when we really take the time to dig deep and look for ourselves we can find many things. I don’t think gender is important to Him, and surprisingly if you look, there’s almost an even amount of boys/girls born. I do not believe however that He intentionally does things to hurt us, He loves us more than we can ever imagine and wants what’s best for us, and has ‘great plans for us and a future for hope”. Unfortunately as humans, rather than seeking His greater plan, we like (all of us) like pick our own plan and desires and go with it and expect Him to bless it. I have always had a plan as to how many kids we’d have and what genders they’d be. Yes, I do believe we finally let go and that it was His plan for us to have three children. I automatically thought that meant this one would be a girl because that was my better plan for my life. Though it hurts (deeply), I am choosing to strengthen my faith, and am leaning completely on Him…I have no choice, I couldn’t get through otherwise. I have been through some pretty terrible things in my life, esp as a little girl and I could have lost my faith… instead He became my best friend, my rock, constant companion and saved me and got me through it. What happened from this? I became a stronger person, more compassionate, and a faith that will NEVER waiver, and know in the end I will be rewarded for it. Do I think that I or any of us would have made a terrible ‘girl mom’ or ‘boy mom’? No, of course not. I just have to let go and trust that this little man is the perfect fit to our family and will be a great blessing, one I will never be able to imagine my life without. The thing that comes to me a lot lately, is just a little while ago around here, a toddler boy lost his life in a fire. I cried when I found out. There was so many things that went wrong in that situation and my heart aches for that little boy, he should of never been left in the house while everyone else in the family got out. I vow, no matter what gender of children I have, that they will always be loved and taken care of. We are blessed as parents and expected to take care of our children, and if this little boy needs good parents, than I am glad God entrusted us to take care of him.
Wow. Sorry that was so long…

[Myloves]

Oh NYCBeachy. I remember you from 2012 when you were due with ds3! I don't know what to say, I'm sorry and that your boys are lucky to have you as their mum. Hugs, love.
You never know what life might throw at you, so please don't give up!