I should be happy but can't hold back the tears Gender disappointment CRUSHED!

[Belle5678]

Hi

New to the forum. Today I had my 20 week scan and found out It's a boy! I should be so happy but I can't control the tears - been crying for 12 hours straight!

My biggest dream was to have a little girl! Im a dance teacher I own and run my Dance studio and have taught dancing for 15 years. Been a dancer and entertainer myself since the age of 2 and I couldn't wait to have my own little dancer. I had already thought about what solo routines and tutus and costumes she would wear. I dreamed of matching vintage dresses and all the wonderful frilly girly things. I am obsessed with Pinks, satin bows, Polka dots and lace... and couldn't wait to have a little sidekick to share all the beautiful things that are in this world..

It's like a whole future I dreamt of now won't happen. I have been met with a lot of disappointment in my life... I always do everything in my possible power, give it 200% and always get slapped in the face, knocked down, met with brick walls and it's always like come on universe give me a break. So I suppose I shouldn't really be shocked that I haven't had this pregnancy turn out like i wanted - story of my life.

Pregnancy hasn't been the enjoyable experience I thought it would. I always dreamt of being pregnant and couldn't wait for all the joys... But I have been very ill and having anxiety, depression and OCD has made the normal worry of " is everything okay, is bubs healthy, what is that, is that normal" stuff ... its been an emotional torturous roller coaster ride...

and now here I am feeling like the most awfully, horrible person in the world because I should be happy that I have a healthy Bub but I can't help but feel so devastated... I did eventually want a boy one day but I wanted a girl so desperately first so I could be like yup tick... I always put so much pressure on myself and i thought and hoped and prayed and wished, and dreamed that Bub would be a girl and i can be like - got my girl awesome but nope

My family is like well maybe next time but I don't want to put myself through the torture... Literally every time my husband and I tried i was like please please lets make a girl ... the trying was crap (again pressure) the am I pregnant yet, then Im pregnant... is everything healthy and normal and of course the boy girl and to get the NOOOOO its a boy feeling is the worst in the the world and to feel the I have to put myself through this all over again and i might only have boys ( my husbands brother - 3 boys ... there hasn't been a boy in the family for 10 years and that was his sister so her hubby produced the girl

I hate myself so much... I said to my husband who isn't supportive and doesn't understand I said as much as you think i am a horrible person for crying right now I can tell you I feel 10 times worse for feeling like this

Im scared that something bad will happen and then it will be like - well you weren't happy you were having a boy.... It's not like I didn't ever want a boy I just wanted my little girl and I didn't want to have to go through horrendous pressure and torture of trying and trying for a girl.

Im scared the horrible feelings will be or already have been projected on my little boy growing inside me... for the whole pregnancy I have been are you a girl hope so ( then i would throw in the if your a boy I will still love you) I knew i would be upset but to be this devastated its just the worst most hideous feeling. I feel like I will never be happy that bub is a boy. Im scared i can't love him like i should.

I don't know what to do????????

[BrightSky]

Oh Belle5678 take it from me u will love him more than anything :) I just had my first boy 6 months ago and like u, always wanted a boy, but just assumed I would have a girl first and was pretty cut up when it didn't go that way. But now he is here and he is just the cutest, sweetest, funniest little thing, the perfect mix of my husband and me (well mainly my husband, another reason to love the socks off him!). You will be fine once he is in your arms! I don't know how many kids u want, but maybe your little girl is in your future, so try and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and look forward to what's ahead, it's truly amazing xx

[sweetdream]

I know how you feel. I have 3 gorgeous sons. And i found out yesterday I'm pg with my girl. I swayed hard for her.
I did feel like you with at least 2 sons. It goes better in a couple of weeks. And as soon as you lay eyes on him your sold!
I know he's not. what you fantasised about, but he wil be better then your best fantasie. You van teach him to dance too.

Buy something your really love for him.
You found this site. As you say next time you wrok 200% for your girl. (You up your chances a lot)
Don't feel to guilty. I had the guilt. Now I am pg with a girl I know i love my boys just as much as my girl to come.

Everything will be fine! You will love him so much you van hardly breathe!

Congratulations on your beautiful amazing Son!

Give Youssef time to grieve. You gained a Son but lost a imganary daughter (for now) the Feeling has Nothing to do with him.

[blackbekki]

I read once and completely agree it's not the child you carry that your disappointed about its the child you don't have. I have 2 gorgeous little boys ones my sunshine baby he's 4 and my other is my rainbow baby he is 1. I cried when I found out my second was a boy but this was because not even a year before I gave birth to a beautiful 8lb8oz baby girl who I never bonded with as my daughter as I had been team green and waited. She was born 9 days after her due date but had passed days before. I again am pregnant and almost 16 weeks praying for a girl but my nub says boy (90% boy guesses) I have a little hope they are wrong but very much doubt it. Either way I know I will love all my children all the same but I now realise just how precious they are. My advice to you is grief the child you never got not the child your carrying. Look at baby boy photos and just how cute they are.
Believe me you will fall in love as soon as you hold him :) xx


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[blackbekki]

Removed pic of my boys cos it came up in the tap talk home screen for all to see, didn't realise :/ x

[hotdogz&boyz]

Honestly, not being a mother yet...you really, really can't imagine the intense love you will feel for YOUR child once he is here. I actually think GD might be harder that first time around, since you really don't know the joy and overwhelming feelings that come with being a mother and having your very own child. You are in for a treat.

But it's hard to imagine that feeling, since you haven't had it, so it is making this struggle of wondering about bonding with him that much worse. You will bond with and adore your son. Like the others said, it's not really about HIM, although it feel like it is right now. It's about what you didn't get. He will be perfect for you and you will realize that after he is here. But it's okay to grieve the daughter you imagined and the life you thought you would have with her. It's giving up a dream (for the moment) and that is okay to feel really down about. Try not to beat yourself up over that disappointed feeling. It's really not about the child you do have and giving yourself heck about feeling that way won't really make anything better.

Accept that you feel sad, give yourself some time to mourn, and then try to do a few things to celebrate who you are welcoming. Think of some things you can teach your son about dance. Dream about his dance costume with a cute little tie and top hat. Think of him cheering on your dancers at a recital. Imagine him looking up at you when you are dressed to dance and telling you that you are "so, so pretty mama!." Because boys adore their mothers and he will be no exception. You'll be okay once you have time to adjust and once you meet that little person.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Just breathe. It's ok. You are not alone in what you feel. My life is not at all what I had envisioned but I love my boys more than I can ever explain. They are sweet and energized and funny. They look at me with the most love I have ever felt, not always do I feel I deserve it but they believe I do. They are precious and tender and you will see that your child is that and more.
It gets easier. I promise.


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[3BoysBlessed]

I understand. I have three boys. I technically had four but lost one at 14 weeks gestation (before our now two year old son.) it was horrible to lose him, but I also did not experience extreme GD like so many and I found out he was a boy at the exact moment we found out he was dying. The first two were so close in age at less than 2 years apart and it is such a blessing to have to boys who are like best buddies forever. I always joke that they are truly twins born in different years. I always wanted boys and was afraid to have a girl due to my relationship with my mother...then I realized it had nothing to do with it and I'd really live to have a little girl after our second son. However, I do know it is harder as each one comes along and we wonder if it will be the girl (or for some the boy) finally. I really would love a healthy baby girl so much, as well and I m so afraid to be disappointed because the guilt we feel for not having that baby girl is so heavy on our hearts. The thing is, the feeling is real and valid. You have every right to grieve, because at this moment in time, you have felt a loss and that is very real for you and so many others. Let yourself grieve, but then realize that there is hope ahead of you. The third child has seemed to fast forward time and now here we are trying again one more time and hoping for a girl. Best wishes and please allow yourself to feel the way at you need to in order to move on and have faith in what will be what is meant to be. You never know what is in store for you :) big hugs and take care of yourself.


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[Sugaree]

Honestly, not being a mother yet...you really, really can't imagine the intense love you will feel for YOUR child once he is here. I actually think GD might be harder that first time around, since you really don't know the joy and overwhelming feelings that come with being a mother and having your very own child. You are in for a treat.

But it's hard to imagine that feeling, since you haven't had it, so it is making this struggle of wondering about bonding with him that much worse. You will bond with and adore your son. Like the others said, it's not really about HIM, although it feel like it is right now. It's about what you didn't get. He will be perfect for you and you will realize that after he is here. But it's okay to grieve the daughter you imagined and the life you thought you would have with her. It's giving up a dream (for the moment) and that is okay to feel really down about. Try not to beat yourself up over that disappointed feeling. It's really not about the child you do have and giving yourself heck about feeling that way won't really make anything better.

Accept that you feel sad, give yourself some time to mourn, and then try to do a few things to celebrate who you are welcoming. Think of some things you can teach your son about dance. Dream about his dance costume with a cute little tie and top hat. Think of him cheering on your dancers at a recital. Imagine him looking up at you when you are dressed to dance and telling you that you are "so, so pretty mama!." Because boys adore their mothers and he will be no exception. You'll be okay once you have time to adjust and once you meet that little person.
I completely agree with the bolded. I had GD the worst with my first baby and the baby I thought was my last. The ones in between it wasn't as bad because I knew once they were born I'd love them like crazy and their sex wouldn't matter. My first taught me how amazing boys are and how strong a mother's love is.

Good luck.

[flowergirl15]

Why can't your boy be a dancer??

My mom is a dancer too. She doesn't own a studio or anything but she teaches, now mostly little kids. She was a ballerina.
My sister and I both have taken dance. I hated ballet so much...I took jazz for a while. I like dance now but was never my moms "little dancer."
My sister also did ballet and then hip hop and now she's going back to ballet because she got a discount. but her real love is karate.

I'm just saying I wouldn't get caught up on the idea that you've lost a little dancer who will love everything you do. And possibly get your son into dance.

I'm not sure why my brother never took dance classes...he's not the macho type at all too. he does yoga now a lot. He and my mom have a good relationship, he's probably her "favorite."