Upset and Pressured

[BeckMom89]

I know that a lot of you are or have been in the same boat. I feel pressured and it's upsetting me. I am glad I have here to turn because it feels like such a taboo thing to talk about with family and friends. I am dreaming of a baby boy. I am the eldest of 3 daughters and my father is desperate for a grandson. When we visit he rubs my belly and says I can't wait to meet you my boy. My mother wants a grandson desperately too. My husband wants a son to share his interests with. Just recently, I had a u/s and did not see anything between the legs and it left me hopeless. I feel so pressured and lonely. I feel like if I don't have a son what a heartbreak it would be for the people I love. My side of the family has all girls and my husband's is all boys. I always say DD was for my mother in law who has 5 boys and was desperate for a grand-daughter so this one is for my father who never had a son. Some competitive family members just tell me oh it's another girl that's all you people make; and I want to rip them apart! February 2nd is the big day and I'm dreading it and mentally preparing to hear girl. I am preparing for the tears already. I want a healthy baby but I want to find peace in this.

Thanks for reading it means a lot to me.

[pink_bean]

I know how you feel about the pressure but just remember, this YOUR family. They are your children and you are not responsible for giving your parents or inlaws a specific gender. I'm sorry they are making you feel this way. I really don't know what else to say but I hate how people put this pressure on a pregnant woman! Congrats on the baby and I hope you get the gender you hope for.

[Adia]

Well sweetie, I TOTALLY relate on the family pressure. Its very unfair that your parents put any pressure, but unfortunately, life is not fair.

I think one thing that really gets to us as moms is that your child isn't totally accepted for who they are even before birth! That is devastating as a mother. Its as if everyone is putting conditional love on that child based on its gender and that is the ultimate unfairness any human can throw at another human, especially a helpless child who was brought into the world by our desires.

I too had an u/s a few days ago and didn't see anything between the legs BUT the tech was clearly working hard not to leak any gender clues. I have a scan schedule for Saturday to determine the gender now that I am 15 weeks. DH isn't pleased but I am going alone, I will have a strong emotional reaction either way and to maintain some composure I need to be alone.

This has been a long and difficult journey for me in many ways. It has taken me 2 years to get pregnant, 2 miscarriages, I have suffered harsh GD for over 7 years and the family pressure from my family and DH family is intense. DH family has 7 children and I am the only one who has yet to produce a boy. Boys are a HUGE deal in DH family and until a year ago every single time I saw MIL she gave me shit about not having a boy...that's 10 years of "why don't you have a boy?" "when are you having a boy?" Hard to believe a Christian woman can be so stupidly insensitive. Their is plenty of pressure from my family too but I am the black sheep so nothing new??

I STRONGLY recommend you consider keeping the gender to yourself if its a girl. This is one instance where lying is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE. Their is no reason you can't say at the last minute you decided to go team green (and make everyone suffer). Say baby wouldn't cooperate, DD2 would NOT let us see her gender until 28 weeks. I KNOW that would be hard, but it won't be any easier to hear the lame ass comments that will surely come from your family members who are pressuring you for a boy. If its a girl YOU need time to process and come to terms. YOU don't need to sit and take on everyone else's disappointment and frustration. You are human and unless everyone is going to cough up $$ for IVF/PGD, you did the best you could.

Having severe gender disappointment for the last half of a pregnancy is hard enough, the stupid comments that come from everyone around us make it so much worse. If your DH is going to leak the info figure some sort of compromise out because its a bear.

When we found out about DD3 we were crushed. DH and I didn't speak to each other for days. I couldn't face him and he was devastated....it left some scars, more on me than him.

I hope we both hear boy and I fully share your anxiety and stress. I can tell you from first hand experience, do what is best for YOU! This is your life, your pregnancy your child, etc. Hang in there honey....I'm trying too!

[pink_bean]

It's so hurtful to us mamas when someone expresses disappointment over gender or prefers one gender over the other. Even if WE have a preference we know we don't have a choice and it hurts to hear other people essentially say we failed.

When I was pregnant with my first, two coworkers basically said "oh darn I wanted it to be a girl." One of them pretty much threw a tantrum over it. Before I knew the gender someone went on and on about how civilized little girls were and how boys were just like animals who would pee all over my house! I was devastated because my gut feeling was that baby was a boy.

With number two it was my husband's family that got on my nerves. I heard, oh well maybe next time. And on my due date my husbands grandmother asked what I was having. When I said "boy" she said "what, you don't like girls?" And went on and on about how families of girls are the best. I went home and cried. When she met my son for the first time, it wasn't long until she told me to "have a girl." Because you know, it's so easy, apparently to just have what you want. Or what someone else wants you to have.

As a boy mom, I see women dismiss baby boys as the booby prize and gush about how amazing girls are and it hurts. But I know girl moms get plenty of negative comments, too. It's like if you don't have one of each your family doesn't have value.

To me the only acceptable thing to say to a woman when she is pregnant is congratulations!

[atomic sagebrush]

Just remember, there is NO ONE who can only make only girls or boys!!!

Sending you tons of superpowerful atomic blue dust!

[BeckMom89]

Adia, words can't fix any hurt we may feel but your words helped me so much. I hope that by you sharing your story you find peace and healing. I will be praying super hard for healthy baby boys for us. I'll be thinking about you.

[BeckMom89]

Pink bean thank you for sharing your story. When we feel alone in emotions it is helpful to see someone trying to walk in their own shoes with their head held high. I appreciate you.

[BeckMom89]

Atomic as usual, you are a inspirational person. Thank you for helping not just me but everyone.

[jen75]

Hi there hun,
do you know i don't even think your family mean to put such pressure on you and would probably be really sad if they knew how they were making you feel, they just don't think. that's what i try to tell myself and it helps me not to be so angry and hurt. i do understand that it makes you feel like you have failed them, but its just not true, you have no control over what you have conceived, you did your best and you are giving them a grandchild, who they will love and adore. I hope you hear boy, but if not and you need to say how you are really feeling we are here for you. hugs to you mama.xxx Things will seem better when you are not pregnant, those pesky hormones make everything seem 1000 times worse. xxxx

[amo]

I completely understand how you feel. My husband is one of three boys and his parents and grandparents made no secret of their desire for a girl after my first son was born, I was told to "get it right next time". I myself wanted a girl next and as a result felt so much pressure to produce a girl, I'm now 24 weeks with my second boy.
I felt I couldn't tell people when my 20 week scan was because of the anxiety so I told people it was later than it was, then of course the truth came out as it always does and it's caused more problems.
I wish we'd told people we'd decided not to find out the gender or said it couldn't be seen during the scan and just found out for ourselves to be honest. Maybe that's an approach you could take as once the baby is here no one will care what gender you've had. Or if you feel ready later on in your pregnancy you can say you've had a gender scan and announce it then?
But here's hoping you get your boy and none of this will be an issue. x