Blaming myself and very angry too

[CattyPad]

Hi guys
Sorry I havent updated for ages but I have been feeling up and down, up when in denial and down when trying to accept.

I swayed for a girl and got pregnant straight away, first try, much to my surprise since my DS took 12 months to be conceived. I am now 18weeks pregnant, and at my 14 week scan my ob guessed boy. I actually asked him not to look at gender during the scan as I wasn't ready to know (I suspected boy due to boy nub guesses). But before leaving his office i asked him if he was leaning boy or girl and he said "don't throw your DS clothes away".

Half the time I am ok because I am in denial and hoping my ob was wrong, but the other half I am devastated. This is my last baby, and I officially won't have a daughter, ever. Please don't take this the wrong way but don't tell me about the fantastic bond my children will have etc, because that really doesn't help. Nothing does.
I am just so angry. Angry because I have read a trillion times "Timing doesn't work" but then I read all these stupid posts on the internet where all these women conceived their girls by dtd'ing 2/3 days before OV and I start thinking it was my stupid fault for conceiving on pos opk.

I also get angry with myself because I started TTC after one month of swaying (DS took so long and I am not that young that I thought it would take a few months) and got pregnant straight away. I should have waited right??

I am just so so so scared of having two boys. I am so angry with the world and the universe and everything you can think of. Things have been quite hard the last few years and I really thought it was time for some happiness. This is my last pregnancy and yet again I really am not enjoying it.

Sorry for the extremely long rant :(

[atomic sagebrush]

Well, I really hope you're not angry at me because I"m telling you, I spend hours a day for the past 6 years doing research and TIMING DOES NOT SWAY. People think that it does because they hear about it and then assume that's when they conceived their DD but without having an ultrasound done, no one can pinpoint ovulation beyond random chance even with temping, charting, and monitoring CM and CP, it simply is not possible and thus every single person you hear about who "conceived girls with cutoffs" has no idea when they got their DD.

PS - many people who DTD on positive OPK DO have 2 day cutoffs. Pos OPK is NOT ovulation day.

Tons of people get girls that first month out.

I know nothing helps at this point, but the baby's birth WILL help and I hope over time it gets easier for you. ((((Hugs))))

[CattyPad]

Well, I really hope you're not angry at me"

As if!! Who could be angry with you, you have been super helpful and sweet to me. You give advice and ultimately we chose to follow it. I just get paranoid when I read stuff like that.

PS - many people who DTD on positive OPK DO have 2 day cutoffs. Pos OPK is NOT ovulation day.

Well I didn't know that, thanks for clarifying.

Tons of people get girls that first month out.

I just wonder if it was my fault for being impatient and getting started with dtd :(

[amo]

I really feel for you as nearly exactly the same thing happened to me. I wanted to sway pink and had a plan, mainly timing and ph (this was before I found this site) I got pregnant first time then unfortunately miscarried, then I got a bit impatient and dtd a day before ovulation thinking of course I won't get pregnant straight away again but I did! I'm now 25 weeks with you guessed it, my second boy.
I too am very angry with myself and the world and everyone who doesn't understand or says the usual lines "be grateful for what you have" or "as long as it's healthy" blah blah blaaaah.
There's nothing I or anyone can say to make the anger go away, I just hope that meeting our boys will take the pain away. I've read so many stories on here and I'm sure people will tell you as they've told me that this will get better.
I sure hope it does. But in the meantime I know exactly how you feel, so you're not alone. xxx

[atomic sagebrush]

I honestly don't care if people DO get mad at me and throw darts at a giant atomic sagebrush dartboard LOL if it makes them feel better - but I just hate to see anyone tying themselves into knots over timing of all things, because above all else, that is the one thing I believe proven beyond a doubt that it simply cannot work. :)

There are literally hundreds of us on here who got boy after boy with those cutoffs - myself included. I got at least 3 of my boys with cutoffs, a couple of them were quite far out (the 4th was a sneak attack and not sure with him) and then my daughter I got late at night the day before O, so a perfect Shettles boy attempt, and her ovulation was confirmed by ultrasound so no doubt that's when I got her. :)

When sways go wrong it is NEVER your fault. You do what you can and then you have to turn it over to a "higher power" whether that is a religious deity or something like Lady Luck or MOther Nature, and the ultimate result is out of our hands.

[CattyPad]

Thank you Amo. Exactly, there is nothing anyone can say, I am angry, and I feel I need to be angry and let this anger out.
Yes apparently it will get better with ds1 it didn't until I gave birth. I am not a great pregnant person anyway so I guess it's a waiting game again.

Atomic: thank you, I feel a bit better now, at least regarding the timing. I still think maybe I should have waited a tad longer to TTC. Seriously, how can ds1 take TWELVE months and this one ONE attempt?! Argh. Trust my luck.

I gotta add, I do not regret giving swaying a go at all. A lot of people have said it made the fall worse, but for me no. My only regret is not waiting at least one more month.
I was pretty malnourished, had very low ph, boiled my DH's jewels before dtd, made him take OLE, sprayed the whole bed with stinky lavender oils, made sure it was a new moon...etc.... I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

In the meantime, I am just holding onto a teeny bit of hope that my doctor saw a lady nub, desperate I know.

[trifecta]

I just wanted to pipe in to say please don't kick yourself about timing/cuftoffs. I trust atomic's research that timing doesn't sway but I can also tell you anecdotally that it doesn't sway. The month my oldest son was conceived we DTD five days before ovulation. We were TTC but I was really surprised it ended up happening that month.

[CattyPad]

I am getting worse. I keep thinking horrible things.
I honestly thought I'd be ok this time round as I have experienced motherhood and love my DS so much.
But I am not. I just don't know what to do. Well I can't do anything can I.
I am so so sad, I feel so robbed, cheated and angry.

[zahararose]

I am so sorry CattyPad, I have been in your shoes and it's awful (and I'm very likely to be in them again in a few days when I find out about my last baby and likely Ds3). Cry and let it go and then go shopping for the new one and try to think as many positive thoughts as you can - you will love this boy more than you thought possible and you will be surprised how different he is from your first boy. This is not your fault at all and it will be ok in the end. Hugs and lots of love.

[Adia]

I hope you don't mind. I wrote the response I am posting below to amo a few weeks ago when she was hitting that horrible GD wall. I really can't think of anything more relevant to say to you than what I wrote in response to her. I hope it helps. Big hugs honey.
********************************
Well honey...I remember being where you are when I found out about DD3. DH and I were so crushed we didn't speak to each other for a whole weekend. I couldn't face him and he just looked devastated.

I relate well to the dread. As I got bigger and bigger and giving birth got closer the comments from the local idiots got worse and my dread grew. I wanted the whole thing to go away too but a massive belly didn't help that. Not being pregnant anymore made a world of difference but until then this is a challenge.

My advice to you would be keep the gender to yourself unless you are telling someone you KNOW will be compassionate. Strangers just don't deserve the right to drain you of your emotions, you need them for yourself right now.

If someone wants to discuss your pregnancy/gender/etc and you don't feel like it all you have to say politely is "I don't want to discuss that right now". The older I get the more I cherish direct and blunt (but polite) communication.

Their is something to be said for "fake it until you make it'. I am not suggesting that you act excited or bubbly about something you are NOT excited about, but you are a mum and you are raising kids and being a wife so that is what you are doing. No where does life dictate that you have to do that with excessive joy and excitement. Just go through the motions and in time you will move on from this grief.

Allowing the grieving process to run its course is always advisable. If you don't know much about it reading up on it and finding your place in it can't hurt, might help. It can give you hope that you will eventually come out of it.

It may be advisable to speak to a counselor too. Even over the phone. With DD3 I lived overseas on a small military base and the counselors were morons. If I had been stateside when I found out about DD3 I would have gotten some help. Counseling has always helped me, even in short spurts.

Using the Serenity Prayer and the phrase "this too shall pass" can only help in those deep dark moment. Don't think you are alone, many of us have been there and are here to tell you it will pass. Try to be nicer to yourself than anyone else would be, this is your life, your grief, and your challenge. Its up to you, in many ways, to work through it and come out of it with the learning and understanding that only you can find.

As we wait to find out about this baby's gender, the dread of another girl is there, but I conquered my grief with DD3 and in the end I am happy to be able to have a 4th baby so I'll be fine either way. You will be where I am at one day too, I promise.

Big hugs mama...this pregnant lady cries at everything these days and thinking of the struggle you are in the middle of is making me cry. I PROMISE it will be ok. And what the future holds is irrelevant to today. Live in today and soon enough your "todays" will not be haunted by gender disappointment but the joys of living, being a mum and a wife.

[3girl]

Cattypad--I'm so sorry I can relate. I still can't believe I'm having DS3. I am still bitter my sway didn't work. I went all out. I also have a regret. We used a little bit of preseed. I still think if we didn't use that I would have my girl. This is also my second boy conceived with one attempt, and my second son was a 3-4 day cutoff (and one attempt as well). Please give it time, I've known since 16 weeks and I'm slowly coming around. I bought a couple cute outfits, spent some time on Pinterest, ect. and I find myself feeling some excitement. Especially when he kicks. Have you heard that song by Garth Brooks about a baby meeting his mother fit the first time? It is a tear jerker and a reminder how precious our boys lives are!!! I've been telling myself that sometimes the greatest gifts in life are unanswered prayers.

[pink_bean]

I know how you feel. I tried to sway with my second and feel like I messed it up and really blamed myself when I found out it was another boy. But inevitably swaying is just to "sway" the odds, nothing is a guarantee. so, please don't blame yourself. All I can tell you is I was devastated to have another boy but he is now 8 months old and the absolute love of my life! So, now I'm glad I messed up my sway because I can't imagine my life without him. I came here for support after I found out and everyone said "he was meant to be" "there is nothing like the bond brothers have" and I was gracious but thought "blah, blah, blah! I wanted a girl!"

Well, all I can say is I couldn't see it then but they were right! I believe when he is here you will see it, too. The pregnancy hormones make it so much harder. I won't say your desire to have a girl will go away, (mine hasn't) but your new son will bring you more joy than you could ever imagine right now.

[Mrs.tinkerbell]

I concived my boy day 9 of my 28 day cycle and my girl on day 13 what the clear blue monitor said as my most fertile day first month trying so don't think u have done anything wrong we sway to help are chances u done all you could don't beat yourself up. Hope u feel better soon xx

[CattyPad]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. They really help.
I am up and down so much, I guess when I am up it's on the denial days.
I have another scan tomorrow.
I am dreading it!. I really wish I could be excited, I promised myself after my horrific first pregnancy I wouldn't do this again!
I will update. Hugs everyone.

[sweetdream]

Something that helped me before is to see my child as my baby instead of son/daughter.

I looked at newborn pics and thought about what i would feel if someone lay them at my doorstep.

I wouldnt think about gender but just wanting to comfort and cuddle the baby.

Maybe it helps. Your gonna watch your beautifull baby. That sweet little bundle who will love you to death.

I couldnt really think about a boy. While pg. Those hormones suck! I cant picture another boy.
But i could remember the feeling of holding and smelling a newborn.
Its just easyer once you can hold them and it gets to be a person instead of a boy/girl.

I hope you find peace soon.

[Magical22]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. They really help.
I am up and down so much, I guess when I am up it's on the denial days.
I have another scan tomorrow.
I am dreading it!. I really wish I could be excited, I promised myself after my horrific first pregnancy I wouldn't do this again!
I will update. Hugs everyone.

How did your scan go???


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[CattyPad]

Crap, I am a mess :(

23225

[3girl]

I'm so sorry, Cattypad. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I promise as time passes the news will get a little easier to digest. Hugs!

[CattyPad]

I am even considering a third now even thought we always wanted just two. But then there is no way I want 3 boys. I am so so so so anxious and I just don't know what to do (i am one of these people that *need* to do something when things dont go to plan, cant just sit and wait) :(

[sweetdream]

Sweety can't you just keep the option for a third?

After ds 3 wich was supposed to be our last we just left the option for a fourth (and def final)
That gave peace. And made me enjoy my little man (men)
We had An idea when to consider a fourth.
In the end I stalled it and almost had peace just having my three boys.
We said we tried for 6 months if we Could get a girl. In the 5th I got pg with our girl.
But I had made peace with just my boys. Thought it wasn't gonna happen.

In the end just not Closing the door completely made mit possible to enjoy what I had.

[Mrs.tinkerbell]

Sorry you didn't Here pink! I'm sure he will be gorgeous and your boys will be best of friends. Maybe just keep your options open for a third for now. Hope you feel better about it all soon xx

[1+2+3boys]

So sorry you aren't getting your much longed for girl. Hugs. I was in such disbelief when at 16 weeks I found out BOTH of my twins were boys. I only wanted one girl but I wanted her so bad and we only planned to have 3 kids. Having the option of one more made it so much easier to deal with. I couldn't let go and only want another to get her. A 4th boy just is not an option for me so DP has agreed to HT when we can afford it. (which could be a long way off) Is it any chance for you? It seemed like such an unlikely fantasy to start with but having a daughter is important to me so I at least have to try. THe HT ladies have taught me so much and I know will make the journey so much easier.

Buying extra special clothes (online in the boys section) helped a little, maybe you could try too

[CattyPad]

Before I found out this is another boy I said there was no way I'd have 3 children (I dislike being pregnant with a passion).
After my nub shot I said if this really was a boy there was no way I'd risk having a other boy so I'd have to go HT.
And now reality has hit me I considering swaying for a third. The problem is, we can't afford ht and time isn't in our side, I am 38!! :( otherwise I could try to save.
But Swaying is too risky. A third boy would send me over the edge. (I am already balancing on that edge as we speak).
My main problem is one that has no solution: I don't want three kids, and I don't want two boys. I know. Ridiculous now.

[1+2+3boys]

Sorry to hear this. It is such an impossibly difficult situation some times. We can not afford HT and I really don't want any more children because I am going over the edge with what I can handle with three but I do have the luxury of time. I really hope you can come to peace whatever happens. It is always harder when pregnant too, especially since you say you don't do pregnancy well. I'm not one of those ladies who can string a sonet out of thin air to make others feel much better but remember we are all here to listen to you and you can vent as much as you like on this forem of understanding ladies

[CattyPad]

Thank you 123, I appreciate your reply, and all the support in this forum. You guys know exactly how I feel.

Will this pain ease? Will I stop thinking horrible things?

My husband doesn't understand me. He Is worried this pain and anger is consuming me.

[Kittybear]

I can assure you that you WILL be ok and you will love this new little guy. Please trust me.

My GD during my DS2 pregnancy was practically unbearable. I couldn't even think beyond the end of it (his birth and arrival) as I was so scared.

That was 4 months ago, and now I cannot imagine any existence that does not involve him. He is amazing. So like his big brother, and yet so much himself. Yes he is a boy but he is still 50% me. I knew his soul the second I held him in my arms. He has healed me.

I cannot say that I do not want a daughter anymore (I still hope to have 1 some day) but the GD is not as all consuming as before. My children happen to be boys; if anyone thinks badly of me or them because of their gender, then they are damn fools.

Give yourself time to grieve the girl that your new son is not; that is not the same as not loving him, and you will, and he will amaze you every day. Your sons will be so thankful to their mama for giving them each other.

Xx

[Magical22]

I have two boys they are so adorable and so different I wouldn't swap them for anything! I think having two boys is great you are giving your son a brother someone who he can rely on when he is older they will be best mates for sure. I have a sister and I'm so much closer to her then my brother and my husband is so much closer to his brothers then his sister. If your son had a choice I think he would choose to have a brother on the way :)

I feel sorry for pigeon pairs they will never understand the love of a sister and sister and the brother in arms of a brother and brother! No on will have your sons back more then your other son and when your not around and they are at school or out clubbing when they older its good to know that!

I might not have a princess but in my family its me :)


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[amo]

Hugs! I really feel for you, I have good days and bad days, some days it's all I can think of and some days I'm ok with it. I try not to talk about it to be honest as it doesn't help me, even with the very few people who understand, it just hurts to talk about it. Shopping doesn't help me either, I think it's still too soon.
The only thing that helped was talking to DH and knowing number 3 is on the table for the future and possibly even HT if we can. We may not do it but knowing we could has eased the pain.
Another thing that's helped is baby has become very very active and feeling him moving and kicking makes me realise he's my baby and I'm really eager to meet him now.
xxx

[lemonade]

CattyPad, I know how you're feeling. I was just starting a "girl sway" but fell pregnant out of carelessness just two weeks into it. I knew right away it was a huge mistake and hoped I wasn't actually pregnant. I was. My first trimester was miserable. I was NOT ready to be pregnant again so soon. The only thing that would make it worth it was if it was finally the daughter I always dreamed of. So of course that was all I could think/worry about for my entire first trimester. It didn't help when I learned that everyone, including some strangers, also suddenly seemed to care about my baby being a girl too. So the pressure was suddenly both internal and external.

I paid for a private early scan because I couldn't bear not knowing anymore and sure enough it was another boy. The combination of hormones and GD drove me into prenatal depression. It got slightly better after the first trimester.

Seeing him on a 4D ultrasound in my third trimester did help a great deal because he became a real baby to me, not just an abstract concept. I loved staring at his squishy baby face and daydreaming about him being here.

But what helped most of all was simply not being pregnant anymore. Once he was here I fell in love and he was no longer just "another boy"... he was MY brand new baby, so tiny in my arms. (It's easy to forget just how precious and helpless newborns are.) I think it's pretty safe to say he was worth it, because he is absolutely adorable, much more of a mama's boy than my first, and loves to cuddle. And bonus: my son now has a brother now to play with (and keep each other busy), and I kind of think it's adorable to have a "matching set". You can't see it now, but it's so much different when they're actually here.

[CattyPad]

Thank you all for your replies. It means a lot to me.
I am sat here in tears reading them, you all understand it all so well because you have gone through it. And it gives me hope.
This is so so hard. I guess I won't get better until he's born, right now I am numb and so not interested in this pregnancy.
I am dreading 20 more weeks of this.

Do you know what makes it worse? I keep reading in GD forums "it's not that I don't want this boy, I just mourn not having a girl". I only ever wanted two girls. Then after having my DS I became excited about having one of each. Now I am just devastated. And i probably sound like a monster for saying that.

[XXforhubby]

You don't sound like a monster at all! It is ok for you to still be angry/sad- get it all out now! Now is the time to work through this so you can be the mother your DS needs you to be once he comes. Hang in there and be forgiving to yourself during this time. You are doing your best to come to grips with this- it is hard. During times like this, I always remember the quote I saw in my DH's late Aunt's house, "All things are difficult before they are easy." This is so true. What you are going through right now is incredibly difficult for you. But I do know that as you make your way through this, it will get better for you once he is here. You will have to adjust, but let your DS help you, because he will be the best medicine for you.

❤️❤️❤️


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[2boysJustOneGirl]

I agree with lemonade. I had a 4d ultrasound of my ds2 and it's helped me begin to overcome some of the feelings you also share. I think in really dark times we must see that a child is truly a miracle and also that gender doesn't define somebody. A gay friend said "it's not about sex, it's about being a human". That profoundly changed the was I look at my boys.
I know it's hard to accept that your dream didn't quite come true and it will always hurt at some level. But time will heal you.


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[Oziclaire]

Hi CattyPad,

I have been reading these posts for a couple of months now but only responding today because I only just registered as a member. I feel like I am walking in your shoes!
I have an adorable 2.5 year old son, and I am pregnant with my second son due early June. When are you due?

Like you I wanted a daughter first, because I was scared of never having a daughter (I have a terrible relationship with my abusive mother and I think having a daughter was my only chance at experiencing a hopefully balanced mother-daughter relationship), but I had a son (I was team green, a bit of a shock at birth!). After a bit of adjustment I thought that was ok, I would have a daughter next, and I convince myself again and again that surely I wouldn't be part of the "unlucky" ones.
When time to conceive arrived I had looked a bit into swaying and had started a very mild sway (timing basically and reduced salt, increased dairy, no banana and less caffeine) and I got pregnant straight away to what I thought was my miracle baby: 5 days cut-off first try! Not only that but the baby was due at Christmas, I was sure it was my "miracle baby" and it was a girl. Sadly I lost "her" at 8-9 weeks and to make things worse the miscarriage lasted 3 months due to complications.
So as soon as I had the ok to TTC again, I did, I just wanted that baby back. Only my ovulation came 2 days early, I had a positive ovulation test but still went ahead and got pregnant (no diet and with a one-day cut-off, I know because I get ovulation pain and later confirmed by dating scan). I told myself the whole time I would be fine, I had decided to go against timing but that was ok I would still get a girl, if I thought positively it would happen. Well it is a boy and I have been very sad for the last 2 months.

Like you I am blaming myself and the world. Like you I am 38 years old, so I don't have the luxury of time for a third child. Like you I am from Europe but I actually live in Australia so I have to visit family in Europe every second year, that is a huge budget and we won't be able to afford it with 3 children. Like you I think I am crazy thinking about a third one that was never my plan when my second son is not even born yet! I had this idea of a boy and a girl so firmly set in my mind, and I am very sad it will never be. And of course everyone around me is having a daughter.

Yesterday was a very sad day for me, it was the anniversary of the conception of the baby that I lost. I can't stop wishing "she" had survived, and that makes me feel terrible for the poor little baby that is kicking inside me :(.

Anyhow, that is just to say that I feel your pain, I am exactly there and I understand your issues. I really hope it gets much better once the baby is there in our arms. I don't want to be a mother that gets jealous of other families every time I go to a playground, I want to be happy with the family I have. I know I will love him as much as I love his brother, but it hurts every single time I see a pigeon pair around!

Hugs.

[Claire33]

Cattypad, how are you doing? I hope you are doing a bit better now. I too have been in that dark place, it feels like being trapped in a nightmare, something you never ever wanted for yourself. One day you will find your dark place slowly turning into normal everyday life full of fun and love. HT doesn't have to be all that expensive, especially in the Czech republic, if you start saving now. I understand you don't have age on your side though. Big hug to you!

Big hug to you too Oziclaire! No chance you can do HT in the Czech republic when you are in Europe on holiday?