boy bashing

[pink_bean]

This is just a vent but it really gets to me when some moms of multiple boys or worse girl moms who never want boys, go on rants on GD forums about how terrible having boys is. I have 2 small boys so maybe I don't know what I'm in for and yes, I wish I had a daughter too. But my boys are both very sweet, handsome and well behaved for their age. Do they do annoying things sometimes? Yes but all kids do (and adults too, let's be real.) Do I wish I could do girly things with a daughter and buy pretty clothes for her? Of course, but how does bashing boys make me feel better about not getting to do this?

I understand people need to vent when they have GD. I definitely get that but I think there is a way to do it that might be more purposeful and helpful to someone else in the same situation. But maybe I will be eating my words someday but for now it just feels very hurtful to read some of the terrible things mothers think of little boys.

I don't see the bashing happen much on this board, I feel like we all love our children we just wish we could experience the other side. That's what we are disappointed about. It seems like most of the women here try and be supportive and encourage positivity when someone has GD and I think that is why I feel comfortable here. Sorry I was just lurking on another board and the boy bashing really depressed me.

[hotdogz&boyz]

I get irritated with gender stereotypes anyway. Negative ones are especially irritating. I've found that folks tend to have negative opinions about little boys and teenage girls. So, really, you can't win no matter what you get. Lol.

I have three boys and a girl and, so far, I don't think any of them fit into typical stereotypes. My oldest is very emotional and rather introverted. HE is also impatient as all get out. My second is LOUD and constantly happy. HE loves to color and build puzzles for hours. My third is demanding and never stops moving. SHE also loves shoes and climbing onto the counters. My fourth is a baby, so we don't know what he will end up being like. I'm sure it will be his own unique person.

I really understand it. I know stereotypes came about because someone noticed trends. But there are so many who don't fit those stereotypes. And so many who DO, who are sort of "forced" into it because they are acting out a self-fulfilling prophecy. I do believe that if a parent thinks a son will be loud and wild and unruly...that is probably how their child will be if they don't change their view. Either because they can't stop letting their stereotypes color their perception, or because their child will be labeled as such so often, the child will begin to live up to that belief.

Try not to let it get to you. You know the real story about little boys. That they an be wonderful and joyous and so loving...just like a little girl.

[tm29]

I'm a girl mom completely longing for a little boy and from my perspective it feels like everyone makes it sound so much better to have a boy! I can't tell you how lucky I think you are to have boys! But your points are so right - the stereotypes are ridiculous and distorting. Having said that, there genuinely are different experiences to be had with boys and girls or we wouldn't all be doing this. I can understand the desire for a girl AND I can understand the desire for a boy. Makes total sense to want both experiences if age and fertility and finances will allow it. Bashing of either gender seems to me to have more to do with deep seated personal issues relating to that gender which someone may or may not be aware of. I was terrified of having a girl because of my bad relationship with my mother. Unconsciously I though I'd only have a positive experience of motherhood if it was NOTHING like me and my mother. Before I undersold this, if you'd asked me why I wanted a boy I would have said 'they're so much more fun' or some other stereotyping statement. But the truth was more complex and personal - as it is every time someone diminishes either gender in my opinion.

[tm29]

Understood not undedsold

[jessicamickelson2015]

I would like a man I am able to call a man....

[jessicamickelson2015]

Understood not undedsold
[I[emoji5] [/IMG]


I would like a man I am able to call a man....

[Claire33]

I haven't read much boy bashing here or on Ingender. In real life on the other hand... a bit too much boy bashing! I just tell people who do boy bashing that my eldest is the easiest and most relaxed child you can get, easier than most girls. That usually shuts them up! My youngest is proving to be pretty chilled out too, everybody comments on how easy and relaxed he is. My middle one is most feisty. Personality says more than gender, that's for sure!

[Claire33]

Pink bean, that is also the reason I wanted a girl, in order to "correct" the mistakes my mother made with me, which is crazy if you think about it. I wanted to give a daughter the mother I never had, and I ended up with 3 boys instead. I also realize now that giving a child a loving mother can just as well be done with boys. Boys need a loving kind mother just as much as a girl does. I can give my boys just as much love as any daughter. And with my boys I don't feel the pressure to be "perfect", which is believe is good for both me and them.

[pink_bean]

Pink bean, that is also the reason I wanted a girl, in order to "correct" the mistakes my mother made with me, which is crazy if you think about it. I wanted to give a daughter the mother I never had, and I ended up with 3 boys instead. I also realize now that giving a child a loving mother can just as well be done with boys. Boys need a loving kind mother just as much as a girl does. I can give my boys just as much love as any daughter. And with my boys I don't feel the pressure to be "perfect", which is believe is good for both me and them.
I completely agree, boys need a loving, attentive mother just as much as girls. I realized after becoming a mother, I'm not the perfect mother I imagined I would be, and that's ok. I can still be a good mom. When I was pregnant with my first son I told another mom that I thought having a boy would be easier. I had GD and I really meant it would be easier for me (because I'm not good at doing hair, among other reasons). I realize now I shouldn't have said that as she had 2 girls but I was really trying to make myself feel better, not make someone else feel bad. I still think in some ways I will be a better boy mom even if I wanted a daughter.

[trifecta]

I completely agree, boys need a loving, attentive mother just as much as girls. I realized after becoming a mother, I'm not the perfect mother I imagined I would be, and that's ok. I can still be a good mom. When I was pregnant with my first son I told another mom that I thought having a boy would be easier. I had GD and I really meant it would be easier for me (because I'm not good at doing hair, among other reasons). I realize now I shouldn't have said that as she had 2 girls but I was really trying to make myself feel better, not make someone else feel bad. I still think in some ways I will be a better boy mom even if I wanted a daughter.

I want a daughter but I too thought raising boys would be easier than girls. In reality, now that I'm parenting them, having boys doesn't absolve me of my childhood baggage as I thought it would. I really wanted a boy and then a girl because I thought my issues with my older sister would make it hard for me to deal with sibling rivalry if I had a girl first. As it turns out I have two boys and sibling rivalry is STILL a hot-button issue for me. I have to work really hard to keep some emotional distance. I think in many ways birth order is more important than gender.

[hopper]

There does seem to be a lot of boy bashing both online and IRL. I am part of a group of mothers who all gave birth within a 6 month period, we met online and talk on FB regularly on a private group. Several of them have recently had their DD after having a DS first and they are all so quick to tell me to enjoy my boys cause boys are easier than girls. I don't buy into this for one moment! IMO it is completely down to the individual, stereotypes be damned!! There are only 3 of us from a group of 30 to have all boys and it is ALWAYS being said "Oh I bet you wish you had a girl!" There's one mother with 2 girls and due her third child later this year, she doesn't know the gender but she says the only reason she would want a boy is "for" her DH. Like boys aren't for their mothers too!! My SIL asked me one day why I kept a memory box for each of my boys - like why would I bother being sentimental!! She has 2 girls and kept nothing of theirs.

[PrimalMamma]

Yeah I'm pregnant with DS3 (due in 5 weeks) & holy moly, the reactions of some people - absolute dismay, I've had a few say "Oh no!" Like it is the worst thing that could happen, and one even said "I feel SO sorry for you" and then went on & on about how terrible and awful boys are, how painful it will be to be the "mother-in-law" and how neglected I will be in old age (my 2 biggest fears) and then, to try to fix what she had said, she said "Well, with 3 sons you might get lucky, maybe one of them will marry a girl whose mother has DIED and you can become like her mother & it will all be ok." Like there was no other option - a daughter-in-law with no mother would be the only thing that could POSSIBLY fix my life if I couldn't have a daughter of my own. Anyway today I am off to see Cinderella with my eldest son (he's turning 6 tomorrow) because I also don't believe in gender stereotyping and he wants to see it and HIS idea of a happily ever after is getting married & having babies. So in your face to that snooty girl mother! [emoji12]

[Claire33]

OMG, people are just so rude and inconsiderate! :mad:

I've also gone to "girly" films with my sons, they enjoy them just as much as any girl! And when my kids get older, I will ask my boys to join me at the spa :)

[trifecta]

Yeah I'm pregnant with DS3 (due in 5 weeks) & holy moly, the reactions of some people - absolute dismay, I've had a few say "Oh no!" Like it is the worst thing that could happen, and one even said "I feel SO sorry for you" and then went on & on about how terrible and awful boys are, how painful it will be to be the "mother-in-law" and how neglected I will be in old age (my 2 biggest fears) and then, to try to fix what she had said, she said "Well, with 3 sons you might get lucky, maybe one of them will marry a girl whose mother has DIED and you can become like her mother & it will all be ok." Like there was no other option - a daughter-in-law with no mother would be the only thing that could POSSIBLY fix my life if I couldn't have a daughter of my own.
Oh wow, what an unbelievable lack of self-awareness some people have.

[pink_bean]

Yeah I'm pregnant with DS3 (due in 5 weeks) & holy moly, the reactions of some people - absolute dismay, I've had a few say "Oh no!" Like it is the worst thing that could happen, and one even said "I feel SO sorry for you" and then went on & on about how terrible and awful boys are, how painful it will be to be the "mother-in-law" and how neglected I will be in old age (my 2 biggest fears) and then, to try to fix what she had said, she said "Well, with 3 sons you might get lucky, maybe one of them will marry a girl whose mother has DIED and you can become like her mother & it will all be ok." Like there was no other option - a daughter-in-law with no mother would be the only thing that could POSSIBLY fix my life if I couldn't have a daughter of my own. Anyway today I am off to see Cinderella with my eldest son (he's turning 6 tomorrow) because I also don't believe in gender stereotyping and he wants to see it and HIS idea of a happily ever after is getting married & having babies. So in your face to that snooty girl mother! [emoji12]
Well, I will say congrats to you on your new son! People are so rude. How is having a healthy baby something to be sorry about? Im sorry you have to hear those comments.

[pink_bean]

There does seem to be a lot of boy bashing both online and IRL. I am part of a group of mothers who all gave birth within a 6 month period, we met online and talk on FB regularly on a private group. Several of them have recently had their DD after having a DS first and they are all so quick to tell me to enjoy my boys cause boys are easier than girls. I don't buy into this for one moment! IMO it is completely down to the individual, stereotypes be damned!! There are only 3 of us from a group of 30 to have all boys and it is ALWAYS being said "Oh I bet you wish you had a girl!" There's one mother with 2 girls and due her third child later this year, she doesn't know the gender but she says the only reason she would want a boy is "for" her DH. Like boys aren't for their mothers too!! My SIL asked me one day why I kept a memory box for each of my boys - like why would I bother being sentimental!! She has 2 girls and kept nothing of theirs.


I have a memory box for my boys, too. ��

[pink_bean]

Yeah I'm pregnant with DS3 (due in 5 weeks) & holy moly, the reactions of some people - absolute dismay, I've had a few say "Oh no!" Like it is the worst thing that could happen, and one even said "I feel SO sorry for you" and then went on & on about how terrible and awful boys are, how painful it will be to be the "mother-in-law" and how neglected I will be in old age (my 2 biggest fears) and then, to try to fix what she had said, she said "Well, with 3 sons you might get lucky, maybe one of them will marry a girl whose mother has DIED and you can become like her mother & it will all be ok." Like there was no other option - a daughter-in-law with no mother would be the only thing that could POSSIBLY fix my life if I couldn't have a daughter of my own. Anyway today I am off to see Cinderella with my eldest son (he's turning 6 tomorrow) because I also don't believe in gender stereotyping and he wants to see it and HIS idea of a happily ever after is getting married & having babies. So in your face to that snooty girl mother! [emoji12]

My husband thinks I should consider myself lucky to have to boys who will protect me. He LOVES his mom, his face lights up when they talk on the phone. (She is in another country.) Also, my grandpa and his brothers took care of their mom when she was old. And my paternal grandmother lives with one of her sons and his family (and she has 3 daughters!)Actually, I could go on and on with examples of people I know. So, that's BS that boys will abandon their moms. I moved thousands of miles away from my mom, to get away from her. So, having a daughter doesn't guarantee a thing! I think it's all in the relationship you build with your children.

Also, I think all girl moms get hurtful comments, too. Maybe things like "your poor husband" or other rude variations of the same.

[Claire33]

I'm always happy to read stories of men looking after their elderly mothers. My mom definitely fuels my GD by going on and on about how things are so much easier with an own daughter rather than a son and/or daughter-in-law.

She has 2 daughters and a son. She also has a sister and 2 brothers. My mother and aunt were most involved in the care of my elderly grandmother while my uncles also came to visit, but did more things like gardening and fixing things. Which is also really valuable btw! My mom and aunt were actually over involved in her care and didn't allow the care home she eventually moved to, to do a lot of the things they were supposed to do. So I really don't get that. So my mom still goes on about how women look after their mothers and how it's more complicated with sons. Well, now both her daughters live far away from her, and her only child left in her area is her son. Way to alienate your son and his family!

I am not close to my mother, and I really don't feel like taking care of her when she is old. She is not a loving mother and I don't feel like all of a sudden being caring towards her when my entire life she has criticized me and put me down, and had major anger issues and most definitely an undiagnosed personality disorder. So seriously mom, don't expect me to come to your care home several times a week and take care of you! I really hope my brother steps up to the plate, as he is the one living closest. Although things are not going well there either, as my brother just had his first baby and my mom is already screwing things up by commenting on how they do things and trying to tell them what they do wrong. Not going down well with my brother and SIL!

Ha ha, as you can read, I'm having some major mom-issues here! Which is the whole reason why I wanted a daughter, so I could "do things right". Which I now realize that I can just as well do with my sons. I'll probably screw up my kids in my own unique way anyways, and I'll hear about it in about 20 years time :rofl: :oops: :worry:

[XXforhubby]

Claire-I had almost the exact same relationship with my mother too! We have since worked on things together, but I too will not be caring for her though when she gets older- we are like oil and water if we live together, but separately we can get along great now.

My MIL on the other hand, is the mom I never had! We used to work together and people would always refer to her to me as my mom, or refer to me to her as her daughter. She has said that I am the daughter she never had [emoji4]! I couldn't survive without her! When she gets old, she will live with us. Seriously, I have never been mad at her or have thought ill towards her ever in the 14yrs I have been with DH! That says a lot!

It goes to show that it is the type of relationship that you have with someone that matters. My DS1 is always saying to me, "I will always have to live close to you Mommy, because you are so much fun and get me". He is 4yrs old, but we are so much alike it isn't even funny. So yeah I get him, because I am that way too!




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[Claire33]

That is a really lovely story XX! About your MIL and your DS1. Warms my heart :) My DS1 is also very close to me, a year ago he was sad a lot worrying that he one day would have to move out :(

What is it about your MIL that makes her so great? Just wondering :) For inspiration!

I'm glad things are going better between you and your mom. Things are a little better now between me and my mom too, but she will never be the mom I need, always someone who looks at everything through critical glasses.

[XXforhubby]

My mom isn't the critical one, I am of her. She too has an undiagnosed mental illness. She lacks the ability to be accountable of anything and cannot read situations well. She also has selfish tendencies and used to be quick to anger/abusive to me when living with her. She is not that way anymore, but I can't trust her to be alone with my boys. I just can't. I know she loves them to pieces, but knowing the horrendous things she did to me as a child that she conveniently cannot remember ( there goes that accountability thing again!), I just can't risk it. I have forgiven her, because I didn't like the person I was becoming by not doing so. I have also accepted her as she is and realize what she can never be to me, and I have let that go. I do love her, she does have some redeeming qualities, but given that she can't read situations well and remain a step ahead when caring for my boys, I can't leave them alone with her for an appreciable amount of time.

My MIL on the other hand is the epitome of a "mother". She is everything my mother is not and could never be. I can trust her with my life and with my boys lives. She has everyone's best interest at heart and she is also like a best friend to me. I don't think anyone has ever been mad at her, with the exception of her husband maybe but that too would be rare! She is just a genuinely good, kind hearted, reliable, honest, and trustworthy person who is fun to be around. She builds you up and motivates you in a loving way. I simply feel so grateful and blessed to have her in my life!


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[Claire33]

XX, you're so lucky with your MIL! I wish I could have such a mother or MIL! And I wish I could become such a MIL, but I'm not sure I could be THAT great :D

My MIL is also very nice, but she as flaws too, and on top of that she left my DH with his dad when he was a child and moved across the country with a new man (who turned out to be an ***hole and now they are divorced). Ironically she is very nice, but has her issues, and doesn't see us that much anyway (since she lives across the country).

So my mother is the one who looks after the kids when we need it, but she can get impatient unfortunately. She is very strict, but at least she knows when to feed them and keeps them entertained, and changes diapers (something my MIL has never helped us with).

No wander we want daughters, we want to do it right for ourselves! :D :D

[PrimalMamma]

Yeah this is exactly what I worked out on my GD journey Claire - I wanted a daughter to do over some things from my childhood. Once I worked that out I was ok & the GD has lessened significantly. Well I think anyone who has family close by to look after the kids is lucky. We have no one. My husband & I haven't even had a coffee together in 5 years, let alone a "date night" or whatever it is other people have. Count your blessings.

[pink_bean]

We also have no one, PrimalMamma. Well, my husband has some extended family here but we are pretty much on our own. My mom comes to visit maybe once a year but she often bails at the last minute. When she comes I'm lucky if she stays 2 days. My inlaws are in another country. We have a sitter we use but not very often.

[pink_bean]

I always tell my husband that I will be there to help my sons if they have families. I won't overstep my bounds but I will be there to babysit whenever because I know what it's like to have no support system. The only downside is I will be pretty old by then.

My mom had tons of support. My parents divorced when I was very young but between both their families, my mom had tons of breaks from us. She was a very young mother and busy working on school and her social life. She is and has always been very self absorbed and emotionally unavailable. She also can be very critical but what I think was most damaging was being ignored and feeling invisible.