Less than 24 hours 'til I find out

[anothercuppa]

I've cried on and off all morning. I'm exhausted, disgusted with myself and in a very dark place.

I'd done an OK job of tricking myself into peaceful acceptance of either sex during the first trimester. I dropped the sway over 9 months ago as I've been depressed and my therapist urged me to eat a healthy diet (read: boy) because she thought it was having a big impact on my moods and ability to cope.

Once I stopped the LE sway I felt better in myself - it was the final piece to my mental health recovery alongside weaning off anti-depressants a year ago. I was not planning to get pregnant on my normal diet as it's textbook blue, but once it happened I happily persuaded myself it could go either way and tried not to think about it too much. I was doing OK before I fell pregnant. Not amazing, but OK.

After 6 weeks of pregnancy, my depression started to creep back in. I think it's the absence of drugs coupled with the rush of hormones. The cloud has grown bigger, and I'm fairly sure I have proper ante-natal depression now, although I've not told the doctor (not sure why, i think I'm worried they'll think I'm not able to look after my two boys) Everything is hard, nothing is rewarding, I'm exhausted, and take little pleasure in anything.

Anyway, it's now 1pm here and I get my Harmony result at 11am tomorrow. I've been crying all day as I finally admit to myself I'd be totally devastated with a third boy. I've been consumed with thoughts of booking an abortion - and then wept as I've realised how despicable a person that makes me. Cue, the cycle of self loathing, hatred and self disgust. Eventually, when I grow calm again, I think of how I will probably hear that it's a boy tomorrow - and I'm grief stricken again, for the loss of the baby girl that I carry in my heart, always.

And then the dark thoughts of termination come again, followed by the horror at my own plans and thoughts.

I'm so very tired. My children are at nursery school today and I'm home alone. I'm drained, feel horribly sad, I'm already grieving for my little girl that wasn't to be and I can't stop hating myself for all of it

I should consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. And all I feel is a black cloud pressing down on my chest, suffocating and alone

[Kittybear]

You have to speak to someone Hun, really. Pre-natal depression is real. If you don't like your GP ask to speak to another/ the practice nurse/ your MW/ a HV/ your councillor. I promise you they have heard it before and the professionals are best placed to advise you on the next course of action be it further counselling sessions or going back on the antidepressants; I know you may not like this but there are some considered safe for use during pregnancy and your mental health is v important.

Sending hugs xxx

[Claire33]

I'm so sorry to read that you are in such a dark place :( I just wanted to say that even though I have not experienced depression myself, I have experienced the dark place after hearing DS3. It was awful. I wanted that baby dead, I wanted him to disappear from my belly. But I got through it and I'm ok now, and love that boy with a passion. He is the most delightful child, very smart and sweet, always wanting a cuddle.

That said, I do hope you hear girl. That nub just screams girl you know.

:bighug:

:fx:

[anothercuppa]

Thank you for your kind words. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. I've turned full circle and am now telling myself I'm the last person on earth who deserves a daughter, and it would serve me right if I never did, for having such dark and horrible thoughts.

Depression and GD are harsh and unforgiving - I wonder whether I'll ever be free, no matter how many, how wonderful or what sex babies I have.

It's a lonely place. Thank you for taking a minute to reply - it's a little comfort x

[foxymrsg]

Ah Hun I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, I have had a look at your scan and am guessing girl. So hope you hear girl tomorrow. I will be thinking of you xx

[pink_bean]

I've cried on and off all morning. I'm exhausted, disgusted with myself and in a very dark place.

I'd done an OK job of tricking myself into peaceful acceptance of either sex during the first trimester. I dropped the sway over 9 months ago as I've been depressed and my therapist urged me to eat a healthy diet (read: boy) because she thought it was having a big impact on my moods and ability to cope.

Once I stopped the LE sway I felt better in myself - it was the final piece to my mental health recovery alongside weaning off anti-depressants a year ago. I was not planning to get pregnant on my normal diet as it's textbook blue, but once it happened I happily persuaded myself it could go either way and tried not to think about it too much. I was doing OK before I fell pregnant. Not amazing, but OK.

After 6 weeks of pregnancy, my depression started to creep back in. I think it's the absence of drugs coupled with the rush of hormones. The cloud has grown bigger, and I'm fairly sure I have proper ante-natal depression now, although I've not told the doctor (not sure why, i think I'm worried they'll think I'm not able to look after my two boys) Everything is hard, nothing is rewarding, I'm exhausted, and take little pleasure in anything.

Anyway, it's now 1pm here and I get my Harmony result at 11am tomorrow. I've been crying all day as I finally admit to myself I'd be totally devastated with a third boy. I've been consumed with thoughts of booking an abortion - and then wept as I've realised how despicable a person that makes me. Cue, the cycle of self loathing, hatred and self disgust. Eventually, when I grow calm again, I think of how I will probably hear that it's a boy tomorrow - and I'm grief stricken again, for the loss of the baby girl that I carry in my heart, always.

And then the dark thoughts of termination come again, followed by the horror at my own plans and thoughts.

I'm so very tired. My children are at nursery school today and I'm home alone. I'm drained, feel horribly sad, I'm already grieving for my little girl that wasn't to be and I can't stop hating myself for all of it

I should consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. And all I feel is a black cloud pressing down on my chest, suffocating and alone

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I also had prenatal depression and found comfort talking to my midwives. I hope you can find some support and know you are not alone!

[anothercuppa]

One hour to go.

I had a nightmare last night, where I was shopping for groceries and a group of women physically attacked me. I woke up knowing it was linked to this. I feel like if the women around me could see my thoughts, they would attack me.

And so I probably deserve it - even my subconscious is telling me I'm a monster

[zahararose]

You're not a monster- you're struggling with some real sadness and pregnant hormones too. You will get through this, and be totally in love with whatever gender baby you have in there, I am sure but until then, you have lots of support and understanding here - we have lived and survived it ourselves:)

[anothercuppa]

It's a boy.

Of course it is.

I won't be posting again. I've booked an abortion for in 4 days time. I think that will give me enough time to know whether I can go through with it, but right now, it's all I can think of, short of hurting myself.
And if it wouldn't hurt my sons, who even now I'm having to force myself to have feelings for (I am numb), I probably would hurt myself. I feel such darkness, and grief at the loss.

I know that this site 100% does *not* support termination due to the sex of the baby and so respectfully, I'll say goodbye and thank you for those who have offered kind words. I'd also like to emphasise that I'm not encouraging this course of action for anyone else, simply saying that for me, it's all I can see ahead of me.

[XXforhubby]

I'm so sorry you are in such a dark place. I'm praying for you and your baby....


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[mommymachine]

All I can say (having 3 DS myself), is that this little boy in your womb, is going to hold such a giant place in your heart. I suffer from anxiety and depression during pregnancy, and I've had monstrous thoughts during pregnancy that I would never admit to anyone. But you are not the monster, your brain is betraying you, not your heart. These thoughts are not you. You will love that little boy, and 5 years from now (my DS 3 will 5 in two months) you will not be able to imagine your life without him. I promise.


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[atomic sagebrush]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. I second everyone's thoughts and hope you can talk to someone about your feelings right now.

[pink_bean]

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I hope you can find support whatever you decide.

[Ugee]

I'm so sorry your feeling like this! Please think long and hard about your decision. What if you go on to have another baby and it's another boy? Would you always wonder about this one? I had some terrible thoughts after hearing DS2 was a boy and I thought all the morning sickness, all the getting fat was for nothing but you know what it really wasn't! He is my "angel boy" and I call him that everyday. I'm not saying the desire for a daughter will go away...it didn't for me but this baby is half of you and a miracle all the same. I'm so Sorry if none of this is helping or what you want to hear but I'm scared for you and don't want you to jump into this without someone at least trying to persuade you to think again and take more time to reconsider. Hope you can get past this dark place hunni!

[zahararose]

I'm so sorry you didn't hear girl and I'm so sorry it hurts so much. I really do understand and I really hope you find some help before you do anything. Please speak to a specialist counsellor or psychologist that deals with prenatal depression as soon as you can- it really helped me when I was in a dark place with GD last pregnancy and helped me get some perspective on the messed up thoughts I was having. Like others have said, that boy is so wonderful and so different to my first and I can't imagine my life without him now. I'm pregnant with a girl now and all I can think of is I hope I love her as much as I do my little boy because sometimes it seems impossible as he is so so special. It's so hard, you are in the darkest of places right now but you will see light again I promise. Don't forget pregnant hormones make everything worse. Love to you

[Claire33]

I'm so sorry sweetheart. I also have 3 sons and my third is such a delightful child. Everyone else has said all I can say. Be kind to yourself now. :Flower:

:bighug:

[hopper]

I am very sorry you didn't hear girl today. Please do think long and hard before making any irreversible decisions though, once it's done you can't take it back. My friends mother gave me some advice when I found I was carrying DS2:
"You will never regret having a child, you'll regret the not having them."
It's so very true. I had prenatal anxiety and suffer currently with post natal anxiety so I can relate. Everything is worse with pregnancy hormones, please try talk to an impartial third party and don't worry about being judged.
Make the decision that is right for you and your family, just make sure that whichever way to choose to go you won't look back and wonder 'what if' in years to come. Wishing you and your baby the best.

[mommymachine]

Thinking of you <3

[hoping4agirl2014]

I pray that you chose not to have the abortion. I have had one (not because of gender) when I was younger and it was the hardest thing to EVER forgive myself for.

I just found out today that I am having my 5th boy and although there is disappointment, I know I will love him as much as I love my other 4. I pray that you find peace in whatever you decide but know you will find love for this little one.


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[jen75]

I felt just like you and had the termination booked I did not do it DS4 is here now and 9 months it took time but I love him and am glad I had him. I feel really guilty for nearly doing it and I worry that it will make your depression worse. Please get some help I did and it was the best decision I could have made. Please let us know how you are. Lots of love.xxxxxxxxxx