Just a little vent

[BZ94]

So, my DS3 is about to turn two and for the most part my GD is a thing of the past - I adore my three boys and wouldn't train any of them for the world, and have more or less embraced the fact that I'm an all-boy mom. I laugh about it, I blog about it, I've made it my own.

But lately I've had some little GD flare up's and I'm wondering if anyone can relate. The other all boy moms in my life act like they never wanted a girl so I don't like to talk about it around them and sound like I am not completely OK with having all boys. My boys have been really wild and crazy lately, and it culminated last night with one of them breaking my brand new expensive sunglasses that I've had for less than a week. Even though I know that girls are just as accident prone, I found myself screaming "I wish you were all girls! Girls don't do this kind of thing!" UGH, I feel like the WORST for that - I saw DS1's face fall - and I spent the rest of the night apologizing.

It's just that I look around at other families with one of each, especially ones with a boy first and then a girl or two boys and a girl, and I get so jealous imagining that MOMENT when they learned (whether during an ultrasound or at birth) that they were having a girl and I can imagine what that must have felt like (or what it would have felt like for me) joy, relief, a feeling like you have everything you've ever wanted. And then I realize that I will NEVER have that moment (we are definitely done) and I get so sad. I feel cheated. Which is crazy because I have three gorgeous, healthy, intelligent sons.

Also, my friends with girls try to cheer me up by saying things like "be happy you don't have girls, my daughter is such a drama queen" or "my drama is JUST like me, I hate it!" or they complain about their daughter's dance recitals. That DOESN'T HELP! I wouldn't mind trading a little rough housing for some drama. I WANT a child that's like me in ways that my sons, although some of them do share some of my traits, will never be. I'm no pageant mom, but I do love little girls in tutus and tights, and I am sad that I'm missing out on that part of parenting.

So, that's my vent. Just looking to see if anyone out there can relate and how you cope with this.

[atomic sagebrush]

Have you ever watched that episode of Malcolm in the Middle where the 4 boys turn into 4 girls and they're just as bad only in a different way???

Sometimes I think when things go wrong we look for the "cause" but not realizing that things are never going to be everything you've ever wanted no matter what. I got a DD and I still have things that I wish I had in my life, having her didn't make everything perfect and I look at some of my friends who decided not to continue TTC and just be happy as all boy moms and they all look like they're having way more fun than me. :)

I have adult sons and I can tell you true fact that we have TONS of stuff in common, more than I have with my own mother and WAYY more than she ever had with her mother, and WAY WAY WAY more than my sister in law has with her mother. The idea that you'll have tons of stuff with a daughter, it isn't a guarantee and you absolutely can have close (but still normal and healthy) relationships with sons.

[luckyfourleafclover]

OH YES! I can relate to ALL of it…and I just spent a week with my 21 month old niece…she had a pink, frilly, watermelon-patterened swimming suit for goodness sake! and my boys were so cute with her…it's torture!

I think you should be proud of yourself for saying 'for the most part my GD is a thing of the past - I adore my three boys and wouldn't trade any of them for the world, and have more or less embraced the fact that I'm an all-boy mom'.

That is more than I have managed to achieve, so don't give yourself a hard time. Let yourself have a GD flare up every so often. You are allowed to feel those things - and still be a great mum to your boys.

[Mulberry Smurf]

can totally relate to this, it's hard being honest with yourself. The part about the scan omg I know exactly what you mean... what must that moment feel like? It's hard laying that to rest, but we have to live with the cards we are dealt and make the best of it. Saying what we love about our babies/children each day as someone suggested on their blog really helps. Massive hugs for you, not every day is easy and GD completely sucks but you can hear how much you're healing in your post and I admire that. I hope one day to get to where you are xx

[trifecta]

It's just that I look around at other families with one of each, especially ones with a boy first and then a girl or two boys and a girl, and I get so jealous imagining that MOMENT when they learned (whether during an ultrasound or at birth) that they were having a girl and I can imagine what that must have felt like (or what it would have felt like for me) joy, relief, a feeling like you have everything you've ever wanted. And then I realize that I will NEVER have that moment (we are definitely done) and I get so sad. I feel cheated.
I engage in exactly this little act of self-torture sometimes. Missing out on that feeling of elation and contentment, of a wish fulfilled, really bothers me. I used to do the same thing if I didn't get a job offer. I would imagine how happy the person who received the offer was and it would wreck me. If it comes up now I try consciously to distract myself because it's definitely an emotional rabbit-hole for me.

[covered in blue]

I get this all 100% too! You are not at all alone.
There's this Mum at DS1s school. She has 2 boys and then a girl pretty much the same age as mine. She set me off big time to other day. DS3 was wearing tights (yes I know, tights on a boy but they were totally boy ones - blue stripes with a tractor on and everything and they are super practical for him as he's really skinny and it's so hard to find pants that stay up). She was cracking up laughing about it and it just set me right off. Like she has the monopoly on tights. Please! Anyway if it was anyone else I wouldn't have cared but with her I was trying not to cry.
So know what you mean about that moment too :(. I have never been happy coz I always wanted 2 girls then 2 boys so every time I've felt the pang of GD and it just sucks big time! We can just imagine.
You sound like a great Mum! Don't beat yourself up xx I'm sure the boys have forgiven you already.

[pink_bean]

i understand everything you are saying. I even have dreams about hearing "it's a girl!" in an scan and my youngest DS is 1 now. Inevitably someone will announce they are pregnant and I know the dream was not for me.

You sound like a wonderful mama, none of us are perfect. Sometimes when my boys act out it triggers my GD, also. I think it's normal. Wishing you, peace. Vent to us anytime!

[sisterplease]

Yes, I can totally understand where you are coming from! I gave birth to 4 boys before having the 'It's a girl!' moment and so I spent years dreaming of what it would feel like. Like Atomic mentioned above, girls do make the same sort of troubles and are far from perfect!! I adore my daughter of course, as I do all my children, but she gets me just as frustrated as the boys...and on some days more so. She BY FAR makes the most mess of all 5 of my boys put together. Not kidding there. She can be in a room 5 minutes and by the time she leaves its like a tornado has gone through it. The screaming and tantrums this little girl displays has my husband asking me if we should phone an exorcist and the dream I used to have of brushing/braiding/pampering/dressing a little girl is not as accurate as I'd hoped! She wants nothing to do with clothes I've chosen for her and shouts at me for coming anywhere near her with a brush.
This may not help, as when people used to say these things to me, I'd think 'I don't care...I still want to experience a daughter!'
But really, in regards to your broken sunglasses, I just want to assure you that a little girl can be JUST as guilty (and in my household, even more so) of the same crime!!

[WannaGirl]

I had that thought "what would 3 girls be like, would they be sitting inside playing house or reading/colouring?" last night while I watched my 3 boys running around the yard with a neighbor absolutely going crazy with 3 of those large inflatable balls you sit and bounce on, then using them as bats to slog balls around, using the balls as swords and oldest whacking the younger ones in the head because he always goes one too far with any game, grass stains in the knees of their school uniforms (they had started before I had a chance to yell at them to change!). Sigh, an alternate universe with 3 girls couldn't be as noisy and messy as mine, no matter what stories I hear from others.

[debby]

I use to say to my boys the same thing, 'I wish you were girls' usually when they are completely dirty, because they played football and they joke replaying 'look at Linda' my daughter, usually she is dirtier than them, so don't be upset it could be just a funny sentence. When my boys make me crazy, I also use to tell then 'I sell you to the market and I change you with nicer guys'

[Claire33]

I've also said and done things that I've regretted, so I am in no way perfect, but telling your children that you wished they were the other gender could potentially be harmful. Now OP realizes this and apologized to her son. I don't agree that it's a funny thing to say (see post above this one). If a child hears this a few times, he/she will remember forever that their mother/father wished them to be something they are not. I am very very very careful to NEVER mention to my sons that I wished for girls. I just tell them that I am the luckiest mom on Earth to have such wonderful sons/children, so that they NEVER feel inadequate or not good enough.

I'm not saying this because I want to be on my high horse, I do make mistakes, I do say and do things that I regret. But as a reaction to this previous post, telling your children you wished they were the other gender isn't "just a funny thing to say". It is, in my eyes, a potentially harmful thing to say. Just like telling your child you wish they were taller/shorter/blonder/darker etc. I grew up with everyone (including parents) telling me that I am too pale and skinny, that was hard enough. If they'd told me they wished I were a boy I would have been devastated. At least you can eat to get fatter (which I did, making me gain too much weight), lie in the sun to get brown, die your hair, go on a diet. But changing your gender isn't possible, so you'll feel inadequate forever.

Again, I'm not saying this to make OP feel bad, as we all make mistakes, it's part of parenting, but I really don't think it's a funny thing to say.

[pink_bean]

Good point, Claire33. My mother was one of 3 girls and they all somehow know my grandfather was deeply disappointed in never having a son. My mom seems ok with it but her older sister is to this day very bitter about it and I think she let it hold her back in life. I know I'm not a perfect mom and make plenty of mistakes but I will try not to let either of my boys know I wanted a girl. Although that reminds me of a show I saw once were a boy was having a quinceañera because he knew his mom always wanted a girl. It was really sweet, actually. Although my husband was appalled at the idea of a boy having a quince and told me not to get any ideas. Haha but I digress.

But I think the op was just having a bad day and clearly felt bad about it.

[Am3a]

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[BZ94]

Thanks everyone for the support and understanding. It's nice to have this place to
Vent when the gd is bad.
Right now we are on a big family vacation with all of DHs family and I'm the only one who doesn't have a pp.
I try not to let it get to me but one of the cousins has a
Daughter who is just gorgeous and also the spitting image in both looks and personality of her mom and I can't help just stare longingly at the two of them from time to time. Oh well.

As for my blow up with my sons I agree that it was the WRONG thing to say and have vowed never to repeat that. DS1 often asks for a sister and my response is usually an upbeat "we don't make girls in this family! What would I do with a girl anyway?" I never want him to think I wish he's something he's not- because I definitely don't.

Meanwhile another relative just announced that they are having a ds after two girls. Somehow that makes it me feel just as jealous - because they are getting an opposite after two of the same genders and i keep telling myself that that's so rare and I shouldn't be upset that it didn't happen to me...can anyone relate?