The return of GD and now with it's BFF, jealousy

[amo]

I'm in desperate need of some support and understanding and just venting really.
I suffered severe GD when I discovered I was pregnant with my second son, thankfully it subsided and of course he is dearly loved and wanted, I fell in love with him the second I saw him. That was over a year ago and I haven't struggled much within that time.
However I have just found out my SIL is expecting a little girl for her second. My second and her first were due very close together and my GD was entangled in my anxiety over what she was having, we both had boys which made it much easier to get over my anxiety and GD surrounding my second.
But now I feel all my old feelings resurfacing but worse and not only that I feel overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and I'm so angry. I feel robbed. I feel like everyone is laughing at me for not being able to conceive the girl I made no secret of wanting. I feel like she's so completely smug about the fact she has managed to do something I couldn't.
All of this is not helped by the fact this will be the first girl in 2 generations so the entire family is completely ecstatic, except me. I can't stand it. I can't be happy for her. I just can't. I feel so full of resentment, I don't think I can even be around her anymore.
I wish I didn't feel like this. I feel like I can't even be thankful for what I have right now. This of course makes me feel like a terrible human being and makes me sink even lower.

[oceancitymom]

I'm so sorry; I know how hard this is. Both my SILs got their girls (one after a boy; even worse!). It helped that my SIL who has just the one girl really wanted a boy. And that my brother told me my other SIL really didn't care whether the second baby was a boy or a girl, but he thought she might actually prefer a boy "because less drama." Don't know if that was true or not, but it made me feel better. Still...she includes me on emails showing the monthly photos of her little girl, and the cute bows and tutus are kind of like a knife through my heart. I'm glad she sends them to me...she knows how much I want a girl and she even knows about my going through (failed) IVFs to get one, but I'm glad she's not, like, walking on egg shells around me.

My advice would be to fake it 'til you make it. I bought my niece a gorgeous outfit and a damn bow...the kind I would have loved to buy for my own daughter. I almost cried in the baby girl department. It was very hard. But I slapped a big smile on my face and gave it to my sister-in-law. I was the first one at the hospital to visit them, with flowers and balloons, and I had them take my picture with the baby and put it on Facebook: "I'm a proud aunt!" It stung, it really did. Just even seeing the baby's girly name written on the board in the hospital room...it was hard for me. I wished it could have been me. But I faked, faked, faked and I'm glad I did (and continue to) because I don't want people to think I'm bitter or that I'm not happy and grateful for my children (of course I am).

I wish both of us peace...and a little girl someday!

[oceancitymom]

P.S. Bet you a hundred bucks absolutely no one is laughing at you. :)

[amo]

Thank you for replying. It makes such a difference to know someone has gone through the same thing & feels the same way.
It's just so hard to be happy for her because her and her husband gave me quite a hard time when I said I wanted a girl during my second pregnancy saying I needed to be thankful for what I had and all that matters is that it's healthy and think of all the people who can't have kids at all. All the usual ignorant stuff you hear from people who don't understand GD. And then they have a boy and a girl, just like that, it falls into their laps. It sounds petty but it's just so unfair, when they didn't even care what they had they get the perfect pigeon f-ing pair.
I don't want to be seen as bitter either but I just can't stop feeling this way and I'm no good at faking it, even if I did fake it convincingly they'd still know how I feel as I didn't exactly keep my GD a secret last time.

[Babygirlquest]

It is unfair! It is! When I was expecting my fourth son, everyone was having girls after boys. After single boys! I literally knew no one in real life with four boys. I felt like a big walking joke - people saying I was a boy maker and would never have a girl.

But I totally agree with oceancitymom. See when I just embraced my four boys and pretended to be super duper excited about them (and it wasn't hard because they were freaking awesome), people stopped saying negative things and instead always commented on how cute and special they are and how lucky I was :-)

Try not to be jealous, I know it's a bitter pill to swallow. One day the baby girl will be yours, I promise. There are means and ways to get to your dream.

[trifecta]

I don't have a real solution for the jealousy but I think you should stop berating yourself for it. It's completely natural and nearly everyone here has experienced some version of it. You aren't terrible and it isn't true that "she has managed to do something I couldn't." A complex biological process largely beyond anyone's control gave you one result and her another result. You haven't failed at anything. Jealousy is already so hard to deal with, please don't kick yourself on top of it.

[amo]

Thanks for the support ladies, it's already making a difference and I've started investigating a high tech solution to my problem.
I still however have not responded to all the gushing conversation residing in my messages between my two sister's in law. At the moment everything just seems really hard, I had to peel myself off the kitchen floor yesterday once my youngest woke up from his nap as I had a crying session in the kitchen. I haven't cried yet today and I know reading those messages will for sure set me off again. Then again it's only 11am so still plenty of time left for crying today!

[atomic sagebrush]

P.S. Bet you a hundred bucks absolutely no one is laughing at you. :)

:agree: While there are a few smug sallies out there to be sure, I think many times we are reading stuff into people's behavior that isn't there. Someone once said, "You wouldn't care what people thought about you if you realized how rarely they did" meaning that we often think people are sitting around making jokes at our expense when we aren't even on their radar screens. I was in this situation too when I got DS 3 after 15 years of being a boy-mom and at the same time, my brother accidentally got a 19 year old pregnant (girl of course) and everyone was over the moon for the first girl in the family and it just felt like everyone was laughing at me. "She got pregnant after all that time only to get ANOTHER boy". :) But I don't think anyone really cared at all!! People were excited for a new baby, my brother's first child, first girl, and that's only natural. If it was our baby girl we would expect nothing less, yk??

[atomic sagebrush]

Thank you for replying. It makes such a difference to know someone has gone through the same thing & feels the same way.
It's just so hard to be happy for her because her and her husband gave me quite a hard time when I said I wanted a girl during my second pregnancy saying I needed to be thankful for what I had and all that matters is that it's healthy and think of all the people who can't have kids at all. All the usual ignorant stuff you hear from people who don't understand GD. And then they have a boy and a girl, just like that, it falls into their laps. It sounds petty but it's just so unfair, when they didn't even care what they had they get the perfect pigeon f-ing pair.
I don't want to be seen as bitter either but I just can't stop feeling this way and I'm no good at faking it, even if I did fake it convincingly they'd still know how I feel as I didn't exactly keep my GD a secret last time.

I admit this is the one thing that still bothers me to this very day. Literally everyone I know IRL who is having kids right now, has gotten a BG or GB just like that, didn't try, didn't care and then I'm sitting here with 4 boys over 20 years and had to do all this work and effort to get one measly girl when I'm too old to enjoy her whole life the way I want to. haha joke's on me, right?? :p

[amo]

Well my SIL is a 'smug sallie' to be sure. The judgement I received from them when I was going through GD first time was horrible, I can only imagine how much they're judging me now. Sounds paranoid I know but my SIL's SIL has had 5 miscarriages and was struggling to conceive then when my SIL had her baby all she could do is bitch about the fact her SIL didn't want to be around her baby not even thinking for a second that it might be painful for her SIL to be around her and her baby. When I pointed this out she shrugged it off saying that shouldn't be a reason. It's just not a good feeling knowing she's probably saying very similar things about me. :sad:

[amo]

I admit this is the one thing that still bothers me to this very day. Literally everyone I know IRL who is having kids right now, has gotten a BG or GB just like that, didn't try, didn't care and then I'm sitting here with 4 boys over 20 years and had to do all this work and effort to get one measly girl when I'm too old to enjoy her whole life the way I want to. haha joke's on me, right?? :p

I know your girl was worth all your time and effort and I'm sure you will get to enjoy her life exactly like you want to. :bighug:

[pink_bean]

I understand. My husband has a huge extended family here. He has a cousin who had a boy with his girlfirend a few months after we had our first. We spent time with them once when our boys were little and I was completely turned off by how smug and competitive she was then. Well, about a year after ds2 was born she announced she was having a little girl. Hurt like hell plus the family made a big deal about it of course. She even invited me to the baby shower but never invited to me to anything else. We didn't go. My only consolation was that her husband wanted another boy and was bummed after the big u/s (hubby told me) also the rest of the family talks about how poorly behaved their son is and how good our kids are...I can't imagine the smugness I will have to endure if I ever allow myself to be around her.

[amo]

Oh god yeah this SIL is super smug & competitive too, because my second & her first are so close in age both myself & my husband who usually tells me I'm exaggerating or imagining things (I am quite a paranoid person) we've both noticed how much they've pushed their baby to do everything first and if ours could do something theirs couldn't they'd push & push him until he could. They even weaned him early which I was like really?? I put off weaning for as long as I could get away with!! It's just ridiculous. Well I guess she'll be happy knowing she's got this one on me for the rest of our goddamn lives!!! :rolleyes:

[amo]

And I'm sure I will be invited to the pretty pink girly baby shower she'll just have to have eveh though it's her second baby. Ffs. Can I just not go?!?! Lol.

[trifecta]

Oh god yeah this SIL is super smug & competitive too, because my second & her first are so close in age both myself & my husband who usually tells me I'm exaggerating or imagining things (I am quite a paranoid person) we've both noticed how much they've pushed their baby to do everything first and if ours could do something theirs couldn't they'd push & push him until he could. They even weaned him early which I was like really?? I put off weaning for as long as I could get away with!! It's just ridiculous. Well I guess she'll be happy knowing she's got this one on me for the rest of our goddamn lives!!! :rolleyes:

This is something that will almost certainly mellow as your kids get older. Some parents will always be more competitive than others but in the early years parents seem to have this biologically-driven need to believe their kids are the fittest specimens for survival. It's an awful part of the first years of parenting but as kids grow into being their own people parents are usually able to separate their own egos from parenting a little better. I see and feel much less of this now that my kids are bigger. When your kids are five neither of you is going to be worried about who walked first and although there is still some opportunity for competition when it comes to sports or academics kids often have such completely different interests and talents that direct comparison is no longer so simple.

[Kawazza]

Hi Amo, Thanks for your post, I understand what your feeling as I'm feeling the exact same way. I had GD with my first son. I'm now pregnant with my second son (failed sway) and was dealing with it...then my cousin announced they were pregnant 2 days ago. I've got anxiety about whether they will have a girl, she is also someone who has/will say insensitive comments. Also our family are waiting for a girl announcement after 6 boys in a row so I'm feeling like I failed. I'm feeling pretty bad about feeling jealous. I keep thinking 'I don't want their girl, I want my girl' and that makes me feel better. So I understand

[amo]

Hi Kawazza. Well you are definitely in great company here, i can't tell you how much support and understanding I have received from the ladies on this site. It makes such a difference to know someone feels the same as you and everyone on here understands, especially me! As you read my second pregnancy was filled with anxiety about what my SIL was having. And when I recently found out her second is a girl I did not deal with it well at all, I was enraged with jealousy and thinking some pretty awful things.
Know whatever you're feeling I have probably felt too. My husband's family are over the moon my SIL is expecting a girl and I feel like a failure too. But we're not, we have beautiful boys who we have to raise into gentle loving men, it's a responsibility for only the best of us so embrace it. And you never know, you may go on to have a little girl of your very own one day.

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[Throwaway_panther]

I admit this is the one thing that still bothers me to this very day. Literally everyone I know IRL who is having kids right now, has gotten a BG or GB just like that, didn't try, didn't care and then I'm sitting here with 4 boys over 20 years and had to do all this work and effort to get one measly girl when I'm too old to enjoy her whole life the way I want to. haha joke's on me, right?? :p

I'm sorry atomic -- you are VERY likely to enjoy her whole life though, truly! While it helps to hear your feelings on this, I feel so much for you too. You've done and continue to do so much for all of us, I want you to have the happiest life ever with your daughter.

I know I can never share the same feelings as many of you since I'm so new to this, and most of my feelings are of the, "Things never work out for me, so watch this end up being something else that doesn't," but I know seeing ALWAYS the effortless pigeon pairs around me is hard when not having the ignorance to shrug my shoulders and "leave it up to" whatever... :/

[Throwaway_panther]

Hi Amo, Thanks for your post, I understand what your feeling as I'm feeling the exact same way. I had GD with my first son. I'm now pregnant with my second son (failed sway) and was dealing with it...then my cousin announced they were pregnant 2 days ago. I've got anxiety about whether they will have a girl, she is also someone who has/will say insensitive comments. Also our family are waiting for a girl announcement after 6 boys in a row so I'm feeling like I failed. I'm feeling pretty bad about feeling jealous. I keep thinking 'I don't want their girl, I want my girl' and that makes me feel better. So I understand

I'm sorry for all your feelings Kawazza (though my GD is flipped around). If it helps -- both of my SILs ended up being pregnant the same time as me (I'm the last due; my SIL just had her second son in a BGB family, my other SIL had her daughter in March in a now BG family).

The latter SIL has always made awful, insensitive and often passive-aggressive comments. Her and her husband were all very "THIS BETTER BE A BOY" for their first, who ended up being a boy, and I was bummed (despite loving my nephew something fierce). Though the husband made the same comments for #2 (he didn't want any girls... eesh), she had her girl. I felt even more upset to see her so easily get a pigeon pair, but realized, too, the stress she must have felt with her husband's comments... and also realized she STOPPED making comments to me that she used to. I think pregnancy, motherhood and certain experiences can affect even the worst of people, and you might be surprised at how your cousin changes with her baby -- girl or boy. Hoping for your sake this happens, too, so that you don't have to hear any upsetting comments <3

[amo]

Well my SIL has now started sending me pictures of all the pretty little girl clothes she's buying whilst also telling me she sort of wanted a second boy but is so happy to be having a girl. She's also gone from never wanting to meet up to wanting to see me all the time. Could all be innocent but I just can't help but feel she's trying to bait me into exploding or is just trying to make me feel bad. :-(

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[Erin514]

This is something that will almost certainly mellow as your kids get older. Some parents will always be more competitive than others but in the early years parents seem to have this biologically-driven need to believe their kids are the fittest specimens for survival. It's an awful part of the first years of parenting but as kids grow into being their own people parents are usually able to separate their own egos from parenting a little better. I see and feel much less of this now that my kids are bigger. When your kids are five neither of you is going to be worried about who walked first and although there is still some opportunity for competition when it comes to sports or academics kids often have such completely different interests and talents that direct comparison is no longer so simple.

This x 1 million.
I have a cousin who can't stop comparing and gloating over every little thing her daughter does. I seriously just want to say, "you win, lady. Your girl is clearly going to grow up to be prime minister while my son will be a trash collector because she was potty trained first".
Makes me want to avoid her until our kids are done all their milestones, but then it will probably be grades in school or something. :-P

[Erin514]

Well my SIL has now started sending me pictures of all the pretty little girl clothes she's buying whilst also telling me she sort of wanted a second boy but is so happy to be having a girl. She's also gone from never wanting to meet up to wanting to see me all the time. Could all be innocent but I just can't help but feel she's trying to bait me into exploding or is just trying to make me feel bad. :-(

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I'm sure it's probably not deliberate, but some people really need to be the centre of attention. Maybe she senses that you're not as enthusiastic as she would like and she wants to try to get you to notice her.

I agree you should probably just fake it until she goes away on her own. Write back that you'd love to but you're super busy this week. You'll catch up sometime soon. Then just never follow-up. Hopefully she'll move on to someone else if you don't give her any reaction to latch on to. This is tough though. :sad::sad:

[oceancitymom]

Um, okay. Maybe I'm changing my tune here. I'm all for looking for the best in people but this does seem grossly insensitive seeing that she knew about your intense desire for a daughter. I feel like it's akin to knowing someone's having fertility problems and then sending them all your ultrasound pictures and telling them how exciting it is to see your baby growing. I'd feel free to politely decline her invitations. :-/

[amo]

Oceancitymom that is exactly what I thought!! I feel this behaviour is to intentionally hurt me since she knows all about what I went through with my second pregnancy but I've no idea why?!! It really is a mystery to me. I will be politely declining invitations mainly because I don't feel strong enough right now to deal with it.
Erin514 I'd like to think it's just an attention thing, maybe it is as I said it's a mystery. With regards to other mum's directly comparing each others kids it is a nightmare! And I always found my friends with girls tended to hit their milestones first, especially potty training!! Girls are generally ready much earlier than boys, don't know why. It's hard not to feel disheartened and get baited into competing especially if you're a first time mum. I've got to say my same SIL has tried the milestone competition with her first and my second but I genuinely wasn't interested in the slightest and she stopped mentioning it, helps of course that now she has something else to lord over me though!!

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[trifecta]

And I always found my friends with girls tended to hit their milestones first, especially potty training!! Girls are generally ready much earlier than boys, don't know why. It's hard not to feel disheartened and get baited into competing especially if you're a first time mum.

That's the worst! I cannot even tell you how many times I've heard the mother of a girl crow about how her toddler "trained herself" or something along those lines. Meanwhile, potty-training was really hard with both of my kids. They weren't especially old but it was a real struggle. :mad: