Coming to terms with it - my positive story

[Roma Rose]

I was an avid lurker of this forum last year when we had just found out we were having yet another boy.

I was seeking people who had felt a little bit like me - confused, conflicted and guilty at the strong unexpected reaction I had.

I was worried my feelings would be permanent and it was just a horribly confusing time all round. Just wanted to add my story now that my third boy is here.

I bonded instantly with him and my desire for a girl has not affected our relationship at all. All those heightened emotions when I was pregnant have calmed down. I hope it's OK to post links in here, but if you would like to read the full story in more detail, I just wrote a blog post all about the process I went through in order to say goodbye to the idea of having a girl (http://sorry-about-the-mess.co.uk/2016/08/09/saying-goodbye-idea-girl/)

I would still love to have a daughter, and I think that longing and curiosity will always be there, but I wouldn't change anything that led me to my boys.

Just wanted to add my bit of positivity to anyone searching these forums looking for reassurance. Those initial feelings were really quite scary and upsetting, but they didn't last forever.

[BrightSky]

I read your blog, it was beautiful. I love your positivity and so glad to hear those confused pregnancy feelings fade away with time.

[familymatters]

What a poignant blog post. I found it really interesting when you said this about the desire to have a girl going far beyond just wanting to buy pink: "the desire and intrigue to see a part of yourself reflected in the same gender as yourself" - this is SO true and it's really put into words why I think many women want the opportunity to parent a girl above and beyond just braiding hair and ballet lessons.

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[Roma Rose]

Thank you. I've also started to realise that any grandchildren that come along will also be genetically a little bit of me, so all is not lost, I might still get to experience a part of myself reflected in a granddaughter one day.

[familymatters]

Absolutely. Most of my family remark on how much I look like my Nanna, and how much my personality is like my great grandmother!

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[ksmom]

Thank you for sharing this. I'm pregnant with our third boy after swaying pink for a long time. We're not sharing the gender with anyone because I can't handle the comments. Like you, I had three losses before getting pregnant with this baby so we have no idea what those babies would have been and it makes me sad. It's partly why I don't want to tell anyone what we're having because I don't want the "oh another boy" pity comments. The last thing I want to hear is disappointment from others about having another boy because really, they shouldn't feel sorry for me. I lost not one, not two, but three babies early on in our journey to have a third child and yet this baby decided to stick around for reasons I do not yet understand which I think is rather amazing. I'm still processing having a third boy but I hope that once he's born, that sadness will melt away like it did with DS2.

[Roma Rose]

Sorry about your losses, it can be so tough. The comments are awful, I actually wished that we hadn't told anyone we'd found out, as then I could have swerved all the comments whilst I was in that emotional pregnant stage.

[Wantanother2017]

Thinking I will find out the gender next time by having it written down for us to open at home. And not reveal the gender to anyone until after the birth and the sweet baby is there. Who could say anything other then sweet things then?



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[ksmom]

Wantanother, that's what we did this time. Instead of the tech telling us at the ultrasound, we had her put a potty shot in an envelope for us to open at home. I'm glad we did it that way although part of me wishes we'd waited until the birth to find out. We've been telling everyone that we weren't able to find out the gender because baby wasn't cooperating (which is only half a lie...the baby really didn't want us to know lol but we managed to poke/prod the baby enough to convince him to open his legs). The baby was so determined to not let us see his bits that I almost told the tech to forget about it. We'd been bugging him for about 10-15 minutes before he decided right at the end of the scan to open up. He's already being difficult. ;)

[BrightSky]

I haven't found out the sex of this one and I have to say the comments are really bothering me, like 'I bet you're hoping for a girl' or straight out 'I hope it's a girl', which makes me feel so pressured and bad for this little baby when I have a strong sense it's not. It makes me feel like I should have just found out, u really can't win either way!!

[Roma Rose]

Thinking I will find out the gender next time by having it written down for us to open at home. And not reveal the gender to anyone until after the birth and the sweet baby is there. Who could say anything other then sweet things then?



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If we were to ever consider a fourth child, I think that's exactly the way I'd do it too. I'd 100% want to know before the birth to get any feelings out of the way in advance. But I'm not sure I could hack a sonographer breaking the news, and I certainly wouldn't be telling people that we had found out!

[Wantanother2017]

I'm learning as I get older to just not put your personal information in other people's hands. Example; our child's name when I was pregnant. I just said "we haven't decided" when people asked and then no one had their comments they feel necessary to share with you. People can be so crazy.
Our next baby will be the same way. I'll be telling people we don't want to know until delivery just to stave off the b.s. [emoji849]


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[Roma Rose]

I'm learning as I get older to just not put your personal information in other people's hands. Example; our child's name when I was pregnant. I just said "we haven't decided" when people asked and then no one had their comments they feel necessary to share with you. People can be so crazy.
Our next baby will be the same way. I'll be telling people we don't want to know until delivery just to stave off the b.s. [emoji849]


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Even then though it's still not ideal, as you get all the speculative comments like "Fingers crossed for a girl / boy!" "Were you trying for a girl / boy?" "I bet you are hoping for a girl /boy!"

I found that before we knew (and for the people that we just didn't tell that we'd found out), we discovered people's preferences for what they hoped we were having, which was actually incredibly hurtful and added to the feeling that I was somehow disappointing people.

I'm just not sure that you can win either way with this one!

[Complex Emotions]

Thank you. I've also started to realise that any grandchildren that come along will also be genetically a little bit of me, so all is not lost, I might still get to experience a part of myself reflected in a granddaughter one day.

Roma Rose, thank you so much. You put this into words very well: "the desire and intrigue to see a part of yourself reflected in the same gender as yourself"

I imagine that this would deeply meaningful. That said, I once read an interview about a mother who struggled with eating disorder and self-hatred. In her case the dark feelings she had towards herself and her own body mirrored to the point that she felt shame about her daughter's body. So perhaps there can be a dark side to the self-mirroring aspect of mothering a girl. Maybe it's something a mom doesn't have to struggle with as much with her boys... even a blessing in disguise?

My son is just two, but there have already been dazzling moments when I've seen myself reflected in him. It's such a surreal and exhilarating thing, to see aspects of yourself reflected through the lens of the other gender.

[Claire33]

Thanks for your honest and wonderful post! Been there, done that! Except that I kept my extreme GD a huge secret, only my husband knows. I just didn't want any pity from anyone, or want anyone to ever know how I felt about my baby. I'm so impressed at your honesty and that you post for the world to see. But it takes brave people like yourself to admit to these feelings, so that people out there realize that it's actually pretty normal. And all the comments, OMG, they just make everything 10 times worse! The one thing I have learned from GD is to NEVER comment gender or family amke up in a negative way, and as you say, "congratulations, how wonderful!" (or whatever) is just about the only appropriate reaction. GD has made me humble, understanding and I have learned to keep my fleeting thought for myself. That is one good thing that has come from it all. One of my friends even said "Yuck, a boy?!" when I was pregnant with DS1. She went on to struggle with infertility for years and ended up having a miracle boy herself 7 years later, I'm pretty sure she feels differently now!