there no words to express how i feel............ [Archive]

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baby2016baby

October 7th, 2016, 09:17 AM

we found out last Wednesday we are having our 4th girl. This is our 2nd failed sway. Our last sway was only a half arsed attempt and although we were gutted after a few days of shock we were find and we never looked back. This time however is totally different...

we swayed 110% did everything possible, complied with everything and yet it still hasn't worked. 4 girls, who has 4 girls. Initially I was sad but this has been replaced with anger and resentment. I don't want the baby, I have no feelings towards her at all. I wake up everyday wishing I was not pregnant. I have (despite not even burping during my previous 3 pregnancies) has the most horrendous time, sickness, nausea, severe migraines, sleeplessness, slavering. I resent everything I have been through, the stupid HE diet for nearly 6 months, drinking gelatine, lifting weights everything was all for nothing. I have put on over 30lb, I am now classed as obese, am in high risk category for everything, for nothing, I could have done nothing and probably got a girl. Im left wondering if id have been more likely to get a boy if I hadn't swayed, and id be in a lot better position. I hate myself, my husband and the baby. How can you hate a baby?? a sweet innocent baby?? I just don't want another girl, even though before we swayed I was fully aware this could happen, however I didn't realise my feeling would be so strong. I thought after a few days I would have "got over it" or at least feel better, every day is worse.

I hardly recognise myself, my feelings and thoughts. I knew at my 13w scan it was a girl as I got a reasonable view of nub/potty area but I clung on waiting for the blood test, which they told me about in a phone call. The horrible feeling started straight away. My husband has just become distant, he does not want another girl and this was our last shot at a boy. We don't have the finances with 3 kids, let alone 4, to ever persue the PGD route and we have nobody to ask for help and no family support. I have considered abortion, but regardless of my decision I will never have my son.......

I am finding it very hard on the forums, although I recongnise GD appears in various shapes and sizes, comments from people who have got one of each or are only on 2 of the same etc are really getting to me. I am chuffed for anyone who gets their dream gender and I wish for everyone to get what they want, but I am finding it hard to read people getting the DG after one child or getting their 2nd/3rd/4th DG crushing. As such I have stopped posting on my DD board which has just made me feel crap. I feel like such a bad person, but I cant be happy for anyone and I am left questioning why people are more deserving than me............upto now I have been a lovely person, however lately I'm not sure. I feel it is a punishment, but yet, ive never done anything bad to deserve any punishment, quite the opposite.

I have been to a councillor today and been diagnosed with antenatal depression, despite never having suffered any form of mental health problem or issue. Although I mentioned the gender they brushed it under the carpet and said it was most likely I would have got this even if id been having a boy, although I know this is untrue as my feeling are purely related to the gender. I also had a scan today, as my last scan was a disaster, and once again baby is behind and small for the dates. I looked at the screen but felt nothing....... I go back on Monday again but I don't want to go. She is a lovely councillor but I can feel she just doesn't understand and some of what she says I feel is derogatory and condescending. she said she has never dealt with gender disappointment in her 21 year career, she seemed almost shocked at my feelings and how deep they run. Maybe shes right, I mean its probably not normal.

It would be great to have any practical advice or experiences from people who have been in similar boats. Please don't judge me or think badly, despite knowing a lot of this post is shocking, I am actually a really nice person (normally) I will absolutely not tolerate any religious advice as if you had had my life, you wouldn't believe either.....xxxxx

Throwaway_panther

October 7th, 2016, 11:56 AM

I know I'm the exact person you don't want to hear from -- I only have one (though it was also not my desired gender, and I was so devastated that I contemplated killing myself and having an abortion literally up until she was born), BUT...

I get it. I get that I don't know your level of pain, because you've gone through this 4 times. I get that with just one, I might have a chance -- but I ALSO understand the feeling of "I won't be able to make a boy," based on a variety of factors ranging from familial to my lack of luck. Now I'm not saying I'm on the same level of you... but I also know the darkness. I know what it is to be sitting in a car outside of a Planned Parenthood because this pregnancy is miserable, because it's triggering all of the worst things you ever went through, because you know what you want -- and this is not it.

I had diagnosed antepartum depression, too (obviously, based on my last paragraph), and while I think the gender only contributed to it in my case, I agree with you: I DON'T think you would have gotten it if you'd had your desired gender. Situational factors + hormones is a recipe for depression normally (it's why my therapist and I constantly sit and think now, "Is this PPD? Or is this purely because I happened to be demoted at my job for having a baby?... again, a baby I didn't want, even though I do love her desperately), so for you to have the immense disappointment on top of changing hormones sure seems like it's rooted to the GD. I had extreme mood swings and everything SOLELY because of fears of having a girl. I'd see if you could find a different therapist or counselor, honestly. Someone doesn't need to have not seen it to be able to help guide you through it if they're good.

That said, I'm also going to be frank here, too: I'm with you. I say F*** the religious advice, because like you, I don't believe it. Regardless of the life I've had (which also has been rough -- since so much of my issues with having girls comes from the abusive upbringing I had in an all girl family from our dad). Swaying is rooted in scientific processes -- how can 'God have control' but people still think they're influencing anything then? It's a cognitive dissonance I can't understand.

Additionally, I'm pro-choice and have only become more pro-choice after having been pregnant myself. If you decided to abort, I'd have no judgment -- you have to think of you, and in your case, you have three other children to take care of who would want their mom in the best place. I know people will come on and say, "You'll love her when she's here! Bla bla these precious sway opposites." And yeah, that might be true. Yeah, I felt NO bond with my baby until she was born, and resented her and thought the most horrible things I've ever felt the entire time.

But pregnancy is also a long time. That's a very long time to be depressed in a way that can only be solved by an additional traumatizing event: labor. And you say "who can hate a baby?" I hated my baby until she was born. And technically? It's not a baby. It IS a fetus until it is out of you. You are still you. It is still your body. It is still your decision (not your husband's, not your other children's, not even the fetus you're gestating: yours).

I don't mean to foster further dark thoughts in you, but I wanted to give voice to what I don't see too often on here, particularly since it seems to be a more religious board:

You're a person. You are you. You have a right to every feeling, every emotion, and ultimately to what happens to your body.

If you decide to keep on, there's a strong chance you'll also love her with every fiber of your being, as will your husband. I mean, she'd be the baby -- and I don't know many families that don't ultimately favor the youngest of the family in the long run! Plus, you said "Who has four girls?" but I do happen to know several... hell, it's why I referenced 'Little Women' -- there's even a famous book about four girls because of its specialness.

But, I also know the feeling of, "I would have been happy with all boys," a family dynamic I won't have either. This "boy mom"/"girl mom" stuff is particularly annoying -- I agree with Buro's comment in the Expecting Thread. Some of us are born boy moms, and it's just not happening.

I think swaying seems so good, and so right, because of some studies, but if these studies were perfect and a sure thing, it wouldn't be just two warring forums of thought online trying it. It'd be much more main******. I think a big part of it is the control thing, too: because we DON'T. I don't think maternal condition is the end all, be all -- we can never make a Y chromosome. There's so much more that lies with a male too (which is ALSO supported by studies, but the mother ones seem to trump here because well, we're the mothers).

I could see someone saying, "Well, you gained 30 lbs, and being TOO heavy can sway for a girl too." But you did everything else perfectly according to HE. AND there are so many other women who are heavier constantly getting boys -- hell, when I think of boy moms in my own life, I can think off the top of my head of a woman who's been obese the whole time and got 3 boys under 3. And to her credit, she held my daughter for hours because she was SO desperate for a daughter, but her husband got a vasectomy after this third.

I don't think it's you. I think we're sometimes as bad as the people with cancer or autoimmune disorders (me being in the latter group) who read ONE study that says, "Such and such can help ___" or "such and such found this" and will latch onto it as a locus of control.

I'm just so sorry. I'm sorry for the novel, too. I'd want to read something long to take my mind off it, so I don't know if it'll help. But I also want you to know: I get your disdain, I get your ill feelings even towards me, and I am here for you to say the darkest of dark things, because sometimes we just need to say them to get them out of our mind.

baby2016baby

October 7th, 2016, 12:45 PM

Lovely lady, I have no ill feeling towards you at all or anyone for that matter, I may not have made myself clear. It's the people who pass sarcastic and condecending messages without even trying to understand I' have issues with. My gd is no stronger or more important than anyone elses and really we cannot compare even people in identical situations because someone getting their 4th girl might be upset but fine after the shock, i wish i had been like that, life would be easier. The fact you have taken such time and thought in this heartfelt reply means more to me than you can ever know. I will reply properly when I am home as struggling on my phone. But I'm the meantime please can I say thank you so much for sharing your experience, your kind words and taking the time to message it means alot to me and I'm very greatful. Although I'm crying, only because I feel your pain, and i want to take it all away for you, but I know I cant xxx

lindz

October 10th, 2016, 03:19 PM

I debated not posting because I know what you're going through is a million times worse than what I am, but I can at least attempt to relate. It's such bullshit that everyone around you can get one of each without even trying, and after 4 you're still left without your boy. All of that work, time, dedication, and emotional stress all for nothing. I felt like I didn't have a chance in hell of getting my dream gender despite my swaying and I was right. Life is so unfair! I understand why even people complaining about 2 or 3 of the same gender are pissing you off. If I had to feel this pain I'm going through another 2 times, I seriously don't know if I'd make it. I hate the feeling of wondering what everyone is having and then feeling an instant rush of envy when they get to have one of each or a girl to start their family. I wanted for my sway to work so I could move on with my life and get past all this gender envy and disappointment. It sucks feeling stuck on something you can't change. I hope you can find a better counselor who is more understanding. I don't think you'd have antenatal depression if it wasn't gender related. I'd imagine the worst pregnancy would be 100% bearable when getting your DG. It's the feeling of having to go through this all so you get a child you don't even want that spirals you into these feelings

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pinkfairydust

October 11th, 2016, 11:13 AM

sigrid86

October 11th, 2016, 11:22 AM

Hi baby2016baby,

In short: I got pregnant with a baby girl (which I really wanted) but at the 24w ultrasound it was clear that something was wrong, but the best specialist of the country couldn't tell what. We had 6 horrible weeks of uncertainty because we knew it was very bad but we couldn't do anything about it. At the end we even considered stopping the pregnancy (the hospital agreed with it) because if we didn't decide anything we also made a decision (of having a severe handicaped child). We were thinking about it, but I just couldn't. I was devestated that I needed to make a decision. 'Fortunately' our little girl gave up herself a few days later and died in my womb. But I can tell you; this is sooooo hard. I hope this is the worst thing I will ever experience in my life. I don't wish this for anyone; you are actually losing a child and that's completely against nature. And with this outcome we didn't even make the decision ourselves. I can't imagine what this must have been when we decided to stop the pregnancy. So please talk to people who aborted their child before you do this, because I think this is something that can 'haunt' you for the rest of your life.

Also, I know you had little chance of having the 'wrong' gender with that super sway of yours, but you always have a chance ofcourse. Can you imagine having less than 1% chance of your child being stillborn? Well, me neither, but here we are.
I don't want to piss you off or judge you, but I hope you can find peace with having another girl rather than living with regrets of aborting your child.

I really don't know how you feel (I don't even have a living child unfortunately) but I read a post in another thread (of the dutch girls) from a girl who found an article about an extreme GD. I'll copy it here below and hope you'll fin this usefull:

I am not sure how this post will go over since many don't particularly like me and so will roll their eyes with ridicule but I feel the need to express my own extreme Gender disappointment since it has basically consumed my entire adult life.(which is sad) and hopefully someone won't allow it to be their*life.Just the fact that after all*these yrs and finally having the gender I wanted so bad and am still on these types of boards shows just how deep Extreme GD goes. How much I allowed it to consume my life.. and in affect those around me.I have wanted a daughter since I was 20yrs old after the birth of my son. For the next 10yrs I spent all my time dreaming of her and trying to make it happen. I got married because I wanted a daughter, I ttc for yrs because I wanted a daughter. Every choice I made was based on having another child... a girl, I did fertility treatments because I couldn't get pg and it worked! I was finally pg after 10yrs. The joy FINALLY, I was having my girl. Boy I deserved her.Problem was, she was a he.So began my first full blown experience with GD. Mortified that I was disappointed and shocked is an understatement. Shouldn’t I just be grateful to finally be pg after all these yrs?? I loved my son why wouldn’t I love this son??? But I didn’t do all this for another son. I didn’t go through all the yrs of trying to get “her” for another him…. I had a son. I loved him. He was my little man,*deserved to have a girl next. My life I always had to work hard to get what I wanted and I already DID work hard to get this baby.Didn’t matter he was a he and he was a he who had a kidney problem. One that for the next 8+yrs we would have to deal with Sick Kids hospital and surgeries and procedures. Faced time and time again with witnessing “Real” sick kids boys and girls who were dying in their parent’s arms… but hey my 3rd*HAD to be my girl! Had to be.*So we ttc ASAP. Used fertility drugs again. Got pg. Waited till birth to find out gender because this time of course she was coming. I couldn’t have any more kids after this, 3 kids was huge to us. LARGE and honestly I didn’t really want “kids” I wanted her…..

On birth day when they placed my extremely pale (they thought he was albino) baby boy on my still swollen belly I should have won the academy award for how well I played the happy mom. Little did I know this little stranger with a penis all hot and wet laying there looking up at me with his beautiful perfect face would not stir one ounce of emotion in me. None… He was cute yes… but I didn’t love him. I looked at him like I would a cute puppy. Yes adorable but a lot of work that I didn’t particularly want to deal with. And I still wanted her………

I beg pleaded and threatened my dh into ttc a 4th*child.**Back I went on fertility drugs that made me a monster. During this time I had 3 m/cs and tried to hide my indifference to my 3rd*son who was the best baby anyone could ask for. I cried in the shower mortified that I felt no love for an innocent child that was my own. Disgusted that I felt no emotion for him, I consider myself an intelligent woman and I wasn’t young at this point, I understood that the feelings I had were not right. Not healthy. Yet instead of seeking help I sought out people like minded and devoured gender boards where I felt justified in my longing and pursuit. My feelings of indifference towards my 3rd*son. I did grow to have feelings for him and it eventually turned to love but it is not the same I feel for my first two sons. I am haunted in dreams still nearly 8yrs later of him falling and landing on a glass roof where I look up at him broken and bleeding his eyes pleading down at me calling out “mommy” or dreams where he falls on his legs and he comes to me on crippled broken and disfigured begging me to help him and I DO in my dreams I scream in horror and fear of loosing him and I can never reach him. Never get to him and be what he wants and needs me for….I hate those dreams.

I should have thrown out my laptop and avoided gender boards like an alcoholic should avoid bars.

Instead I had another baby. Another son. My worse pg, my worse birth. And although I thought I had experienced GD before I had no idea how farther I could fall….

I did love this little guy right away, my broody negative little 4th*son. But I was in a dark place after he was born. I couldn’t get out of it. I wanted to be dead. (really was this because he was a boy or because I already needed help and had made my situation worse by adding more responsibility, more work, more anger to the mix??) who knows. I just know that I should have seeked some help but I was to far down in the dark place. I wanted to leave my family. Leave my boys, my husband. At this time my oldest was a teenager and doing what teens do and I wasn’t there as a healthy mother should be. I was to lost in my anger that I didn’t get what I worked so hard to achieve. I felt anger at life for not giving me what I deserved what I worked so hard to get. My relationship with my oldest son weakened to the point that I don’t know if I can get it back. My Little man. My first child. My grown son who doesn’t look at me the way he use to because of how depressed and angry I got with the world… not him. I wasn’t there emotionally the way I should*have been. Because I was too busy being angry I didn’t get what I wanted. That life was being unfair to me. So I was letting life pass me by.

Instead I hid out on Gender boards, stayed dark, and made new plans. I would adopt. That was the answer. This was the reason I didn’t have a bio dd of my own. I would save a little girl who needed a family and I would get the daughter I always dreamed about. This was the reason for everything. This was why I was here. I started to feel a little better although overwhelmed with 3 boys under 3 and a teen… and then it happened. I got pg on my own without fertility treatments without ttc in fact I was avoiding it. And of course it was another boy.

That pg I pretended it didn’t exist. I hated that baby. Hated him with a passion. Wanted him dead from the moment I found out I was pg. I am pro choice but terminating a pg isn’t something I could choose to do. I thought about it, I did. But I didn’t have the balls to go do it… plus I had a stupid tiny thread of hope that maybe just maybe… I did deserve a girl after all.

I know I was wrong to think this way. I knew it and didn’t care. I just stayed in my anger. Stayed in my dark place and when he was born was shocked how much this little personality rocked my world. (God I love that kid) I still wanted a daughter don’t get me wrong. I still felt it ridiculous that me, who only wanted ONE girl, was now the mother of 5 sons. But this little guy was a little glimmer of light for me. I didn’t look at him as a boy though… just my “Kai” my sweet little (big personality) strange bird. He didn’t thrive at birth and has always been behind kids his age and yes… he is very weird. But I adore him. My special little ocean.

So now I am trying to work out my thoughts. Deal with my emotions. Trying to move on from this all and (still adopt of course I had to save my girl) try to bond better with my 3rd*son, salvage my destroyed relationship with my almost grown 1st*son. Be a good mom to my other boys and try to be some sort of wife, friend, daughter. But I didn’t leave the boards. I was the recovering alcoholic. The one who wants to be the sponsor but yet still blames alcohol for all the choices I made in the past. Some call it over coming the odds, some call it pompous. I know call it fooling myself.

I did have a 6th*child and this time it was a girl. No winged angels came down from heaven playing trumpets and no fairy baby was born. A beautiful child who looked like her brothers was born, but she pooped and peed and puked (actually puked more since she was so severely colicky) she was the answer to my prayer but wait…. She is by far my most difficult child. How could this be??? 20yrs of waiting for her, all the things I did and all the people I affected with my desire and she is HARD!?!?! Beyond hard and now I am 41yrs old and while my other friends are moving on to new stages in their lives here I sit with 6 children. A grown son who is indifferent to me because of my discontent, 5 younger kids 6yrs apart in age. One I struggle with guilt with because I still don’t bond to him like the rest and it has been 8yrs!!! And he is by far one of the sweetest kindest people I have ever met. A huge fear that my 5th*son will be torn from me some way because I wished him dead. Things are always happening to threaten his life. I ran in front of a speeding car to push him out of harms way … and leaped over him and fell down a flight of wooden stairs because I didn’t see him sitting on the top step and it was either him or me down the stairs. I jumped and thought I broke leg (dented the bone permanently) I find myself constantly pleading that nothing “bad” happen to him.. to all of them really because I feel I don’t deserve them. Because they deserve better than me.

And my daughter. My girl. The one I have saddled with all my messed up emotions. My reason for doing the things I did. She will never live up to my expectations. How can she? She is just her, her own person. Not the image I have held tight for 20yrs. She is difficult, and ornery and full of piss and vinegar and why not?? She isn’t a doll after all. She is who she is. And it isn’t because she is a girl. Like my boys, she is what she is. And she SHOULD be. She shouldn’t have to “fix” me. That is my job.

I love my children but I often wonder what if I had stopped at 2? Or 3? Wonder if I seeked help and dealt with my GD? Wonder if I would have found out what was really at the root of my issues?? Maybe if I dealt with being molested at 5? Or raped at 15?? A mother who dealt with mental issues?? And pushed me like a pawn in a chess game towards a father who didn’t want me?

No, no more excuses. No more putting the blame on anyone or anything. It is me. I need to take responsibility for my own actions and behaviour.

This extremely long post is not seeking advice. Not seeking acceptance or encouragement. Pity or understanding. I guess it is me finally trying to map out the reality of where my extreme GD has lead me and dealing with the consequences. Gender boards (not just this one) have always been my hiding place. And I think it is here that I should finally start rising out of the dark.

If you have read this and are rolling your eyes. I am doing one more self indulgent thing and writing this so that I can move on and TRY to repair my relationships with those that matter to me (my sons and my daughter) I need to rise above all that I have done and take account for it. Extreme GD is more than wanting to abort a baby in utero. My sons are no longer babies. In fact neither really is my desired girl who didn’t’ make all the boo boos go away.

This just my verbal diareah. How I feel about all this. How it has consumed my life. How I allowed it to. How it has affected everyone around me.

No one has to agree or disagree. No one has to respond to it (probably can’t even finish reading it LOL) but I needed to get it off my chest and well I guess I am the drunk standing at the AA meeting and saying,

Hi my name is Deena and I am an alcoholic….

Maybe now I can move forward.

baby2016baby

October 11th, 2016, 11:43 AM

On another note....
I tried to speak to my counsellor about GD and she looked at me like I was mad.
Do people just never talk about it?? Is admitting to GD really the most shameful thing that a counsellor who has been practising for 40 years and seen hundreds or thousands of patients have really never come across it before??

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Hi pink where are you?? I am having the exact same problem in the UK. It's either never talked about, or it's something that they hear about but try to keep away from. My councillor had tried to blame several factors for my extreme gender dissapointment always skirting around the actual issue. Even though I have never had any mental health problems until this so no doubt to me the antagonist. I do think they hear of it but they beleive it's a small factor within a bigger picture. I'm sorry they are not being supportive. If ever you want to rant or get anything off your cheast feel free to pm me. I've found advice a support on here (from some people!) Much more valuable than my gp, councillor or anyone irl. I won't judge be it you 1st or 10th gd xxcx

baby2016baby

October 11th, 2016, 12:00 PM

Hi sig, can i first say I'm so sorry about your still birth. I have friends and family affected and I know its never gets easier, you never get better and quite often, people say the wrong thing. I see from your signature she was 30 weeks, i bet she was beautiful and the image of you and your partner. I love her name also. Life can sometimes deal you cards that are so cruel and inexplainable. You try so hard to find reason or explaination to ease your pain but nothing works. I have never had a still birth. But I work within a departmeny that does. I have however had 3 miscarriages (1 late, 2 early) although i cannot compare to having a 30w baby born asleep, I have known baby loss.

It breaks my heart and to be honest its people like yourself who, i know, would do anything to tak a child home, be that's a boy, girl, or alien, that make my feel guilty of my own feelings. I hope that in time you arms will hold a child that comes to stay and your pain will be eased.

I really don't feel very comfortable discussing with you given your situation, but all I can say, at this time, the though of ending the pregnancy seems more bareable that continuing it. Where as for you it was the opposite. I wish i could feel like that, but i cant lie about my feelings

Of course i was aware that there was a chance of an opposite, but after a previous failed sway and being on number 4 I allowed myself to beelive, and as they say the further you soar the harder you fall. My feelings are 100x worse than when i was expecting my 3rd dd. I had hoped (and assumed) i would come round just the same as I did last time but as time goes on, i am coming to the realisation that might not happen. the post from the lady does not help me because wheras she was able to go onto have another 2 children and ultimately her girl, that option is not open to me (for health and other reasons)

Wishing you all the love and luck in the world and i appreciate your input xxx

Burakoam

October 11th, 2016, 12:03 PM

Sigrid I am sure you meant well but there is really no way in hell the other lady did. Baby specifically asked for religion to be left out so either the other lady disrespected her wishes and feelings because how she feels is more important than baby, or she didn't even care enough to read the whole post. Total lack of caring either way.

I am terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter and I understand you would do anything to have her in your arms and why you feel so strongly that we should be grateful for what we have. However I may shock you a bit further as I say that at this point I can surely speak for myself and maybe even baby when I say we would welcome that over how we are feeling right now. And add in there is a lot of fear to being a mother to a baby you do not want. We don't want to be the mother people read about who kill or abandon their baby. We want to love our 4th daughters. Really I do. Elieve I love mine and despite baby's strong feelings I think she loves hers too but love isn't always enough. Extreme Depression is so strong.

Yes there was the chance the sways would fail. But look at how often they work and odds should have been in our favor with overall gender odds that we should have at least 1 boy out of 4 kids... hell even one of us should have had a boy period. That's 8 girls between us which is just astounding given the 51/50 boy/girl ratio.

Pink fairy- it's a very taboo subject. Think of all the young mothers you hear committing suicide after their first. But no reason is ever known family can't even remember them being depressed.. how many of them were silent GD sufferers that saw no other way out and Really believed their families and children were better off without them?

netti02

October 11th, 2016, 01:09 PM

Hi Baby

I think that counsellor is a twat for 'pushing it under the carpet'. Like all things in the world we should be able to talk about GD and if we didn't get the gender we desired, particularly if we put our bodies and hearts into a sway to get that desired gender. You see a counselor to discuss how you feel not to be judged or ridiculed or scrutinized about your morals or personality or how you feel.

I contemplated seeing a counselor when i found out i was having my 5th boy. I was adamant he was a she. Id seen a psychic, got a couple of confirmations. Id had this feeling that this was it. I went and shopped for some girl stuff had a wardrobe of clothing prepared both new and second hand. At my NT scan she thought boy because of the angle. I googled right up until my appmnt about angle theory being wrong. I paid for a gender u/s. Tech didn't even need to tell me, i was a pro by now..it sucked big time. I even googled 'can a boy turn into a girl on u/s' a gazillion times.

I felt pretty lost for a while. I tend to look at the bright side though and slowly talked myself out of the resentment i had and to be thankful blah blah blah. And hes the cutest sweetest lil dude.

Me and my dh work and i know i have to draw the limits in the number of children we do have somewhere. I really want to try one more time, dh is on the fence yet mutters about getting a vasectomy. PGd is def not on the cards too.

I think for me i always thought i would have a daughter yet here i am 5 boys in and realities sinking in that its probably not gonna happen. Its the finality to it that gets to me. Starts to choke me and i cant breathe. Its like i dont ask for much in life and of all the possibilities i thought for sure ill have boys and girls but nope. Yet people push out BBGG BGBG or classic PP everywhere 😠😠😠 at least when im here i know there's this weird side to reproduction that for some strange reason some families either have all boy or all girls....

I can't even stand looking at mothers and daughters when im out. Mixed families piss me off even more.

I see all daughter families though and i always think did she want a boy (cause i know i would). And i see all son families and wonder too if they wanted a girl.

People always tell me you can't choose..i feel like saying well if we legalise PGD in Australia for gender balancing well yeh we could

Anyway enough of my rambling. I hope you find comfort and peace in the future.

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Kittybear

October 11th, 2016, 01:51 PM

atomic sagebrush

October 11th, 2016, 01:59 PM

Burakoam

October 11th, 2016, 04:19 PM

Edit: I went back and read the story posted and realized that was deena. I can see why you love and respect her atomic and thank you guys for sharing her story.

While i understand why you deleted my post and babies and the 'other persons'...

That person has sent baby totally off the edge. (i want to really push the point that it was nobody else in this thread, i want nobody else to feel guilty) i had her as a friend on facebook to keep in touch because she was going to post less here and now she has gone into deeper despair and deleted her facebook. I have no way of knowing if she is okay now, and yes i am certain she deleted her facebook entirely and didnt just remove me because she said shortly after that post with her comment and some others in real life for her she was feeling worse and worse and was going to delete her facebook.

If anything happens to her and she never posts here again or facebook, i do not feel like a terrible person in saying i hope honestly you are racked with guilt that you couldnt just leave well enough alone and push your beliefs off on others. She has/had 3 other girls who needed her! Your comment about how she is just 'a girl mom' was especially devastating to her because thats like telling someone such as yourself between your boy and your girl "oh you are just a boy mom, god gave me 4 daughters and i love them and thats just how god works"

I am astounded that when someone is in pain and needs help and comfort a person rushes in there to totally disrespect their wants and feelings because their point of view is so much more important and right.

If this post gets deleted i will have lost all respect. That person NEEDS to know what they have done, they need to watch how they respond and treat others in the future. They shouldnt be protected and coddled so they dont have to deal with consequences of what they have potentially done.

baby if you read this i love you and i am here for you and wish at the very least you would reactivate your facebook so we can keep in touch. Please hang in there with me, you and i really will get through this together, one way or another.

edit 2: and baby has liked this post. well thank goodness.

Throwaway_panther

October 11th, 2016, 04:48 PM

Oh ladies, I am truly so sorry for your depression (and if I caused you more upset Buro when you first announced your baby's gender - that was truly not my intention).

I cannot say if the GD that I experienced is greater or less than what you both are experiencing, I just know that it was completely $h*t and I feel that I need to respond to anyone having the same/ similar visceral reaction even if it is for fundamentally opposite reasons (like with throw away panther when she was preggo, and *stalker alert* ;) I sometimes drop in to see how she is doing)

I don't know how either of you will feel if/ when your babies are born. All I do know is that I felt a little better after my '110%' sway opposite ds2 was here and he existed rather than just the thought of him.

It's true that I 'only' have 2 boys, but that is 2 more than I ever wanted (I wouldn't change them now though). I also stopped posting on my dd board and went to hide with the ht ladies.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Everyone 'deserves' their desired gender, just some never quite make it there. If nothing else, I truly hope you blessed with good sons-in- law and many lovely grandsons in the future.

Xxx
Aww, you've always been so sweet Kitty! 😚 (and know the rest of my post isn't directed to you!)

And I know the "baby being here" changes things, and was very true for me, but that unsourced story of that woman's GD is the the real totem of what can go wrong. Hell, I've definitely already thought, "I want a son so bad -- watch me get a sociopath or someone with autism, since those affect more men than women." But the fear of just not wanting a child, even years after, is horrifying and DOES happen, as this story shares. And that story only seems to have highlighted how choosing to terminate (in addition to therapy) really would have been the healthier option. I know what it's like to be the unwanted child, specifically with gender too... it's not good.

I'm truly worried about baby here too, and ultimately our comments could hurt more than help, but I do think saying she would live to regret aborting isn't helpful period. I don't think there's a woman alive who doesn't know the potential consequences of an abortion -- but millions of women have lived happy, regret free lives because of choosing that option.

I think the hard discussion is on abortion over gender, which has an unsavory cast (especially when it's conducted illegally in so many other places). I maintain that our bodies are our bodies -- so I think if it's a healthier option than other things, it's not wrong to be considered. But I too falter at the idea myself because of the "but what if this child is the light of my life."

It's hard. And I, like that story teller, have been in therapy for years. Finally talked about the sexual abuse I faced. Was fortunate to have a therapist who didn't bat an eye at my GD. Did end up loving my daughter in an indescribable way.

But I'm still here. I still want my son. And there are many people with succesful sways who disappear off here because they DO finally feel happiness.

I think therapy and all of that is good, since I think GD is also often a result of other factors. But I also think, sometimes, it's in isolation. We can talk about our pasts, work through our obsessions... but it doesn't mean taking away that desire.

But, of course, therapy -- imo -- is a necessary course for someone with GD. Because it order to find out if having the desired sex is really the root, that other stuff needs to be talked about.

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sigrid86

October 11th, 2016, 04:49 PM

Hi baby2016baby, thanks a lot for your kind words. I'm ok with people saying wrong things, I guess that's normal since people don't know how to deal with this kind of situation (I'm not referring to you btw, just replying on your post ;)). She was indeed beautiful (what any parent would say ofcourse :)).
Like you said, life is sometimes really cruel and you wonder why some have to deal with these kind of situations and others have all the luck. But I think I'm passed that. I know it's just really bad luck unfortunately. I just hope that we don't ever have to deal with this again. I'm sorry for your miscarriages, I can imagine that's terrible too.

You say that you feel guilty towards people like me. Please don't. I really understand...I even feel guilty for my feelings of wanting a girl so much more than a boy. Especially after all we've been through I don't dare to tell anyone because everyone would be like 'just be glad having a healthy baby'. And they're maybe right, but I'm scared I won't love my next baby as I loved Liv and I think it will be even worse with a boy :(

Ofcourse I can't understand what you're going through. The only thing I hope is that you won't feel guilty the rest of your life. That seems unbearable to live with. So please don't think I will judge you because of what I've experienced. I was just telling you that because I don't want you to feel worse afterwards than the way you feel now.

I understand very well that your chances were high with such a sway, but unfortunately there are always people falling from the stats (if you know what I mean) :(
I really believe that the lady was trying to help, but it just came out wrong. And indeed, it's really not the same if you don't have any chance left for having your desired gender.

Just a last thing, I'm going to a counsellor for my loss and last time we discussed a new pregnancy (that I really fear ofcourse). I told him that I'm afraid that it'll be a boy and I immediately noticed that he didn't understand. He told me that I should be thinking of where this is coming from. But that doesn't matter. I have the feeling of being a girl mom and would just love to have a girl (or 2). Just like you'd love to have a boy. It's strange that it's such a taboo topic...I really hope you find someone who can help you with these feelings.

I hope that you really think things through and hope you feel good with your choice. Wishing you all the best with your family xxx

sigrid86

October 11th, 2016, 05:28 PM

Hi Burakoam, I indeed meant well. Maybe she didn't read the whole post...
I understand the thing of leaving religion out. I searched on some forums regarding stillbirth (American, since there aren't many Belgian) and I see that so many people are religious. I'm totally fine with believing in some kind of God (I just don't - never have and never will) but I just can't understand that my baby being dead has something to do with it. Then what kind of God is that :mad: So I didn't feel comfortable on that forum most of the time and stay away from it now.

Thank you for your kind words btw. I do feel that we should be grateful but I also find it normal to have a gender desire! I don't know how it feels to have GD but I'm really afraid of it. Would you really love a baby less because of the gender?
I really can't tell. Like I just told baby, I'm really afraid of not loving my next baby as much as I love Liv*, let alone that it's a boy...
Ofcourse I don't want you to be the mother who kills or abandons their baby, you only want the best for your child. But also like I said to baby, I just hope you won't feel guilty the rest of your life.
I know about extreme depression (my sister suffered from this a few years ago - I almost didn't have a sister anymore). It's something you can't really understand unless you dealt with it, but it's really necessary to talk to a professional and if needed, take meds.

I get that the odds should have been in your favor, especially with a great sway, but I think some people just don't get the luck they deserve :( Life isn't always fair I know.
I wanted to give some advice but I just can't. I think counselling (with someone who understands) is the only/best way to feel happy about your life again. I hope that you can find joy again and wish you all the best!

Burakoam

October 11th, 2016, 07:38 PM

sigrid86

October 12th, 2016, 05:10 AM

I'm going to delete some threads here, so just wanted to fully disclose that before I do.

I also do want to mention something. Deena is my good friend and has gone on to have a rich and full life and I don't want anyone to take that post as a snapshot of who she is at all. I know she would be happy if it helped people in some way but she is just so much more than a "person who had GD." She had and has a lot of courage for always being open and honest with people and is a huge hero of mine. :)

Oh Atomic, I'm sorry didn't knew about that. I saw that in another thread and thought it maybe was a good quote for baby; I hoped that this would make her see that she isn't the only one and that maybe this story would be an inspiration and would change her perspective.
But I'm very glad that she has a rich and full life :)

sigrid86

October 12th, 2016, 05:20 AM

Sigrid- i posted about it a bit in a TTC boy thread but i have tried therapy and meds and my depression is not treated with standard anti depressants or mood stabilizers..the only time i have ever actually been 'happy' is when i was on Vyvanse. They say there is a specific type of depression that comes with ADHD that wont be treated with normal depression type meds...its like a genetic depression, as opposed to a life circumstance depression if that makes sense.

However right now i have that plus the GD.

Liv will always be special because she was your first. You will find you do love your other babies wether they are girls or boys...liv will always have a special spot because she made you a mommy. and you are still her mommy wether she is here or not. And i know there is some trauma from losing her and i think its that trauma that makes you fear you wouldnt love a boy as much as her. Also the unfairness that your dream daughter was taken from you so why couldnt you just have one more girl? I can understand all that thinking even if i havent experienced it myself. I think you will ultimately do just fine with either gender though, and yes i expect because of the trauma you have experienced so wrongly that regardless of gender there will be some issues to work through but i see bright and beautiful things for you Sig :)

Burakoam, I'm really sorry that you feel depressed so often but I'm glad there is medication that helps with it. Ofcourse, GD can't be fixed I'm afraid :( I suppose it's just something you should look at differently I guess. Really don't know how you should deal with that.

Thanks! Liv will indeed always be special and will always be the one who made us parents, although it's awful that we became parents for the first time like this :( Indeed, I think the trauma is maybe a part of the reason I'm afraid I wont' love a boy as much as her. But I even have it with a girl, just not that much as with a boy.
Thank you! I hope my counsellor can guide me real good whenever I get pg again, I think it'll be necessary. I hope I will do good :)
Thanks for those sweet words! I really hope you can change your thoughts about GD and live a wonderful life :kiss:

Complex Emotions

October 12th, 2016, 11:50 AM

...And there are many people with succesful sways who disappear off here because they DO finally feel happiness...

This is a fascinating thread - I think a lot about all of these perspectives. I add want to add something in response to what Throwaway Panther wrote above.

I've noticed that a lot of us, myself included, have mentioned having previous fixations and other issues that have dominated our hearts and minds in ways similar to how GD is driving our lives right now. I'm guessing, just judging by how my own mind has worked in the past, that if I do have a baby girl that my GD will be "healed"...but then sooner or later something else is going to start feeling like it's "dominating" me. It's something about my mind, some kind of vulnerability in who I am.

At the same time, I also think it's true that my life would be "richer" in a really special way with a daughter, it would be a resonant, life changing thing that I would profoundly enjoy and grow from. So that's there too.

In short, there's a valid sense of a significant loss I'd experience in never having a daughter, but it's being exaggerated due to something in how my mind works. And I'm also not fully capable of appreciating how much a second boy might add to our family.

Those people who have a baby of the gender they're dreaming of, their GD is dead... but who knows what happens next in their lives? Maybe something else comes to take it's place.

Throwaway_panther

October 12th, 2016, 02:32 PM

This is a fascinating thread - I think a lot about all of these perspectives. I add want to add something in response to what Throwaway Panther wrote above.

I've noticed that a lot of us, myself included, have mentioned having previous fixations and other issues that have dominated our hearts and minds in ways similar to how GD is driving our lives right now. I'm guessing, just judging by how my own mind has worked in the past, that if I do have a baby girl that my GD will be "healed"...but then sooner or later something else is going to start feeling like it's "dominating" me. It's something about my mind, some kind of vulnerability in who I am.

At the same time, I also think it's true that my life would be "richer" in a really special way with a daughter, it would be a resonant, life changing thing that I would profoundly enjoy and grow from. So that's there too.

In short, there's a valid sense of a significant loss I'd experience in never having a daughter, but it's being exaggerated due to something in how my mind works. And I'm also not fully capable of appreciating how much a second boy might add to our family.

Those people who have a baby of the gender they're dreaming of, their GD is dead... but who knows what happens next in their lives? Maybe something else comes to take it's place.

As always CE, you write so eloquently and so clearly to get the point across <3

And you're absolutely right -- I have been toying with that thought myself, since baby and Buro's sways have ignited my super intense GD again along with anxiety. Hell, anytime I see ANYONE pregnant now, I'm burning with the desire to "hurry up and get my boy."

But I've also thought that too: what happens if I get my boy? What comes next? Another boy? Maybe a boy and a girl for a perfect spread of 4 kids?

My whole life has been an obsessive drive. It went from the desire to control my life so much (when I was suffering with physical and sexual abuse as a child) to obsessive over getting my body to pretty much disappear with my eating disorder. My ED tendencies are so, so obsessive...

And I made the realization with my therapist the other day, that for the first time since I can remember, food/body issues aren't my driving force... it's literally been replaced with, "I need to have a boy. What can I do to have a boy."

And I say all this, too, after HOURS spent this morning spent researching weight percentiles because I was so concerned about my DD's weight at her 4 month appointment being low (when even my pediatrician was telling me to chill out, there was nothing to worry about; and her height percentile is high, so it's not that's she's not growing, either).

Look at me! My obsession with numbers and goals is already being transferred onto my daughter, since I'm now obsessed with her gaining more weight :( I'm obsessed with having a boy so much that I can't even bare to look around the pediatrician's waiting room because it's filled with BOYS. I'm going on nearly a year now of constantly asking people how close in age their kids are, ESPECIALLY if they had a boy coming after a girl, because I still need to have one... now!

I don't think that lifelong path of obsessive tendencies is going to disappear with my dream son. But, I've also already thought, "Well, after him I can go back to obsessing over my body..."

There might just be no winning for some of us. But at least our desired gender would help :/

Complex Emotions

October 14th, 2016, 12:02 AM

...There might just be no winning for some of us...
Yes and no. :wink:

I mean, yes, over all these years there's usually something still driving my mind. But the good news is that the older we get the more we can recognize this pattern and can (at least on good days) understand that it's all some kind of an illusion. I mean, the things I obsessed over in my teens and twenties are pretty much dead to me now, so doesn't it make sense to believe that the things I'm stuck on now are going to die too, one way or another?

atomic sagebrush

October 14th, 2016, 07:01 PM

Oh Atomic, I'm sorry didn't knew about that. I saw that in another thread and thought it maybe was a good quote for baby; I hoped that this would make her see that she isn't the only one and that maybe this story would be an inspiration and would change her perspective.
But I'm very glad that she has a rich and full life :)

No not at all, I just know that she would not want to only be thought of as the person who wrote that so many years ago. :) I know she would be very happy if it helped people in some way.

atomic sagebrush

October 14th, 2016, 07:04 PM

Yes and no. :wink:

I mean, yes, over all these years there's usually something still driving my mind. But the good news is that the older we get the more we can recognize this pattern and can (at least on good days) understand that it's all some kind of an illusion. I mean, the things I obsessed over in my teens and twenties are pretty much dead to me now, so doesn't it make sense to believe that the things I'm stuck on now are going to die too, one way or another?

I promise you guys, you CAN overcome this over time. I know whereof I speak, my 20's were pretty much ruined by anxiety and "hamster wheel" thinking and then my 30's were better but not THAT much better, culminating in GD at the end of the decade, but it's just BETTER now. In fact, I will admit sometimes I MISS being that person, even though I know it's better for everyone involved, I just got so darn much more done back then. :)

atomic sagebrush

October 14th, 2016, 07:13 PM

pinkfairydust

October 22nd, 2016, 03:49 PM

Hi pink where are you?? I am having the exact same problem in the UK. It's either never talked about, or it's something that they hear about but try to keep away from. My councillor had tried to blame several factors for my extreme gender dissapointment always skirting around the actual issue. Even though I have never had any mental health problems until this so no doubt to me the antagonist. I do think they hear of it but they beleive it's a small factor within a bigger picture. I'm sorry they are not being supportive. If ever you want to rant or get anything off your cheast feel free to pm me. I've found advice a support on here (from some people!) Much more valuable than my gp, councillor or anyone irl. I won't judge be it you 1st or 10th gd xxcx

Yes also in UK. Really frustrating! I KNOW lots of people suffer GD so why is my counsellor acting like it's totally alien? And yes, why do they act like our real problem must lie elsewhere, when no it doesn't!!

This is a fascinating thread - I think a lot about all of these perspectives. I add want to add something in response to what Throwaway Panther wrote above.

I've noticed that a lot of us, myself included, have mentioned having previous fixations and other issues that have dominated our hearts and minds in ways similar to how GD is driving our lives right now. I'm guessing, just judging by how my own mind has worked in the past, that if I do have a baby girl that my GD will be "healed"...but then sooner or later something else is going to start feeling like it's "dominating" me. It's something about my mind, some kind of vulnerability in who I am.
.

Totally agree with this. Have re-read it many times and it really resonates. I certainly suffer from repetitive thoughts and feelings ..that DO pass over time...only to be replaced with other obsessions.

"This too shall pass"

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pinkfairydust

October 22nd, 2016, 03:53 PM

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