Failed Sway Hurts so Much

[BabsNMK]

So I waited until I had my bloodwork confirmation for sure, but today my doctor confirmed that we are having our third boy. I have so much to say about this so bear with me.

Even though I had known since my 12 week ultrasound, it still killed me to hear this from the nurse's mouth. Then the midwife came in (they are on a rotation so I never know who I'll see) and of course the one today was the no nonsense one. She was the furthest thing from sympathetic and said be thankful he's healthy and I would take 4 boys over my one daughter. She's Ukrainian so I know she was trying tough love but to tell you it didn't work was an understatement. I cried through my entire appointment. Add to that the fact that I've gained about 10lbs in 4 weeks and i was a mess. I had gestational diabetes with my previous pregnancy and based on how I've felt after eating and the rapid weight gain, it's most likely returned. So I can't even eat my sorrows away. And for those of you who have had Gestational diabetes, although it's by no means the worst thing, you have to be so hyper vigilant about everything that goes in your mouth and testing sugars multiple times a day and it just takes whatever joy there is to be had out of pregnancy (I don't think there's much joy in this pregnancy).

Anyway back to the other GD. I swayed hard. 16 weeks of primarily vegetarian, excessive exercising, hungry in between all meals, low blood sugar, even to the point that my cycles changed I was somewhat protein deficient. The one thing I was not super careful of in my sway: http://genderdreaming.com/forum/add-your-girl-sway-/57397-babsnmk-ttc-girl-sway-attempt.html?highlight=BabsNMK+sway was the amount of fat I consumed. I ended up eating a lot of cheese so if that was enough to ruin my sway maybe that was it. But despite that I don't know that the sway was ruined. I think we were made to have boys. My husband is even diagnosed with low testosterone...a seemingly fail-proof girl maker. Ha. I was not stressed about conceiving for the first time ever. We are both hypothyroid though however my meds has been upped so much in the 6 months before conception and my TSH was spot on. I should've had a girl.

I got pregnant first cycle trying. This was my first red flag. But then I was so much more sick than I've ever been, no food cravings just aversions to meat and eggs for weeks, felt like garbage all day long, super anxious and emotional for now reason, constantly broken out, all weight in my hips and bottom...according to old wives tales I should've had a girl. On the due date buddies group here almost everyone was getting their DG and that was my second red flag. Statistically swaying is not 100% or even close so I had a feeling I of course was going to be the one to kill the winning streak. And at 10 weeks I felt almost all my symptoms disappear...my 3rd red flag.

I knew before the ultrasound it was a boy and I prepared myself. It didn't help.. Every single person I knew told me it was a girl. All the symptoms...they had a premonition...it was exactly like their pregnancy. And yet I still knew it was a boy but that seed of doubt was enough. That seed of doubt made me question my instinct and that seed of doubt crushed me when I found out.

I have cried maybe 10 days out of the 12 since I've known. My husband hates that I am this upset and thinks I blame him because it's his sperm that determines gender. I assured him I do not. I love him so much for being so suportive but it also hurts me that he probably had a dream of a little girl too. My mother lives with us and she tries to comfort me but is frustrated that she can't...that nobody can. This is a problem in my brain that I can't seem to fix.

Before getting pregnant I knew this was a risk but I've had friends and family sway with success so I thought that could've been me too. I almost wish I had never heard of swaying because it got my hopes up for nothing. For something that on this sight boils down to just greater than 50% chance. Years ago I was discussing with a random stranger at a nail salon how we would only go for a third child with HT and I forgot about that and am so angry I did. Why didn't I remember that convo? I could've avoided this level of disappointment and if it didn't work then I wouldn't be having a third child.

Here's the worst part of all this. I've seen women on these boards say they don't want their babies once they found out and I thought they were insane. And I feel this way now. What kind of a monster does that make me. I'm still taking care of myself becausse if I'm to have a child I want him healthy and normally developed, but I've lost all interest. I've completely detached from this pregnancy. I used to use my at home doppler to listen to the heartbeat at night and now I don't care. I know I will love him when he comes but what sort of a terrible person doesn't want a healthy beautiful baby that others would literally kill for (my cousin has been trying for 2 years). I'm ungrateful and selfish all in the name of a DG.

I wanted a girl for so many reasons-starting with the cute clothes as a baby, then being able to do dance classes until she became so much like her older brothers she would reject anything Girlie. I wanted to reach her how to shave and watch my husband grill whatever dates she had. I wanted to pick out her prom dress or tuxedo (hey you never know how they will grow up). I wanted to watch her fall in love and cry on my shoulder when her heart was broken. I wanted to have a relationship with her like I have with my mom. I know life can turn out differently than we picture it but this is what I'm mourning...a picture in my mind. So far my two boys reject anything feminine. The third could change that...but for once it would be nice to play with dolls or so dress up rather than trains and balls. And I know a girl doesn't guarantee this but in my mind it was my chance.

So now I will work on ways to accept this little boy. He deserves a better mom than me. I'll step up to the plate because I have to...it just feels impossible right now. I start therapy next week with a woman who specializes in GD so I really hope that helps. Right now between the guilt I'm feeling for feeling this way and the utter disappointment, I'm struggling to enjoy the two blessings I do have. I'm a sucky mom. Good thing I have a ton of help because all my children deserve better.

If you've stuck through this long thank you. This is a post I've mentally been composing since I found out and it feels nice to write down. But because it's so long I'm not going to proofread and apologize for any errors.

[Faithinpink]

I dont have alot to say but i just want you to know that i understand YOU! please dont think you are a bad mum . Give yourself time , you will get through this . Thankfully you have a supportive dh and mother.
Iam sending you a huge hug and plenty of strength your way :bighug:
This little guy you are holding really wanted you as his mummy xo take care of you and vent as much as you need too

[atomic sagebrush]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. I was also in a very similar place when I found out about my 3rd boy (I did not sway with him really other than timing). It just took time and by the time he came I felt a lot better about the whole thing.

Please let me know if I can do anything.

[Mommy2apples]

I understand sweetie. I was so disappointed my fourth baby was a boy. I cried for a week. It was terrible. He is the sweetest little almost two year old I couldn't even picture my life without him. I didn't know about swaying though, I just had in my head he was going to be a baby sister for my only daughter. Nope he was my third boy. So in June I will be swaying for a girl :)
Prayers for you and I pray just maybe you will get one more chance at a baby girl.


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[BabsNMK]

Thanks for all the support. I didn't expect to feel this way. I even would joke about the fact that I'd most likely end up with 3 boys. But when reality hit, I wasn't ok with it and I feel so awful about that. I don't want this baby right now and that makes me such a terrible person...I know it does. And yet I can't help what I feel. I didn't even realize the little things...like the picture I had in my mind of bedrooms. The two oldest will share a bedroom but I always had a picture that the youngest would have her own because she was a different gender...never that the youngest would be a boy in his own while the older two are forced to share. I even saved my wedding veil and pictured it draped above the crib. My first son has all white furniture which I hate for little boys but when we picked it out he was unknown. So I was going to move the boy furniture into the older room and then the white furniture would be appropriate for a little girl. And I didn't realize I had all these thoughts until now. They were subconscious. And reality is like a Mack truck.

[trifecta]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this grief right now. Don't beat yourself up. Feelings aren't wrong. This has no bearing on the bond that you'll have with your little guy. I think this is probably the lowest you'll feel, because you haven't met your baby yet and seen how cute and endearing he'll be (and of course pregnancy amplifies all of our feelings). All those unmet expectations and plans are so hard to deal with. I think it's great that you found a counselor who specializes in GD.

[BabsNMK]

I know I'll love him when he's here. I just want to skip through the next 6 months because as of right now I have no interest. Maybe when I start to feel him move.

[Throwaway_panther]

Babs, let me first say how sorry I am for your disappointment. I'm so very sorry you're going through so much, and I fully understand the misery of going through a pregnancy like that -- I do truly hope the next several months go by quickly, and that you do find some solace or happiness in the meantime. I know I felt a lot better once the third trimester rolled around because it meant I was almost done.

I'd point out, too, that you didn't do anything to make the sway fail. It's always an odds came, hence why it's "swaying" -- like a nudge. The cheese probably didn't do it, and me and many other moms of girls can testify that we got pregnant on the first try as well, so don't feel you have to beat yourself in hindsight for "red flags." Every OWT for my DD was a "boy" sign and people were convinced I was having a boy -- we just try to grasp onto anything to give us some locus of control!

The question you asked that I really wanted to address was when you said, "What kind of mother am I?"

A GOOD one. Yes, you're feeling those negative feelings and thinking those dark thoughts. I get it -- I thought the darkest of the dark when pregnant with my DD (when wanting a son). But the perspective you might not be seeing is that you are AWARE of you feeling/thinking these things. You're chastising yourself for them. You're a GOOD person who feels at odds with thinking/feeling "bad" things.

And let me rephrase, too: I don't think any of those things are bad. You're in a hard place -- pregnancy alters our brains and alters our hormones, so everyday things can be harder to process, let alone big things like despair and disappointment in the sex of our child. So let yourself think and feel these things, but know this:

You're not a monster. Yes, unfortunately, you got a personal insight into why some of us have said and felt the dark things we've had in pregnancy, but even then, you are not less than for having thought those things. You have an insight and awareness to acknowledge that you don't want to think/feel this way but are. And being detached from pregnancy happens even with people who are getting their very wanted child! It's OK to not feel bonded with a pregnancy -- sometimes pregnancy just really, really sucks!

You already know you'll love your son, and are already doing things (like taking care of yourself) to be good to him even through your despair. That's true strength -- that's good motherhood. You ARE a good mom and you ARE a good person and I will personally remind you every time you falter until your DS is born. We are here because we get it; we get that disconnect between "I'll love this baby no matter what" and "I WANTED something so different." Even not wanting the baby is OK, too. Hell, you even saying you envisioned taking a daughter to get either a prom dress or tux is fabulous -- you are exactly the kind of mother the world needs more of. Open minded, warm, and insightful. You might have those options with biological sons, too!

I truly, truly am so sorry for the pain you're in. But know you are a good mom. You are a good person. You are not a monster.

[Claire33]

Your feelings really describe how I was feeling when I heard boy no. 3. I was in such a deep dark pit, I didn't know how I would survive. I just wanted the entire baby to disappear into thin air. He was supposed to be our last baby, and he was supposed to be a she. I was depressed for weeks, I just wanted to escape from my body, this body carrying this child that I didn't want. It was so horrible. However, during the pregnancy I got gradually better and when he arrived I felt instantly in love. And also now, 4 years later, he is such a wonderful little boy. I could not imagine my feelings towards him being they way they were. I was very glad I had my pregnancy to get used to the baby being a boy, rather than having my hopes up for 9 months and then being disappointed at birth. Even though my pregnancy was rough, at least when he arrived I was ready for him, and ready to be his mom. Hugs to you, things will get better, even if you might not feel that way now. You are grieving a dream, be kind to yourself.

[BabsNMK]

Throwaway and Claire thank you so so much for your posts. I hadn't come on in a few days because every time I'd come on and see the gender prediction posts and for some reason all the girl ones were making me very angry. But to read your posts just now really felt so nice and supportive.

Today I worked a lot and it took a toll on my body and I was having some uncomfortable cramping which is pretty normal for me during pregnancy...I get physically impacted easily. But I kept thinking on my drive home...oh well if I miscarry at least this will all be over. And then of course I felt guilty for feeling that way. If we had more money we would 100% go for a 4th and do hi-tech and then this nightmare would end (clearly this is not a nightmare since I have a healthy baby I'm just feeling like this today). Even my husband tonight said he was sad it wasn't a girl and yes if it was financially feasible we'd try again. But since it's not possible, I keep praying for a do over. And that's not reality.

And then when I feel really guilty I'm afraid that these thoughts are going to result in a child with some major disability and it's somehow my fault. Because I should be just so happy with a healthy baby. I'm not religious but I wonder if would religion would be more useful here because maybe it would force me to embrace the blessings I have.

[JenB17]

Hello Babs,

I am not active on this site anymore, but from time to time I pop on for some reassurance. I saw your post and I literally could have written it myself about 3years ago.
After DS1 (which i genuinely couldn't care whether he was a B or G), I desired a girl. Everyone of my anti-natal girls had had boys first and when we were all pregnant with our seconds they ALL had girls next. I was literally the ONLY one who had a second boy and I was gutted. I wished the pregnancy away and lost my desire for the baby. Well, he was born and of course, love at first site. He was just the most happy, charming and easy going little lad ever and I was just smitten. DH wasn't fussed on having anymore but knew I terribly desire a girl, so 2yrs later (after a lot of lurking and researching on here) I embarked on my sway. DH appeared very supportive and was happy to go along with it but he didn't sway with me. I swayed for 3-4months and put in a good effort. I too, just like you, don't really do breakfast and I have been vegetarian since I was 5yrs!! I am naturally a Martha type and it suits my personality to do a kitchen sink sway, so I decided to pick 3-4 things that I felt were important to sway with and I concentrated on doing those as best I could. I wasn't able to exercise as much as I wanted and I think this let me down,as well as snacking more than I should have. But I was losing weight and trying hard. I didn't find out what I was having but was 95% sure it was another boy. Sure enough DS3 came along. He has been the apple of my eye :) That was it - we were done and I felt a bit sad but totally complete at the same time. I knew I was always going to struggle with not having a girl but neither I or DH wanted any more children. Well, 18months later and I find out I'm pregnant! Total surprise. It was hard because I was grasping on to the fact that surely this was my girl. The surprise baby to complete my family and girl desire. Plus, I had lost my Nan and Auntie recently and so this baby needed to be female to fulfil those girl gaps! I wasn't planning to find out the sex, but during the 5months scan DS4 flashed his bits at me! I was devastated! It took me a few days to stop the tears, and although I knew 100% that he was going to be loved, I really struggled to deal with the fact (all over again!) that NOW there was no hope in hell I was ever going to have a daughter, (i don't want any more babies). Thats has been super hard. DS4 is just amazing and the other boys love him to bits. Its amazing. My desire will never go away but most of the time its at bay. Until someone else flares it up (usually without realising!) - like my sister who has just announced she is expecting a boy after her girl and she is over the moon as 'having one of each is perfect' and she gets to 'enjoy the best of both worlds' (saying these things to me I felt was quite insensitive as my family is perfect just the way it is!
Anyway, i have totally rambled on - sorry! But, I just wanted you to know that I have been exactly where you are and things do get better. I can't say the desire ever goes away, but it does get easier. Just give it time. Once your new little man is here it will be magical. Your feelings are totally normal and you are not a bad person. So so many of us have felt the same and its easy to think that was before you have met your baby, but you already know that once he is here things will change a lot. Just remember you are not alone xx

[BabsNMK]

Thank you JenB. One of the hardest parts is that almost everyone (not a generalization just fact) who have two children or more around me have one of each. I literally don't know a single person with 3 boys. 5 of my friends are all due within a month of me, they are all on number 2, and inevitably many of them will have opposite genders as well. I could've lived never having a boy (my husband might be a different story) but never having a girl to me and seeing others have them is really hard to handle. I admit to them I'm jealous. But now it hurts. It's more than jealousy, its pain. I'm sure you're right that in time I'll mainly avoid the painful days, but I'm so afraid of being the grandmother that looks back in her life and still holds onto the pain.