Please help

[AmyJ]

Just found out that I'm having a boy and I'm so disappointed. Don't know what to do. I feel so detached from this thing inside me and so resentful.

[AmyJ]

Please. I feel so alone and don't know what to do. I'm a terrible person failing at the most basic thing a mother should do.

[Cnerwin]

You are not failing, you are not a terrible person, you are human. I felt disappointed and detached when I found out my second (surprise) baby was a boy throughout almost my entire pregnancy. Once I gave birth and started to bond with him, that disappeared. You will love this baby, it just takes time to adjust and cope. Be sure to talk to your OB if you start to feel very depressed or angry over this or anything. Your hormones are all over the place and depression during pregnancy is very common and treatable. This is your baby, part of you and the person you love, the attachment and affection will come in time.

[AmyJ]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I understand what you are saying, just not convinced it will happen. There are no guarantees and I can't believe I will ever love him like I am supposed to. I can't stop crying and have no interest in my pregnancy or in taking care of myself. No more scans. No more vitamins. What's the point for something I don't even want?

[fiveboys]

Give yourself some time.. maybe just putting the pregnancy out of your head for a bit and concentrate on something different..a new hobby or even planning a holiday.. just take a step back and breath and hopefully things will fall into place... i found that having a 3d scan helped me and picking a name for him.. and avoid all the girly stuff in the shops dont even go down the aisle, this will help so please dont over think things...when this happened to me again and again i did the scan and the name..then spent days walking around in a daze and then i realised i was so gratefull to have a healthy baby no matter what, i was worried how i waould react when i gave birth but i bonded with him straight away... we are all here if your struggling and the majority of us have had the same thoughts like you x

[AmyJ]

Thank you.

I'm not sure I can put it out of my head though p. I've had terrible sickness. If I'm awake, I'm ill, so it's not easy to forget. My face has broken out in painful spots so that's another reminder. And my husband hasn't worked for 5 months so no chance of a holiday. I have to work just to keep our heads above water. This would all have been worth it for a girl but not a boy. I really think I hate this thing inside me. I should be afraid of posting things like that but I don't care anymore.

[Cnerwin]

That's totally understandable, and I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Is this your first child? I hope it does get better for you, maybe give it a little more time, try shopping for the baby or talk to your partner about how you feel. You may even want to try therapy and see if this is something you can move past or if you need to look at other options. I do want you to know though that you're not alone. I went through this, at times almost wishing I would mc as horrible and crazy as that is, and other women have too. I got past it and wouldn't give up my boy for anything now. I was so afraid I would never form an attachment to him or love him like I would have a girl. I wound up having to take antidepressants through the end of my pregnancy and after the birth.

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[Cnerwin]

Sorry, ignore the shopping bit I hadn't seen your newest post.

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[AmyJ]

Thank you.

I'm actually already on anti depressants and it's not really working right now. Or maybe it is and I'd be even worse without them. I did talk to my husband and he's fine and supportive as long as he thinks I'm getting better. Right now, I'm not better. I don't want this thing inside me anymore.

[pinkcomestrue]

Allow yourself to cry and hating that thing as much as you can, just don't do anything to harm yourself, keep taking your vitamins and leave the anti-depression(if you could) once your crying episodes have stopped, you moved on, like everyone else, then you will start choosing name, choosing clothes, preparing the birth, and then he will be born, you will be instantly in love, breastfeeding, months of sleepless nights, changing nappies all the time, but you will still be smiling at him, making sure he eats well, he's warm enough, make sure he takes his naps serval times a day, sounds hard work, but you enjoy it at the same time and that is the fact, no one could change it, everyone on this post is going through this and you will be the one of us too, and then you will come back here, check on other ladies and return your support(with a smile on your face)

[AmyJ]

That's the problem - I'm not interested in caring for him at all. It just seems like one big chore that I will end up resenting him for even more. I won't bother to breastfeed if I even have it. I hate breastfeeding and I would have endured it for a girl but not for a boy.

No more vitamins. I threw the all away yesterday. I hated taking them anyway. I'm pretty sure that dropping my antidepressants would be disastrous.

[Kittybear]

Is this your 1st baby hun?

GD in pregnancy is horrible... it robs us mums of a special time that many others get to enjoy.

Right now, your baby is totally abstract to you - and in a way, babies in the womb are for all mums. He is just a concept, and because he is not what you wanted/ hoped for, you are resentful... and that is ok. However, once you see him, hold him, feed him (be it breast or bottle), wash him, dress him... the love WILL come - it might come as a flood, or it might be a drip, drip, drip.. but one day in the future, you will realise that your your heart is full of love for him.

When he is born, he will be YOUR baby - made through love, and as he grows and changes, you will see glimpses of yourself, your husband, your mum... all of your family members, whilst very much being his own person too. What happens to be between his legs doesn't actually matter anymore, once he is here...

Right now, I'm hearing someone who is very scared (and I get that, I was scared too, both times); I think you need to talk to your dr to either change your meds or get some counselling or both. Right now, you need to look after yourself... and that includes your mental health. You need to give yourself time. The loss of a dream is a loss none the less, and give yourself some room to 'grieve'.

Have you looked at any neutral baby clothes? There are lots out there. If you are in the U.K., then the supermarkets (Tesco, Sainsbury's, Asda) are great for baby stuff that is lovely and not expensive. My boys wore predominately neutral creams/ grey/ green/ yellows for at least their first year as I got settled into buying blue stuff.

Xx

[AmyJ]

I hate all boy's stuff. Movies, clothes, toys, to etc.

I don't want to take care of myself or get better. It's not worth it for a boy.

[Kittybear]

I really think you need to speak to your dr about how you are feeling.

All babies, regardless of their gender, need exactly the same looking after at 1st.

X

[Throwaway_panther]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I hope you're talking to a therapist or counselor in addition to your meds. The level of antepartum depression you appear to be experiencing is very similar to what mine was, so I know firsthand you would benefit from professional help.

And knowing that, I know that -- especially with a first baby (I had horrible GD with my first) -- you can't understand the advice. Everything you think now or feel you know will happen will change the moment your baby's born. It is a hormonal and biological reality that you can't grasp until it happens. Even if it doesn't happen immediatly (and was I ever surprised when it did for me), it WILL happen. But you will love and bond with your child. And breastfeeding can help that, but it's not mandatory! Fed is best.

But, you won't hear this often on here, but if you have the option to get a safe, medical termination, it is ok -- it is ultimately your body, your health and well being. You have a choice (hopefully, depending on where you live).

But I'm hazarding a guess that you are on here because, deep down, you don't want to do that. Which is where professional help throughout the rest of your pregnancy can really help. And here! Look through my old posts, or others on these forums. We've been there. And trust me, I said and thought everything you did -- and worse. Try planning a sway for your next baby even! That helped me.

And you're not a bad mom for any of this. Even women who desperately want their babies, desired sex or not, still wrestle with feelings like this because pregnancy messes with our hormones and thus our mental mindset. It's normal to feel trapped or upset or wreckless. The key is to get help when it gets to be too much.

[AmyJ]

Thank you. What you said helped a lot. I think that yes, deep down, I do want to be "right", to want this baby like I should. If I didn't, I wouldn't bother reaching out. I just don't know how to make myself feel properly. I've tried counselling in the past for other issues, but I could never make it stick, if that makes sense? I could never take anything away from it that made any difference to how I felt. So what will be different this time? I don't want to ruin his life simply because I'm too inadequate to feel like I'm supposed to. Sometimes I think the best thing would be for me to have him and then leave. His dad is great and I think I could just make his life worse through my own inabilities.

[AmyJ]

Talked to my husband. Explained how I feel. Marriage now over.

[AmyJ]

Talked to my husband. Explained how I feel. Marriage now over.

[Kittybear]

Oh love... I hope this is just an adjustment period for you and your husband - mine never 'got' my GD (and that b*tch has been hanging around for 5 years)... he just wanted for me while my 'fog' cleared.

Sending gentle hugs xx

[AmyJ]

I'm not sure he'll adjust to realising his wife is a horrible person. I'm failing at the most basic part of motherhood. I don't deserve happiness.

[Throwaway_panther]

Talked to my husband. Explained how I feel. Marriage now over.

Every couples counselor in the world recommends not making life changing decisions in the heat of emotions -- anger, grief, etc. I hope you both can take some time to reevaluate before making any moves. Your DH saying those things to you probably comea from his own suffering -- seeing you suffer, fearing his inability to contril the situation, fear of losing an unborn child. Not an excuse for him, but I image he's in a hard place to to suggest anything I'm inferring here. You are NOT a bad mother, or a bad woman, or a bad person. Many husbands don't get ot, and many have a hard time verbalizing how GD makes them feel, especially if it's their wives' GD. Pregnancy is an impossible to describe period of time to men, and I don't think they (or even us) can navigate that turmoil alone. Couples counseling could really help.

If you haven't felt a benefit from counseling before, perhaps you didn't find the right therapist OR the right method. CBT isn't for everyone; some people benefit more form psychotherapy, EDM, biofeedback, or just CBT from a different practioner. I really hope you keep looking for help. I had horrible experiences with therapy as a child, and now don't think I'd still be alive if I hadn't found my current therapist who's been my rock. It's worth it to find one, because you DO deserve to be happy, but I don't think you're capable of seeing that right now by yourself. There isn't a proper way to feel in all of this -- it's ok to not want this baby, it's ok to not want to be pregnant. The issue is when you feel unable to make a healthy decision (not taking care of yourself, for one) or think you don't deserve happiness. Those are far more troublung to me than any sort of dark thoughts towards your baby. The dark thoughts towards him can change -- the "don't deserve happiness" and "inadequate" might stick around in other ways postpartum, so please, please try and talk to a professional.

I'd add, too, that pregnancy or wanting a baby are hardly the most basic parts of motherhood. People have been thrust into motherhood by force for milennia, or adopted, etc. Just trying your best is enough, and frankly? You're already doing that. You sought help, advice. You're challenging your dark thoughts. You're already worried about your unborn son's future.

It's hard to see it in the state you're in -- I know it well. But you're not horrible. You're going through something really hard right now. I'm just so sorry your husband isn't offering the support you need.

[lindz]

Believe when I say having a baby is the best. They are just so cute and it's fun watching them learn new things. I didn't want my second boy, but around 34 weeks started to get excited and now he's here and I'm really happy. It's so fricken hard seeing everyone with their daughters, but at the same time my two boys are amazing. I'm planning on going HT for a girl in a year or so, I focus on the fact that I will hopefully have a daughter one day, and enjoy the children I have in the meantime. A part of me didn't want to make all the sacrifices that come with breastfeeding for this second baby, but then I thought about how I'm most likely only having three children. Why shouldn't I try to be the best mom I can to every one of them? (Not that you need to breastfeed to be a good mom but choosing to give less to one child only because of gender feels wrong to me). There's no part of me that thinks I'll love my daughter more just because I want her more than I wanted boys. So many people wish they could have biological children, so many people wish they could breastfeed, why should I take it for granted just because my life hasn't gone at all the way I planned? Other than cute girl clothes, gender doesn't even matter for the first couple years. I'm happy to do whatever makes my older son happy, but it isn't stereotypical boy stuff yet at least. I will share all my hobbies with him, just like I would a girl as well. You don't have to be excited about this pregnancy. Just get through it. When he's here, I really think you'll feel differently. Being a mom is seriously the best thing that has happened to me, and seeing how much my son loves me is one of the best feelings in the world


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[EVERAFTER]

Many of us have dealt with gender disappointment severe… I was severely Depressed for months… I will tell you I love my son so much! I wouldn't trade him for anything! Do I still want to girl… Absolutely… My love for my baby defies gender. He isn't a boy to me or a girl to me he is my amazing child… I truly didn't get this until I had him. It will kick in for you. I promise!


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[Claire33]

I had GD with my first baby (and second and third). I wanted a girl (several girls) since I was a child. So I felt that my dream of a little girl was crushed and there I was stuck with a baby I didn't want. My 3rd pregnancy was the worst. But the funny thing is, when the baby comes, you love them anyway, more than life itself! Your feelings for your baby during pregnancy won't dictate how you feel when he's here. You will fall head over heels in love with him, even if you don't get it now.

Remember, the most important part of motherhood you will be getting, and you are so going to enjoy it! I breastfed my 3 boys, so don't decide on how you feed him until after he's born. You'll be surprised how natural it feels to breastfeed your baby. You will experience unconditional love, hugs and cuddles, watch a little person grow and develop, start talking, walking, developing interests. You can read to him, sing him to sleep, be his best friend, talk to him, give him advice, shower him with love. Little boys NEED their mothers!! YOU are the one who will help decide if he becomes a wonderful caring father himself one day, have good self esteem and feel like a worthwhile person. Imagine what wonderful things you can do for this little human being? Most of the motherhood things will be there for you!! So what if he is interested in cars and not Barbies? You will get to know all the names of all of Lightning McQueen's friends, dinosaurs and superheros. It will be fun because he thinks it's fun! So you won't be able to buy frilly dresses, but you'll put him in nice shirts and comb his hair instead, it's only superficial.

He is going to be your best friend, just wait and see! Remember, he needs his mommy, and you will be a great mother! Give yourself time now, don't beat yourself up over this, be kind to yourself. You will be ok and you will be surprised at how much love you can have for a little person. You will be ok and you will rock!!

[Throwaway_panther]

I'd add to Claire's post, too, that thereis no guarantee of him liking "boy" stuff. I personally have a huge issue witheven labeling toys or interests as gendered, especially in youth. I was into the "boy" things my whole life, and there are plenty of boys into "girl" things, especially if it's fostered by parents instead of being suppressed.

I wish there was a way for you to see my and other's old posts. I think GD is cruel at all times for us to deal with, but there's a particular torture with having it with your first where you don't yet know firsthand the biological love and bond we're all referring to. It's so hard to believe it will happen for you until you experience it, but you WILL experience it.

[oceancitymom]

Hello, I saw your post and just wanted to give you a virtual hug. Many of us here have felt devastated when we didn't hear the gender we wanted during pregnancy. I never wanted sons, but now that I have them, they are the loves of my life, and I would not change them for anything. I felt detached during my first pregnancy but not my second, since by then I already knew how wonderful and magical it is to have a son. My longing for a girl never went away, but I am able to enjoy my life as a mother to boys because I've realized children are little people, with their own hearts and minds and personalities and gender doesn't define who they are or my experience mothering them. Last night I had it rough trying to put the boys to bed - with them continuing to get up; it was driving me crazy. But you know what they were doing? They kept coming into my bed to kiss me! I couldn't be mad! Finally I thought I had them down when my six-year-old crept in (near 11 PM!) and skulked up onto my bed, burying his head in my neck and whispering, "Mommy. I just miss you too much."

I will be thinking about you. I sobbed when I found out my first was a boy. My husband was taken aback but ultimately he was compassionate. I took comfort in his excitement about having a son, even though it took me longer to share in it. I wish you peace and happiness and I think you will find it when you meet your special boy.

[ChezIBY]

It's been a couple of days, and there aren't any new posts on this thread :/

How are you doing AmyJ? How is it going? Do post an update...

[AmyJ]

Hi all

I wanted to come back and say a huge thank you to you all for your support last weekend. I am blown away by how kind and supportive you have all been.

To update, my husband and I talked and we are working everything out. He really is a good man, I just think neither of us were expecting my reaction last week and didn't handle it in the best way. But we talked and I'm working on getting therapy. I'm trying the things people suggested to help bond with the baby and the sickness is easing too which has made a huge difference. I'm not "there" yet but I can see that one day I can be and right now that's a good start.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your help and kindness last week.xxx

[ChezIBY]

You go girl :) Give yourself time :)
Of course you and your husband werre a bit overwhelmed, it's your first time after all too (if I have understood correctly?) Of course you can work through everything, he sounds great and so do you :)
You hang in there now and keep us posted from time to time!