How do you deal with GD?

[maximbella]

I never wanted to be writing this post, but I just can’t shake this new and terrible feeling of GD. Several days ago we found out that our baby is a boy after swaying so hard for another girl. I don’t even know how to eloquently share my feelings because I feel so selfish in feeling this way about a baby that I haven’t met yet, and especially after trying so hard for months to get pregnant. I’m internalizing this in a way that probably isn’t healthy and it’s shaken me to the core. When I found out that I was pregnant, I had convinced myself that it was a girl because I wanted one so badly. I had a great sway - Femara, husband on SSRI, LE diet, one attempt, exercise, etc. This was a much more intense version of what I was doing when I naturally conceived my DD’s. And somehow I’m having a boy. And I hate even typing that because I don’t want to downplay the blessing that he is. I just can’t really sort my feelings out because I feel like I “lost” my third baby girl and the bonds that she would have created with my daughters, the same way that I have with my three sisters. I’m worried that with such a large age gap, he won’t be close to my daughters the way that a sister would. I’m worried that I don’t know anything about boys. I’m worried about having a future daughter in law (I have a tough relationship with my MIL). I’ve been having a very hard time sleeping at night and can’t stop thinking about this. I know that it’s still new news and will take more time to process and get comfortable with, but I’m so worried that I’m losing some bonding during my pregnancy, and even more worried that the GD will manifest to something larger when he is born. Having a newborn is tough enough, and these feelings just complicate it for me.

I’ve really tried to avoid this topic on the boards and prayed that I’d never be here. But now that I am, I would love some insight from any of you that have gotten through this.

[Throwaway_panther]

I'm very sorry to hear you're dealing with GD, especially with the struggles you had over the last year.

For what it's worth, I do have some thoughts. I think trying to reframe how you're viewing the future can help tremendously (and doing that is about the only thing that's helped me survive 4 losses in a row).

Your son could be closer to your girls than another DD. They are not tremendously older than him, but old enough that he will be THEIR baby as well -- they are at the age where they will start to nurture and care for those younger than them, and a baby boy will probably be a very exciting, novel baby for them.

Another girl might have fit more of a competitive role for them (not necessarily everyone, but there's a Middle Sister brand of wine for a reason haha).

And I always think this, but... there is no guarantee your son will be straight, will get married, etc. And even if he is straight and does marry a woman, you have the chance to make right with your possible future DIL where your own MIL failed you, since tou have experienced this.

There's no use worrying about something that might not happen. Your boy will also very likely be interested in things your girls are, by rite of growing up with them. Instead of focusing on all the ways your son will be different, cherish the ways he might be the same as your daughters.

As for losing bonding during the pregnancy -- I have no advice. It sucks to have months of dread, but maybe by your third tri having that end goal will help, too. And the fears of not bonding after birth are very common, but they are much more common than the reality -- which is that you WILL love your son, even if it's so hard to picture now.

[ittybitty626]

I'm so sorry, Max. I can't imagine the shock that you are feeling after being so committed to your sway and already having girls. Sending you tons of hugs! I don't think you should rush yourself through these feelings right now. As painful as it is, I think it is important to let them all cycle through and take their course.
This is something that may not make a difference for you, but may be worth a try. I can totally see how it feels like you won't be able to share a bond with a boy after coming from a family of girls and having girls of your own. If you can, try to dig up some baby/childhood pictures of the men you love most in your life (husband, father, grandfather, etc.). I think that seeing those men as babies/little boys and knowing what a strong love/bond you have now could help you to imagine the bond you will have with your own little boy.
I wish there was something we could do to take away the pain right now, but please know that we are all here for you!

[Dreamlovehope]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry you feel this way. GD is horrible. I felt like this after I found out I was having DS3 last year. I feel so bad saying this now as I absolutely love him to bits. I wish I had never found out when I was pregnant, as the last few months were hard. You really want something, it's not going to happen. It's done and you just have to accept that, and that is hard. I think the universe likes to give us a different experience sometimes, I never imagined I'd have 3 boys! They are so sweet though, they give me lots of kisses and hugs and say they love me.

For me once he was born, it got better. As soon as I had him in my arms I loved him and it didn't matter that he was a boy. He fits into our family perfectly. I'm sure you will love him once you have him. Time does help.

I think your girls will love having a brother. I think it depends on the personality of your siblings not their gender as to how you get along. I have a sister and a brother, and its always been easier for me to get along with my brother. We have a similar personality and sense of humour, and i have many memories of laughter from my childhood with him, couldn't imagine it without him. I get along with my sister too, but we fought more growing up. We were always compared since we were both girls and i hated that, i never had that competition with my brother because he was a boy, and it made getting along easier. You just don't know how your family is going to work out.

As for the mother in law thing, i think you will have a different perspective of her now that you will have a boy. I do. Every time i feel negative about mine, i think....well she raised my DH and he is a wonderful husband so she did something right, and i'm forever grateful to her for that.

How does your DH feel? Most women want a girl and most men would like a son. Is he excited?

You are going to be fine, sometimes things don't work out like we want them too and that's just life. I can say this, not getting what you want for me anyway has been a very humbling experience. It's out of your control, let go and trust that the universe knows what's its doing.

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy

[trifecta]

I understand it's not what you pictured but I think after your son is born you'll wonder why you wanted it any other way. Be prepared to be thoroughly charmed--that's what usually happens.

You might not realize it now but you really would have missed out on something special by only having one sex. That's why so very many of us are on here hoping for the opposite of what we already have. It isn't what you had in mind but you'll grow in a way you've never experienced before. I wish I could experience that.

[maximbella]

Thank you all for all of your kind words and advice. It's taken me several days of trying to process things and rationalize that they will be fine before I was able to even log back in and check this. I'm really praying that with time, I'll see that this was always meant to be this way. Right now, I feel like I'm literally always on the verge of tears. I have an OB appointment today and am thinking of asking her for a recommendation of someone to talk to further about this. I'm just shocked at my feelings and inability to come to terms with this not being my DD, and I hate that so, so much!


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[kat1234]

Max!! I honestly can't even read through the comments bc I know they are going to say how this little boy will steal your heart. Just know I'm right there with, think about it way too often and just wish I didn't feel this way! Now that I've known for a while, it's getting better. I just catch myself pretending or thinking if this was/is a boy how much more excited I'd be. But, you and I both just wanted another baby and for that I'm grateful. I just think we both thought it would be our boy/girl how we envisioned it [emoji175] I find social media, mostly Instagram for me does not help my situation. I see others situations and get jealous or comments about girls and drama upset me (when I don't feel my girls are very dramatic) but I've been trying to remember "comparison is the thief of joy" and move on [emoji5]


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[maximbella]

Max!! I honestly can't even read through the comments bc I know they are going to say how this little boy will steal your heart. Just know I'm right there with, think about it way too often and just wish I didn't feel this way! Now that I've known for a while, it's getting better. I just catch myself pretending or thinking if this was/is a boy how much more excited I'd be. But, you and I both just wanted another baby and for that I'm grateful. I just think we both thought it would be our boy/girl how we envisioned it [emoji175] I find social media, mostly Instagram for me does not help my situation. I see others situations and get jealous or comments about girls and drama upset me (when I don't feel my girls are very dramatic) but I've been trying to remember "comparison is the thief of joy" and move on [emoji5]


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I love that quote so much, Kat...it's so incredibly true! Thank you for your sweet words, I know that you understand. XO

[maximbella]

Ladies, my GD is getting worse. I don't know how to process it, but it's very real. I feel like I'm totally disconnecting from my pregnancy and find myself wondering if I made a mistake by pushing my husband to keep trying month after month when it didn't happen. I wonder if that was a sign that it just wasn't meant to be. I just can't for whatever reason find excitement in having a son. I know many friends (and also my sisters) have sons and they have positive, healthy relationships with them. And logically I know I'll have the same, but emotionally I just don't feel it. I don't want to resent this baby, this pregnancy, and I'm terrified of getting post-partum depression.

For those of you that worked through it, can you please help me with some tips? I'm finding myself obsessing over this day and night and these hormones cannot be good for the baby....

[Throwaway_panther]

Ladies, my GD is getting worse. I don't know how to process it, but it's very real. I feel like I'm totally disconnecting from my pregnancy and find myself wondering if I made a mistake by pushing my husband to keep trying month after month when it didn't happen. I wonder if that was a sign that it just wasn't meant to be. I just can't for whatever reason find excitement in having a son. I know many friends (and also my sisters) have sons and they have positive, healthy relationships with them. And logically I know I'll have the same, but emotionally I just don't feel it. I don't want to resent this baby, this pregnancy, and I'm terrified of getting post-partum depression.

For those of you that worked through it, can you please help me with some tips? I'm finding myself obsessing over this day and night and these hormones cannot be good for the baby....

I can assure you: your thoughts and feelings are NOT affecting the baby. Take a look at my posts when I was pregnant with DD. She is super smart, happy, loving, etc. I had full blown antepartum depression from her, even.

Therapy helps. I really urge you to talk to a professional. I also can't remember how far along you are, but it got easier for me in my third trimester. Something about being "almost done" helped ease the GD a bit.

Now I'm a planner, so planning my boy sway helped me. But planning other stuff did too: the nursery, getting meals prepled and frozen, even labor, etc. All of that really helped me get through those awful months. Exercise helps too!! Especially when I could get outside.

I hope all of that can help. I remember how bad it can be. I'm almost at that point just because I'm starting to feel that despair all over again from my most recent loss. So I'm trying to keep myself afloat again, too.

[maximbella]

Thanks, TP! I have been on bed rest due to a hematoma, so I do agree while exercise would be SO helpful for me, I haven't been able to do much. It certainly does not help me since I'm typically so active and probably leading to a good portion of my sadness. I'm really praying that over time and when baby arrives, these feelings will go away...I'm just so concerned for the "what if" it doesn't go away, you know? How can I see your posts regarding DD? I have been so concerned that my hormones and anxiety will somehow affect the baby. It all just kills me!

Thinking of you....and fingers crossed so hard for your blue bundle!

[Throwaway_panther]

Thanks, TP! I have been on bed rest due to a hematoma, so I do agree while exercise would be SO helpful for me, I haven't been able to do much. It certainly does not help me since I'm typically so active and probably leading to a good portion of my sadness. I'm really praying that over time and when baby arrives, these feelings will go away...I'm just so concerned for the "what if" it doesn't go away, you know? How can I see your posts regarding DD? I have been so concerned that my hormones and anxiety will somehow affect the baby. It all just kills me!

Thinking of you....and fingers crossed so hard for your blue bundle!

Aw, thank you! And I think if you just looked at my early post history, or even in this subforum, I was PRETTY verbose in my GD. Totally does not affect your baby. Remember, babies are born unwanted from a variety of reasons -- it's not the gestational stress that messes a kid up. It's how you raise them. And you WILL love your son, so don't worrt about that.

The bed rest part sucks! Is even yoga out of the picture? Studies have shown bed rest actually doesn't do much, and can cause antepartum depression, so I wonder how much of this is GD and how much of it is the latter. Please talk to a therapist or counselor if you can! :(

[trifecta]

Max!! I honestly can't even read through the comments bc I know they are going to say how this little boy will steal your heart. [emoji5]

Ok, but try not to be critical of other people's well-meaning posts. Everyone here suffers from GD.

[maximbella]

I'm with you TP, I'm honestly starting to wonder if most of this is caused by bedrest, especially as I'm a naturally very active person. I made an appointment with a counselor to discuss.

[ChezIBY]

Max, I am so sorry to read about your struggles with GD, which is one hell of a b****!! :(

Can I just echo in part what panther said (cause it was panther who made me fell a hundred percent better when I was pregnant and had my own GD) - and that is to focus on yourself!! During this time. Try not to worry about the baby and oh my gosh, how will it affect him that I am feelng this way while carrying him? I know for me that was so horrid with GD - the guilt of feeling that way while carrying her and being terrified it would mean we wouldn't bond :( Panther said it wouldn't and I just bilndly believed that and threw my energy into pampering myself, trying to stay healthy, being outdoors, meeting friends, eating well, preparing for the birth (hypnobirthing, yoga, lamaze, the lot). My birth went really well, I was so relieved and exhilirated and really believe that that's what helped me bounce back almost at once and bond with DD super easily once she was out!

So if I may, I think you are headed the right way with wanting to get outside when possible and speaking to a therapist. Just whenever you start to feel down, maybe try to actively do something good for yourself. Baby is a part of you so far anyway, so what's good for you is good for baby! Hope you feel better <3

[ChezIBY]

Max, I actually logged off and popped back on now with another thought I wanted to share, since your original question was 'how do you deal with GD?'

I find that looking at the big picture helps. Let me explain: when we feel down with GD, we're naturally irked by all those people announcing their pregnancies with their dream genders and by social media (and if I've said it once I've said it a dozen times, get OFF FB when you're feeling down people!! Everyone only shows what they want you to see there, you'll always feel worse if you are already down.) But you know, having the baby is only the start. I know a lot of people, and a lot of people a deal older than me thanks to work. I know a bunch of people with PP or who got a same gender pair/trio and it's what they wanted. But I know extremely few families with grown children where everyone is happy. Seriously, I have no idea why, but I know so many people whose kids don't speak to them anymore/don't speak to each other/family fell apart :/ I have a good friend who is old enough to be my Mom, and she had a PP (and is very proud of this openly) and each of HER kids has had a PP (come on!) And neither of her kids really speak to her or to each other. The end result is that she's greatly invested in me and my DD and even asks if she can be 'an adoptive grandma' to DD, which I find rather sad as she has four grandkids of her own! My point is, I do have a picture of the ideal family I want and gender desire is part of that picture, in full honesty yes. But the more ultimate goal is a united family, my kids close to each other even when they grow up and close to me and my DH, and healthy (please!). I'm sort of an idealist , but yes, I would love PP or a family containing both boys and girls - but I would love one united even more, if I have a PP and twenty years from now I never even see them I won't feel like 'it was worth it and I got my dream'. Helps me keep things in perspective, but dunno if that is useful to you.. take care :)

[maximbella]

Chez, thank you so much! And you actually nailed it on the head, I'm looking for a happy, united family...and for some reason in my mind, that would be with three daughters, not mixed daughter/son. I think that not knowing the son/brother dynamic (I only grew up with sisters and now have two daughters) sort of scares me. The relationships that I see with my guy friends and their parents is that they've parted ways with their parents, or if they're married, their parents take a back seat to the wives parents. And that's okay and perfectly healthy and normal. What I worry about most is that my kids all have a very close relationship with each other, since eventually they will be left here without their parents. The main reason for wanting to add another is that I pictured another daughter being close with her older sisters. For some reason, with the age gap of 6 and 8 years, I worry that a son won't have any immediate similar interests as my daughters and won't form the same types of bonds that a sister would. It's just crushing to me, and although logically I know that personality (not gender) are more important, I'm still having a hard time coping with the idea of a son. It's hitting me so much harder than I could have imagined, and that just hurts!

[lovepink13]

I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I can't count how many times I cried when I found out I was having a boy. My husband was even more upset and I felt like he thought it was my fault we ended up with a boy. I told myself the last 20 weeks of my pregnancy that they were wrong and it had to be a girl. He wouldn't even hold him for longer than a minute at the beginning. Honestly, it did take me awhile to get over it. I had PPD and GD for 2-3 months after his birth.

My son is 2 next month and my husband and I were just talking about how amazing he is and how he really is the best thing that happened to us. We are both so happy he is who he is and are so happy he isn't a girl. Everyone that meets him says he is the sweetest happiest kid. He truly is the light of our lives.. I don't have an ounce of GD anymore and don't regret even a little that I didn't sway for a girl (I didn't know it was a thing).

Obviously, I do want to try for a girl next otherwise I wouldn't be on this page but I know that if I am sad if I get pregnant with a boy that he will still be the second best thing that has ever happened to me.

Even if the rest of your pregnancy is hard just know that it will get better and that this little man picked you for a reason.

[graysmama]

I was super worried about the age gap. My son is 7 and my daughter is 1. He adores her and they play all the time now that she's a toddler and interested in playing. I always wanted one of each with a big brother and little sister but I had hope for a much smaller age gap but PCOS related secondary infertility and our financial situation got in the way. I was scared they wouldn't bond at all yet they have. They will cram in a chair together to watch cartoons. She follows him around. I have this American Girl doll table that I think was part of a furniture set for the Kirsten doll. My daughter will sit on it upside down while he pushes her. My son loves to read to her and he will sit and play with her little people doll house with her. It's a different bond I suppose then close together siblings would have but I love seeing them develop a relationship.

Sons don't necessarily abandon their families when they grow up. My dad was super close to his mom until she passed away and he's still close to his dad. My mom also loved his mom and she is close to one of my dad's sisters. We spend a lot of time with my husband's mom and she's just as an important part of our lives as my parents are. I have 3 younger brothers. They are all still close with my parents just as my sister and I are. One of my brothers is married and has twin boys and my mom adores them. She also has a good relationship with my sister in law.

[lindz]

I know it’s hard to not get the family you want. You’re actually getting the dream family I wanted, two sisters close in age to be best friends and the last one a little boy to spoil and be the baby of the family. You’re lucky in that most of us here are dreaming of what a son or what a daughter will be like, and you get to experience both. Others are here dreaming of giving their daughter a sister, but you are lucky enough to have that as well. Your baby boy will find a place in the family. His special personality will shine through and you won’t regret having him once he’s here. You don’t need to know anything about boys. You don’t need to assume he will leave you when he’s older. My husband loves spending time with his parents, and I definitely make an effort to make sure we visit often so don’t assume a DIL won’t love you too. It’s ok to not be excited during your pregnancy. I wasn’t with my second boy, but I loved him the second I met him. My older son isn’t the stereotypical hyperactive toddler and my baby is the sweetest happiest little boy. This article might make you feel better. The author had two girls then a boy, and has a special relationship with him now. The Boy I Never Wanted – Scary Mommy (http://www.scarymommy.com/the-boy-i-never-wanted/)



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[maximbella]

My son is 2 next month and my husband and I were just talking about how amazing he is and how he really is the best thing that happened to us. We are both so happy he is who he is and are so happy he isn't a girl. Everyone that meets him says he is the sweetest happiest kid. He truly is the light of our lives.. I don't have an ounce of GD anymore and don't regret even a little that I didn't sway for a girl (I didn't know it was a thing).

LOVE, love, love hearing stories like this! I know that in time I'll look back and wouldn't be able to picture it any other way, but for now it's hard. It makes me so happy to hear from people that felt the same way in the beginning. Thank you so much for sharing your experience!! Best of luck to you in your sway, and lots of pink dust! :)

[maximbella]

I was super worried about the age gap. My son is 7 and my daughter is 1. He adores her and they play all the time now that she's a toddler and interested in playing. I always wanted one of each with a big brother and little sister but I had hope for a much smaller age gap but PCOS related secondary infertility and our financial situation got in the way. I was scared they wouldn't bond at all yet they have. They will cram in a chair together to watch cartoons. She follows him around. I have this American Girl doll table that I think was part of a furniture set for the Kirsten doll. My daughter will sit on it upside down while he pushes her. My son loves to read to her and he will sit and play with her little people doll house with her. It's a different bond I suppose then close together siblings would have but I love seeing them develop a relationship.

Sons don't necessarily abandon their families when they grow up. My dad was super close to his mom until she passed away and he's still close to his dad. My mom also loved his mom and she is close to one of my dad's sisters. We spend a lot of time with my husband's mom and she's just as an important part of our lives as my parents are. I have 3 younger brothers. They are all still close with my parents just as my sister and I are. One of my brothers is married and has twin boys and my mom adores them. She also has a good relationship with my sister in law.

Every bit of this....THANK YOU!!! I think not growing up with brothers and then seeing my husbands relationship (or lack thereof) with his family has scared me. But hearing stories such as yours (opposite gender siblings with larger age gaps and strong son ties to parents) gives me so much hope that despite me not experiencing it, it is very much possible! Do you think that your experience with your dad/his mom and your brothers, it had to do with their personalities or how they were raised? I think I'll be extra sensitive to making sure that my girls always have a strong bond with their baby brother, and that he'll always feel tied to me and my husband even after he goes off on his own. Thats basically the part that scares me the most, if that makes sense.

[maximbella]

I know it’s hard to not get the family you want. You’re actually getting the dream family I wanted, two sisters close in age to be best friends and the last one a little boy to spoil and be the baby of the family. You’re lucky in that most of us here are dreaming of what a son or what a daughter will be like, and you get to experience both. Others are here dreaming of giving their daughter a sister, but you are lucky enough to have that as well. Your baby boy will find a place in the family. His special personality will shine through and you won’t regret having him once he’s here. You don’t need to know anything about boys. You don’t need to assume he will leave you when he’s older. My husband loves spending time with his parents, and I definitely make an effort to make sure we visit often so don’t assume a DIL won’t love you too. It’s ok to not be excited during your pregnancy. I wasn’t with my second boy, but I loved him the second I met him. My older son isn’t the stereotypical hyperactive toddler and my baby is the sweetest happiest little boy. This article might make you feel better. The author had two girls then a boy, and has a special relationship with him now. The Boy I Never Wanted – Scary Mommy (http://www.scarymommy.com/the-boy-i-never-wanted/)



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Wow, Lindz....a few things. :heart: First of all, thank you for sharing that article. I literally started crying right when I saw the article title (geez I'm a hot mess lol). That was incredible to read and I also spent some time reading peoples comments that experienced that same bond, wow! Thank you for sharing that with me - it's always so comforting to hear from people that are in the same shoes. Although I was disappointed in hearing "boy", I'm more disappointed in myself for how I feel, especially after we tried so hard to get pregnant. I appreciate hearing from other moms that felt the same way, especially with being scared of the unknown.

Second, I just wanted to say that I feel awful posting about my disappointment and hard times accepting the situation when I know that many can't get pregnant, would be thrilled to be pregnant with a boy, had boy sways that failed, and others that would dream of a 2 girl/1 boy scenario. I *KNOW* that I'm beyond blessed to have my two girls and now to have this healthy little guy that will join our family. It's just different than what I had envisioned, it's not what I spent months and months swaying for, agonizing over details that probably didn't matter. I think I'm more mourning the 3 daughter vision that I had more so than the son that I will have. Does that make sense? I just wanted to say that because I can appreciate GD for those that don't have one of their desired genders.