I'm a crazypants!

[Tiggerian]

Oh and btw Lace.. thank you for making this thread. Never been able to really talk about my own experiences without feeling judged and afraid!

[LacePrincess]

Gosh Tigger.... so heartbreaking. I've never hallucinated (yet), thank goodness. Yours would be from PTSD though, right? That's got to be different then hallucinating without a traumatic incident link somewhere.

I'm grateful that I haven't had anything happen like that so far but I'm always on the watch as I do have an uncle with schizo, so it's scary stuff. I worry about the paranoia escalating though. I do wonder about my mom sometimes, as she swears she 'sees signs from Angels' (yeeeeah ok mom) but who knows if that's more of her wishful thinking from her annoying evanglistic streak. Seriously, it's annoying. I like talking to her but I really hate how she's utterly predictable - in every conversation she just MUST get in a dig about finding peace in prayer. GAH!!!


Hope your dream is prophetic in a good way!

[Tiggerian]

Well you can hope it is prophetic! Will just have to wait and see what the new year brings you.

I have a friend who is simillar to your mum. She's muslim and the loveliest woman ever - but whenever you speak to her she tells you to pray for answers, peace, saviour etc. And as much as I would like to believe prayer could help, I just don't. It's something inside me thats 'messed up' and prayer isn't going to undo the damage. I think its great if religion and angels can help people through their problems... But my problem isn't not having peace. I feel peaceful, I'm happy and contented with my life. In fact, I love my life! Except a few financial worries I have a bloody brilliant life! I know I'm blessed and i count my lucky stars on a daily basis - but something inside me is complete turmoil. Something inside me is so repressed that occasionally it just all burst out and takes over for a period of time and in that time, even though its short intervals now, its all-consuming and there is no peace in it. It's just raw, pure emotions that I can't deal with or control!

Yeah its from PTSD. The hallucination thing was the last symptom that occured before I received proper help for it. At first I was convinced I was haunted, then I was convinced I was schizo, so when the GP said PTSD I was actually relieved, until I found out it was a "life sentence".

Luckily, I've learned to 'live' and manage most of my symptoms. Hallucinations don't occur anymore - more outbursts of emotions (fear, rage, despair). It's very mild, but I think it helps that I distanced myself from a lot of trigger factors.

[LacePrincess]

Tigger, exactly that! I hate being preached to because I AM content and grateful and happy in my life. It's like when you're ill and symptomatic it's invasion of the bodysnatchers, the alien eats your brain.

That is entirely why in the recent episodes I get suicidal intrusive thoughts yet I DO NOT want to die. The manifestation this month is far more intense than it was when I was 22.....when I was not content/happy/have faith in God. If I felt these intense horrible emotions/thoughts a decade ago I probably would've actually tried to act on them.

So I feel them, (the bad thoughts and emotions), and yet I don't really *feel* them. I don't identify with them which is a good thing. Doesn't make it any less painful to feel though.

And that is a dichotomy that someone who has never had a real MI just does not get. They have no idea what we're talking about, that separation of self and emotions/thoughts, because they've never experienced feeling emotions that weren't really theirs. And that is the difference.

I know my mom means well but she has no idea. And I wish she'd just SHUT UP because I don't need to hear it EVERY conversation, yk? Besides, she's quite the hypocrite considering she suffers from OCD hoarding and doesn't see it to be a problem at all. Yeesh.

[Tiggerian]

Sometimes its easier to see and face other peoples demons than admit your got them yourself. Its easier to try to save other people than attempt saving yourself! I know I certainly do that - I'm all about great advice, but when it comes to myself I'm as lost as Alice in Wonderland.

I get what you mean - especially the intrusive thoughts. I had those and yet, I did not want to die. I didn't want to leave the world I have. I didn't want to leave my son! And yet, this urge kept gripping hold off me, telling me it would be easier just to let go. It isn't easy. Especially because sometimes you get caught in the whirlwind and can't get out of it.

I often felt like there were the two "Me's". The one who was in agony and the one who could reason. But most of the time it felt like I was standing beside myself screaming "Get up! Pull yourself together - you are stronger than this", but the 'Me' in agony couldn't listen and couldn't act. I know that might sound a bit crazy... but I always knew what I 'needed' to do, I just couldn't physically do it. It feels like... well... to be a bit cliche, it feels like being chained to the ground!

But, I do believe that there IS a way out. Maybe not a cure, but a way to live with the symptoms and not let the symptoms live you. But I know it can be hard to find the way that works for you - especially with symptoms like yours, because I won't for one second pretend that I have suffered as much as you. I do fully understand you though and for whatever its worth - you are not alone!

[LacePrincess]

Aww Tigger, it's not a contest. And conversely I feel the same about everything you've gone through, I can't imagine and I really admire your strength.

Yes, I talk to myself too, but the demons are louder, yk? Especially the OCD stuff. Obviously I know that it's NOT FREAKING SANE to lock and relock the same door for half an hour (yeeeaaaaah) but it's like I'm rooted and stuck to the ground. Even as my sane mind goes 'walk away, walk away, this is ridiculous' the OCD whispers 'it's not RIGHT yet, and what's the harm of checking just one more time?'

The worst though is ruminating obsessions for me. I HATE them. My mind will pick at a triggering incident in my past that no one else would think twice about and go 'what if?' .... 'What if there was contaminated stuff there, what if you touched it without knowing, what if you then caught that disease' etc etc etc. And the worst part is the stuff is in the past so you can't even go back and check. So then it's this horrible feeling of doom that I'm powerless to change because it's in the past, and of course it's ALWAYS worst case scenario. Argh. I've smacked myself in the head to try to get these ruminations to stop but hasn't worked yet.

I'm still trying to find a good source of CBT where I live, but it's hard logistically. I've read every book there is to read and it's all well and good to know the techniques, but playing your own therapist doesn't really work because when you're so deluded you can override common sense too easily. So it's not that I don't know what to do, but when the MI is taking over you can't see around it and it just doesn't work to be your own therapist or kick yourself in the butt when you need it, lol. It's definitely on my radar though, I need to get a therapist for the OCD side of things for sure.

[Yuzu]

Lexapro is my friend.

[Tiggerian]

I get it - completely. I mean, I haven't had OCD, but i can relate to knowing what you're doing or thinking isn't sane!

I did a major psychology assignment on MI last year and did a thorough assessment of CBT for OCD and as far as I remember it proved quite effective, as long as you stay away from flooding. Can't quite remember the statistics for it though... Isn't there any near you?

[Momofboys]

I wish I could drink wine, It gives me a headache no matter how much, or little I drink of it. I have found ways to soothe myself somedays it works and others forget it! Im thankful I've never had hallucination's I think if that were added to my list of symptoms Id be literally in a padded room. Sometimes I think that's where I belong, id feel safer being in a ward then out here in the real world. But Id miss my babies to much. I agree Tigger, theres no cure I SO wish there was! I just want to find something to balance me back out. Im sick of up and down! Like today my 2nd graders have a xmas play at school and idk how Im gonna leave the house to go I will force myself cuz I already missed their chorus/band concert last week. The thing is ik that fresh air is great but I cant get myself to leave the house for anything. If I do I panic! I cant even go xmas shopping or to any store for that matter like a normal person and enjoy it. Geez Im a woman Im supposed to LOVE shopping. My ex is a HUGE downer and he knows it and uses it against me. Sometimes I wish he'd move 10,000 miles away! I cant take his negativity and one of these days I'll have to give you the BG on him cuz he is the most manipulative,abusive mind controlling jerk I have ever known. After I left him It was such a HUGE relief and I felt so good for so long. We've been separated over 4 years now and he still cant let go and wont leave me alone. He'll get mad at me for not getting a loaf of bread for the boys when their there and then text my current SO and try to start stuff with him... My SO gets irritated and has told me in the past that he's not gonna keep dealing with his bs. I swear if ex comes between me and SO idk what ill do, but im sure ill lose it..

[LacePrincess]

Yuzu, I wish I dared take Lexapro! Ride now I'm in a holding pattern though. My doc is befuddled why I'm having such an odd reaction to the Zoloft that I've taken off and on for many years, and at a very low dose too. I've also had a crazy reaction to Effexor so with the possibility of bipolar in there somewhere a lot of the proven meds for OCD/anxiety now isn't an option because it could trigger a scary manic episode. I just really hope it won't take much longer to get preggo because I just don't want to be 'holding on' forever.

Tigger, OCD suuuuuucks. Rumination OCD is the worst because you feel so powerless, yk? I know CBT is the best but the only OCD specific groups I've been able to find so far is 45 minutes drive each way. I wouldn't even mind paying for a therapist but I'd have to find the right one, there are so many quacks and snake oil salesmen out there. (Life coach anyone?) What's flooding, btw?

Really I just want to know why I can't get rid of this hyper vigilance. Why can't I just be content and not feel like something horrible is just around the corner? I have a great life and have never done anything to deserve bad karma, so I don't get why I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop all the time. Yeesh, where the heck did this existential pessimism come from?!?


Momofboys, I'm sorry your ex is being such a pain. I get you, when we're struggling to just function sort-of normally we just don't need any extra stress. Even a little bit is enough to make us explode! I feel you, I'm starting to become housebound too and I know it's not healthy at all. Life's too short to have poisonous people in our lives, yet it's such a PITA when they won't leave us alone. Hopefully your SO can takeover and tell your ex to get lost if he becomes a nuisance.

Ugh, sorry ladies, I just can't think this morning, still sick and very foggy. I did lose 2lbs overnight though, lol but puking one's guts up isn't a great way to do it!