I'm a crazypants!

[Tiggerian]

Well... that's my good LE diet out the window.. urgh...

I'm such a comfort eater! I'm feeling really upset today as OHs dad and stepmum just used xmas as another way owing in a dig at me..!

- Not invited to the Xmas dinner. Then extended the invitation last minute because they knew it'd be too late for me to find a nanny for the boys
- Didn't include me in the xmas card
- Their xmas present to me was OHs stepsisters old, used make up bag. Gee... thx!

I know you should just be grateful for a gift - but I'm tired of them treating me like dirt... I don't want to invovle OH - it upsets him so much! Like when we got engaged they made a huge fuss, called me every name under the sun, tried to get OH to split and dump contact with DS1 (seriously) and OH cut contact with them until they learnt to accept his family.

They apologised and said they would! Ds2 is born and looks more like OHs brother than OH and immediately they are in there saying I'm a good for nothing W**** who's been sleeping with his brother! Which is a HORRIBLE accusation and thank GOD OH didn't believe it for a second! OH got very angry, had a very BIG talk with his dad who promised it would be better...

Well.. I guess being ignored is better than trashed.. still makes me upset though... never done anything other than love OH and have his kids. Didn't know that was a crime!

So here I am... ordered chinese and now scoffing ferrero rocher... Boo! >_< Hope its OK to have one major oTT cheat day xD

[LacePrincess]

Ewww, no a used item is NOT a gift! No one can fault you for being insulted. That's awful. I still remember as a kid seeing my mom cry (and she doesn't EVER cry) when her toxic parents gave her a used vacuum cleaner as an Xmas gift.

It's worst than no gift at all, really. At least if you don't get a gift you can pretend that they forgot you. When they give you shitty used crap as a 'gift' it really drives home the insult. Family sucks sometimes.

Sorry about the diet thing, but one day won't hurt anything. I OTOH have aced the diet lately, mostly because I'm too depressed and anxiety ridden to have an appetite at all. 4 days to Christmas and I can't find any cheer to save my life. I hate being such a terrible downer right now!!

[Tiggerian]

Oh honey... I'm really sorry you're suffering so much lately! it really isn't fair... =(

I wish I could be more helpful, but atm I'm just fuming...! OH was suppose to be home sort of 11ish as I've got plans tomorrow morning, which he KNOWS! But alas its 00.32 and he still hasn't turned up. According to MiL she saw him at her house at 22.30 and said he was getting in a taxi... <_<

I'm also feeling nerve wrecked as last time he went out with his dad was the Christmas DS2 was out and his dad actually invited a girl as a BLIND DATE for my OH (oh yes, he did!). Now OH didn't do anything, nor would he. But it makes me feel like crap waiting here for him coming home knowing my FiL will do anything to split us up! (MiL and FiL are divorced)

[LacePrincess]

Tigger, thanks. I feel like such an emo teenager lately! I'm doing better this evening. I think my brain found 'normal' around 8pm tonight, when I actually see things in perspective like any other normal person! Yay! Too bad it'll reset again in the morning. Boo.

I feel your frustration. Nothing peeves me off more than people being late. Grrrrrr. My hubby knows now never ever to ignore my calls EVER if he's so much as a minute running behind, it's a great way to sleep on the couch for a week.

Well I gave into a craving and having some smoked salmon on a bagel tonight. Screw it, I've last 2 lbs from puking the last few days so I figure the extra protein won't hurt, lol. My chart is such a mess this week being sick right around O time too. We did manage to BD between puking sessions, is that commitment or what?

[Tiggerian]

Oh dear me, I think Atomic would classify that as being obsessive lol! I do hope you get your bFP this month and tbh with what you're going throuhg I think you deserve a bit of smoked salmon

[LacePrincess]

Thanks, Tigger!

Well I got about an hour of 'normal' brain last evening. Unfortunately free-floating anxiety set in again around 9pm. Boo. I feel less unstable then last week but back to my previous levels of anxiety and depression, which isn't great but at least I'm not feeling as raw. I don't consider this a great maintenance level obviously but it's manageable until I get into see my pdoc next month.

I've found some therapy resources that sound like they're a good fit for my needs. It'll be pricey of course but if it's the right help it's worth it. I'll be calling on Monday to start getting more information. My insurance only pays for $1000/year with 20% copay, which isn't much when it comes to therapy....I imagine I might only get 5-6 sessions out of that limit. But if I stagger a therapy session with my pdoc appts I figure that'll work since I'll be seeing someone for mental health every two weeks and that should get me about 5-6 months worth of therapy then.

Also if we don't get our bfp this month next month I'm going to start adding in white meat proteins and fish. I think all this simple sugar eating has definitely not helped my mood stability for sure! It's not the only thing to blame though as I can look back and realize that it's been a slow steady slide into low grade depression over the last year or so. Stupid hormones.

[Tiggerian]

But Lace - if you live in Canada can't you get therapy on your national health service?

[LacePrincess]

But Lace - if you live in Canada can't you get therapy on your national health service?

Yes and no. OHIP in Ontario (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) is my provincial plan, and it covers anyone that's an MD. So I don't have to pay for my psychiatrist for example. But psych's only really do the med part, they don't have time or experience to do talk therapy. Most talk therapy and CBT is covered by psychologists and counsellors, and unfortunately those aren't covered by OHIP.

There are a special type I just recently learned of called psychotherapists who *are* MD's who do CBT and thus would be covered by OHIP, but I haven't found any in my city yet. So for now I'm just going to go with what I can find since something is better than nothing. Hopefully 6 months will be enough for me to either learn techniques to do it on my own or to find a psychotherapist.

But as I told hubby it doesn't matter how much it costs, if we can find the money it's worth it for a stable and sane mind!

[LacePrincess]

Holding steady still. Worrying, but what else is new? LOL I'm not fluctuating all over the place like last week so at least I can work on applying the CBT mindfulness stuff I do know (which isn't that much!) Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, but hey that's not bad compared to the past month.

Wanted to link this debate thread on attitudes about MI: http://www.ravelry.com/discuss/big-i...e/2398679/1-25

Be warned, though, it IS a debate thread so there will be comments of all stripes and some are not sensitive or informed. So it might be triggery. The first post has a link to a blog that's absolutely heartbreaking about a mom trying to deal with her 13 yo son who has some very serious (and violent) issues.

There are no easy answers but I'm glad to see at least we're seeing a movement of awareness. It's a start.

[LacePrincess]

Just a quick update.....so no one worries that I've gone off the rails!

I'm doing great atm. Had a lovely quiet Christmas with the family, and turns out the Xbox with Kinect was the PERFECT gift for us. And me. Yes I've been obsessed with it (gee whiz there's a shocker, lol), and have spent WAAAY too much on games so far but it's been wonderful. And, cheaper than therapy still!

I'm a Dance Central fiend right now, lol, and it's been awesome. I don't play 'traditional' vid games but this system is a dream for anyone who likes fun of the family/cheesy variety and wants to stay active. Plus all the exercise and dancing has kept me off the couch and the exercise has been great for my state of mind. And it's been a riot playing with all the kids, doing interactive Sesame Street with DS3 (AWESOME stuff) and watching the older two dance Gangnam Style. So. Funny.

I've also dumped a big part of the low protein part of the LE diet, and I was right, it has really helped my state of mind. I know that it compromises the pink sway but I couldn't be in that horrid dark place I was last month. I will gladly take another baby boy anyday over crazy crap. Alas, my last cycle was a bust, but moving on.......and also added B6 this month and have totally weaned and hope my LP will get better.