UCSB shooting--shifting perspective from student to parent

[Christi]

I know this is totally off topic, but since this site has a wealth of moms out there, I thought this would be a good place to post my thoughts....

As many of you probably know, there was a mass shooting at UC Santa Barbara this past weekend. My heart goes out to all the people who lost love ones in this tragedy. I was a student at UCSB 13 years ago when a student (also a son of a movie producer) went on a similar type rampage by speeding 60 miles an hour down a busy Isla Vista street packed with students on a Friday night, killing 5 people. His anger and intent was also motivated by women not having sex with him.

I remember how sad I felt for the students who died 13 years ago when I was a UCSB student. I remember being thankful that no one I knew had died that night and how thankful I was that I had been home that awful night 13 years ago. But my feelings were much more self-centered--it was about how I was safe and sound.

But now, as a parent, I have a completely different perspective. Obviously, I still feel for the families of the students who died, but I feel so much more helpless when these horrible things happen because I think about the agony of what it would be like to lose a child. Its like I could care less if I died, but if my child died? No way. Its like the realization of the mortality of your child just set in for me, and that makes me feel completely helpless. And there was really nothing any of the parents of the children who died could have done to change it. Even the parents of the shooter were literally driving up to UCSB to try to intervene when they sensed something was wrong and their child was going to snap.

I'm sure that many of you have already experienced this change in perspective, but it really set in for me this weekend because I had an opportunity, sadly, to compare and contrast with pre-baby and post-baby experience.

[atomic sagebrush]

My adult sons had gone to the midnight showing of the Batman movie and when I heard about the shooting in Colorado the next day it really really messed with my head. So so scary and it's just utterly out of our control.

[Christi]

I can totally see that. When did life get so darn fragile?! The Elizabeth Stone quote comes to mind: “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” I know this statement becomes more true for me each and every day.

[atomic sagebrush]

as they get older you really have to make the conscious choice to let go. It is SO hard. It's about them and their lives and not about me and my fears, but still AAA. My two oldest are living on their own now and I hate it!

[The Anchor]

I can totally see that. When did life get so darn fragile?! The Elizabeth Stone quote comes to mind: “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” I know this statement becomes more true for me each and every day.

LOVE this quote.

[sugarNspice]

Life has always been fragile--if you think about it, the death rate for young people has gone DOWN considerably in the last generation. Medical advances have made more diseases curable or survivable, public health innovations like seatbelts and safety regulations have decreased the accidental death rate, people smoke less than they used to, and environmental toxins are often better managed.
Maybe because of this, we are so much more invested in the survival of our children than our grandparents. When my parents were born, it was relatively common for children to die in infancy or early childhood, and so people had big families. Nowadays, we expect our children to outlive us, and the thought of anything else is unbearable.
But human life *is* vulnerable and short, and part of parenting is giving over primary responsibility for your children's safety to them, more and more, as they get older. It's terrifying, and hard to think about, but unavoidable.

[Christi]

I agree with everyone's comments. You have to let go. I remind myself that by NOT being a helicopter parent, I am allowing my child to learn the natural consequences of his actions, learn judgment (hopefully good judgment, but not always!), and to make better choices based on his own life experience. My little guy is only 15 months right now, so the amount of independence he has is still quite limited, but I figure it is a good parenting mind set to get in the habit of now as he really starts branching out on his own.