Found 'adult' materials on sons' tablet. What to do next?

[LacePrincess]

I was installing a game for my youngest son on one of the kids' tablets, and when digging through our account's app history I found a whole pile of 'adult' type games. Nothing really porn, just cartoon-ish stuff really, but stuff like "look behind her bra" and "sexual positions". Oh boy! LOL

First I want to emphasize that we are ALL about age appropriate healthy sex ed. We aren't in denial of our kids growing into their puberty years, and all that entails! Especially in this day and age! We've had 'the talk' with the boys already, we've bought them a really great book for kids to learn about their own sexuality, and they've both read it. We're also big fans of the new Ontario sex ed curriculum that's currently being rolled out that includes lots more information on topics like LGBT and online porn and its dangers, and a more realistic curriculum around healthy sexuality that's not just abstinence. We believe in up to date education and not hiding our heads in the sand.

So... how to handle this discovery? I'm not sure if I should just not mention the games at all and maybe just start up discussions again about adolescence, sex-ed and all that stuff. Or should I talk to them about these games and their appropriateness? I don't see them looking at this stuff as doing anything wrong in particular, it's natural to be curious. However, I do find much of online offerings rather misogynistic, and videogame material in particular is often revoltingly sexist. So if they are to explore I'd rather they NOT take videogame examples as 'what to do'. It seems that we do need to talk to them about how videogames and porn are not a good way to learn about healthy sexuality....but what an awkward conversation that is going to be......

The only thing is, I'm not even sure which kid was looking at the games. It could be either the 11 year old or the 9 year old. Well at least I know something for sure, as I told DH - at least one of our boys likes girls!

[Remustroy]

We've had this too and we didn't go mad we told all the children that we had installed a programme which emails us if anyone downloads or looks at anything they shouldn't and they believed us and we've had no more as far as we know it's harder with my 13 yr old as he has own phone but I regularly check and he has tiler me have all passwords to his social media

[LacePrincess]

Thanks Remustroy. We're not freaking out, curiosity is natural at their ages. I just don't want them to learn from the internet!! We are going to lock down their access even further, at the very least we'll set them up with their own logins and we will track it on our home server. So even if they figure out how to delete their browser history - we'll know....LOL. Benefits of having a hubby that is a techy!

We want to find a healthier outlet for their curiosity though. School isn't enough, the new sex ed is great but it's still really only maybe once a week......I wish there was some kind of online modded chat/discussion forum for kids for this stuff. Because it's just plain awkward and embarrassing to have them ask mom and dad sometimes! Even if we don't judge (and we don't) they probably won't feel safe asking us all the time. I really don't want them to ask Google!!

[SweetLily]

I've gone through this, I have an 18 year old boy as well as an almost 13. Sheesh, they keep you on your toes!

I have no advice, but feel for you. It is a bit much for 2 guys so young, but its one of those things you have to feel your way through, I am sorry to say. That said let me relate an experience:

When I was getting divorced my son was 12 and our former babysitter--my best friend's 19 year old daughter, where my ex took the kids all the time--started having SEX with my 12 year old son! It changed him mentally regarding sex for life, and I feel strongly that children so young should not be having sex and porn and sexual stuff leads to sex and them pushing for sex, and it can really effect them.

I know thats a rare extreme situation, but tread carefully and do what you feel is right. follow your instincts mama, and things will be ok. If I had't been so sleep exhausted with a newborn at the time, I woulod have heard him sneaking out at night and been more aware of waht was going on--and in your case, you are on your toes so you are in a good place to handle anything that comes.

Hugs mama, and good luck!

[LacePrincess]

Omg Sweetlily - that's HORRIBLE what happened with your son! Yikes!!!

We keep very tight watch on our kids so for sure he's never had that opportunity. But we need to get the conversation going so we never have any secrets and they feel safe talking to us about this stuff. Especially when they get older and more influenced by older teens and stuff too.

I happen to feel that porn, when used properly, has its place in a healthy relationship between loving adults. But if used poorly can lead to horrible consequences. Kind of like booze I guess! It's all about judgement, and obviously at 11-12 boys don't exactly have good judgement. So that will be our justification for why they shouldn't be looking up this stuff, at least not now. Not NEVER, but not at their ages.

They haven't seen porn to my knowledge, but I could be wrong. It's awfully hard to avoid these days. It's difficult at this age too, we were just letting our eldest have more freedom (like walking himself to his YMCA swim lessons) so it's kind of freaky to find this stuff today and resist the urge to clamp down his freedoms!! But that would be the wrong reaction since we truly don't want him to feel like he has to hide his natural curiosity about sex at this age.

Hahahah no way can he sneak off at night.....we have an alarm system and cameras, we'd know!!

[SweetLily]

It sounds like you have it under control and are a great mom. Keep up the good work!

[TaytumJ]

I would talk to each of your sons the exact same way you've laid it out to us here. I would start with you and DH saying you're not mad or upset and that it's natural for them to be curious and want to know more, but if they have questions to hopefully come to you guys. Have an open discussion and answer any questions they may have. I am a strong proponent of open dialogue with children, especially in this day and age. Or, you may have them just talk to DH about any questions. They may be more comfortable talking to dad about it at this age, but the fact that they know they have an understanding individual that's there to help and support them is what's most important.

It sounds like you both have done a great job with your boys; they are lucky to have some great parents! I work with kids every day who aren't as lucky...you guys are awesome!


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[LacePrincess]

I would talk to each of your sons the exact same way you've laid it out to us here. I would start with you and DH saying you're not mad or upset and that it's natural for them to be curious and want to know more, but if they have questions to hopefully come to you guys. Have an open discussion and answer any questions they may have. I am a strong proponent of open dialogue with children, especially in this day and age. Or, you may have them just talk to DH about any questions. They may be more comfortable talking to dad about it at this age, but the fact that they know they have an understanding individual that's there to help and support them is what's most important.

It sounds like you both have done a great job with your boys; they are lucky to have some great parents! I work with kids every day who aren't as lucky...you guys are awesome!


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Thanks so much!! I feel more confident about our approach now. I will let their dad talk to them first, I tend to be the 'enforcer' and usually they're more intimidated by me, lol. Plus same-gender is easier to start sharing with, I think.

It's so important to me not to shame them about sex stuff, ever. My parents pretty much screwed the pooch - HARD - on sex ed in a healthy way. So I'm darned determined not to mess them up! (Just sayin', letting your 10 yo watch Basic Instinct is a REALLY BAD WAY to introduce them to sex. That and, well, all their religious based teaching that sex and sexual feelings = sin.)

So tonight I'm hoping to find out who was the one looking. And explain why videogame apps and random google searches are likely to bring up misinformation, inappropriate materials, and even illegal stuff. And then I'm hoping to find out if they've tried anything (I sure hope not!!!) and what they were curious about. Then we can talk about what they prefer - books, youtube vids, movies, tv shows, internet forums as a medium, and what information they were hoping to find. Then I'll find out some safe, vetted sources for them to explore.

Well that's the plan anyways, LOL. This was a great article I came across today:

I Didn't Expect to Find Pornography in My 9-Year-Old's Web History - The Atlantic

I wonder if the kids realize that, as parents, we are likely even MORE terrified about talking to them about this stuff then they will ever be.....! LOL!

[XXforhubby]

That sounds like a great plan! I agree wholeheartedly with TaytumJ! Another thing to bring up is some of the sites are not reputable and come along with virses any spyware/malware that can cause computer issues. That would be my main concern, followed by if they have tried anything on their own. I agree that most of the stuff out there is so misogynistic and fantasy/role play. I would explain that too so they get it that is not how it is in the real world. I would also let them know how you lamented over talking to them about it. As a teacher to middle/high schoolers, they will appreciate that and take to heart what you have said more. It gives you much more credibility and will help them too if they are slightly uncomfortable about the conversation. Plus, they will most likely talk to you more about stuff. With boys, hang out with them doing something they enjoy. They will open up to you more. I can't tell you how many times my male cousins confided in me when we went to shoot pool together without even trying! I am like their mother, since my Aunt is a dead beat mom .

[LacePrincess]

Thanks, XX! One step at a time. As I was saying to DH, I'm actually kind of relieved I found this....because if I went on finding NOTHING I'd be kinda worried that they were simply too clever at hiding stuff from us.

As far as we can tell they've only tried to play a few risque games from the Google Play app store. Can't find anything in the browser histories, but then they have very limited access to the laptop they're allowed to use. It's pw protected and I have to unlock it for them, and they have to use it in the dining room so no hiding! I only let them use it for language studies (they're studying french and mandarin using Duolingo and Pimsleur and a few online programs). I actually don't think they've tried to look for porn online yet, because well they know daddy is a computer programmer and they'd be caught, LOL. But we all know that's the next step.

I'm just glad I found this out before DH vanished to another city on his posting. Much less awkward for dad to talk to the boys first!! Fx tonight goes well!